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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest XRAYCousin

Reconnected with cousin over 2 decades later

20 posts in this topic

I've recently reconnected with a cousin I haven't seen in 2 decades and want to tell my story and seek some guidance. How she falls on kinship I'm not sure because she's actually the daughter of my father's cousin, but we were very close back when we were younger.

 

When we were growing up, we lived in cities a couple of hours apart, so we got to see each other somewhat regularly. In the summer, we'd take vacations together, and sometimes spend a few weeks at the others' home in the summer. She grew up to be very attractive, and as teens, we started noticing each other. One day while left alone at home, we made out with each other, and had no regrets. This became a regular thing and eventually, we started having sex. She was on the pill due to irregular periods, so pregnancy wasn't an issue.

 

When we were in the same town, we'd go out together right under our parent's noses, since we were cousins, they thought we were just going out to movies and such, not really dating, even though that's what we were really doing. Once the other went home, life was back to normal but when we got together, it was great. It ended when my family moved to another state, so we didn't get to see each other anymore.

 

When we were 25, we saw each other again when she got married. She married an Air Force Academy graduate who as now a commissioned officer, and it seemed they were happy and I was happy for her too. I didn't like him much because he was so arrogant and snobbish in fact, he didn't want anyone to know I'd served in the Air Force, but I was just an enlisted man, which he found embarrassing and I was asked not to mention it at the reception.

 

During this time, my cousin and I got to spend some time catching up on old times, then we talked about when we were sneaking around together as teens. She told me she had feelings for me but it hurt because she knew we could never be together and was kind of relieved when I moved and we weren't able to visit anymore, making it easier to move on. She told me this because she wanted closure for both of us, so we could both move forward, which I understood.

 

Since then, I have been married, but my wife was killed in an auto accident over 10 years ago and I never remarried. My cousin got divorced after 6 years of marriage and has 2 daughters, ages 16 and 14. We no longer live in our home state, but we are in the same state again, several hours drive or a short flight apart, but haven't visited or spoke until recently.

 

I attended a week long conference for my work in her city and contacted her before my visit because I wanted to see her again. I wasn't trying to get things started, just wanted to see her and meet her kids, whom I'd never met. I flew in in the morning and she met me at the airport, and I went to her house and spent some time with her and the kids, and they're great kids. They thought it was cool meeting a relative they'd never met before. The kids had plans to go out with friends, so that left my cousin and I spend time together.

 

She showed me around town, we had lunch, and had a great time together. She took me to my hotel, which she heard was pretty nice and wanted to see what the rooms were like, so I checked in and we went to my room. We started talking and she told me about how controlling her husband was, which is what caused the divorce and how she thought I was a kind person and wished we could have been together. I comforted her and she felt better and we ended up having sex on the bed again like old times. She'd had her tubes tied after her second child so pregnancy wasn't a worry. After, we just talked for a while, then her phone rang and it was the kids needing a ride home since someone's car broke down.

During the rest of the week, she managed to get over to my hotel a couple of more times and we got to spend more time together talking, and agreed to spend 2 weeks together in my city when her kids go to see their dad. We've talked about the possibility of having a relationship, but right now, she's worried about her ex-husband seeking full custody of the kids since he's threatened to do that before when she's had boyfriends. He even once had a private investigator check out a guy she was dating.

 

Reconnecting with her has been great, but I don't want to cause any problems with the family or her ex-husband. My parents are both gone, her father is gone and her mother is in an assisted living facility. Whether other family members would say something, I don't know. I haven't checked the laws on cousin marriages in my state yet, so I don't know what the legalities are.

 

I just wanted to tell my story to someone and am glad I found this place, and possibly get some opinions and advice.

 

Thank you.

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Your father's cousin's daughter.  That makes you practically strangers.  I've never been any good at figuring out relations (2nd cousins twice removed?).  If I am correct about the lineage, then I am sure that there are no laws on the books anywhere that would prevent you and her from pursuing a relationship.  So her ex can investigate and make life difficult all he wants, but there is nothing legally he can do about the two of you pursuing a relationship.

The two of you are definitely old enough to decide for yourself what you want to do. So, enjoy each other's company and see what develops.

Just for the record - there is NO SHAME in being an enlisted man in the USAF.  You served our country and we are grateful.

 

 

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Welcome! Serendipity is correct in that makes you practically strangers. But you are second cousins, no "removeds"  here.

This is the same relationship my hubby and I are, his dad and my mom are first cousins.

I totally agree with her, you are old enough to make your own decisions. Ex-hubby probably doesn't stand

a chance of anything legal and other than making a lot of noise he can't do anything about it.

