In a relationship with cousin and he cheated

[Guest Carebear]

Hi guys,

I really need some advice or just to tell someone, I'm in a relationship with my cousin for the last 11 years, we have had a lot of struggles and the first few years we were on & off because we were both scared to let people know, we decided about 6 years ago we were going to live our lives and not worry about everyone else all the time so we decided to make a go of it.

We now have 3 children who are the light of our lives but this relationship has resulted in us losing our families, our siblings & parents still kind of talk to us but we are not close anymore and the rest of the family ignores us, our children dont no them as they have said horrible things about them so we both decided not to put our children in a position where they would be told horrible things or made feel bad..

I have just discovered he cheated on me & slept with someone else while I was pregnant and its killing me,  I feel like i have lost my family to be with him & I'm stuck in this horrible nightmare, if I leave him I have no one because apart from a few friends we have cut everyone else off so its just him & children and I don't know what to do.

When we decided to make a go off it we moved to a new town so we could start fresh but it's like I live 2 lives, when new friends ask about where I grew up / family etc I'm always very vague as I'm afraid someone will know them & kids will be told. 

I'm always panicked about it all & we were supposed to move to another country but now after finding out that he has cheated im so confused about it all and not sure it would be the right thing for me but the way we are living is not right for our kids.

Any advice would be welcome as I'm feeling so low and can't talk to anyone

[LadyC 196]

i'm so sorry this has happened to you! i'm surprised your family still keeps you at arms length after all these years. that's really unusual. the children really should be allowed to know their family. have you considered giving them a probationary period? let them know that the first time you hear that they've said anything negative around the kids or to them, that you'll be out of their lives again? they may be staying away out of respect for your wishes, but hoping to reconcile.

as for the husband cheating, that's a tougher one. marriages can survive something like this, but it takes a big commitment on both parts... even on yours, because you'd have to commit to trusting your heart with him again and not throwing his past mistakes in his face. how long ago was the adultery? and how long did it last? was it a one night thing that he deeply regrets? or was he in a relationship that lasted a while? that would probably be harder to let go of.

i think to make this work, if you are even willing, it is going to take some marital counseling, both together and separately. i would strongly recommend a christian counselor or even counseling with a pastor if you two belong to a church. i wish i could be of further help!

[KC 93]

I think there are two types of cheaters. One where two people end up getting too close, maybe a boss and secretary. The other kind is the serial cheater, who aren't good for anything except everlasting torment. You have to decide which one your cuz is!

I can feel your pain and I'm very sorry you have to go through this. My personal opinion is that you should give the person another chance. One -- and that is it. You should make that crystal clear to him. You can get past this. A lot of marriages last so long, not because they had a perfect marriage, match made in heaven. They lasted so long because they stayed together even when things were unbearably difficult.

It helps to talk it out. So feel free to talk to us. We are here for you.

[LadyC 196]

34 minutes ago, KC said:

A lot of marriages last so long, not because they had a perfect marriage, match made in heaven. They lasted so long because they stayed together even when things were unbearably difficult.

i can testify to that! mark and i had our share of unbearably difficult years, but we stuck it out. and NOW i have the marriage i'd always dreamed of having!

[Guest Carebear]

Thank you all for your advice ,he had a one night stand with a girl he worked with, he was on work night out & said he had too much to drink & doesnt even remember asking her back to house he was staying in, I'm not sure I buy this if I'm honest, he dropped her home next day,came home & i never knew anything till 6 months later when I just had sudden gut feeling he was lying to me & kept on at him till he admit it, he told me 3 different stories before he admit what he did so I feel like i cant trust him again..

 

we did counselling for 5 weeks but I just feel like we are not getting anywhere & it feels like counsellor is blaming me. I went to counselling been honest & told him I wasn't sure if I even want this relationship anymore as I'm so hurt and that I keep changing my mind, but he just keeps telling me I'm playing games & my partner feels like he's on a rollercoaster because he doesn't know what to expect from me so I need to make a decision & stick to it so I'm not sure if I'm going to go back because of course I'm all over the place & not able to make a decision

 

He slept with someone else before, we split up for a few months before our 1st child was born and he slept with a girl frm work, he never told me & we got back together and then i found out but we had decided to give things a proper go & he left his job, told me he wanted us to be a proper family and we moved away so although hurt he had lied I let it go, he swears apart from those 2 things I no about he has never Doneed anything else but I'm so stuck because I can't see me trusting him again & im afraid to try again..

It's horrible because I feel like we are both living 2 lives, we both see our side of the family seperately, not very often but our uncle who he was very close to passed away recently & he went funeral but never mentioned our kids & it's like he has to pretend they don't exist around his family to stop any drama..

It's just all too much and I'm beginning to think none of it was worth it,  I'm considering endingoing the relationship so we can both have some kind of "normal " life again 

 

[KC 93]

Oh boy, it does sound like your relationship is in real trouble. It makes you wonder what the heck is wrong with people, huh? Don't they not know that when the pieces break, sometimes there is just no putting them back together? Unfortunately, I know about the trust issue. It is no small detail. It is essential in any relationship. Without it, the relationship is simply over.

So, there is your answer. You answered it yourself.

Some people sabotage their relationships and I am not even sure they know why they are doing it. But that is not for you to figure out. You have to have some piece of mind. You are just going to have to put an end to this abuse and leave. And yes, it is abuse, the same as if he had busted you square in the mouth. Trust is something that can take 40 years to build and and be shattered in a minute. It doesn't sound like you can rebuilt this essential ingredient for your relationship to ever work again.

