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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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GloomyAngel17

Teenage cousin love

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Me and my cousin are both young, I will be 18 next year and he is 19,our family is completely against cousins being together and shove it off as nasty so how can we be together when they are against us so heavily and they don't even know we're together yet?

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GloomyAngel17,

I'll reply here to this and your other thread.

Before we would be comfortable giving detailed suggestion, we would need a little more background information, such as any religious and/or cultural issues which can complicate the issue. But, for the time being, those are minor issues, even if they are indeed major issues in the long run. For now, you are going to be graced with what we all around here call "Uncle Hawk's Borken Record Speech to Young Members." Ready? Ok, Here goes.....

FIRST. I will assume you are still in school. If so, focus on that. If not, I suggest you get in school, or get into a vo-tech/certificate program of some sort of at the very least. The same for him. If he isn't either in college or getting some sort of training, and doesn't have some sort of a decent job, then he needs to be getting some training to get some sort of a decent job. As you have noticed, until you two are able to sufficiently be independent, your family is NOT going to find anywhere near the joy in this that you two do. Which goes to the next point....

Second. Put all of this on the back burner. You don't mention where you are, and my look-up shows you as being somewhere I know you are not. Where you actually are, I have no clue. However, it could have a MAJOR impact on your relationship, AND my advice. So, while you do not need to be overly specific, (and I would really rather you wouldn't be) it would be rather helpful to know which State you are in. We don't need a city or street address. I'll not be sending you a Christmas card. The legalities are State specific, and vary greatly. Since you mentioned Canada in the other thread, I will tell you that it IS still legal for cousins to marry in Canada. BUT, this is WAY out in front of where you two are at this point. The legalities of whether or not it is legal in whichever State you are in, (roughly 50/50 chance whether it is or not) is minor at this point. Your more immediate legal issue is that YOU are underage, and HE is not. You are looking at causing him a considerable "poostorm" if you two perchance get discovered in any sort of uncompromising position involving neeked shenanigans. So, put this on the back burner, and on the WAY down low until at the very least you are 18. In the meanwhile, stay close, and build the friendship, and relationship, to the point it is unshakable, and you are both fully "all in" for the long haul.

Third. Along with these other things, and accordingly, in following them, keep the physical from getting over the top. I don't know how physical you two may have been to this point, but, I can assure you, you do NOT want to find yourself in a "motherly way" before you are fully prepared to do so. It doesn't matter how careful you are, you can still wind up pregnant. Depending on where you are, THAT IS empirical evidence of at least statutory rape laws being broken, as well as possible felony incest charges to go with it. You do NOT want to be labeled a sex offender, and neither does he. And it WILL be worse for him. It behooves you two to cool the jets, (and the hormones) and set down and start laying the ground rules and game plans for the future.

Now, I'll go into other things you really should consider. It is rare for typical young romances to have the staying power they had even 50 years ago. That said, provided they are close, have a history, and so very much in common (as is frequently noted), I personally think that it is easier for a young cousin couple to do so, if they are willing to take the steps necessary to have themselves in a position to go for it once they are ready and able. By the time you are 20, and he is 22, (the age range we generally are comfortable with) if you have thought your future out well, planned well, have the means to provide for yourselves independently, and have a place where it is legal to do so, THEN I say go for it, and don't let anybody talk you out of it. If you get to that point, and, if it's legal where you are, why move to Canada? Not that I have anything against Canada, I think it's beautiful, and would love to visit there. But, it is different enough from the US that I'm not so sure I would actually want to pack up and move there. However, if it's NOT legal where you are, and you discover there is going to be a need to move anyway, it could be a consideration I would ponder. More so, if you have any sort of "support system", such as approving family or friends, there.

If it is legal where you are, and you decide to stay put, allow me to give you further food for thought. In a situation like that, if you two decide to get a place together, the official line is usually out there as being economically more practical to share a place as opposed to both having separate places. I always recommend a two bedroom place, for a couple reasons. It "keeps up appearances" for nosy family and "friends", and, it also gives both parties their own space. The actual sleeping arrangements are NOT for public consumption. That allows folks to slowly see the two of you domiciled together, and, should wedding bells be in your future, it at least slightly lessens the shock factor. Will it eliminate all the drama? Probably not. But, I'll assure you that in 3 years or so, by the time you're 20, and he's 22/23, the family, while they may not like it, are going to find themselves in a position to actually do considerably little other than gripe about it, than they are now, where actually physically keeping you two apart is most likely in their power to do. 

All that said, do give us a little more information, and I will try to tailor my advice to fit you situation better, and would anticipate others here to pipe in as well.   

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Hawk,

Well me and him are an African Amercican couple so he feels it would be more difficult for our family to accept for some reason. We are both currently in Alabama where it is legal but i live in California where it is also legal. We considered moving to Canada when I turn 18 and graduate because we want to start a new and improved life in another country and we honestly have family almost everywhere in the US. I am very well aware though that we need to keep it in private until I am 18 and I'm willing to do so, I just want things to go right with us because I really want to be with him. I really appreciate your input to.

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GloomyAngel

At least as a person of color you don't get the Hillbilly, Backwoods, Cousin Marrying 'Cause Y'all Are So Ignorant baggage.  So that's one thing to not be gloomy about.  :cheesy:

If your family's only objection is non-specific (i.e. "it's nasty"), then while you are waiting to out yourselves, get busy arming yourself with some facts.  There is lots of info here about scientific, cultural and religious rebuttals to the ick factor.  If he is willing, bring him here to this site so that he can see that there are lots of cousin relationships in the world and to get informed himself.

Hawk has given you some good advice.  Cool your jets until you are able to financially support yourself.

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