 

Thank you for your service! Enlisted or officer doesn't make any difference. And there is no shame.

 

Best wishes and keep us posted!

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i have to agree with the others. there are no laws ANYWHERE in the US or Canada (in fact, i'm nearly positive there are no laws in any country) prohibiting marriage between second cousins. he could not even bring that up in a custody battle. 

i also echo the sentiments about no shame! now if i'm not mistaken, commissioned officers went straight from some fancy military school to being high up on the food chain without ever serving a day of doing the real work, am i right? sometimes officers need a reality check. 

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24 minutes ago, LadyC said:

i have to agree with the others. there are no laws ANYWHERE in the US or Canada (in fact, i'm nearly positive there are no laws in any country) prohibiting marriage between second cousins. he could not even bring that up in a custody battle. 

i also echo the sentiments about no shame! now if i'm not mistaken, commissioned officers went straight from some fancy military school to being high up on the food chain without ever serving a day of doing the real work, am i right? sometimes officers need a reality check

I'll ALSO agree with the others. I'm probably a little more devious though. Let this asshat hire a PI, "THE BEST" lawyer, and let him pee away his not so hard earned $$$. It would make for a large dose of reality check. ;):P I personally love to see an arrogant arse get a good smack-down. Judges have a tendency to enjoy giving them out too, in my experience.

 Second cousins you are indeed, and second cousins are perfectly legal in ALL 50 States, as noted. As far as the rest of the family is concerned, who cares? I'd be willing to bet that if her mother is still in a good enough mental state, she would not be surprised, and would probably tell you she always knew there was just a little more going on than met the eye, back in the day. Mom's can sense these things, not just from their daughters, but usually, even more so, from their sons. It wouldn't surprise me if your and her mother didn't discretely speak of just how "close" the two of you were. Don't look for drama out of her, and don't pay any attention to any of it out of anyone else. Not their circus, not their monkies.... You two get on about the business of building on the foundation that was laid all those years ago, and unearthed and dusted off of late. If you have the chance to be together and make each other happy, and truly commit to making that happen, you shall surely be blessed.

 If you are still somewhat nervous, take things slowly, as you would any other relationship. We always say the sneaking around can be exhilarating initially, but, eventually, it WILL become drudgery. However, it would seem you only have to do it for 4 years at the most, if you don't quite have the stomach for stupidity out of her ex. I would also strongly encourage you to get her here, show her the facts on the main page, and then show her this thread, and our advice. Join up as members, or even joint members, as we have a few instances of couples having an account. Just, when posting, post as X-ray him or X-ray her, so as we know to which of you we are speaking. Other than that, I'm going to reiterate again, GO FOR IT, AND DON'T LET ANYBODY STOP YOU.  

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Actually LadyC, not all officers went from military school to "being high up on the food chain without ever serving a day of doing the real work".  My

ex went to OCS ( officer candidate school in the Navy after having served 4 years in the Air Force and over 18 months in the Navy as enlisted.

And he became a commissioned officer.  I will tell you that the best officers I ever ran into were ones that went up that way, first enlisted and then

to OCS or officer training  in another branch.   Hopefully I haven't stepped on any toes as that is not my intention. I support all our troops.

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well yeah, i kinda must have known that somewhere in my heart of hearts. my daughter served 5 years in the marine corp and then has given thought from time to time about going to OCS to become an officer. she never has actually decided to do it though. but i agree, i think it takes being enlisted first to become the best officer. kinda like management in a retail business. if you haven't worked the floor, you don't know what you're talking about.

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Thanks for the kind words.

I talked to my sister, who's been researching the family tree, and asked her how our cousin is related and she told me she's a second cousin, which I guess puts us in the clear legal wise. Sis also told me she's found some cousin marriages in our family. I wonder if she told me this just for information or because she suspects something.

As for my cousin, we talk pretty regularly now, text, email, etc. It's pretty nice to have someone you can talk over things with, even if they are far away. Right now we're trying to arrange a vacation together, we talked about 2 weeks but because of work, kids, etc., we may only be able to manage a week, but that's OK, as long as we get some time together.

We both realize her ex could be trouble if he finds out. He doesn't live nearby, but he's in regular contact with the kids and they do tell him things from time to time. She's told me some stories about her custody battle how bad family court is. They will award or deny custody/visitation/etc. for the craziest of reasons, so we may have to lay low for a little while.

