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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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looneytune

When it's real you just know it...please dont deny it...you will regret it!

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After reading a lot of posts about passion and fear I felt compelled to say this...

When it's real you just know it...please dont deny it...you will regret it!

If you find at a young age that there is a HUGE 'mutual' attraction with a person that happens to be your cousin...something you feel powerless over...something that your heart and soul cannot deny or forget...please listen to them for they will never give you peace  I look back to a time when I was young and free...but scared...and now realize that the fear i had then about the consequences of my actions...the shame of facing my family...could never be worse than the many years wasted fighting off the feelings and the dreadful realization that it was never going to go away.  Both of us have tried to lead normal expected lives so noone around us would be uncomfortable or angry...all it did was make us both uncomfortable and angry...how utterly sad.  So date people...have fun...live life normal but dont think for a minute that someone else will be able to make you forget.  Think long and hard before you commit to another if you feel the undeniable with your cousin...your soulmate will never leave ur soul...I know because i've been waitng for 40 years and nothing has changed for either of us...we still want our time to come.

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carol,

I was going to reply in another tread of yours, but, I'm having MAJOR issues with my ISP, and I lost this site as I was posting, and lost the post. This thread is a perfect opportunity to rehash my thoughts to you.

I am curious. I don't know if you have been here long, or how much you may have read here. I would like to know if you have seen any of my replies in which I have went into my "broken record speech" to young members?

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No i have not...i simply posted to let young people know not to let opportunities pass them by because the regrets become so much more torturous than the possible wrath of family and society...i know this from experience...if u want to explain why u asked me that feel free unless ur going to tell me i did something wrong...had more than enough of that here today... :smiley:

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looneytune,

No, I shall not pass judgement on you. I find myself in a somewhat similar situation. I have just divorced a woman I was with for almost 21 years. We had the possibility of a very good and long life together. Her abusive (emotionally, and on the rare occasion, physically) behavior when under the influence ruined any chance of that. In the last year, it became painfully obvious that she has no desire to ever change her behavior. I had no desire to continue on, until something tragic happened.  I buried one of my best friends and his wife in December, because they continued on, when they should have walked away. It was an automobile accident that took them, but we've all come to the conclusion that it was a murder/suicide of some sort. She was driving. Either she raged at him, said "I'll show you" and drove off the road, or he grabbed the wheel and jerked it, and said "Get out of this." Either way, the result was the same, and I was not going to continue on until our situation reached such a critical mass. And, after over 20 years of progressively bitter resentment over this behavior, it WAS heading toward a very bad place. We sat down after the last time it happened, and mutually realized it was time to end it. There does come a time when it's time.

The difference is, I see very little chance of me and my cousin ever being together. I went out of my way to be sure that whatever love there is between us was in no way a factor in my decision. I kept it from her initially until she saw cryptic posts on FB out of the ex-wife, and no more usual comments about "my wonderful loving husband." At that point, she knew something was up, and asked me what was going on. I went ahead and told her, before the nastiness was open on FB, which, eventually, it was, as I hear it. (I've been unfriended, and blocked.......boohoo) As I suspected she would, she was concerned that everyone would blame her for our breakup. It took considerable reassurance out of me that I had already got out in front of that, and that she had nothing to do with it, it was bad behavior out of the ex when she drank, and ONLY that. As Cuz has a long term BF here, and, it would seem, and "interest" of some nature where she is now, I'm a little far down the pecking order, and don't ever see us being together. I won't say NEVER, but, you get the picture. Just as I kept her out of my decision, I will NOT interject myself into any choices she has to make in her life. She will deal with her situation in her time, and her own way.

You are quite perceptive in where I was going with my line of questioning. As it was always my intent to stay happily married, (well, as happy as it could be, under the continuing circumstances) I only stuck around here to help younger members and lurkers. I've become famous (or, infamous, as the case may be) for what we call here the "broken record speech" to young members. The Readers Digest version is:

1) STAY IN SCHOOL, KEEP UP THE GRADES. Don't let any of this affect that. Get smart. Get some college or vo-tech under your belts.

