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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest befuddledcousin

Confusion

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I would like to begin with some history so you can understand the situation.  My cousin and I are young. I am a few years older. He is 17 and I am 19 but we are very close now. This is a recent thing that has occurred between us. He lives two states away so we only see each other on the holidays and during the summer every few years. He came to visit this last summer and we became closer. This is not unusual for me because I am quite close to many of my cousins. He is my first cousin on my father's side. Well anyways, we became close and hung out. I thought nothing of it. Then he left. It felt like too short of a visit. Before then, we never really talked and when we texted or talked it was brief.  Just light how do you do's.

After he left, we began talking a lot via text. I began to see his attachment to me so I would ignore him every so often. I am a logical person and so I believed this attachment to me was because he didn't get a lot of people showing kindness to him back home. But then we started talking on the Xbox and his friends started to enjoy me. They all began crushing on me and even though my cousin hid it well, he became jealous. I told him this was not a normal cousin relationship but he said who cares if it was normal. He said it was normal for us.

Since then, we grew even closer. We joked and being together and being together forever (not in a couple sense). He wants to move to my state and get a place together after he graduates. We have even promised each other that we are each others' and no one else's.

Now to the confusing part. We have discussed and joked about dating but we both agreed we did not see each other in that sort of sexual way. We both are confused and we both have all these emotions for each other. We have decided to not talk for a few weeks to clear our head. Personally, I don't think anything will be resolved until we see each other face to face. We haven't seen each other face to face since our relationship developed into what it is presently. But the confusion is killing me. I am a sure person and very logical so I normally think realistically about these things but with him, my mind is in disarray. I have never kept a journal but now I do to bring some tranquility to this chaotic mess. I have nearly written 50 pages and I started merely on Sept. 7 of this year. I am confused and I don't believe two weeks of no talking will bring any clarity to this blurry mind. I do hope he finds some clarity, maybe it will help me!

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Once upon a time, when I was 19 and my cousin was 17, we had very similar feelings and conversations (almost exactly as you described). Well, that was just over 20 years ago. We'll celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary in a couple months. :-)

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My cousin and I both agreed we weren't falling in love with each other. But I did admit, (since I have been a serious relationship before) that it felt like I was falling in love, that these were the signs but that I am not falling because I don't see him like that sexually. We both have described, the best we could, our emotions for each other and we find them very confusing. 

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Far be it from me to advocate marriage for its own sake but as a point of order, I'd say that honestly, the best marriages are based on the kind of situation you describe quite apart from anything sexual. When marriages started being based on sexually charged "dating" rather than relationship-based "courting", the divorce rate shot through the roof. I don't have to wonder why.

In any case, for the two of you, I'd aside to just focus on the strong bond of friendship and trust you appear to have. Who needs dating, boyfriends, girlfriends, or all of the heartache those involve when you already have what any other couple would kill for? You're best friends, trusted confidants, and also happen to be cousins who don't base your life decisions on sexual urges. Run with that.

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I?ve had other relationships, but what separates true love is that unusual feeling of happiness. Just being happy seeing her, being with her. The unconditional love. You want to give everything to her, yes, even my life, my whole life I would devote to her. It?s when you tell yourself to take care of her and love her with each of your breathing moment. This is the only relationship where the feeling of being loved by the person you love the most, outweighs the urge for bodily pleasures. Blessed are us who get to experience and live that. We may all have our shortcomings but being able to face them and the world together is what makes this life worth living.  :grin:

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Thank you all for your advice. I am going to take these weeks to think hard about it and then see what my cousin has concluded. And to add to the post about unconditional love, I do believe my cousin and I have achieved such. I am a guarded person and so I don't open my heart up to many people. Yet I promised him that I was his and he promised me the same thing. We would do anything for each other and we both have told each other that we could spend forever together just the two of us and be perfectly happy. Maybe we should focus on that. But we will see when we have both contemplated over this and come to a conclusion.

I am very grateful for this website! Thanks again!

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