Her youngest daughter will turn 18 in around 3 1/2 years and once that happens, the custody issue will be gone but there's another problem, her children. They know me as their mom's cousin and we don't know how they'll react if we become a couple or get married. I spent time with the kids and we got along and they're great kids, but not sure if they'll be accepting of our relationship.

We enjoyed talking and having some time together, but being cousins complicates things.

 

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She needs a better lawyer if she finds that custody is altered for crazy reasons.  He doesn't even live near the kids?  Trust me, that will speak volumes in a custody battle.

I am not necessarily advocating this, but I did ask my kids not to tell their dad about the cousin factor.  The laws in our current state are less than favorable to our relationship and I just did not want to take any chances.  That being said, if we were in cousin-friendly state, I wouldn't have given a hoot.  There would be nothing legal to be done.  And as second cousins your cuz's ex has no legal ground to stand on.  So he can go blow up his own..... 

Don't worry about the kids too much.  They are teenagers are prone to being, how shall we say, little tarts?  Mine were a little older than her kids are now when cuz and I started dating (16 and 18).  One accepted the relationship with no problems, the other took a little while to come around.   But she did come around, and 3 years later was a bridesmaid in our wedding.  The thing is, in the long run, your cuz will be left alone when the kids go off to college or start their own careers.  They really won't want her to be alone for ever.  Their love for her will eventually soften the edges of their hearts,  It may not be immediate, but most likely it will happen.  Take things slowly, don't tell the kids about the two of you until you are sure that you want to be exclusive - that the relationship is going to be long term - and then give the kids time to adjust.  Even if the kids are hateful for the rest of their lives (which is quite unlikely), she cannot let other people dictate her road to happiness:  the kids just don't get that vote.

 

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The reason he lives far from his children is because of where the Air Force assigned him. He took the assignment because it's very prestigious. How that will be taken in a custody battle, who knows? One good thing I can say is her ex-husband does support his kids beyond just paying child support. He buys things for the kids, they visit him regularly, and he talks to them often.

I've talked about our relationship and at least for now, we plan to keep it quiet for now. We always had feelings for each other but we put them aside but since finding this site and she's been here too, she's more open to a relationship now. We will take it slow like any other relationship but for now I have hope for a future with her. We've both been alone a long time and have had relationships, but none went anywhere.

We're planning a week together in my city when her kids go to see their father. After that, I'll be able to gauge where things are going.

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I am the cousin Guest Xraycousin wrote about. I'm glad this place exists so we can talk about our relationship, but there are some things I wish he hadn't posted. What is done is done, so I won't go on about it.

Growing up, I did develop real feelings for him. He was someone I could talk to and trust, and still is.  I wished we weren't related so he could be my boyfriend and we could be open about it. I did have other boyfriends at the time, but when we visited and got together, it was just us. I was torn between what was "right" and what I wanted to do. Back then, I thought all cousin relationships were illegal, but I learned from my mother that we had some cousin marriages in our family tree, and didn't understand why it was OK so many years before but wrong now. Since XRay and I are second cousins, I've learned it was never the case. His family moving across country did make it easier for me to move on from him, but the feelings never went away. Now that we've seen each other again, the feelings are stronger than ever.

I sometimes wonder if my mother suspected something, even though she never said anything. Telling me about the cousin marriages in our family history was I thought a response to someone making a joke about marrying your cousin, but I wonder if it was more. She did often give us time to be alone together, but not sure if it was trusting us or something else. We always tried to keep a low profile, not even touching each other in our parents' presence. My father is gone and my mother is in assisted living now and does have some memory issues now, so I may never now.

My ex-husband never liked my cousin for reasons mentioned, and others. After I got married and we had kids, I discovered how authoritarian my Ex was. It wasn't bad at first but got worse over time and more so after the kids. It was his way was the only way, and that was it. He treated me like a child, ruling the family with an iron fist. I do believe parents should rule the house, but I also believe in giving kids some freedom to make their own choices, and even make some small mistakes along the way so they can learn to decide things when we're not around. At the base, when he gave an order, it was obeyed, he wanted home to be that way with me and the kids. I was having panic attacks, depression, and finally decided to leave and I wanted custody because I didn't want the kids raised like that.

He can see and talk to them anytime he wants to. Even though he's living a good distance away, they see each other often and talk, text, and email almost daily. We are civil to each other and don't fight, but he does worry if I have a boyfriend because of the kids. He background checked a previous boyfriend and found he had a drug conviction, which is a deal breaker for me. He also had P.I. follow another one around and didn't find anything, but the relationship didn't last anyway.

