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love Lonely

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I consider myself to be a philosopher. I have identified three pillars of human socialization that must all be satisfied to keep oneself from being lonely. These are:




I have a great family. Everyone loves me (however that might change if they discover that I'm an atheist, but my parents don't care). I don't need much friendship, in fact I had no friends for at least two years (unless you count cousins!). I did desire some friendship but it was not much of a concern.

Companionship is what I'm missing. I know that pets is a form of companionship. I had a failed attempt with pet rats. I can't have a cat, my favorite animal, because my dad is allergic to them. I can't have a dog because I don't want to deal with the maintenance and my apartment is too small for one. I suppose I could look into ferrets. Having a pet will help but what I really want is a girlfriend. Unfortunately, this is idealistic but not realistic. I will talk about my cousin later, but here is a list of reasons why it is unrealistic:

1-Typically one of the best places to find a girlfriend is school. I'm home schooling, and I don't like public schools.

2-It seems that almost all teenage girls are not interested in academic subjects and don't really have an involved interest with a hobby, rather they only seem to care about friends, fashion, and the status-quo.

3-The biggest reason is because I have Asperger Syndrome. Lots of people think it is an excuse but it is actually an explanation.  Aspergers, or sometimes called high-functioning autism, is a condition where one socializes in a different way, that is often considered to be antisocial or weird to others who don't have the condition or don't understand, and can give an impression of being mentally retarded or outright weird. Because I have Aspergers, it makes it a lot more difficult for me to find a girlfriend. I would rather avoid neurotypicals anyway because they are annoying.

I'm 15 years old. I don't sound like a 15 year old because I have Aspergers. I socialize differently, in a way that is formal and mature. I seem to behave and look older than I am, and people do mistake me to be over 18. The reason why I'm telling you this is because I don't want to be told to forget about getting a girlfriend and enjoy my studies, as some people do on this forum. (I do enjoy my studies. Physics is my favorite subject and algebra is awesome.) Since I behave more mature than my age, I do have a genuine desire for companionship. This is not a situation where I have a crush on a girl who is not really necessary in my life or because I just want sex. My heart is incomplete and I want love. For the past couple months I have been having a hard time with my loneliness. Now I have been wanting a girlfriend for a few years, but these times have been the hardest.  Last night I had a fit and I felt like destroying everything. I also cried and wanted to yell really loud. Yet I restrained myself because I knew it would do no good and make things worse. The most I did was some kicking at softer objects that would not be damaged from kicking. The solution is to get a girlfriend, but again, it is idealistic but unrealistic.

However, I found a possible realistic solution who is my first cousin. She is around 12 or 13 years old. Yes, a bit young for the type of relationship I'm after, but I willing to wait if I have electronic communication with her. I had a small family reunion in the middle of August and I saw her. I never felt attracted to her before. I feel that she was also attracted to me because she was performing several behaviors that would possibly indicate a woman's attraction to a man. I find her very attractive because she is a redhead. I already established beforehand that redheads are a major turn on for me. Redheads are rare so I really want to pursue a relationship with her because there is a high chance that I can't find a suitable one elsewhere.

But this solution is risky. In fact it is so risky that I'm going to attempt to restrain myself from a romantic relationship until she is 18. I'll have to tell her that there is a boundary that she must follow if she does have a crush on me in order to avoid these risks. Again, at the very least I do want electronic communication. These are the risks:

1-Obviously the parents and the rest of the family. I have told my parents. While they don't believe that first cousin intimacy is right, even after I told them facts, they are not being intimidating and/or trying to change me. Only that my mom says to restrain myself from her, at least at this time, because of the risks. I do imagine that getting together with my cousin would be controversial throughout the family.

2-Since I'm not Christian, it would increase the controversy even more if they ever found out about my beliefs. The Christians in my family (most of my family are Christians) generally have low tolerance to other beliefs. I do hope that my cousin will have high enough tolerance. I think my cousin's parents will get mad at my cousin if she has a boyfriend who does not go to ?meetings.?

3-There is always the risk of having a baby in teenage relationships. I did say that it is not my intention to have sex, but that does not mean that I won't be sexually attracted to her and I would not be surprised if she would be sexually attracted because redheads have the most sex drive (and the best sex lives) of all hair types. But since she is Christian, she might fallow the rule of no sex before marriage (I don't believe in it). But that would mean we will have to move to a different state to get married so we can have sex.

To restrain myself from having a relationship means that I'll have to wait 5-6 years. While I want to have an involved romantic relationship, I think I can do with electronic communication because if I know that she wants to be with me, that means in the future we can fall in love.

The next time I see her I'm going to give her a note (can't really tell her directly because we're in front of family nearly all the time) that communicates the following:

1-I have noticed that you are very shy around me.

2-Don't be afraid to talk to me in front of family because they will think that it is regular cousin interaction.

3-I assume that you have a crush on me because you have been showing signs.

4-Don't be shy or afraid to talk to me because I won't reject.

5-A lot of Americans think that cousin love is crazy bad and gross but it is actually normal. People get married to their cousins all the time and the bible does not say wrong about it.

6-You can prove to me that you are not as shy to me as I think you are by asking me for my email. If you don't ask me then I will assume that you don't have a crush on me.

If she actually has a crush on me, which I highly suspect that she does due to her signs, I hope she will be brave enough to ask. The reason why I'm telling her to ask me for my email instead of simply giving my email is because I wouldn't know how brave she would be to send an email. If she asks for my email, then I know that she is brave enough to send one.

The next time I will meet her will probably be in a few months. We don't see each other much, that is 3 to 5 times a year, 2 to 3 days at a time. She is also very shy so I don't get much interaction. We live 7 hours from each other. I wish I could see her more but I don't want to push it as it could become suspicious because I never ask to see her or her immediate family. I hope she will interact with me more once I give her the note. The problem is that I'm not sure that her parents will allow her to use email. Her parents seem to be a little overprotective. For the next few months its going to be hard with my loneliness. If I can't use email with my cousin I think I'll have to try pet ferrets and attempt to bond with them (I still want to get a cat), or try to get a different girlfriend who won't suck.

You people can also share your loneliness stories if you want.

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