• Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0
Guest idontknowwhattodo

What do I do?

17 posts in this topic

I had an old post on this forum but I guess it's been long time deleted.

Honestly, I used to feel alone a lot of the times. Growing up I'd be bullied and I never really felt like I had any genuine friends.
At some point I started getting very severe depression and my cousin (Let's call him Mickey) would text me and call me and talk me out of it.

Mickey is very family-oriented and sometimes his actions always made me super confused.
I'll try my best to explain everything that's happened as they come to me in flashes of memory.

The first time was around when I was 8 - Mickey was 12. I used to rest my head on his shoulder and he'd ask why I was resting on him.
The minute I rested my head, he would tell me "no it's okay. You can keep it there."
I realized maybe I liked Mickey more than just a cousin. I never knew it was a social "taboo" at the moment so I asked my mom about it.
She obviously was appalled by it so I said nothing more. I guess she figured it was a child-phase but as I grew up, Mickey got more and more attractive.
He was always super caring with me and although we barely saw each other (maybe twice a year) he'd look after me and involve me in conversation.
Unfortunately I was always the youngest so I got teased the most but I think Mickey only joined in with the jokes.
Around the time I was 12 I used to sit on his lap - at this point he started dating and was 16.
We were at the cottage together and he saw I was bleeding. He followed me to the cottage to tend to my wound, he was gentle and tender.
It probably would have felt like a movie had I been older. The glare of the fire reaching the depths of the cottage and we're looking into each other's eyes.
Only, we didn't kiss.
Then around the time I was 16, he started dating a girl. He'd bring up small things like "did you know my girlfriend got me this?" Or "I think I'm going to break up with her soon."
They were pretty irrelevant and random now that I think about it.
I'm not too sure if he was aware of my feelings and was trying to tell me to go away or he was hinting at something else.
I remember telling him when I was 17 that I hadn't had my first kiss and he seemed like he didn't care but said it was good that I didn't.
And then when we went fishing, I boldly grabbed his hand and said mine were cold and he let me hold onto them for a while.
I only got to see him or talk to him when we had family events though.
There were moments he'd talk to me saying, "I like girls with less makeup," or "I like you with short hair" and just all these things and I didn't know what to do.
He would run to my rescue if I needed him to and he knows all my secrets but I know none of his.
Annd now I'm 20 and he finally broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years and I feel like we're more distant. (It actually hurts)
Maybe it's because I allowed my depression to change me but he won't even let me touch him anymore.
I do all the things he doesn't approve of - not that I really do them anymore. He's against smoking and drugs.
I still smoke in terms of stressful work days but I stopped being a stoner a long time a go (not that he knows that).
It's like he's unhappy with who I am now but at the same time he misses me.
We went for dinner the other day and he sat across from me and it felt like we were on a date. He'd talk to me and joke around.
At some point we talked about an online game and he suddenly seemed hesitant. He mentioned how his friends all had it on PC and so he probably wouldn't get it on console.
I didn't ask him to but it felt like he wanted to get it on console to play with me.
And when we went get in the car, his brother asked him to sit in the front but it seemed like he wanted to sit in the back with me.

I don't know what to do. I don't want to do anything that might make the family awkward - especially with how family-oriented he is.
I also don't know what to think. I've felt this way for so long and I'm so tired of not getting anything out of it.
I've asked him what would happen if we weren't cousins and he dodged the answer by saying "we probably would have never met"
and I'm just so confused. If he likes me how would I even begin to hint or get him to make the first move?
I don't want to blindly walk into this and then I get isolated because my ideals aren't equivalent to theirs.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

It seems like you're trying to make something out of nothing.  I don't see anything in your interactions that would indicate that he has an interest in you.  

My real advice is to deal with your depression.  Perhaps getting that under control will help you to open your horizons to other romantic possibilities,  Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help, it's a common medical problem.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
18 minutes ago, Serendipity said:

It seems like you're trying to make something out of nothing.  I don't see anything in your interactions that would indicate that he has an interest in you.  

My real advice is to deal with your depression.  Perhaps getting that under control will help you to open your horizons to other romantic possibilities,  Don't be afraid or embarrassed to seek help, it's a common medical problem.

Honestly, I can't really explain it.