He and I are planning to spend some time together in his town when the kids take a vacation in the summer with their dad and I'm looking forward to it. It will be nice to spend time together again and be able to act more like a couple together. I'm not thinking of remarrying yet but if I do, I will probably wait until my youngest is 18 to do so, mainly because of custody.

Not sure what will happen with this, but after coming here, I'm open to letting it go wherever it goes.

 

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NurseCousin,

 Welcome. I'm glad he shared this site with you, and you decided to take the time to investigate the facts further. Don't worry if he was a little too forthcoming. You are anonymous here. We mods and admins have the ability to have a little peek at where you are, but, our look-up is nowhere near so accurate as to give your actual street address, and if it does, we consider it suspect. It shows me as being in the town 6 miles west of where I actually am. For our purposes, which particular State one is in will suffice. We'll not be sending out Christmas cards or anything such as that. do not worry about TMI here. I've stated before, (but since the upgrade, those posts may be lost) and I will state again: I personally will physically destroy my hard drive before I ever reveal ANY (however minuscule) information on ANY member here, unless there is evidence of something of the nature of child abuse or some such. There are plenty enough AF officers, yours won't be narrowed down from anything mentioned here, trust me. 

 It's also been a while since I've went into any detail about my specific situation. Like you and yours, me and mine are 2nd cousins. We were born a week to the day apart, me being a week older. As very young kids, we were not in contact, since they were all over the world for her Dad's work. At ~ 10 yrs old, they came back, her parents divorced, and through that, and her Grandfather's passing (my Grandfather's brother) her, her Mom and sister moved across the street from us. We all played and had a large time. As kids, there was really nothing between us, and I actually had the kid crush on her older sister. But, from the time we met, and our Mom's had us tell each other our birth dates, and it dawned on us we were a week to the day apart, we were always "best/favorite cousins" and still are.

 As we grew older, we moved several miles out in the country, to another school district, they moved to another place, and we lost the close contact we had. But, we both liked to party, our circles overlapped to some degree, so we still saw each other on occasion. Then, when we were 20, through a series of events, we were both unattached, she needed a favor, I obliged, and asked if she wanted to come hang out. She did, I went and got her, and, a little partying here and there, and one thing leading to another, in fairly short order, poo got real, as I can say and skirt the cuss filter. LOL So, for a couple weeks, we had quite the little fling. Our "moment" we call it. Like you, she wasn't sure of any aspect of us being able to be together, such as the legalities and genetics. She was also quite nervous as to what our friends would say, as they all knew we were cousins. Our Mom's wouldn't have cared, and her Mom was actually speechless (no mean feat) when she figured out we had just crawled out of the hay one morning. But, she never said a word, and actually got a huge grin, and went back to her conversation. My Mom wouldn't have cared either. But, she didn't know that. I wouldn't have cared what anybody thought, but, she got nervous, I didn't want to push her, so, we walked away, and let the whole affair be quite awkward for about 3 decades. In the last 5 years or so, we've been back in contact, aired it all out, and it's all good. The timing has never been, and I don't see any way it ever would be, right, to where we could pick back up. She has a long term BF, and, even though I'm not in a relationship at the moment, I'll NOT be getting in the way of hers. We have no stomach for cheating with each other, so, there'll be no shenanigans. Way too much water has passed beneath the bridge.

 That's why I will tell you two to do what it takes to be together and happy, if you at all possibly can. If you are more comfortable taking things slow and keeping it on the down low, then by all means, do so. Eventually you will want to be open to the world as a couple, but, there will still be no need to be overly forward about sharing the actual relationship with the world. Family will know, and that's fine. They'll either be OK with it, or they'll get over it, as will the ex. If you'd rather not have a hot mess of drama out of him, then I would certainly agree with you keeping it on the down low for the 3 years or so that it will take to where he has no right to even mention it. Even if before that, he can't DO anything about it, he can raise it as an issue. Why bother listening to it? I'm sure the two of you will be able to play it by ear and you will know at each step, how to proceed.....

 So again, welcome, and feel free to share as your comfort level allows, and keep us posted on the progress. We like the success stories, of which, you two have the potential to be.

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Nurse Cousin -

Welcome!  Hawk has said it all but I want to confirm what he says - We are are committed to keeping you private and safe!!!

Your ex sounds like a real "control freak" and I would like to recommend a book to you.  It is NASTY PEOPLE:  HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  It teaches you how to recognize when someone is trying to bully you and how to deal with them in a positive manner.  i found that book years ago, kept on reading and rereading it.  The result is that I changed my life into a happy positive one.  I'm always recommending it!  LOL

Do keep coming here and let us know how you are doing.

