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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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sk8erdude

Need advice

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Ive been in love with my first cousin for 20+ years. Last year i finally got the guts to tell her. The feelings werent mutual at first but as the year has gone on she developed feelings for me. We have had a sexual relationship for the past few months along with living together. However she refuses to be open about us and is currently dating a couple of other guys. She wants me to OK with it and be nice to these guys but i find myself becoming angry and hurt. What can i do to stop becoming angry and be OK with the love of live sleeping with other guys? Should i just be happy with the time that i have and would it be wrong of me to demand more of her time? Please help!!! My head is so screwed up.

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Yes we are currently living together. And i hate to think that she would use me like this but that has been a nagging thought in the back of my head. I would hate to lose her.

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Have you ever discussed to each other the parameters of your relationship at all? Because I also hate to admit, but she?s using you.

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Only that we werent going to be open to our family. We had an issue a few years ago of our cousin dating his half sister and after all the ridicule he got she didn't want it out there. Then our aunt got her on this dating site and she starting seeing these other dudes. We were planning to move from where we live to another state where neither of us know anyone so we could be together but now i am having these issues that she basically told me i had to deal with. That it is price of being with her. However dealing with it killing me.

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This is serious stuff. I don?t know what to say anymore. On one hand she is ridiculing you and on the other hand you love her. But the point of love is happiness. Now let me ask you this: are you happy?

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Not as much anymore. Before the dating site i was always happy. Now it seems like i spend as much time pissed off and hurt as i do being happy. She keeps telling to look at the fact that she confides in me and not these other Dudes and that she spends more time with me then them but even when it is just us she is constantly on her phone texting or talking to them. We havent had any time just for us in about a month.

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Do you really love her? Do you want to fight for her? You still have a chance, a really big chance, with really nothing more to lose.

Do a method that is the same as saving dull marriages and relationships. Try to treat her specially for (a period of time). Just like dating her again basically. Treat her with the love you think she deserves. Do stuff together, and maybe have fun. Woo her. I can’t fully describe it but the point is winning her back again. After that period of time passes, you can then make your assessment.

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Yes i really love her, and yes i want to fight for her. I cant even begin to imagine a life with out her. Thank you for the advice. I'm going to have to try it. Hopefully i can make her see the true depth of my love, and show her that she is the goddess that i see when i look at her. Thanks again

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Sk8erdude, I don't see your ages other than to know that you're both at least 20 :)

In any case, I have good news and bad news.  The good news is that she is staying with you and keeping it sexual because she cares about you, enjoys your company, and trusts you.  You're the "safe zone".  The bad news is that she's being incredibly selfish, even if she doesn't realize it.  Clearly she doesn't understand the dynamics of relationships and human sexuality so she's seeing other guys hoping to find something equally or even more "safe".  You're safe and comfortable but there's always that family ridicule thing she has to worry about.

Find out if that's really the ONLY thing she objects to in terms of making you her one and only.  Find out if she does have a desire to eventually "settle down" for one man... you know - the whole white picket fenced house thing.  If she does have that desire then it's a matter of finding out exactly why that guy can't be you that she shares it with.

Ultimately, one or the other of you MUST make a choice:

1) You accept the status quo and learn to "live with it" (probably impossible)

2) You end it and eventually move on (very hard but may be the right answer)

3) She accepts you as her "Mister Right", to heck with the family and others who would control her life as if they had some right to live it for her (also tough because you have little to no control over this one)

4) She punts and takes care of #2 for you

For my money, I'm hoping for #3.

Best wishes,

CM

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Cm in response to age i am 30 and she is 36. Since my last post we have had a major fight and she tried to break things off. However after talking to me she did express an interest in us getting a place together elsewhere from where we live. She does want the whole white picket fence thing and to get married however due to the potential family backlash I'm having a hard time convincing her that i should be the groom. Any additional advice would be most appreciated. Thank you.

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Holy smokes - 30 and 36! You kids need to hurry up and get hitched  :laugh:

Okay, now more seriously, it's encouraging that you're talking about going elsewhere and still talking.  Fighting is communicating, though not the most preferred way.  I say it's "communicating" because both parties are finally putting out everything on the table and while they may not be listening at that moment, when they go back over it in their heads (as we human being types tend to do), they reflect and think on what was said.

Here's my advice if the two of you ever get past this stage:  get away from family.  Far away.  Our families, by virtue of knowing us, think they know us well enough to impose their will on us - they know better than we do about what is best for us, right?  They will say they do (if not by their words, certainly by their deeds).  So, give them distance.  Some will come to accept and some never will.  Embrace those who remember that you're people and learn to be indifferent to the rest.

All you can do right now is earn her love IF it can be had.  I can promise you that any hint of jealousy or any behavior that shows jealousy or insecurity is immediate FAIL and WILL result in you being pushed aside.  Women just don't like being smothered, crushed, possessed, distrusted, or too badly needed by a man.

One thought - see if you can pick up a copy of "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" by Willard Harley.  Read about a woman's needs and the "love bank".  Even if you aren't going to become her man, you'll want and need this valuable information at some point in your lives.

Best wishes,

CM

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I think that may be part of the issue now that you mention it. I almost feel unworthy of her. I know how good of a man she can get and that she can do better then me. Ill most certainly pick up copy's of those books. Thank you whole heartedly for the advice.

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