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Guest adxrnir

Making the relationship work out

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Hi, I'm 15 years old and me and my 17 year old first cousin have been dating for 8 months. We've been meeting up and going on dates often but it just feels very uncomfortable for him personally that we always have to be careful of what we do in public incase we see anyone we know. In the past month we've went on many family trips with both his parents, mine and other cousins. During these trips we often separate ourselves from other cousins and its getting suspicious for some as they asked him if something was going on between us, he denied it several times. We've been dating but we never really called it official as in he never asked me to be his girlfriend, even though we made out several times. Last week he called it over, as in he couldn't stand doing this any longer because he thinks its impossible and it wont go anywhere. Impossible as in he feels uncomfortable with having to hide this relationship all the time and having to always be careful of where we go, what we do in public and not being able to open up with anyone. He says that lately he feels uncomfortable with being near my parents because he feels that he broke my moms trust (his mom is my moms sister). And honestly I just don't know what to do anymore, I'm so stressed out and I feel that it's so unfair that we we're born cousins. 

I told my best friend about this and she completely understand and was so supportive but the fact that he didn't tell anyone at the start meant that he had to keep everything to himself. Which i completely understand is very stressful. He told me that in the last 3 months it seemed on and off as in the relationship feeling unstable, he was thinking to himself how far it could go and he wanted to leave it since then but he kept coming back anyways. Everything is so stressful and I really want this to work out. Last week was the worst week of my life when he called it off and said that it was impossible. Now we're still talking but I just got sister zoned, even though we still have feelings for each other. Is there any way to make things work out? I really need advice and help. I really want things to work out for me and him, I just a way to explain to him that it is still possible. 

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there is still a way for things to work out... but probably not right now. i know it feels like your life is rushing by at the speed of light, but trust me on this... it's not. right now you are both still learning how to deal with the emotions and complications of a relationship... still learning how to be IN a relationship. and to make it more difficult, how to handle the potential bad reactions of other people you hold near and dear.

there is definitely a way to make things work out. but the question is, do you want the possibility of it working out long term or short term? if you are looking at long term, then the way to do that is to let things remain in the sister zone for now. don't get so hung up that you refuse to date other people (notice i say 'date', not sleep with... i'm a big proponent of waiting, waiting, waiting before getting intimate to that degree). dating other people will help both of you learn how to be in a relationship without causing damage to your own relationship. there's a line from a poem by merrit malloy that says 'baby birds dropped from a nest too soon, die.' she wasn't talking about birds in that poem. she was talking about exactly this sort of thing. 

there are hundreds of stories from people just like you who loved a cousin as a teenager... then life got in the way, and years later they reunited and in many cases married. but this, this is not the right time. i'll step aside now and let hawk come in and give his sage advice.

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I had a similar relationship with a 2nd cousin when I was a teen and we had to deal with many of the same issues. We spent a lot of time together and nobody suspected. We never hand held or showed affection in public, but did manage to get private time together for that. We spent time together more when our families visited because his sister didn't like me and didn't want to hang around, so it was often just me and him, and sometimes his or my friends. We lived in towns a couple of hours apart and visited regularly, often taking long visits in the summer.

We saw each other, but also had other boyfriends/girlfriends like normal teens do. Part of me really wanted to be with him, but knew at that time, it couldn't be, but I couldn't break it off with him. His family moving a long way away so visits became less frequent was what finally broke us up.

I later married someone else, had 2 children, and then divorced, but have started reconnecting with my cousin again. Not sure where it will go, but I'll take it slow and just see where it leads. You may be able to be with him one day, but not now. Also as you grow and figure out what you want, you may find that your taste in partners will grow too, and find someone else.

You're very young, take it slow. When I look back to being your age, I still can't believe some of the guys I was interested in. Both of you still have plenty of growing up to do, and I tell my girls(age 16 and 14) the same thing.

Good luck to you both.

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