恋しいのうめ

Getting Divorced

12 posts in this topic

My cousin got a chance to properly speak with his mother about our marriage and son. She continues to blame me for everything that happened (ruining lives, families, etc. I don't blame her since both me and my cousin are responsible for ruining our family.) and she thinks I'm evil. She badmouthed me to my cousin and she hoped we didn't give our son his last name (we did). She now looks at babies with sadness instead of joy. Her solution is for us to get a divorce, change our son's last name to my maiden name, leave me and our son, and move on with his life. All to save her reputation within our family and his.

So we're doing exactly that. We're getting a divorce to put her at peace (we're not changing our son's name though). Filial piety and reputation are very important in the Filipino culture so we are preserving those things for her. We hope this will partially stop the nasty chain of events that have been happening (my son and I were in an accident a few days ago, my car was totalled but we are both alright) because we hurt her. We hope with this move she will be somewhat happy. My cousin will give her a copy of the divorce papers and walk out of her life forever.

We're only doing this to prove a point and to preserve her sanity. Our relationship is not truly over though. We'll make it so we look like we're truly divorced by living in separate places after the lease ends on our current place and him visiting us from time ro time. As long as we live near our family we have to look like we are. However, we're both going to save up so we can move further up north and get remarried (hopefully an actual one instead of a courthouse ceremony) in a year. At that point we'll give our family the middle finger and leave.

Even though we have a solid plan I just hate that it involves us getting a divorce. I hate that our son won't be able to see his father everyday at such a young age, even if it's only temporary.  It kills me that I have to live as a single unwed mother for a while to make his mother happy. I hate how we have to sacrifice our happiness for tradition and cultural values. I know he hates it as much as I do, but we have been selfish so we have to make sacrifices.

I don't expect anyone to understand our reasons for doing this, even our friends don't fully understand it. I don't want anyone calling my cousin a mama's boy or not strong enough to handle a relationship with me. I just wanted to vent or maybe get some advice on the divorce process and living alone with an infant.

Edited by 恋しいのうめ
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oh plum, this has got to be the hardest decision you've ever made. i certainly wouldn’t have made it! my heart goes out to you... and your husband and child!

being a single mother, even if only for appearance, is not easy. but it can be done. it helps to have a strong support network. have you got that? i have to wonder about how your culture views divorce and unwed mothers and how your family is feeling about this. regardless, you are free to vent here any time you need to!

one more thing, plum.... i hope you really don't believe that hurting his mother is the reason you've had some unfortunate events. i promise you, your accident and anything else that may have happened is NOT karma biting you in the behind. it was just an accident... and God was watching over you and your son that day. i'm sorry your car got totalled. that really sucks... but it could have been so much worse. cars can be replaced. your lives are far more important and definitely irreplaceable! so look at it a different way and count your blessings :)

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Thanks LadyC, I appreciate the kind words. Definitely trying to stay positive by focusing on the temporary part of all this. We have a small group of friends that are supportive of us and our relationship. That's why they were upset when we told them we were getting divorced, even if it's temporary. I think I should be fine with them around.

Filipinos are very superstitious so hurting his mom was what we call busong for us. It's sort of like karma and my cousin definitely believes it. Me I'm just being cautious because of the accident. They also view divorce and having children out of wedlock as a bad thing also. Fortunately my parents don't know about any of this, I've been out of contact with them for 3 years. I've also separated myself from the family but my cousin hasn't yet. Once the divorce is final that's when he'll separate from the family, including his mom.

I'm just ready for the fresh start together when we move up north. I hope the time apart will pass quickly.

Edited by 恋しいのうめ
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If I may chime in, I would like to point out a few things. Don't take offense at anything please. I'm a straight shooter, and generally concise.

First, if you are a Christian, your mother-in-law's disapproval is not a valid reason to divorce. If you are not a Christian, then I would say that it is just a dumb idea to divorce in order to "walk out of someone's life." Hold your head up high and just walk out. That woman is poison and neither you nor your husband need her in your lives. You have already married your cousin which tells me that you have ALREADY MADE THE DECISION. So stick with it. You will never be able to satisfy her, no matter what you do.

Now you have your own family, incl children. It is time to be a family and do whatever it takes to preserve a healthy marriage. Your husband needs to grow some and be a man. He is acting like the biggest sissie I have ever hear of. It's his job to fight for his family and he is being a complete failure. He is a failure to you, your kids, and a failure to men everywhere.

I had a lot of trouble with family when I married my cousin too, but I had to tell people, in so many words, to go %$#$ off. It's time to stand up for yourselves and quit playing this sick game.

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I have to agree with KC.

Her solution is for you to divorce.  Her solution to what?  Her happiness?  You're going to divorce a man you love and keep him at an arm's length from his son all in the hopes that your mother-in-law will behave better?  Good luck with that.  