FWI- you should have told the counselor to kiss your #$% and left immediately. I wish I had a penny for every quack counselor out there.

I have given you a lot to think about, so I will stop here. I wish I had a magic bullet or at least some good news for you. Be strong. You have some hard decisions to make.

[Guest Carbear]

Thank you kc

I know I should just walk away & the practical part of me says I need to but just isn't so easy with 3 kids & if i walk away I need to make sure we both do our very best to keep children out of ithe as much as possible.

Just some days I feel like i never want to see him again ( I know not possible ) but wishful thinking & then other days I am terrified of losing him & breaking up the only family my children have.

It's all such a mess and my head is spinning & heartbreaking trying to do the best thing for everyone 

[LadyC 196]

my daughter and her husband divorced after 7 years of marriage because of infidelity. hey, they both made mistakes... not just cheating, but leading up to the cheating. the distrust and hurt and feelings of betrayal are the reason they divorced.

and five days after the papers were final, they got back together. it has been 3 years. they've remarried. they had another child. they are HAPPY now. sometimes just making a clean break allows a couple to start over from scratch. they just celebrated their 11th anniversary... they don't count the year they spent separated. they both grew a lot during that year and it made them better spouses and better parents. and i know how dedicated they are to each other now, because for the last 3 months they've been living in my house.

it could happen to you

[Serendipity 91]

You have to take things one step at a time.  You're feeling isolated and betrayed and you just can't think straight right now.  

KC was right about your counselor - what a dipwad!  

You need some distance from your husband - he can go and crash with a friend or in a hotel or in his car for that matter.  But you need to be away from him for a time so your brain can start processing everything.  He has a habit of cheating on you and he did not honor your feelings during your counseling sessions - that's a big red flag IMHO.  But once you've had time to think clearly, you'll be able to make some good decisions.

I know the fear that you are facing; things seem impossible now. But these are the types of trials that make us stronger.  And as LadyC pointed out, sometimes marriages can be put back together - if you both are willing to work on it.  

[Guest Carebear]

Thank you so much for the reploestrogen,  can't talk to anyone so I am feeling very isolated 

He is sleeping on the sofa but we are not really talking much, I have distanced myself from him so I can have some time to think & right now i don't even miss him in fact I'm enjoying having some time to myself to process it all.

I asked him to move out and he won't, he tried to make it all about him & how he's losing everything & his job sucks so he's miserable and told me he wasn't willing to lose me so I'm stuck with him.

 I feel like my feelings for him have went from been 100% sure I wanted to make us work to not giving a Damn about any of it anymore it's all just got to much for me but I'm not sure if it's part of.the anger process about knowing he cheated or if i'm really done  ( if that makes sense )

I've gone from constant upset to angry and thinking we would be better off finishing because I can't trust him anymore.

I'm so worried for our children though, I keep thinking they only have us, our family dont bother with them and now if we seperate they will have be the ones affected the most, it's all such a mess but I'm not sure if it's enough reason to stay with him

11 years together and this is first time I've seriously regretted it & losing everyone, but then we made that decision so it's my fault too

[LadyC 196]

ya know, the opposite of love is not hatred. the opposite of love is indifference. once you reach that phase, it's far more difficult to repair a relationship. and his 'i'm not leaving, it's all about me, you're stuck" attitude is not really one i'd be able to continue living with.

maybe it's time... yes, divorce sucks and it's not fair for kids go grow up without both parents, but sometimes that might be better than them growing to think that this is healthy and normal, and repeating the cycle.

[Serendipity 91]

Look, the kids will most likely be OK.  Is divorce difficult for them?  Yep.  But not much harder than seeing dad sleeping on the couch and mom and dad not talking to each other.I'm not saying to jump into a divorce, but personally speaking I stayed in a terrible marriage much too long "because of the kids".  

And OMG, file for legal separation and kick his arse to the curb.  You are not stuck with him.  This ain't the Victorian Age.  If he is willing to work on the relationship, then you can consider repairing the relationship - while you are separated.  But if he is going to blame you and make you feel guity, hells bells NO.  

Give your family another try, they may be more willing to have you in their lives than you may think.  And for the love of all that's good, don't keep living in shame over your cousin relationship.You've been with this man for 11 years and have beautiful children together - there is no shame in that.  

[Guest Carbear]

Thanks ladies, your advice and letting me get it all out has been such a help. .

 I reached out to my family and was more or less told you've made your bed & got what you deserve by my sis & mom. They are very old fashioned and just can't accept the choices I've made so I won't try again and it's there loss.

I have decided I've had enough though and asked him to leave again last night and have decided if he refuses to leave i will, it may take me a few months to organise moving but I'm kind of thinking about fresh start may be good for all of us.

Only thing worries me is that it will very so many changes for children with us breaking up / moving etc but I'm hoping if i start figuring things out, find somewhere to rent etc but wait till after Xmas to actually move it will be easier for them and i can ease them into it so  hopefully it isn't too hard on them..

 

[LadyC 196]

it will be hard on them no matter how you do it. but as humans, we're very adaptable. even kids. they'll have it bad because they will feel like they have no control over their lives. it'll be hard on you because they will blame you. and they'll parrot every mean thing their father says about you. been there, done that. just try to be the bigger person and not talk bad about HIM to them. eventually when they're adults, hindsight will show them very clearly who was the better person.