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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest confusedANGEL21

should i face it or keep denying?

9 posts in this topic

I was 16 when I started to have a sexual relationship with my first degree cousin. It was at first a "just for fun" kind of thing, we never said anything about love or we just ignored the feeling because we are after all cousins. I thought the sexual attraction would go away in time but it did not, 3 years after I found out I pregnant, the first thought we had was to get rid of the baby, but after so much thinking we decided not to, within the five months period of my pregnancy the relationship wasn't sexual anymore he started to care more and got so much interested with the baby, but before we could go on with a plan my parents learned about my pregnancy and that the father of my baby was my first cousin and along with his parents they decided to keep us away from each other. From that time on he kept his distance, he didn't show up to say hi or check on me, alone I felt I was betrayed  because he made me face all the challenges pregnancy could bring alone, five days after I gave birth i received a call from him but i refused to talk to him. Years quickly passed by, i graduated from college, earned a degree, passed the board exams became a nurse but during that period of time I did not have any romantic relationship with anyone, although I did try to date but it always ends up unsuccessful so I gave up on finding anyone. I hear about how he was from my other cousins and from facebook but I just ignore it and go on with my life. I haven't talk to my son regarding his father and he doesn't have any idea who he is so when he was 10 years old he started to ask about his father, my thoughts was to deny it from him and tell a lie or give him the truth he deserves,. and if I tell him the truth I thought that maybe it is both mine and his responsibility to do so we both should be present. So because of that I went to see him at his work place expecting nothing but a plain casual meeting. But I was surprised on how I felt, my heart beats still triples and the urge to hug and kiss him and tell him how much I missed him was still there, athough I tried to be casual during our conversation I still feel how my whole being reacts to his presence, we exchanged numbers with a purpose of planning on how to tell our now 11 years old son with the circumstances of his being. But unexpected things happend, from our daily exchange of calls and text, I learned what he went trough being away from me how he reached out. I also learned how he secretly gave his support financially during the course of my pregnancy and during the time I gave birth, the cans of milk, bags of diapers vitamins and all who I first thought was from my parents was from him. I have no idea how it happend but after a few days I bumped into his roommate and learned how he suffered during the time to which I thought he abandoned and forgot about me and my sons existence. Our communications is becomming frequent, he always tells me he loves me and that I and his son are the best things he wants to have but could not have. On my part I haven't said anything about what I am feeling, I have learned to keep what I feel for 11 years and now I am confused whether to face it or keep on denying and go on with my life as it is without him. I feel it is going to be a lot more harder and I am confused whether to give us a second chance or let it go.. 

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Your story gave me goosebumps.  I relate on many levels.  I am so proud of your accomplishments and strength.  I have no specific advice, but I just wanted you to know you are not alone and my heart and soul was deeply touched by this and your amazing ability to complete nursing school while raising your beautiful son.  I want you to have all the happiness you deserve.  

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My first thought is that providing a few token items like diapers and milk while you are pregnant is a far cry from shouldering the responsibility of fatherhood.  For whatever reasons, he bailed on you and your son.  He may have regretted his decision, but if he had really wanted to get in touch with you and be a father to his son, he could have.

Perhaps now he is regretting his decision and perhaps he is ready to man up; although you have not yet given us any indication that he is prepared to do this.

It's time for you to be frank with your cousin;  ask him if he is ready to assume the responsibility of fatherhood.  If he really "suffered" he will seize the opportunity to make it right.If he balks and gives excuses then you know what kind of a man he really is.

There is no need to tell your son, necessarily, that his father is your cousin.  Tell him that he was somebody you loved a long time ago and that he is not ready to be a part of your lives. Tell him that you hope that his dad will change his mind, that you hope that one day your son can have a relationship with with his dad, but for now, that just isn't possible.

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confusedANGEL,

 I have a little different take on it than Serendipity perhaps. I'm not so sure she had a little peek as to where you are, like I did. You do not mention where you are, so, rest assured, I shan't either. However, if the look-up is right, I'm extremely curious as to how this has went this long with the family drama. For one, I'm surprised either the marriage wasn't arranged, or you didn't face MAJOR repercussions for your actions. If you are of the culture where it shows you as being, and not of foreign decent living there, (and even if you are) I don't know how this whole thing managed to slide by, and someone not get seriously hurt or killed. 

 All of that said, if he has actually done what he can without it being known openly, (and possibly threatening the well being of you and your child) and is now willing to step up, and in a position to do so, (you don't mention him being with anyone else) then I would at the very least have a nice long (overdue) adult conversation. The family was successful in keeping you apart for these many years. Now, as adults, when the truth finally needs to come out, and you two are now adults, they have no say any longer. I do know where you are, (again, if the look-up is right) it is more than perfectly legal for you two to marry, and it is regularly encouraged. However, I'm not sure if there would be legal or religious ramifications of you doing so at this late date, and with obvious evidence of previous premarital sex. (your son)

 Your situation is the PERFECT example of why I ALWAYS tell our younger members to put this all on the back burner until you are older, and in a position of independence. Since you did not, and it was ( you were in a motherly way) positively evident there was something going on, they were able to successfully keep you two apart. If you have the chance now, to make a go of it, even if you have to leave, I would strongly recommend it. You will still want to feel him out as Serendiptiy said, but, if he has been doing everything he can think of with out jeopardizing the safety of you and the child, I would think now is the time to make things right. If there is even the slightest risk of harm coming to any of you, all of this should be done most discretely. Then, leave if you must. As I say, it is well past time for this conversation. If he has been setting around biding his time for 11 years, I'll assure you, he has taken every contingency into consideration, and you would be well advised to hear him out. He may have plans already in place. Pick your steps carefully and quietly, and take things as they come.....

