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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Rosy

Worried that I am going to lose him

7 posts in this topic

I am in love with my 1st cousin son.. We from south africa. I am 37 and his 35 years. We love each other. Our love is beautiful..we have a deep connection.we had planned to keep the relationship to ourselves this year and tell them next year. His sister knows and she fine with us as she can how much we love each other. Problem is my boyfriend loves and respect his mom and doesn't want to disappoint her.he is a real mommy boy.he tried to ask questions regarding cousins that date  but not saying it was him but a friend that was going through this.  Her reply was families will never accept and the kids will be abnormal and I think that scarred him as he said she really had strong feelings against such relationships. Worse his mom has been wanting to meet his girl friend not knowing its me her own cousin..he can't handle the pressure at all and we want to come out and tell them but we scarred more him than me.worse our relationship is a long distance but we see each other every 3nd month. All this pressure from his mom will cause him to find another girl that won't come with all this drama bcoz she has been saying he needs to settle down now. I feel his stuck between his love for me and love for his mom and I feel guilty knowing am the one she wants to meet. I don't know what to do. As I don't want to be the cause of breaking up the mom and son bond they have but I also don't want to lose him and what we share as we feel its worth fighting for. I can see its really affecting him. I can see this will really affect our families badly but we have hope that if they see how much we love each other it will be okay with time.. Please help with advise

 

Edited by Rosy
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Rosy,

It would help to know how old the two of you are, where you are from, and if the two of you are financially independent. It may affect the type of advice readers give you.

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I am 37 and his 35 years and we both financially independent.we leave in south africa

Edited by Rosy
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Oops I failed to reread the first part of your post. I blame sleep deprivation and new motherhood. Sorry!

I understand what you are going through as my husband and I are currently going through the aftermath of the worst case scenario in this situation. My husband told his mother about me and our son and she did not take it well at all. We are just staying strong for our son and taking refuge in each other.

I'm not sure what the laws are regarding cousin marriages in South Africa or how your culture is like, but it seems like you guys come from a conservative family. If your cousin really loves you he will stand his ground and stay by you. Show your cousin this site and gather all evidence from both sides of the argument regarding cousin relationships before telling your families. If they don't take it well at all at least the both of you are able to move somewhere far to get away from the negativity. The both of you will just have to get over it and take refuge in each other. Tell each other how much you love each other and how the battle you are fighting together is worth the pain of family disapproval.

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On 9/13/2016 at 8:46 AM, Rosy said:

 

On 9/13/2016 at 8:46 AM, Rosy said:

I am in love with my 1st cousin son

On 9/13/2016 at 8:46 AM, Rosy said:

Worse his mom has been wanting to meet his girl friend not knowing its me her own cousin.

I'm trying to get your relationship straight.

Are you dating your first cousin's son?  That would make him your first cousin once removed and his mom would be your first cousin.

I have no idea about the laws in South Africa, but my suspicion is there are no legal barriers to marrying your first cousin once removed.  As far as getting him to stand up for your relationship:  If he's unwilling to make you a priority, then you may not want to continue this relationship. You say you have a deep and beautiful relationship, but his unwillingness to stand up for your relationship does not speak to that.  I don't understand why it matters if you tell the families now or next year.  And you may be getting a preview into how things will go next year, if you ever really get around to telling anyone.  If he is such a mama's boy that he won't live his own life and choose for himself who he wants to love, then it's better to find that out now.  

Let me be clear on this point - YOU will not be responsible for breaking up the mother/son bond - that responsibility belongs to them alone.  

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30-something is far too old to be a mama's boy. if you want to raise a child, get a younger one!

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