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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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sk8erdude

My brother needs help

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OK my brother is too shy to come on here and ask for the help he needs, so I'm doing it for him. He has a bit of a crush on our first cousin once removed. He wants to know the best way to woo her. My brother has reputation around our hometown of being a bit of a player. He has never had any issues talking to girls before however this situation is vastly different from any he has been in. He doesn't know how to approach her (spit game as he puts it) without it looking like all he wants is a piece of a**. What is his best course of action here? Thanks in advance for the advice.

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Tell him games are out.  Spit game has one purpose - to get a girl into bed.  If he wants a real relationship with someone, he needs to learn to be a gentleman, show genuine concern for topics that interests her and he has to take things slowly.

Hearing from him directly would be most advantageous, but tell him to at least read these posts himself  :cheesy:

To approach her, he should CALL her (not text) and ask her out for a simple date:  dinner and a movie, coffee at the cafe, bowling, etc. Then be a gentleman to her (open doors for her, help her out of the car, pay for the date, let her go first in line, etc) .  If they hit it off, he can ask her out again.  He should not try to make a move on her for several dates.  And by a move, I'm talking about kissing passionately and making out  (a simple kiss good night is OK if they really hit it off after the 2nd date), but he should do nothing that indicates he is only interested in getting her to bed.  Sexual intimacy should not even be discussed until the two of them are ready to be monogamous with each other. 

It's interesting that you use the word "woo" to describe how he would like to proceed.  Wooing implies an old-fashioned approach to dating; it's putting aside his playa reputation and putting the woman's needs and wants ahead of his own.  He may not have any trouble talking to girls in your hometown - but how is he at listening to them?  Women love to talk and we love to know that we are being heard! He must realize that there is no guarantee that she will return his affection - and he must be OK with that. 

Whatever your brother is currently doing, I bet if he does the opposite, he will be on the right track.  Is there a father, uncle, pastor, or some other older man in your lives that he could ask dating advice from? Even your mom or an aunt may give you sone good advice!  He may get some great insights from people around you.

Good luck - and congratulations on wanting to approach this relationship like a man of integrity.  You just may impress her!

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We have our father and our uncle, however both are bigger players then my brother is. Our dad is on his 4Th marriage cause he has issues being faithful, while our uncle is on his 3rd for the same reason. So not the best to go to in this situation. I've tried my best to give him advice but I'm in a bit of a bind myself so I'm not confident enough to offer great advice on this situation. I'm not sure of his listening ability when it comes to women. He does a good job when I confide in him, but outside of that I'm not sure. I will have him get on in the morning to read these. He was still torn about the whole trying to woo your cousin thing. However he was willing enough to get on and check out the site which changed his mind about it after seeing some of the facts presented. @lightning Luckily he has been a huge supporter my current relationship with our cousin. Now he is in the same boat.

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sk8erdude Bro,

If you aren't willing to go all in, be faithful, and not be a player on her, then leave her alone. If you get involved with her, and copy the behavior of your Father and Uncle, you risk a LOT  of drama in the family, which would most likely spill over into sk8erdude's relationship. That may not be fair, but, I see family doing it anyhow. Take the time to set down and REALLY think over what it is you want out of this 1C1R of yours. Do you see her as a potential lifetime mate? If so, proceed with all due caution, as you would any other relationship you  would consider that way. If you don't see her as your lifelong companion, then walk away before you open up a can you can't put the lid back on.

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