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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Meadows

My Cousin Life In A Big Nutshell... Sorry...

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Hey, I'm a male approaching the age of 16 and I've been what feels like in love with my cousin (female also approaching the age of 16) for as long as I remember. 

So I posted on this site on New Years I believe (2016 for future readers) on a separate account, but I forgot what is was, so I'm just gonna restate what was in that post into here and ramble on about facts that probably don't matter to the overall issue. Anyways, I mainly talked about how I used to see my cousin all the time, but then it dropped to 4-5 times a year. Fortunately, it's once a month now. Once we both went into puberty - which mainly hit around 7th grade - we stopped talking to each other as frequently until we just didn't talk at all. Once our entire family (on my mom's side) decided to have weird get togethers every month earlier this year, my cousin and I started talking more frequently unless my other cousins (my mom's brother's kids, my cousin crush is my mom's sister's daughter) are around - because they kill the mood and are really awkward and weird. I'm basically saying I can't speak to her unless we're alone.

One time when we were walking to her house from the get-together thing, I brought up the fact that we never spend anytime together like we did years ago. She agreed and we exchanged numbers (I never got it before because I think it's awkward to randomly ask for people's numbers with no context). However, when I texted her if she wanted to do some stuff (whatever people do with their cousins in public), she didn't respond ever. The next time I saw her, I mentioned her not responding to my text in a joking manner, so she laughed. We went into this whole discussion on how since neither of us can drive legally ourselves, there was no point in doing anything because our parents were always too busy to drive us anywhere. (We live half an hour away from each other). I also found out from her that she just lays in bed all day because she has no transportation to go anywhere.

i also mentioned in my forgotten post about my cousin, her sister and my aunt making jokes about me being a "ladies man" every time I hugged my cousins. I don't know what they're trying to imply because I've never told anybody about my attraction to my cousin, so they can't possibly be referring to that to make fun of me. My aunt even said during last year's thanksgiving that my cousin and I would make a cute couple. Again, I've never told anybody about my feelings for her, so the only two reasons I can think of that she would ever make such a comment out of nowhere is: 1) My mom somehow found out through possible iCloud search history crap and told my aunt so she could tease me, or 2) My cousin has feelings for me and my aunt was teasing her. My cousin did go completely silent after my aunt made that comment and looked away from me entirely... So...

They're all just really confusing me because they're VERY religious, and the way they keep saying things like that doesn't really correspond to their religious following (Christianity, I don't know which branch... Just Christians). I, however, am not religious whatsoever even though my family has no idea about that. Although I recently found out my grandparents are step-brother and step-sister because their parents married after they did, and my parents are plausible distant cousins because of something they discovered on ancestry. So I'm not sure if asking my mom for her counsel would be good or bad, because she's partially strict in religion but laughs a lot when I make incest jokes about my grandparents, and her and my dad.

To top this whole cousin love off, I keep having uncontrollable dreams of my future daughter's childhood and teenage life. I wish I was joking about that, but no. I actually dream about the far future and having a daughter. But it doesn't stop there, of course. My hypothetical imaginary dream/nightmare daughter looks exactly like my cousin except with my hair color.

So after all of that, my question is this: How do I confront my cousin (and maybe even my strange aunt) about this without outright saying I'm in love with her? And is there a way to cure myself of my weird daughter dreams? And is there some other advice I could have regarding the extra information I gave? Thank you so much to anybody who bothered to read.

 

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Meadows,

I can't say exactly what your relatives intentions are when they say those comments about you. I do think you are reading too much into it, just let it go for now.

As for your cousin and your feelings for her, there really isn't much to do in terms of trying to conceal your feelings while confronting her about hers. You can try asking hypothetical questions to test the waters; ask her how she feels about cousins getting together. If she doesn't like the idea don't press the issue further and leave it at that. If you get the feeling she is ok with the idea go into more specifics, like asking her how she feels about you. Keep going from there until you get to admitting your feelings. If she rejects you don't worry. You are still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you.

As for your dreams about your hypothetical daughter, dreams have a weird way of telling us what's on our minds and this issue definitely is weighing heavily in yours. Telling your cousin how you feel may help you "control "them somewhat.

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Hey i read your post and my advice is if you have such strong feelings about her when you get old enough to drive and hang out with friends ask her to come along get to know her better that will help you judge how she is. Eventually make plans with her alone to do something you both have in common because so and so bailed on you. Once you both are alone and you are comfortable if you feel like she has dropped hints in the direction you feel confront her about it. Maybe not directly but bring up how your aunt says those things about you two. Or about the grandparents. If nothing comes of it and she shows that she isnt feeling you in the way you are her it may easy your wandering mind some. Possibly give you releif from constantly not knowing. 

And I agree with the post above about your dreams.  Its your subconscious weighing heavy on this dilemma.  I hope everything works out for you!

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On 9/10/2016 at 0:58 AM, Meadows said:

They're all just really confusing me because they're VERY religious, and the way they keep saying things like that doesn't really correspond to their religious following (

I don't really don't understand this point.  Does their Christianity prevent them from teasing you about dating?  From cousin marriages?  Neither of these things are prohibited in Christianity, so I'm really not seeing what your objection is.

That aside - you are waaaaayy overthinking things.

To confront your cousin implies a conflict - I don't think that's what you want.  Transportation is an issue for you, unless public transit is available, so dating one another could be difficult.  My advice is to simply start chatting with her - call, text - try to get to know her.  Then maybe once you have established some kind of rapport and you have earned some way of getting around, the two of you can start doing things together.  But seriously, you need to relax dude.

As for the dreams, once you are not thinking of your cousin so much, those dreams will go away.

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