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Cousin Couple

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Guest RNinNJ

Hi Everyone,

I am looking for some advice and regarding my current situation. Allow me to provide you with a little background. I am 23 and he is 25. My cousin and I fell in love about 7 years ago. In that time most of our family and friends are aware of our relationship and have not been outwardly repulsed or negative about the situation. We currently live with my mom (who has been rather accepting of our relationship so far) and are looking to start a new chapter of our life by buying a house. When we discussed this with his parents, of course the questions of marriage and children arose. They also implied that even after all this time they thought we might still break up or change our minds. I would like to get married and have children some day, but I am terrified of the backlash we may receive. I would not want our special day ruined by people who may try to stop us from getting married or (my worst fear) no one will be there to support us at all. We currently live in NJ which I believe is a cousin marriage friendly state. I am also catholic and would like to get married in the catholic church if possible, but I am not sure if they can support such a marriage. Also, before having children I would like to have genetic testing done, but I am afraid at what they will say when they find out we are related. Basically, I am looking for insight/advice from anyone who has been through any of these situations and how it worked out for you. Any input you have would be extremely appreciated. 

Thank you

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RN, i hope i can put a few of your fears to rest. let's break this down...

most of your family and friends know of your romance, and are not negative. your mom is accepting. and now 7 years later you're afraid of a backlash if you get married? you're panicking over nothing. if there would be a backlash, it would have already happened. nobody is going to ruin your day. you, however, may ruin the chance of your day ever happening if you don't make up your mind to control your fear instead of it controlling you.

the catholic church is not going to have a problem with it. if you are first cousins, you will need to apply for dispensation. that involves a paper forum and a fee, which varies from one diocese to the next. under the 'info pages' menu link, select 'basement' and then select 'ask an expert'. on that page you'll find a link to a chat session (many years ago) with a canon law expert who did her thesis on cousin marriage in the catholic church. you might find it interesting.

your insurance should cover genetic counselors. go see one. trust me, they won't even bat an eye at the fact that you're cousins. unless you get someone still wet behind the ears, it's unlikely  that you will be the first (and certainly not the last) cousin couple that they see in their career. what they will do is give you a great deal of confidence to move forward.


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Guest XRayCousin

If you're sure this is what you really want and there hasn't been any backlash yet, and of course you live in a place where your marriage is legal, go for it. My cousin and I were in love when we were your age, but we knew there would be backlash over it, so we didn't pursue it and she went and married someone else.

Over 20 years later, she's divorced and we recently reconnected. We've got complications involving her ex husband, their 2 kids, custody, which is making it harder, but we are working on it. We don't know what will happen with us, but we're keeping open minds  Don't miss out on your chance for true happiness.


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