firespliffy

I really need advice

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So I am 21, and my cousin is 19 going on 20 here really soon. About 9-10 years ago, when we both were innocent to things like sex and "taboo", her and I were at my uncles (Her dad's). Quick side note is my uncle, aunt and grandma live on the same large property my grandma owns in separate houses spread across it respectively. Her and I were talking about kissing, and then all of a sudden we just leaned in and kissed each other. We then kissed and made out for about 30-40 minutes. We were each other's first kiss. It felt so magical, and so perfect. I developed a bit of a crush for her after that moment and from then on it just got more intense and developed from just a crush into full out love. About 3 years after that she moved away to her mom's across the state, so my feelings just faded away into the back of my head and I forgot about them. She moved back and in with my grandma's about 2 years ago, and I was instantly stricken with those feelings again. Lately they have been so much more intense and passionate. I have never felt these emotions towards anyone in the past. My first kiss with past girlfriends were never as intense as the one with her. I have been holding in my feelings for so long that I want to finally tell her, but there's one issue. She has a boyfriend. It couldn't be at a worse time for my feelings. Don't get me wrong, I like the guy and he treats her really well. Although he is a lot like me with several differences, and I've heard that people can sometimes gravitate and date people similar to a close relative of theirs. I have reason to think she has feelings for me though, I'll elaborate. When it's just her and I hanging out at my grandma's or me going on a quick shopping trip and picking her up, she just has this certain look in her eyes. The tone in her voice when she talks to me as compared to someone else in the same room is different, in a good way. When we are alone, nothing feels awkward. She lingers with her hugs like she doesn't want to back away even if it's just a short goodbye hug. There are times that I swear we could kiss each other, but we don't act on it. I know I need to wait to tell her. It's just painstaking having to. Hell, I came back from visiting my grandma earlier today and when my grandma went to bed we both just talked about life in general. We can confide in each other. I know though if the right moment comes around, we are probably going to end up kissing. I do NOT want to give into it currently due to her relationship, but at the same time who knows where it would lead us to be in the future if it does happen? God it feels so good to finally get this off my chest to someone after 10 years. Thank you everyone in advance. I'm so glad I randomly found this forum today haha.

-Edit- I also wanted to quick say that I have a private journal app on my Macbook that I find myself often writing about her, at least 2-3 times a month. It's the only way I can have some kind of release.

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move mountains

You know, that simple reply helped me make up my mind, so thank you for that. This upcoming Friday night, I'm going to tell her before we go to bed in a manner of just getting it off my chest to her, and not wanting to interfere in anything. Wish me luck everyone.

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Just took the step and told her I need to talk to her alone this Friday, no backing out for me now.

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