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Guest TMI2028

Never Have Sex w/ Your Cousin, or you could end up like me...

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Warning: Long Post w/ VERY Graphic Nature

     I need lots of advice. I lost my virginity to my first cousin, once removed / "second cousin" when I was 13 years old & he was 12. I am a Virgo female and he is a Scorpio male, so we are highly compatible, highly attracted to each other, & intriguingly opposite - so as soon as our families started bringing us together more often (every summer from 2007 to 2010), things got out of hand with us quickly.
     It was like meeting a whole new boy because 1) we were freshly coming into puberty & going through a lot of hormonal changes, & 2) we saw each other very little as children (3x max). Suddenly I thought he was the most interesting & attractive person in the world!
     I was born & raised Southern Baptist, an honor student struggling to be "normal" , & he was a Chicago inner city kid with awful habits, honestly I think struggling to keep up his tough guy act though. Within an hour of being alone as teenagers, we were already kissing. Within 3 hours, we were all over each other. & it was satisfying yet shameful. I didn't want to make that mistake/move again.
     I told a couple of friends about us and they instantly put thoughts in my head of rape & incest, but despite their "concern" , we quickly formed a strong bond with frequent talks of love & marriage. 
     He was not the perfect guy (there was substance abuse & other troubles I'd always try to keep him out of) but he was the love of my life until the bliss quickly ended at our big 2009 family get together. We spent 3 days wrapped up in love & promise rings, & after all his pleas for sex, I gave in to him on the final night... only this time - WARNING GRAPHIC LANGUAGE - my hymen burst when he went inside & I started hemorrhaging a steady stream of blood from about 6 o clock in the evening til 3 am the next morning. I almost died; he & his sister helped me hide everything & finally stopped the bleeding after many frantic emergency calls... I was forever traumatized & haunted & from this point on, I faded as a human being. I was angry. I felt ignored by my family. I had no friends that understood. I felt abused & ashamed & frankly confused so I gave my body away 2 times more to him but my soul wasn't there. I finally told him I couldn't anymore & pushed him away. 
     By 2010, I feared him & could barely stand being in the same room, & by the next & last time we saw each other (2012), I would already be dating my husband-to-be. My loving husband helped me heal & kept me firmly occupied, BUT encouraged my misdirected anger at my cousin for the next 2 years. 
     My husband & I were about to be married in the summer of 2014, & out of fear of seeing my cousin there for my big day, I specifically requested that he NOT attend, & he didn't. In the midst of our wedding though, my aunt (his grandmother) only briefly mentioned that my cousin had written a letter to me. I NEVER SAW IT, supposedly because "it was left with her things back home". And whether she intentionally kept it from me or not (because she secretly knew of me & my cousin's love for one another), this letter would occasionally cross my mind for the next 2 years. 
     Present day 2016, things were going well & then suddenly I had increasing thoughts of my cousin & this letter & his whereabouts. One quick inquiry led me to awful news: JUST BEFORE MY WEDDING, HE WAS SENTENCED TO 11 YEARS IN PRISON and of course no one had informed me. I told my husband immediately that it was bothering me, but I didn't fully express how heartbroken & curious it really made me feel. Within days, I realized I was wrong for turning my cousin away. I had convinced myself that he had raped me, when truly my near death experience was an uncommon mishap that neither one of us could've expected or imagined. It was traumatic but it wasn't his fault. 
    I then found old posts on my cousin's Facebook about lost love & loneliness & depression; dated just before he committed the crime that would put him away. I became PISSED that no one took notice of his cries for help, & saddened that I wasn't there to help either. ALL the love & happiness & joy I received from my first love came flooding back to me in an instant, & actually felt STRONGER THAN EVER as I obsessed over the possible contents of the lost letter & all the crazy misunderstandings.
     I couldn't sleep at night so I spend nights writing this 8 page letter filled with apologies, memories, & updates on my life & I mailed it. Did not tell my husband, my mom, my best friend, my pastor, or anyone other than his sister whom helped me find his address.