2) KEEP IT ALL ON THE WAY DOWN LOW. Stay close. Build the friendship. At some point, the "If you weren't my cousin" thing will come up. At that point, it is time for a talk, which SHOULD include this broken record speech. Part of this part is "We need to keep this on the down low till we are older, and out of school." You do not need drama out of family at a tender age. It has the potential to ruin all future potential. Remain calm.

3) Parlay your education into gainful employment, and get independent. Family has MUCH less say once you are of age and independent. I prefer them to be at least 20, and really prefer them to be 22-24 years old, and even a little more established.

4) When the ducks are in a row, provided it is legal where you are to be together in the fashion you choose, GO FOR IT, AND DON'T LET ANYONE STOP YOU. They will either get over it, or be run over by it. Where they choose to put themselves in relation to that train when it pulls out is THEIR choice, NOT YOURS.

Had someone told you these things back in the day, would it have changed how you two handled the situation is what I'm wondering? I know back when our "moment" happened, there was no internet, more less a site such as this, with all the information out here now. Had there been, and someone like me to tell us these things, I dare say OUR situation would have been MUCH different. At least the CHANCE to have done things differently, based on solid information would have been there. I'm only curious as to if you would have been willing and able to have done things differently had someone laid it out like this to you at that time? If so, I have a co-signer. If not, then I could possibly be wasting my time harping this to our young members.

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First let me start by saying how very very sorry i am for ur friend and his wife...my heart feels heavy at the thought of such trajedy...and i'm sorry for ur unhappy marriage...and my heart is also racing from reading ur last paragraph...the answer to ur question is a resounding YESSSSS!  We both agree that if we had had the ability to communicate and the internet info and advice of today's generation we would be together today.  We have talked at length about the missed opportunities due to lack of communication from living hours away.  If my mother had given me the phone messages or letteres he had written when I was in college or if i had a computer or cell phone...our liives would have been very different...we both know that. He wouldnt have started drinking at the thought of me being gone...said he impulsively got married at 22 to forget me...I wasnt gone...he wasnt gone...he had let some time go by because he knew i was young and scared...then he bravely decided to call to ask me to GO FOT IT!  I never knew...if i had read the info on this sight and been able to talk to him more often i would have easily made the leap...and i totally agree that the decision should be after age 22 and with careful loving thought.  Our love is so mutually respectful and unconditional and insanely powerful that i know now we could have survived anything...it doesnt go away if its real and u will know if it's real...trust me i know...if i had read my own post 30 years ago i would be proudly writing my success story on this sight right now...

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I hope you will get the NP book and read it as many times as you need to read.  If you are willing to change yourself. it will be worth it no matter what happens.

You  can pm me any time .

HUGS

Nat

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looneytune,

Yeah, it is STILL tragic. Their children and grandchildren miss them very much, as do all of us friends and other family. Don't be sorry for my unhappy marriage. It was not all unhappy. We had very many good times. It was just like swimming with a ball and chain. You can do it for a while, but if you don't find the bank at some point, it will weigh you down and drown you. We were starting to suck in water. It was time to stop fighting it.

As for me and Cuz, our letting our "moment" make things awkward between us for decades led to our estrangement and lack of communication. Had we not done that to ourselves, our situation may have been much different too. However, there was the very real possibility that had we been in touch again before we are as old as we are now, we would have most likely screwed up and caused major carnage in each other's relationships. These things had to play out on their own, without undue influence from each other. We do love each other very much, and part of that is letting the other find their own way in life. Another HUGE difference is, our Mothers knew what was going on (well, at least a little, they could guess the rest) and did not in any way try to stop it. I see that as being as big a factor in your case as my Cuz being (and even still to this day) nervous as to what other people would think. Had either of our mothers got in the way of us, we would have known it immediately, and at least I would have put an end to that in very short order. But then again, we were 20 years old, I was out on my own, and she was working very hard in a school/work program to get to that point herself. There were many things we were doing right, and many things were were doing wrong as well. We suffered from a lack of solid information, and went on the whole "look in each others eyes, and know what we are thinking" a little too much, when the actual SAYING of it would have helped......

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