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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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yoohoo

loosing someone you love

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My cousin and I dated for 12 years on and off. We were engaged to be married 2 times... and then it ended. He felt like he wasn't ready and we had differences. That was 4 years ago... and I haven't seen him since. He just let me know that he is engaged to be married to someone he has been dating for a while wince we broke up. I am happy that he found someone to love... but honestly I have been hurting over this every day since our relationship ended. I am trying to feel better about life and do new things and meet new people... but I feel like I have lost my greatest love. It is just too painful to go through this experience. I don't advise falling in love with a cousin because it is just really painful if it doesn't work out... and then you have to determine if you can ever see them face to face again. There is a part of me that says that I can never participate in family reunions again because I just don't want to see him again. It is way too painful to not be able to show him how I feel ... it is a lost love that can never be found again. 

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i'm so sorry for the pain you are going through! but this kind of situation isn't exclusive to cousins. it can happen to anybody, cousins or not. imagine something like this happening and it being someone you work with, or go to school with, or church with, or even live in the same town with. but you can't close yourself off from the possibility of love to avoid ever feeling the pain of losing someone. i hope that you'll be able to recover from this blow, and that you'll be able to heal emotionally.

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Thanks Lady C... I thought I was doing ok...but apparently not. Especially when I think of how in love they must be... and how I have missed out on having a life, a husband and a family with someone I love. I hope I can recover too... but it is hard to think that I spent many years believing we would always be together. I am going to be 42 this year... and I wish I could find love and have a family to share life with... but I may be too much of a mess to ever be whole. it is frustrating to think that I have done everything wrong. What was I thinking? Why did I think that he would love me for life? Anyway... I think it is just a matter of walking out of the door everyday and hoping to find happiness in other things. That is what I am going to try to do. but this really is not fun. I wish someone would have said to me long ago... don't date your cousin... he will only break your heart.

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again, saying "don't date your cousin" is not a very realistic statement. i'm not trying to harp on that, but you keep saying it! some cousin relationships work out GREAT! if i'd never dated mine, i wouldn't be happily married for 15 years now. but i remember feeling exactly like you do now after wasting several years thinking i would marry someone else... a fire fighter. what if i were to say "never date a fireman, he'll only break your heart"? see how limited that sounds? not everybody would have such a devastating experience as i had, and if someone were to take my advice they might be missing out on the best thing to ever happen to them.

i do hope that you will find a way to become whole again. God can restore you to that, ya know :)

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I'm so sorry you had to go through this. I know it hurts to see the love of your life with someone else but we can't control them. All we can do is learn from these type of experiences. I know you will find someone to love again! I believe that there is someone out there for everyone... well hopefully lol.  :laugh: But anyways don't let this define you... in order to move on we must first let go. Even though it's hard to let go of something that was so strong and amazing you need to let it/him go if you ever want to be happy again. Like LadyC said... not everyone's situation is the same. Some cousin couples make it through and others don't. But I must agree with you, it is hard when things don't quite work out with a cousin because it is never the same. You try to talk to them as just cousins again but it feels so awkward and forced. Seeing them would probably make it a whole lot worse. But I'm here to give you hope that you will be happy again, whether you think you will or not, every storm runs out of rain, right. You will find another man that would be scared to death at just the thought of losing you. You will find happiness again, you just have to keep faith!

Btw: If you ever need anyone to talk you can always talk to me, I'll be happy to listen  :smiley:  I know what you're going through and I know just how painful it can be.

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The process of realizing that your cousin doesn't love you is ruthless. After spending years together in a relationship - it hurts as much as ever to realize that the whole thing was a lie. It is one of those nights where I will drink wine cry and sleep my way through the agony.

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The process of realizing that your cousin doesn't love you is ruthless. After spending years together in a relationship - it hurts as much as ever to realize that the whole thing was a lie. It is one of those nights where I will drink wine cry and sleep my way through the agony.