(Though I decided to really try remember what else I had in my old post rather than just skim through the vague memories I threw in my upper post.)
So he took me out one day and we were talking and he was giving me advice and showing me all his secrets.
And he paid for my bill (doesn't mean anything I just found it surprising because I expected to pay for myself LOL)
But we were talking about school and what I was planning for the future and he suddenly said to me "I'm going to break up with my girlfriend".
To be honest that night is a slight blur because it happened a year ago so I can't really tell you for sure what happened.
But he used to like touching me or teasing me by puckering his lips like, "kiss me" or "come on, I want a kiss".
I was 14 at the time so I think he didn't think I'd notice. It was kind of a thing between us. None of his brothers or my other cousins would dare.
To be frank, they'd be like "ew, don't touch me. You might have cooties" because I'm kind of the baby in the family.
Honestly, he was also a lot more attentive to my needs - for example if I was hurt or I needed something, even if he was busy he'd run to my rescue.
(This could be the family-oriented side of him, yes I know.)
And everytime I would come over, all the other cousins would ignore me but he'd come up to me and be like "I want a hug and a kiss"
Or he'd say "why don't you ever hug me anymore?"
Even now, sometimes he'll get sad if I don't hug him - which I find a little ridiculous because we're not children anymore.
There's just... A way he looks at me too. When I'm near him, he'll take glances at me (I pay a lot of attention although I act pretty cold to him at times)
And there are times I'm in a separate room, let's say the washroom and he's next door. He'll instantly ask where I am.
Honestly, the night we went out for dinner I flirted a little by unzipping and taking off his clothes but he kind of just watched me.
I felt so flustered I turned away.
I think I also wrote something else in my old post about this one time we went on a family event and we were on a ski-doo alone.
He kept trying to scare me. Or the one time we were holding onto my other cousin, he rested his chin on my shoulder and held me around my waist
(this part, I can understand if I'm over-thinking but honestly... I used to think cousins like to stay physically distant with their cousins.)
Mickey also LOVES to bring up his ideals in relationships. I don't know what about it but I remember we were swimming one day
I can't quite remember the beginning of the conversation but I remember him bring up his other girlfriend (he's had a lot)
And he'd say, "I like a girl like you because you understand not being clingy and stuff".
I felt my heart skip a beat. MAN THIS FEELS LIKE I'M JUST TALKING ABOUT MY UNREQUITED LOVE

I shall finish here. But these are some of the events I try to erase from my memory because I'll begin overthinking again LOL
My depression has simmered down quite a bit since I started going out with Mickey every-so-often and he LOVES to get me drunk.
I also met some pretty good friends - but that's besides the point.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I FORGOT TO MENTION SOMETHING

I don't actually know if this is worth mentioning but he's met one boyfriend I've had and knows about the existence of the other.
He talked a lot of holy crapoly! about them and said he didn't like them. He also gets really quiet if I'm talking to another girl about a boy I'm interested in.
Or if I'm on the phone with a guy, he'll pretend he's my boyfriend and talk loudly so the other person on the phone will hear it.
He says dumb stuff like "Baby! Get off the phone!" or "Come here and kiss me!"
I used to get super embarrassed by him.
(I only remembered this because I just got off the phone with him LOL)

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

You keep telling us things that he says or does that frankly seem meaningless to me, but you are injecting all kinds of meanings into them.  It seems like you are trying hard to find some nugget that suggests he wants to be in a relationship with you.  But I just don't see it.  

Look, he is not  the solution to your depression; no man ever is.  And no guy can get you drunk; you consume the beverages yourself.  

You either need to step up to the plate like you would any other guy you are interested in or back off and start pursuing other interests.  When he's teased you with saying "Come over here and kiss me", why have you never taken him up on the offer?   

There is no way for any of us to know if he likes you or not based upon the information you've given.  I could say that there is a possibility that he finds you attractive, but then again, he just may be a flirt.  YOU are the key to knowing if the attraction is a two way street.  Are you going to take a chance?  Or are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering "What if....?".  

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I never said he was the solution to my depression.
I said my depression simmered down after meeting new friends and going out with him because I just really like being around my family.
That's the type of person I am.
I'd skip out on a date with a hot guy if I were to spend some good quality family time with everyone.

The main reason I decided to even add in the moments is because I thought it was worth mentioning because normally none of my other cousins would act that way

I was 12, I thought it was a joke.

But if you don't think he's interested in me than thank you for your opinion.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Quote

My depression has simmered down quite a bit since I started going out with Mickey every-so-often and he LOVES to get me drunk

Your words m'dear not mine.  

Perhaps part of the problem with deciphering your post is not knowing when something happened last year, last week or when you were 12 years old.

What I said was that there was no way to tell if he likes you based on the information you've given us.  I also said that the ball was in your court.  Are you going to run with it or are you going to spend the rest of your life wondering "What if,,,"?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

"My depression has simmered down quite a bit since I started going out with Mickey every-so-often and he LOVES to get me drunk.
I also met some pretty good friends - but that's besides the point. "

I see you also disregarded the friends part.
But that's besides the point.

Sorry, it happened a long time ago - I do sometimes look back and say "damn it, I should have done it"
Regrets.

But I might just ask him to hang out more often, he's really busy at school so it's hard to find time with him.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I didn't disregard anything.  I didn't realize the two were tied together due to the way the sentence was structured; You didn't say "Since I've started going out with him and meeting other friends my depression has simmered down."  You said that the depression has simmered down since you started going out with him. And you've started meeting other friends; something you said was beside the point.

But enough over syntax and grammar.

If you ever get the nerve to test the waters with him let us know.  We really are here to help you navigate those murky waters.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

That's the thing, I have no idea where to begin because there are so many outcomes.

