Yan X Yan

Need advice...

4 posts in this topic

Hi. I'm new here. I just registered a few hours ago. Hoping to meet some friends here and get help as well as help others in a similar situation.


I have to say that this site felt like a breath of fresh air, and I'm grateful this forum exists. 


I'm 32 years old from the Philippines. I guess one of the things I'll get asked is why I'm not yet married. To be honest, it has never really entered my mind. I mean, it has, but i never took it seriously before now. The problem is, I'm thinking of marrying my 1st cousin (my dad and her mom are siblings). She's 31.


We got together when she was in college and i just started working. I admitted i felt something for her then, but stopped short of saying i love(d) her. We did everything couples do, although we made sure we acted "properly" in public. Unfortunately, she told me that she wasn't serious about our relationship. I thought it was best since i didn't know we had options back then. We lasted for a few months until i decided it was time to move on (before things got really serious).


Unfortunately, after about 9-10 years (we rarely saw each other during the intervening years), we met at one of our family gatherings. We had been chatting maybe a month before then. It felt really nice to have been able to taok to her again. I asked her if we could talk in person, and we decided to do it during the coming gathering. I wanted to be friends with her so we could hang out. Basically, i wanted to spend time with her, even as just a friend. I had a girlfriend then, and when she saw my ex hug me during the event, something was triggered. I found myself chatting with her a few days after with her confessing that she ddid love me. She was just afraid because she felt what we had was wrong.


It was a shock, to be honest. To make the long story short, we're back together. This time a lot more serious than before. Like most girls her age (i guess?), she's quite concerned about her biological clock. She wants marriage and children. I did some research and thankfully found this site. 


I need advice in what to do now. She told me that she's 100% sure she'll say yes if i propose to her. Unfortunately, I'm not sure if we can get married here in this country. Another issue is our relatives. They're very conservative, and she cares about her family and doesn't want to hurt them. We're basically stuck between a rock and her family. I don't know how i should go about this. Any help/advice/suggestions are more than welcome and will be sincerely appreciated. Please ask questions if some things aren't clear and i promise to answer them.


Thank you.


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Yan x Yan,

Welcome to the forum! There are quite a few members from the Philippines on here, some that were actually married successfully (though probably not legally) so your goal is not totally impossible. However, it would definitely be a lot easier if the two of you immigrate to a country that accepts cousin marriage.

As a Filipino living in the US I can relate when it comes to conservative families. My husband/cousin just told his mother about us and our son a week ago (thread on the issue can be found below) and she did not take it well at all.


At worst case scenario, your cousin may need to choose between you or her family if she cannot convince them to accept with facts. It will be very difficult but as long as you remain strong and stay positive about your future together the two of you will be fine. Again, taking refuge within each other may be easier if you went to a different country and never turned back.

If your cousin is worried about having children there are plenty of couples here who have had healthy children. My husband and I have a normal, healthy son together and we plan. on having more. For extra peace of mind consider going to a genetic counselor. Just be sure you have extensive knowledge of diseases that run in your families. My husband and I did this while I was pregnant with my son but I suggest doing this before trying to conceive. We are going to try to do more thorough testing before conceiving our second child. A good result may also help in your argument against your parents.

Edited by 恋しいのうめ
grammar mistake and add more content

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恋しいのうめ, thank you so much. I can't tell you how relieved i am to read that people who share the (more or less) same background can empathize with my situation.


Right now, i have to agree that moving to another country is our best option. I want to legally marry her - i think she deserves that, at the very least. Children are also a concern, but I'll make sure to follow your advice with regard to having them. I want to be able to have children with her.


Our biggest problem is our family, to he honest. I can only hope they will at least consider our side before judging us. They're very conservative, and I'm afraid they'll disapprove.


I guess that's my biggest worry. How can we let our family know while minimizing the negative impact our relationship will surely have on them?


Again, thank you for answering. I will make sure to read your story. I'll probably share it with her, too. And if anyone else can add his/her input, I'll be sure to consider it/them.


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The only thing you can do to live happily with your cousin with the least amount of damage is to move off to another country without explaining your true intentions. If you don't tell them they would never have to worry about it. Ignorance is bliss in this case.

However, if you really want to let them know there is nothing you can do to minimize the damage. How they decide to take the news is up to them. The best thing you can do is to research both sides of the argument and arm yourself with facts so you will both be informed when you try to explain this to them. You will be able to argue against any opposing evidence they might throw at you.

I will tell you now that if they are as against this as most conservative parents are, they will do and say anything to get you guys to split up. Their "best" tactic is to try to get you with guilt, do not give in to it. The worst thing they can do is physical violence. Just steel yourselves to take any tactic they decide to use. It's going to be a tough fight and a long, ruinous road ahead if you decide to choose this route. If the two of you stay strong and keep your cause in mind then the battle will be worth it.


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