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Tom182

For once, seeing my cousin next year will bring me more pain than joy

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Hey everyone :) Not posted here for a while. I hope you are all well.

So there was no family holiday this year (we've been going on them with my cousins and their parents since 2010) due to work and higher education commitments. But I heard some fantastic news recently that we will definitely be going away next year. Even if it is a long way off right now it made me excited and happy. I should have told her how I felt the first time I fell for her in 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015 etc you get the picture. All these holidays I had the opportunity but evidently not in the balls department.

As I am told we are going away I start to contemplate how I'll tell her, the mind has already gone into overdrive. 2017 will be THE year I tell myself (heard that one before but I meant it this time) and then it arrived. It felt like someone had punched me into oblivion and ripped out the heart from my chest. As my dad said the words: "She wants to take the boyfriend with her." Well. Could have done without that on a family holiday. 

This changes everything.

The one occasion where I could tell her face to face. Just us two away from the rest. But now I cannot. I'm already dreading sitting there awkwardly as they make out or whatever and it will show because despite how much I try to suppress my emotions it is going to be painful and it will be written all over my face. I wear my heart on my sleeve. But fortunately I think if I get drunk enough each night it will get me though it and hide how I really feel. Alcohol is wonderful for that scenario. 

I might even end up really liking the guy. Apprantely he's into gaming a lot (like me but he doesn't like any sport) but it doesn't change it's just going to feel weird but I wouldn't create any hostility or needless drama. I wouldn't want to upset her or create a toxic environment that ruins the holiday. It just sucks playing the waiting game and nothing is seeming to pay off. Although it never should have taken this long. I could and should have told her years and years ago. If there is a God he is mocking me right now or teaching me a lesson. 

I always look forward to seeing her at the airport each year after so many months. I get nervous but it's a great feeling nonetheless. Even at the end of a holiday it is bittersweet but next year I'm going to have her walk up to us in the arms of another man and I don't want to think about how much that will hurt. But I don't dislike or hate the guy. 

EDIT: Posted this in the wrong section and unsure how to delete. If a mod could move it to help/advice I would appreciate it. Thank you. 

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Right now I think you may be overthinking this.

Just because she has boyfriend now, unless they are engaged and even if it has gotten to that, she may not

have one over a year from now.  You are getting worked up over something that may not happen and making a wreck

of yourself.  And already planning to drown your sorrows in alcohol is not much of a plan anyway.

 

Why not just put  this on the back burner until and unless your "fears" become reality. No need to punish yourself

needlessly for that period of time.

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It's all I can do. I've been avoiding looking at social media completely. Not like it prevents me from thinking about her. Then him with her. How I'll have potentially two weeks of seeing them together on holiday (unless they break up but she is really into him, apprantely) 

I am overthinking it but this is what happens when you get stuck on the same person for six years. Large amounts of alcohol consumption isn't much of a plan but it can help block out the sadness when I'm over there and will help me forget temporarily. What else can I do? I can't say anything to her. 

I wish I could forget believe me. Before I used to feel happy thinking about her but now it just makes me depressed. 

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