So is the process of realizing your wife of14 years, who you have been with for 21 years, doesn't love you any more, and is going out of her way to be nasty, like an 8th grader who has just broke up with her boyfriend. But, I look at it this way, she is not posting anything to FB, or in badmouthing me to my friends, that she hasn't said repeatedly to me over the years when she was drunk. The ONLY problem I EVER had with her was her nasty "Jekyll & Hyde" attitude she has when she drinks too much. I begged, pleaded, cajoled, and threatened to leave for YEARS over it. In the end, SHE refused to change, and I refused to continue. So I'm the bad guy. OK, I'll be that guy. In her drunken eyes, I have been the whole time, so, it's really no news to me. My friends know the truth, and it only makes her look like a fool. I'm moving on. I hope you can find it in you to do the same. We can only try for so long. There comes a point, that as painful as it is, we HAVE to let it go......

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While LadyC is right where she says "but this kind of situation isn't exclusive to cousins. it can happen to anybody, cousins or not." I really do sympathise with you Yoohoo. When it is someone outside your family who you had a 12 year relationship and two engagements to, at least it's only 12 years and 1 relationship. I could just ditch someone I was engaged to for 12 years, I'd rather not put up with the discomfort of seeing them, and there would be no reason to see them anymore. But with a cousin? Part of me wants to ditch them, the other part wants them because they are my family member who I love because they are my family. And I don't want to miss out on going to family reunions and having a family.

Please be strong Yoohoo. I went through a similar situation but left it 2 years before I saw my cousin again, but oh boy am I glad I did. And 2 years was a good amount of time, I don't regret leaving it that long, I needed it, we both did. You said you haven't seen your cousin in 4 years. It's already been 4 years since it ended. You feel betrayed by him now, but it's been 4 years. Deep down you knew he would come back by now if he wanted to be with you again. I think you should make a big effort to let it go and see your cousin again and be happy for them and their new partner.

Hope said "You try to talk to them as just cousins again but it feels so awkward and forced." - You can get past that stage. It is EXTREMELY tough going through that stage, sure, been there myself. But nothing stays the same. Eventually you can get past that stage and you really can start seeing them as your cousin again.

Think of it like this, imagine being forced into a situation where you're sharing your dinner time with your cousin every day and this goes on for 20 years. No other time, just dinner time. You think it's going to still be awkward and forced 20 years later? No. It won't. Actually, a lot sooner than that you fall back into normality. And in fact your past history together becomes kind of a quirky thing, something that's cool, we went through that, we survived that and we repaired that - it feels incredibly satisfying.

"Spend time with those you love. One day you will either look back and say I'm glad I did or I wish I had."

Warmest wishes and sympathies to you. Stay strong.

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Thank you Happy Gratefully...I am just not there yet. for at least 2 of those 4 years I had anxiety about seeing my cousin again... I am over that... but only because now I fantasize about slipping away quietly before he could ever have an encounter with me again. It does still hurt and I am caught between those feelings and wanting to disappear completely- I think about living in another country sometimes and think it would help me to leave all of this behind. I know that might seem unrealistic... but maybe I belong on another continent.

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clearly I am having problems with this. I do care... but why can I not just relax about this? Accepting my cousin's choice to leave the relationship and seriously break my heart has been very difficult to deal with. I can be okay with his new relationship... but accepting him as just a cousin after we loved each other still feels like something is wrong in the universe to me. I cry way too much and am not sure how to stop. - I am glad for this page - thank you for allowing me to work through these feelings among people who know what I am talking about.