HUGS

Nat

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One of these days I am going to read Nattana's book.  It has obviously had a profound effect on her and she recommends it anytime someone here is encountering a nasty person.  

Quote

 ,,,,but he does worry if I have a boyfriend because of the kids.

I have been divorced for 7 years; my kids were 11 and 13 when the deed was done.  There is a difference between being concerned about your ex's romantic relationships and hiring detectives to follow them and do background checks.  I threw a fit when my ex moved in with another woman before we were divorced and then wanted to take my kids on vacation with them or even wanted the kids to spend the night when she was there.  I threw a fit when the biyatch said hateful things to my oldest daughter. And I legally got my way.  Look, it's a challenge to be on the outside and not be able to do anything about who your ex is exposing your kids to.  It's tough as hell.  But he has NO right to interfere. Even the BF who had a drug conviction, unless the guy hadn't learned his lesson and was still involved in the drug scene, your ex had no legal grounds to interfere. He had no moral or ethical grounds to interfere for that matter.  It's good that your ex keeps in touch with the kids.  But don't think for a moment that he is not trying to control you by 'interrogating' the kids.  I am going to assume that you are providing a safe, stable home life for your kids (if not then we can have a different kind of discussion) and under that assumption, he needs to BACK OFF.  He will say that his interference is for the sake of the kids..BULLS**T!  Don't buy into that malarky.  If he is talking to his kids daily then he will know all he needs to know through their discussions.  All he needs to know about your love interests is:

1.  Are the kids being treated kindly?

2.  Is there any illegal activity happening in front of them/in their home?  

3.  Are the kids being put in harm's way?

4.  Is the romantic interest trying to parent the children?

If the answer to these questions is "No" then your ex needs to BACK OFF.  I think you need to get a little, or maybe a lot, angry about this.  

If you can't tell, I'm a little passionate about this,,,,.  

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Sorry it took so long to get back, been very busy the last week. I understand this forum is anonymous, but still, some things I wish he hadn't discussed. At least he kept it PG. If this were one of those forums where anything goes, I can imagine what he would have posted.

We're still planning our vacation together, still trying to decide when would be a good time, which is part of what I want to ask about. He has been invited to the wedding of a long time friend and coworker which will take place during one of the time frames we've discussed and we're not sure what to do. We've talked about going together but we're not so sure. I'm not sure if I'm ready to meet his friends and coworkers yet, plus how does he introduce me? Does he say I'm his long distance girlfriend, or his cousin, or both, or what?

Any ideas?

 

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We're getting together in early July and I can't wait! We decided to skip the wedding I was invited to, a little too soon for that. Now have to see what's going on in my area so we can have stuff to do.

Would like to just do some fun stuff, and maybe something a little romantic too. When we were younger, we worried about being found out but now, that's not really the case.

Any suggestions?

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as for what he should call you, i'd say whatever you are both comfortable with. i'd want to be referred to as his girlfriend if i were in your shoes, but i'm not, so that's up to ya'll!

ok, now for what to do... what do ya'll LIKE to do? do you enjoy hiking? biking? skiing? are ya'll more of the wine-me-dine-me type people? do you enjoy theme parks? movies? picnics by the lake? there are so many things we could suggest, but it all boils down to one thing.... finding things to do that make you both happy. 

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We've decided we're going to get together the week after the 4th of July. As for if we run into people he knows, we've agreed he'll say I'm an old friend from our teen years he reconnected with when he went to the conference a while back, basically keep it ambiguous. Again, I do care for him, but not sure what direction our relationship will take, especially since I'm dealing with my kids, ex, and the fact we're long distance.

As for what we like to do, well, we've been talking about doing some cycling while we're there, take in some shows, and some wining and dining. He's trying to see what's going on in his city while I'll be there. I think we'll have a good time.

The kids will be going to see their dad, so I'll have the free time. I wonder now if I should tell them. They already know him as my cousin as does my ex, so I doubt anyone will be suspicious, but I do wonder if future visits will raise any red flags with anyone.

In spite of all this, I can't wait!

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I stumbled upon this website while trying to find books and movies about cousins in love. My cousin and I have been in love for about 17 years. We are both in our mid-thirties now. 

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Today is a big day. My cousin is coming in later for a week long visit. Her kids are going to see their dad for a couple of weeks so she's got some free time. She did tell her kids she'll be visiting me, but since she'll have her cell phone, Skype, etc., they won't have any trouble reaching her if they need to. As far as we know, nobody suspects anything.

Tomorrow night is a big fireworks display and we plan to go. I've got some other activities planned too.

I'll let everyone know how it turns out.

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