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Guest Hillary

Open relationship with my cousin

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I'm in an open relationshp with my older cousin.  I played his wing woman and hit the bar with him.  I clear his latest choice of a woman as hot or not, but he still goes home with me or me with him.  Last night he asked and I said go for it.  But I happened to hang out and got to see first hand the the make out session.  It killed me.  It was honestly my worst nightmare.  I got snarky and mean and demanded to go home.  The woman was so pissed off she got out of the car as they were taking me home.   He dropped me off but then came back and took me to his place for sex.  We have set new boundaries, and don't ask, don't tell is the biggest one.  I know fully this isn't going to be forever, but it's gotten to the point of me telling him I want to break up and then not break up.  That's how the boundaries got set.   I need to distance my self but I can't.  I apologized to him for my behavior, because this is my first open relationship.  My heart hurts because of the disrespect I showed him and my lack of self control on my jealousy.  I don't know what to do now.  Any input is greatly appreciated.

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this is why open relationships are a bad idea. (by the way, my keyboard gets psychotic at times and starts dropping w's and s's, so if that happens, my typing will get really weird.) open relationships are immensely DAMAGING. they destroy a woman's self esteem. you're being used, and you're allowing it. you need to draw new lines... you need to tell him you want an exclusive relationship or you're out. at this point, i'd say he's probably not going to agree, though i hope i'm wrong. but the fact that he's willing to screw around with other women AND you tells me that he has no respect for you... or any other woman. and as bad as that is, what is even worse is that by you allowing him to sleep with other women (and even checking them out for him) you're telling the world that you don't have any respect or love for yourself. and being able to love and respect yourself is far more important than whatever his opinion is.

but drop the whole notion of a 'don't ask don't tell' policy. that's just giving him permission to treat you as irrelevant. and hillary, you aren't irrelevant.

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I need to distance my self but I can't.

You can.  It will be hard as hell.  For a while.  But then the pain will ease and eventually disappear.  You are not meant to be in an open relationship.  You deserve to be treated with dignity, respect and as if you hung the moon and stars.  

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So, it's been a little over a month.  I have made it a point not to message him, but due to family obligations, we are under the same roof for days.  I received a text from him telling me that he missed hanging out and making dinner with me.  This was before he knew we would all be together anyway.  When we showed up he was in a dither and checking with me to see if I was mad, or cared if he was going to our dive.  I let him know honestly that we don't have anything that requires asking permission from the other.  He asked me if there was some one else and I looked him dead pan and said it not any of his business.  I hurt his feelings.  I knew if he thought I was seeing someone he would go off and get what he needs from a bar fly.  Before he left he let me know that it was weird for him not to hear from me in such a long time.  

Fast forward to him coming home really late.

No one was awake, but I woke up when he came home.  I didn't greet him I tried to go back to sleep, but my body was on high alert.  He laid right down cuddled up and crashed.  I was freaking out because in his inebriated state he has no concerns.  I woke him up telling him to go to his bed and ended up being intimate.  The release was only on my end, like it was his plan to go out and get 'courageous' and pleasure me.   Like he is trying to out maneuver the man he thinks I'm seeing but doesn't exisit.  Just because I'm not texting him he thinks I'm with another man.  What the heck?  Did I just bait the lion and now that he thinks I'm involved he has to win me back?  Our family has no clue what's going on between us, but it's almost like he wants to get exposed and tie me down.   We're both divorced and I have let my entire family know quite vocally I will not be seriously involved with another man.  I think I have cornered my self.  Eh!  I'm exhausted and now going to bed.  

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I think you need to come clean with him. Tell him there is no one else! Tell him you have decided to respect and love yourself

and the idea of an open relationship is no longer a good one for you and you refuse to be part of it,

You don't necessarily need to give him the ultimatum of " me or them" if you don't want too. BUT I think

the message will be clear. Now either you want him exclusively or you don't for a long term relationship,

but that is something you have to work out for you.

 

As LadyC and Serendipity have said. RESPECT and LOVE you and do what is best for you.

He is old enough to take care of himself. Don't let him manipulate you or your emotions to get what HE wants.

 

Best wishes as you figure out your path.

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