     I feel awful. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't think, I can't function! It's like the craziest feelings I've ever felt in my life & this snail mail process feels like the longest wait in eternity.

     I'm sneaky, reckless, & dumb right now. my husband is amazing & I'm afraid to tell him the truth. My cousin is locked away until at least 2019, but I'm afraid it will only hurt me more NOT to contact him. At first I thought I was doing this to heal & close this chapter, now I think I'm doing this out of pure love or infatuation??? & to start a new love affair??? I don't know what I think I'm doing. I am suddenly a mad woman & don't know how to control my emotions. I'm even afraid that I'll find out after all these years he won't even love me the same & I'll be devastated & regret reaching out. I'm a mess, with no one to vent to. And I'm running low on sanity. I spent so many years thinking of pretending it was okay, now everything is blowing up in my face.....

Moral of my story: Never have sex with your cousin, I just feel like I wouldn't be in this MESS if THAT never happened.

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when you said graphic content, i thought you were going to be giving way too many details of your sexual encounter or some really horrible profanity. i read it in edit mode, prepared to do a hatchet job on your post. but i didn't find anything of that nature, so i left it intact. the reason i'm telling you this is some here may read the title and make the same assumption, and not take the time to read it. i want to let them know it was cleared.

now, let's get to my own personal commentary. you're right, you should never have had sex with your cousin. you were children! 12 and 13 years old is not old enough to make decisions that could have devastating consequences. i think you realize that now.

secondly, YOU are not to blame for the poor choices he has made. you cutting him out of your life and requesting he not attend your wedding are not the reasons he committed a crime that landed him in jail with an 11 year sentence. in fact, you breaking things off with him at the age of 12 years old is not even the reason that he was so lonely and depressed. NOT YOUR FAULT. doesn't it seem unlikely to you that ten years later he would be mourning over a breakup that happened when he was barely entering his teen years? isn't it far more likely that the lost love he was talking about was one that he lost as an adult? i'm not trying to be harsh, but you're presuming way too much. his world has not revolved around you since childhood.

thirdly, you're also right that you're acting sneaky, reckless and dumb. you're a grown woman now with a responsibility to uphold the vows you made to your husband. they weren't just mushy sentiments, they were also a legally binding contract. you need to get over your obsession, because that's what you're experiencing right now, and the quickest way to do that is to expose the secret... you need to tell your husband that you've become obsessed with this notion that you are the cause of your cousin's loneliness, depression, and ultimately his criminal activity, and have this romanticized notion that only your love can be his salvation.

don't allow this fantasy to ruin a good marriage. after you tell your husband, you might consider getting some counseling. seriously, to destroy a marriage to an amazing man for someone who clearly is NOT amazing would ruin your life as well as your husband's. and it wouldn't fix your cousin. that's a delusion.

 

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Posted (edited)

oh, and let me make this clear, from someone who once pined away over a boyfriend who went to prison for a while (while i was still married to someone else). don't believe much of what he writes back. prison just amplifies feelings of loneliness and depression in the people who are stuck there, and they will write whatever it takes to keep a connection going with someone on the outside. that means that he's going to read all your apologies, your confusion, your compassion, and he's going to exploit that. even if he doesn't mean to do it, he will, because it's a lifeline to the outside. it's something to live for. something to get his mind off the things he does while he's in prison. but it won't be real. it will be a facade. an illusion. and eventually, when he gets released, a heartache.

don't give in to this. it will destroy you. it will destroy your marriage. when his return letter comes, don't open it without your husband by your side. read it together, and let him help you deal with the mixed up, crazy emotions that are going to overwhelm you. because if you open this in private and don't share it with him, you're going to drown in it.

and when you first tell your husband about the letter you wrote, you really should share this entire thread with him. in fact, that could be the best way to bring the subject up. just open this thread and ask him to read it, and ask him to take five minutes to process it all before he responds to you. if he's half as amazing as you say he is, he's going to help you get through this and your marriage will be stronger because of it.

Edited by LadyC
i wanted to add a paragraph.
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