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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Confused1

Need advice

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I have no clue where to start.  so here it is, brief encounter when I was 18 but sparks flew since we met as kids.  He is a cousin once removed.  fast forward, a romance kindled and wow, we have been in love for so long.  We thought we were being slick but a family member saw and now talk about a 180.  He is pulling away and doesn't know what to do.  I just want to see if there is a chance but the waiting is killing me.  he is unsure if it is wrong what we feel but most of all the family.  any thoughts?

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I think you should ask him if he wants to give this thing a try because if he's not then you guys should end it now before you get more feelings for him and then it would hurt a lot more. But before you tell him that, tell him not to be ashamed. Cousin couples is nothing to be ashamed of, it's natural. You can't help who you fall in love with, right? So show him this site and show him that plenty other people who are in the same situation. Tell him not to care what the family says because this is your lives, so you can live it anyway you want. Hopefully after showing him that you guys aren't alone he will not care what others think and continue this relationship with you. If not, then I seriously think you guys should just take a break because you're just going to end up getting hurt.

I hope everything works out like you want it to!

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Thanks for the advice.  He is so stuck that he is confused and doesn't know what he wants.  We both know the life we could have but I think he is afraid.  Afraid of what the family will say or think.  I've been thinking I need to walk away.

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Confused1,

Before you walk away, get him here and let me have a go at him. Life is short, and if you two have something so special, it behooves him to fight for it. Others get THEIR life to live, not theirs, AND, vicariously, YOURS TOO. I assume by the undertones of your post that he is probably somewhat older than you. How old are the two of you? I sense him being nervous because he perceives the consensus will be that he is "taking advantage of you." So long as YOU have not perceived the relationship that way, it is nobody elses' concern. Show him this thread, and my reply. Have him log in under your account, but put something like "Confused1 Him here, I'm nervous because of _________ ." I'll do my best to walk him through it.  :wink:

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Thanks. I'm trying to hold on but I'm not very patient when I know what I want.  We are only 3 years apart, he is 38.  We are far away but the plan is for him to visit in a few days but I think he is going to change his mind. The trip is his idea but I guess time will tell.

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Confused1,

Lord Child, you are 35, and he's 38? Time to do what you have to do for you two, to enjoy the rest of your lives. Send him a link to this site, and this thread. Folks have one of two choices to make over you two being in a loving relationship. They can get over it, or get under it when it rolls right on over them. If you two were teens, and still dependent on family, then, they would get a say in the matter. If either or both of you have minor children, provided it isn't CRIMINALLY illegal for the two of you to be together in either place, the ex's can get over themselves too. There isn't a damn thing they can do about it. They can blow off at the pie hole, as ex's are want to do, but actually DOING anything about it isn't going to happen. Ya gotta get him here. He needs to cowboy up and grab his happiness by the horns. I know I would shut down the drama as soon as it started. Cain't be skeered. Jump on in with both feet. You do NOT want to be in your 50's and think "Boy, if we had only had a little more nerve, we would be set right now." You don't realize it now, but the next 15 years are going to increasingly fly by, and you are going to wake up one morning and say "Damn, I'M 50? ALREADY? Where did the time go?" When that happens, you want to already long be established with the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. It doesn't always work out that way, as I full well know, having recently went through a divorce. But, that IS the goal none the less. If you have the chance to reach it, you had best take it while you can.

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Thanks again!! 

We have no kids and are both free.  Neither one of us has ever settled down and never planned on it but when we talked about if things were different (as in not family) marriage and kids was what we wanted together only.  I am at the point in my life where it's now or never for us.  Unfortunately, he is pulling away and I'm about to give up on him. Now that I think it's a real option and ok for us to be, he seems be closing himself.  I'm trying to give him the time he needs to figure out what he wants to do but it's making me realize he may not be strong enough to fight for us to be.  I made it clear that I would give him some time but I would never wait my life away.  He knows I could care less what people think if/when the time comes. 

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He is coming!! I'm so excited to see him.  Since no one really knows our situation where I live ie no family too close or at least not for 40 miles, my plan is to go to places where no one knows us. No friends just him and I.  So question, is that the best route to go?  Any advice in general would help actually, I would really appreciate it.  Was also thinking it would be a good idea to show him this site.

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I am really excited for you as well! Wow! Make the best of the time you have with him, have good times! Go for dinners out and stuff and just talk! I don't think you need a 'plan'. Just keep it real. :kiss:

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Great to hear! :)

Sounds like a good way to go to me, enjoy exploring new places together, getting to know each other and creating some memories.

Good luck!!

Lori :)

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I'm so glad that he's going to see you  :azn:

Like everyone else said, enjoy the time you have with him! And I would definitely show him this site when he's there with you. Show him that he has nothing to be ashamed about... there are plenty of other in the same situation as you guys. :cheesy:

Good luck  :smiley:

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Confused1,

I still say the first place you bring him is here...... :wink: Show him what I have posted. Have him PM me if he would like. Some folks think I give pretty decent advice on what to do, but I like to think I'm better at what NOT to do. There is a real possibility that if he should walk away at this point, it will be one of those "What not to do" moments......  :shocked:

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Thank you everyone who commented for the support!  My heart may be broken but I found comfort here. Best of luck to everyone!

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Hello all,

I'm really having a hard time with this.  How do you let go of someone you've love for 20+ years??  There is no one I can really talk to about this situation and it is not like he is just any guy. I can't even talk to him about how hard this is for me.  Any advice to help me get through this I would appreciate it.

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