1. He likes me but doesn't want to act on it.
2. He doesn't like me
3. He likes me but wants me to make the first move
4. He likes me and... he's waiting for the right moment I guess?

There can be 2 ways that will completely make my family awkward and my close relationship with him awkward.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Is it trickier because you're cousins?  Perhaps a little.  But what you've listed  are the options we all face with any person we are attracted to. 

I've gotta sign off for the night.  Hubby just came home from work and I haven't seen him much in the past 48 hours.  Good night.  

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Yeah, it is.
He's also very close to his dad so at the same time I wouldn't want to jeopardize that relationship you know?
He really loves his parents and he's very close to his brothers. I just feel like if worse comes to worse, he'll have the ability to block me out
But I can't do that because I've been admiring him for so long.

No worries, hope you have fun. Good night.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

here's my thing. you seem to feel like you're getting mixed signals from the guy. from what i can read, i'm not really seeing any signals. i'm just seeing a lot of hopeful expectations on your part.

you say he LOVES to get you drunk. well herein lies the problem. you are getting intoxicated. it muddles your emotions, plays games with your head, and confuses the issue more than ever. plus he is likely being quite entertained by your drunken state. quite a turn-on for a guy. one of these days you're going to get even more confused because he's going to take you right into his arms and into his bed, and YOU are going to think it means something... but to him, it is likely to mean only that he decided to take advantage of what is ripe for the picking.

oh, and back to your disagreement with serendipity over syntax and all that jazz... you yourself said it twice, and nobody misunderstood. here are the quotes.

On 9/6/2016 at 1:27 AM, Guest idontknowwhattodo said:

At some point I started getting very severe depression and my cousin (Let's call him Mickey) would text me and call me and talk me out of it.

 

On 9/7/2016 at 7:16 PM, Guest idontknowwhattodo said:

My depression has simmered down quite a bit since I started going out with Mickey every-so-often and he LOVES to get me drunk.

you mentioned friends, and the fact that they are irrelevant to the equation, in the following sentence.

 

On 9/7/2016 at 9:08 PM, Guest idontknowwhattodo said:

I also met some pretty good friends - but that's besides the point. "

 

i'm not pointing this out to be contentious or judgemental. i'm just pointing out that YOU are the one that said it, so don't go getting all upset with serendipity over it. it's all on you.

On 9/7/2016 at 9:45 PM, Guest idontknowwhattodo said:

1. He likes me but doesn't want to act on it.
2. He doesn't like me
3. He likes me but wants me to make the first move
4. He likes me and... he's waiting for the right moment I guess?

i think he's having fun... at your expense. i think you should accept his friendship at face value and quit getting your hopes up for something romantic.

1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I wasn't getting upset. The reason why I said the friends was besides the point is because it's quite irrelevant for the topic of this entire website.
(In fact, the only reason the depression was relevant is because he always calls me - but other than that, that's pretty irrelevant itself).
If it seemed like I was angry - by all means I apologize. The internet doesn't send emotions as well as voices and facial expressions.
I understand that her point was the way I had worded it seemed like it wasn't related and I didn't deny that fact.

I'm not really hoping for anything romantic more so than just getting closer to him.
It sounds a bit contradictory but the main issue is that he always ends up teasing me.
He loves getting me drunk as in, we're a very alcoholic family so whenever we're alone, he'll continuously pour me shots.
Again - yes it's my decision. I don't mind being drunk, it's fun being drunk with my family - I have a lot of stories I could share about my drunken family
But again, in this conversation it's not really relevant to the topic of this site.

I like him - yes. But I do not expect anything long-term from it. I just want it to stop being at the position it's in.
Does that make any sense? I rather him treat me like a regular cousin or something happen and I can leave it be rather than muddled in my own emotions.

Excuse me if my previous posts - or even this post seems quite rude, I really don't mean to make it sound that way.

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I'm just the type of person who wants just something and then I can move on rather than being stuck and confused.
Consider it a type of 'closure'.

I like to say it again for the sake of it maybe being unclear.

I am sorry to Serendipity for the way my wording may have seemed. I just wanted to point out my friends were also part of helping me feel less self-hatred because no man should be the reason of depression or happiness.
They can be your support and open your eyes but - as she said " he is not  the solution to your depression; no man ever is."

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

ok i'm transporting myself back to a time when i was in my 20s and trying to understand what it is you are not saying you want.... so if i get it wrong, forgive me. but this was exactly what my frame of mind was back then, and it sounds like what you're describing.

8 hours ago, Guest idontknowwhattodo said:

I'm just the type of person who wants just something and then I can move on rather than being stuck and confused.
Consider it a type of 'closure'.

are you saying that if you're gonna end up having sex you'd like to get on with it so you can put it behind ya and forget about him?

0

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Your content will need to be approved by a moderator

Guest
You are commenting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   You have pasted content with formatting.   Remove formatting

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

Sign in to follow this  
Followers 0