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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Heartfelt

Getting it off my chest

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5 posts in this topic

Well, where do I begin?  I guess most stories are best when started from the beginning.  I have a cousin, one of many as I come from a family with 9 uncles and 3 aunts on my paternal side alone.  This one cousin I have always been fond of, she has a super personality and is quite funny.  Please bear in mind that we have a 13 year age difference between us.    Usually I would only get to see this cousin a couple times a year. 

I am married and have been for 7 years.  I have known my wife for a very long time. We have been friends since I was 9 and her 10.  We have no children and cannot due to my wife having a medical condition. Our work lives sometimes outweigh our personal lives.

Anyways, this year was the first time in several years I was able to attend our family reunion.  My wife could not attend as she had to work and could not get the time off.  I ended up arriving a day later than everyone else.  I ended up reuniting with my first cousin.  She had grown up a lot and had since turned 18.  Due to there not being many folks our age we spent the next two days attached at the hips.  We had a lot of fun and talked about tons of stuff.  We even share the same rare blood type!

Before we left I found out that she would be going to college 5 min away from where I work.  I offered to help with studying or finding her a tutor as I work with engineers.

We started hanging out all the time when I have free time and the wife has to work.  My wife knows we hang out and is not concerned, however I am very concerned.  I spend a lot of time along setting up equipment so I have a lot of time to think.  For the last couple months the only thing I think about is her.  I fantasize out spending my life with her, I dream about her, my whole world revolves around thoughts of her and us.  This leaves me feeling very guilty as you can probably guess.  No matter what I try I can't  stop thinking of her or trying to be around her.

Now as I explained we are both in relationships.  While I LOVE every second being around her I am very careful to keep my feelings hidden as I don't want to interfere with her relationship.  I am 99.999999% sure she knows however she still stays very close with me.  I am torn, I expect that she has feeling for me, but not sure as being a guy I miss those subliminal hints and subtle body language.

Anyways.  I am sitting next to this wonderful girl typing this message as she does her homework.....  I have decided that I will not pursue her as she deserves someone her own age and she's still so young, she deserves to mature into a wonderful young lady without the social stigmatism that's associated with cousin relationships.  If I was not married I would pursue her and try to win her heart. 

This message was just my way of venting these feelings without destroying anything important to me in the process.  I have no one I could talk to regarding this, I live in Idaho and these types of relationships are looked down on. 

I am totally in love with her in a way I have never experienced with any girl in my life.  Having made this choice my heart is broken, I feel like I am losing my chance to be with my soulmate.  This is my choice to make and I will do the right thing by everyone else and my honor....  I expect I will regret this the rest of my life, but what can you do? I will make a conscious effort to improve my marriage and either way will watch my cousin mature into a beautiful woman. Maybe, someday in the future, maybe not, it's hard to say what life may bring.

Thanks the everyone here at CC.  I needed a place to get this out and off my chest where I wouldn't get flamed to death.  I appreciate this medium.  To all those out there who have found their cousin soulmate, if your not married already, don't be afraid! You only get one life, follow your heart.  If it's not meant to be, no regrets, right?There is no reason not to follow your heart, if you love each other!  Thanks again everyone!

Best wishes

Heartfelt from Idaho

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You made a very wise choice. I could just imagine how hard it was to not be able to follow your heart. I'm sure she feels the same way about you but she probably doesn't want to pursue a relationship because you are married and she is already in a relationship. I think making this decision is the best thing you can do because you won't ruin the relationship you guys already have.  :smiley:

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Thanks for the support, I need it.  In my adult life I have never had to make a decision this hard.  Making decisions of the heart using your mind is cruel to the heart. I feel like someone has park a car on my chest and that my world has just stopped spinning.  Being my age, I can't understand why this had to happen now.  I thought I was grown up enough to not have to deal with this stuff.  Just going forward one day at a time is an effort in itself.  While I am wishing and all, I wish I had a family member or close friend I could talk to, but while I have many people I know, I have very few friends, and none that would understand.  Anyone who has not experienced being in love with a cousin will not truly understand how different it is from other relationships. 

Thanks again!

Heartfelt from Idaho

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Hello sir. I would like to say that i agree with the replies so far, you are a true gentleman.

However i feel like i should play the devils advocate a bit here, to give som contrast.

I can relate very much to your statement that you have never felt love like this before, it is exactly how i would describe my own feelings (also for a younger cousin, 10 year difference)

I thought as you did for a long time, ignoring my feelings and suppresing them so strongly, that i didnt even realize what they were.  After having been building for years, it all came out last christmas, we spent together. We spent the whole day just staring at each other, connecting in an almost telepathic way. It was so intense that the sorrounding world became a blur and i lost all sense of time and space.  having had now 9 months(and seeing her several times since) to analyze this, i have arrived at clarity.  Not only am i in love with her, after having allways loved her dearly.  but she must feel as i do. If i try to put myself in her place; what would she want ?

I think that she would like to act on her feelings just as much as i do, but because of her young age, and the social stigmas and norms, and that the man should be the initiator, she is holding back.

I dont know your situation, but it seems similar to mine, and many other stories i have seen at this site. The hesetation.

I could not possibly know what its like to be married and then develop these feelings, but i feel like i must say this;

Not following ones emotions and desires only leads to an unhappy life. Your honour and morals are admirable, but ultimately incompatible with your true feelings.

I would therefore say, dont let the feelings eat you up inside. If nothing else, tell her how you feel. Getting it out will lessen your burden and expressing it may shed some new light on it.

Having had several near death experiences in my life, i have realized that life is to short to deny oneself happiness.

I better stop rambling now. When i get started, its hard for me to stop again  :smiley:

I know what im saying is very drastic, but we could all drop dead tomorrow. And for me atleast, that makes it all seem that much more urgent.

Best regards, ebbe the red haired scandinavian viking  :wink:

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