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It's normal that you can't relax about this. Things happened a bit differently with me. Like you, my cousin finished with me, but I decided to keep doing the family thing and see her still. After it finished the next time I saw her was 5 months later around Christmas time. I saw her several times in the lead to Christmas at gatherings organised by other family members. On Christmas morning I was dreading the family meet and as I walked to the car I was thinking I can't, but I did. She was ok but I had a panic attack with uncontrollable sweating, flushed face, stiffness and racing thoughts. I did a runner. Just made an excuse I felt ill and up and left my Aunts house on Christmas day, I must have been there for 30 minutes, most of which was spent in the toilet. On the drive home I went 10 miles past my exit on the motorway before I even realized due to the racing thoughts. The days prior were similar, but I think Christmas day was the worst because it had been a couple days since I saw her and I'd had time to think about and sink in just how bad things were. This strong bond we had that I thought was unbreakable, broken. That period caused physical as well as mental strains, I did myself some long term muscle damage in my shoulders from the severe anxiety.

That Christmas day was the last time, after that I started skipping family meets. Like yourself I thought about leaving the country but I actually acted on it. I knew someone in Sweden and I planned to go but that fell through. I was desperate to escape. I had an opportunity to go to Australia, the other side of the world, to stay with a friend. I lived there with him for 3 months. I was scared to see my cousin again and sometimes I even wished I just didn't have a family. Turns out being in another country was just the thing I needed. While in Australia my mindset changed to a desire to win her back, initially as a lover but thanks to the influence of some wise friends, that changed to just wanting her back as a cousin. Or at least I thought I just wanted her back as a cousin, but deep down there was a hidden ulterior motive in every action and thought I had about it. But once I recognized that ulterior motive, I thought about what was really important (family) and could change my thought process. My cousin and I opened communication. We arranged to meet, I returned and 5 days later we met and it wasn't easy but it was a lot easier than I expected!

You could stay away, and what? Live? You might end up living in regret. Running away doesn't make the pain go away. Always it will be there, in the back of your mind that you lost your cousin, your love. That you lost your family. Stopping you from being truly happy. In the back of my mind I got my cousin back, my love. I conquered my fears. I got my family back. Mending the relationship will make the pain go away. That's why I feel my duty to suggest you see him again. Have courage.  I love her so much. I'll always love her, but I don't care that we're not together, I'm just so happy and grateful to have my family and my cousin after having lost them. Now? The pain is gone. I have occasional fleeting jealousy but it's not difficult to deal with. I remember where I've got to, and I feel like our cousin relationship is strong and I won't ever lose it again. The guy she's with is the vulnerable one to lose her, not me.. I feel powerful to be accepted. I want to be near her, in the same room. And she loves the attention I show her now just as she always did. We talk with the same enthusiasm we always did and I feel the same magical wonderful feeling inside that I always felt just from talking with her. And I never thought I would feel that again. I didn't think I would ever even see her again.

As aweful as it sounded in the beginning. Going through those initial difficult times was definitely worth it in the end and to have what I have now I would go through it again!!!!

I want to share with you a song that helped me and gave me strength during the time in Australia when I didn't know how things were going to turn out yet and I was building the confidence to see her again. It's called "Try" by P!nk.

I relate to you right to my very core when you said you feel like something's wrong with the universe. Exactly how I have felt. As humans we all make mistakes, it might be the universe makes mistakes sometimes too.

Will be here for you. Best wishes

HG

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it has been a week or so... and I am feeling better... but it still bothers me a bit... I am thinking now that I can get over this... but I still don't want to be friends or ever see my cousin again. I told him that I loved him and that I know he is happy  - I wished him a marriage of true love... but I don't feel like I should ever talk to him again. I am happy for work that keeps me from thinking about it all day. I think the reason it is hard to just be fine with this... is because of the lost relationship that was filled with hand holding, affection and love... but obviously he doesn't love me anymore.  I am learning to deal with it... but that doesn't mean that I am fine with it.

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I am managing ok right now... but it has been tough couple of weeks. I understand why people drink alcohol now. I can't believe I still miss him - it's been 4 years and I don't even talk to him anymore. I blocked him completely on fb so that I can not see any of his pictures ... but somehow... like this morning... I could be just driving to work... and I think of him. It doesn't seem fair to me - but it is what it is and there is nothing I can do. Happy for him ... but really sad for me - trying not to crumble here. Thanks for being my forum.

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