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Justaman

Update: Im not sure what's happening

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I removed the old post because i wanted to send her to this site, and didn't want to make her feel weird that our story was on here. 

 

But here is an update: Today i told her how i felt, how i really felt and we talked about it for a while. She just got out of a very serious relationship and she said she wants to take some time to think everything through, she wants to see if she does not want to because we are cousins or because she still has her ex on her mind.

 

I told her that i wanted to start and take things really slow, like slower than a normal relationship because that would make things less weird in the long run, but that if we gave this a try, i believe this would be the most amazing thing ever and that i love her more than anyone ever can. We had a great day and i honestly hope that this works out. At least she knows how i feel. I told her that you can not help who you fall in love with, and i will always be by her side no matter what she decides.

 

After tonight, she said that she doesn't think she will ever be as happy as she was with her ex. And that she has too strong of feelings for him to think of me in that way. I will continue to support her in every way that i can, and when i leave tomorrow to go home, i will tell her that the ball is in her court, and that i will not bring it up again. I want her to be happy and even though she is the one who brought the whole thing up, I don't want to push her into something she is not comfortable with or is not ready for.

Edited by Justaman
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She probably feels a little insecure if she were to get in a relationship with you. It may be due to her fear of society that it is a taboo for cousins to date each other. And the fear of how both families will react to this uncommon relationship and also their opinion and approval/disapproval. Regarding her ex, she is probably in need of someone right now and using you as a rebound. Not that being a rebound will not end well. If you would like to start this relationship, you can try being there for her and hope that she will open up and let you into her heart. Hope that helps! 

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Fist let me say thank you for this forum. I feel like I can just talk here. 

 

So i left today and the entire plane ride my mind was on her. My heart was beating just for her. Before I left I told her that I would miss her and she said that I wouldn't miss her for long. But I think I'll miss here every moment of my life. 

 

Parts I removed before. She got out of a very serious relationship with the first person she loved a couple of months ago. Currently she just can't allow herself to love or be in love with anyone else. She wants him back but I know it's not going to happen. I told her how I feel, how I really feel and I told her that I want to take things slow with her because I want things to work out. She told me that she will only be fully happy with him, which I understand. It's a first love. It's the love we base all loves on. 

 

For me I was just looking to see if there would even be a possibility and I'm sure there could be, but she will need time. Lots of time. And I can accept that, but I'm heart broken. Heart broken because I can't be around her, heart broken because I've never felt like this about anyone and I'm even married. I feel like my heart was taken out of my chest. I can't breath, when I close my eyes I only see her. I dream about her and I have never dreamt about anyone like this before. I know she needs comfort and support right now and I'm going to give it all to her. 

 

I even told her that I would leave here and move there just for the chance of a life with her. I know it probably wasn't the smartest thing to do, and normally my words are very calculated, but with her I could not keep them inside. With her I strive to be a better person and would do anything she asked because my soul is hers, my mind is full of her, I go to sleep this way, I wake up this way, she haunts me like a ghost. 

 

And this isnt lust, I know lust and to me this is so much deeper than that, my soul cries that we aren't together. But I have to just keep telling myself that she needs time. I just hope that because of where she is in her mind and with her ex love, that I didn't scare her away. I told her that the ball is in her court and that if she wants to try, I'll be there instantly. As for now, I told her that I'll be there anyway she needs me to and that I will not bring up these feelings anymore. Only time will tell if this will work, but I don't think I'll ever be as happy as when I get to see her, even if for just a moment, even if just when I close my eyes. 

 

I decided to to start a journal on all of this. One per day and see how things go over time. 

Edited by Justaman
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Thanks Juan, I feel like it's best to put it out just the way it is. The raw passion that comes from the heart is the only thing I have now. 

 

I am on day 3 of my journal. It's turning out to be more like the diary of Anne Frank. I wish I could post stuff from there here, but I think one day she will look at this site and see it. It may just freak her out before she is ready. 

I still miss her. We talked on the phone today and the sound of her voice made my heart jump for joy. I felt her smile through the phone. I've never been in love like this before. I just hope and pray that one day soon she will get over her ex and give us a try. I know I can make her happy and she already makes me happy. What more is there in this life?

Edited by Justaman
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