On 9/25/2016 at 10:23 AM, 恋しいのうめ said:

I don't expect anyone to understand our reasons for doing this, even our friends don't fully understand it

No one will understand this because it's not logical.  You're right in thinking that I don't understand all the cultural implications of your marriage, but that does not negate my opinion.  You don't want anyone to speak harshly about your husband, but the responsibility for all this drama lies squarely on his shoulders.  He has allowed his mother to speak badly about you and to interefere in your marriage, even to the point of being willing to divorce you because that is what she wants.  I may be completely off the mark here, only time will tell, but I would suspect that once you are divorced, you will stay that way.  Why does he need to divorce you in order to move away from his meddling mother or to tell her to mind her own business?  On what planet does it make sense to divorce someone in order to stand up for your marriage?

On 9/25/2016 at 10:23 AM, 恋しいのうめ said:

I know he hates it as much as I do, but we have been selfish so we have to make sacrifices

If marrying someone you love and raising a family together is selfish, then almost every human since the beginning of time is selfish.  You do not have to pay penace for your marriage.  You have done nothing to atone for.

My advice for being a single mom?  Don't do it.  If you are adamant about going through with this inane plan, then be prepared to cry yourself to sleep, to clean up poop and vomit all by yourself, to have a much diminished social life, to long for the very presence of the man you love, to have your son cry because his father is not there, and to try to figure out how you are going to take care of the bills, take care of yourself and how in the world you are going to ever put back the pieces of your relationship.  Trust me, you are going to resent your husband for putting you through this; it will not be easy to resume a life together.

I know I am souding harsh and that's because I want to scream at the very plan you have concocted.  If you were my friend, sitting at my kitchen table drinking coffee with me, I would take you by the shoulders and try to shake some sense into you.  And I would do it because I care.

 

 

 

 

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Serendipity and KC,

I understand the both of you don't mean to sound harsh and really do care. I appreciate the advice as well. Believe me, I agree that divorcing will only make our lives that much more difficult. Nothing is final yet and it was only just a plan. I just wanted to vent about it at the time.

My cousin is going to talk to his sister about the whole situation today hoping to gain an ally in her. I'm not sure how much better it will make the situation considering she tried to out us before. We will find a way through this somehow and I pray to God it doesn't involve divorce.

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If she has not been supportive in the past, why do you think she will be supporttive now?

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I honestly don't think she will be supportive but at the very least his mother will have someone to talk to about the situation. That is his aim for now until we decide what to do.

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Thank you for not taking offense! It's just that I feel my pending divorce ruined my life. I refer to my marriage as "my old life." Things are certainly different now. This is a new kind of normal. It's taken me a good year to get my bearings straight. I'm actually kinda liking the single life for now. So -- it really pains me to hear of someone divorcing for a frivolous reason. I mean if you were not a good cook or didn't know how to make grits, I could understand divorcing you in a New York minute. But to satisfy a mother-in-law? Are you kidding me? That woman has mental problems and you should not let her control your life. Do not give her one inch, and if the sister wants to write you guys off as well, so be it. I'm afraid that you two will never be happy until you rid yourselves of these vipers!

Once they realize that they can no longer control your lives, they will come around and cease the nonsense. This holds true most of the time. I wish you luck, but please do not divorce to please anyone. You are kidding yourself if you think a divorce is just a little bump in the road. Your family unit is important and precious. You do not throw that away for anybody in the world.

Good luck. I am praying for your family.

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Thanks KC!

His sister isn't supportive but she talked some sense into my husband so we're not divorcing. We are still moving up north in a few months so we don't run into our family anywhere and for my husband's schooling. She did say that we are cruel for involving his mother and having our son because he won't have grandparents or family like a normal child is entitled to have. But I'd rather have my son surrounded by people that love him than his blood related family that would scorn him. 

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You have no idea how happy your post makes me!  Today I am feeling like doodoo and will go back to bed in about an hour, but this was worth getting up for!

YOU are not the ones causing the rift in the family:  it's everyone else.  If they can promise to be well behaved and speak kindly to you then, hey, a happy family you can be.  By no means do I imagine that your situation and the decisions you are making wiill be easy.  But I do believe that once you and your husband have put some distance between yourselves and all this negativity, you will begin to be happy again.

Don't allow negative phone calls, texting or email from your family once you are moved,  The mother-in-law will still try to make you feel guilty once you are moved, but you must set some boundaries,  When naysayers see that we are not going to tolerate their bad behaviour, eventually the fun is ruined for them and they give up.  (At least most of the time),

Stay strong and be happy my friend.

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Thank you Serendipity! I'm glad I was able to make your day, hope yours gets better! :)

I doubt our families would be able to speak to us kindly, that's just the way they are. I don't keep in touch with my immediate family since we had a falling out, it's my husband's mother that I worry about. His sister can at least be civil but I don't think his mother will ever be understanding. She was hurt pretty bad by the news and the women in our family can definitely hold grudges. I'll leave communications with her to my husband.

I will have to stay strong for my family as my husband will be hurting from this for quite a while. I will definitely keep everyone's advice in mind.

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