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Well, Hawk has put me in my place.  And rightfully so.  It did not occur to me that there could be cultural considerations.  Yes, I could tell that English was not your first language, but otherwise I made no other considerations.

Heed Hawk's advice - he is looking out for your best.

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hi everyone thank you so much for the replies I appreciate it so much. @Hawkyou got my current location right but not to worry because it's just my job that took me here :) I trully appreciate your concern. I am a 100% filipina and a roman catholic. Anyway my parents and his have been hiding what had happend, one thing I am grateful for is that his parents and I grew even closer due to what had happend, his family and mine have a very good relationship its as if nothing had happend. My mother was furious knowing about the relationship most of all the pregnancy, the first reaction that she had was abortion I couldn't have stopped her but thanks to his parents who stood up firm that we should keep the baby (to which I just learned that he begged his parents to convince my mother not to go on with the plans and he promised them he would stay away from me as long as the baby is unharmed). After I gave birth my mother calmed down and since my son was the first grandchild of both sides (his family and mine) he became the apple of their eye, I can tell they love him so much to distraction until now. Before my son had his 2nd birthday, he got married our parents were overjoyed knowing he might have moved on and I on the other hand was into so much pain and was furious I felt it was unfair this became my drive to stay in school and finish my studies and be a nurse cause I wanted to show him I can be and can do more without him which I with the blessings of God became successful with. So my mom (without me knowing) has been talking to him already and communicating about my sons achievements and developments. He kept his distance, made sure we don't bump into each other during family events (if i am around) but two years ago my mother invited his family for my dad's birthday (I was not there I was abroad) so the wife went with him and had quite a good time with the family i guess. A month ago that was when the communications line went back again and all the things that i don't know of he was able to tell me, on his account he said he did tried to keep his distance and he tried his best to be present in everyway possible, I also learned that during the time his family visits us they would take my son to his work place and he has happy spending time with him but aches to tell him who he was. When this girl (who already has a daughter from past relationship) came into his life he just planned to have a fling just to keep his mind away from me but ended up marrying her because she said she was pregnant with his child (which was a false alarm). He said he told her about me and the child before they even got married and that he would never be fully hers because he felt he already belonged to someone, but the girl insisted they should get married because she is pregnant and that her parents will be furious because she already had a child from another man and that she will have a child again unmarried on his side he aggreed because he felt it is his responsibility to stand up for the child that they would have and at the same time he thought our relationship will go nowhere because we could never be together (based on Philippine cultural standards)  even if he wants to. It was almost the same thing his roommate said, there was not a night that he wouldn't shed tears from missing me and for the longing to be with me and our child, the roommate even told me that before the marriage there was one incident that the girl saw my photos on his phone,he refused to delete it so the girl was furious and i think i phone ended up broken. Their relationship was never peaceful because even me being far away, the wife's jealousy of me was over the top. i dont have any idea why because we don't have any communication at the time... For years in the marriage and 3 children of thier own the wife still keeps on being jealous of me and of other things they always have fights (this is before we got back communicating).. i dont know anymore what there is .. although i love him so much and i wanted us to be together but there is so much to think about, recently he talked about him taking a job in Europe and said he would be happy if me and my son will go with him,.. i dont know anymore what to do.. i was okay for 11 years keeping my feelings in my own now that he wanted to be back i have no idea if i should want to knowing that the separation from his wife was still fresh (almost a year now) and my family and his were okay,,, should i go on and keep it a secret or just deny and move on.. 

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Ugh.  So basically he decided to abandon all responsibility for this son and  moved on to another woman and the responsibility of a child that is not his own.  He sounds like a winner (not). Take the cousin factor out of this situation and you still have a jerk.

You need to stop making excuses for him.  No amount of crying over you makes him a stand-up guy.  He  left you for another woman and that is that.  Why would you consider moving to another country with him?  You have a LONG way to go in this relationship before you should even consider anything long term with him.  A starting place would be for him to start paying child support.  And if you have to go through legal venues to make that happen, then do it.  No matter how warm and fuzzy his phone conversations make you feel, you've gotta think long and hard about this. And if you do move to Europe together, what about his 3 other children?  Is he going to just abandon them like he did your son?  Is he divorced or just separated from his wife now?  One means he is available, the other means he is still off limits.  

And you know, I would be a little wary anyway.  He says he "had" to marry his wife because she told him she was pregnant, but he wasn't wise enough to confirm the pregnancy before he said "I do"?  Either he is lying (probably) or he is very, very naive.  

 

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i guess you're right.. thanks so much for putting sense into my confused mind.. i really appreciate so much your effort to read and think through.. i guess i will choose to stop myself from feeling the way i feel coz it will be for the best.. his kids are with him because the ex wife is already with another guy.. and I don't want to complicate the situation any further.. thanks so much.. :)

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In no way to I want to give the impression that putting him out of your mind will be easy.  I'm not even necessarily saying that you should put him out of your mind.  I AM saying that you need to really find out what kind of man he is.  You need to really open your eyes, evaluate the situation, determine what kind of father and partner he will be and then make an informed decision about this relationship.

We have all been through heart break and we all ubderstand the pain that it brings.  Know that we are here to help you.  Keep us posted, let us know how you're doing.  You are not alone.

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