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ParisSomeday

I'm in love with my cousin, but he is in a long term relationship and has kids...

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It all started when I was in an abusive marriage, and the only person who I called to pick me up was my older cousin. He has been there for me since day one, all through the finality of my painful divorce. Although we barely knew each other as kids, as adults we became close as we learned more intimate details about each other's personal lives. We grew closer reminiscing about our younger days and laughing about our crazy family members. It wasn't long until I realized I was totally in love with my cousin. He has also told me he loves me as well. We became very attracted to each other and have had a sexual relationship for 2 years now. He tried leaving his long term girlfriend for me, but I told him to go back to her because they have 2 kids and I felt guilty for being a home wrecker. We didn't talk for three months after I told him to go back. But somehow, he is in my life again and I can't let him go. Our love for each other is stronger than ever. He always makes an effort to make time for me. But now I find myself questioning my life. What am I doing with this man? He is clearly taken and unavailable. He goes home to his long term girlfriend every night. I can't help but wonder, am I trying to fulfill an empty void in my life by being with my cousin? Am I truly in love? I don't even want to date because I am so in love with him and no other guy makes me feel the way he does. But he has also become my only family. Both my parents are deceased and I have no other siblings. During the 3 months apart, I was very lonely and depressed. But I don't know what to do. I don't want to break up his family, but it's also not fair for me to sleep alone at night. I deserve a man and family of my own. And I deserve to be in a relationship that isn't a secret. I'm in my 30's and not getting any younger. If I don't take my love life seriously now, I might end up alone forever. What should I do? Should I break it off with him? Or is he the love of my life? Will I be making a serious mistake if I let him go for good? Help!!!

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Justaman    3

Honestly I would be true to myself. Tell him exactly how you feel and let him make the decision. I love my cousin so much, but she just got out of a relationship and she can not look past it. If he loves you back, let him come to you. Let the love for each other grow and it just might be the best relationship of your life. 

 

For me, she is the joy of my life. The idea of us being together keeps me alive, dreaming of her helps me get sleep and talking to her is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I survive each day knowing that there might be a chance. 

Edited by Justaman
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Nattana    17

ParisSomeday - your cousin is using you AND abusing you!  He is using you for extramarital sex and abusing you by leading you on to believe there might be more to the relationship.  He is also using and abusing his long time partner AND his children.  

He is a cheat AND a bully.  No one deserves to be treated like that.  

I recommend that you ge the book NASTY PEOPLE, HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  I used that book to change my way of thinking.  I had to read it many times but the effort was worth it - I am now a very happy, very positive person.  I am not dependent on any one else for my happiness.  You can do it too.  

HUGS

Nat

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8 hours ago, Nattana said:

ParisSomeday - your cousin is using you AND abusing you!  He is using you for extramarital sex and abusing you by leading you on to believe there might be more to the relationship.  He is also using and abusing his long time partner AND his children.  

He is a cheat AND a bully.  No one deserves to be treated like that.  

I recommend that you ge the book NASTY PEOPLE, HOW TO STOP BEING HURT BY THEM WITHOUT STOOPING TO THEIR LEVEL by Dr. Jay Carter.  I used that book to change my way of thinking.  I had to read it many times but the effort was worth it - I am now a very happy, very positive person.  I am not dependent on any one else for my happiness.  You can do it too.  

HUGS

Nat

Thanks Nat. I feel this way a lot, as if I'm the "side woman." But then I remember how it started out. It wasn't sexual at all. He helped me move out and away from my husband. He helped me when I had no car or home to go home to. He let me live with them for 3 months. In those 3 months we spent getting to know each other, we would spend countless nights just laughing about our old family get together as kids. I feel he genuinely cares about me. He even wanted to leave his girlfriend to be with me, but that's where I drew the line. I always remind him he's my cousin and I can't break up his family. He's also going through tough times, lost his job, and is being supported by her. He has asked me to help pay for some bills he couldn't pay, and of course I helped because he was there for me during my time of need. I just don't know what to do here. I love him so much, and we help each other get through life. I talk to him everyday and see him 4-5 times a week. When we go out he introduces me as his wife sometimes. I just don't know what to feel anymore. It would hurt too much to let him go.

Edited by ParisSomeday

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9 hours ago, Justaman said:

Honestly I would be true to myself. Tell him exactly how you feel and let him make the decision. I love my cousin so much, but she just got out of a relationship and she can not look past it. If he loves you back, let him come to you. Let the love for each other grow and it just might be the best relationship of your life. 

 

For me, she is the joy of my life. The idea of us being together keeps me alive, dreaming of her helps me get sleep and talking to her is the reason I get out of bed in the morning. I survive each day knowing that there might be a chance. 

Thanks Justaman. I feel the same way about my cousin as you feel for yours. It's just hard because he already has a long term girlfriend and 2 kids. Although he has tried to leave his gf for me, I wouldn't let him due to the guilt I felt for breaking them up. But I love him too much to let him go too. And it's not like he's a random guy, he is my cousin. The familial bond is stronger and more intimate. I've never felt this way before. But it's also hard also feeling like I come 2nd. I'm very confused.

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Justaman    3

Just tell him. If he loves you then you won't be a second anymore. I told my cousin how I felt. She wasn't ready to hear it, not sure if it's because of her ex who she is still in love with or because it's to weird for her. Either way, I can't get my mind off of her. 

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Romalee    26

Ok I'm going to be the bad one here.

He is in a long term relationship and has children with her.

He is cheating on HER with YOU. Introducing you and his WIFE, not good.

You owe it to yourself and him to back out. His relationship needs to succeed or fail on its own

with NO outside influence.  If you are to be together it will happen in time. Otherwise he is where he needs

to be and you need to move on in the "love" department.

Nat is spot on with her advice. You are being used and abused as is his girlfriend and children.

 

You will ultimately do what ever you want. Just remember you asked for advice.

I hope you come to a workable solution for the situation,

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39 minutes ago, Romalee said:

Ok I'm going to be the bad one here.

He is in a long term relationship and has children with her.

He is cheating on HER with YOU. Introducing you and his WIFE, not good.

You owe it to yourself and him to back out. His relationship needs to succeed or fail on its own

with NO outside influence.  If you are to be together it will happen in time. Otherwise he is where he needs

to be and you need to move on in the "love" department.

Nat is spot on with her advice. You are being used and abused as is his girlfriend and children.

 

You will ultimately do what ever you want. Just remember you asked for advice.

I hope you come to a workable solution for the situation,

Thanks for the honest advice. It's just hard to leave him now. He calls me everyday and we always spend time together on my days off. He always checks up on me and helps me with my problems. He has become my main support system in life and the only dependable family member I have. I don't understand how am I being abused? I know he is cheating on his gf with me, and I feel like a piece of holy crapoly! for it because ironically, I know what it feels like to be cheated on. I feel equally guilty for partaking in a sexual relationship with him despite knowing he has a girlfriend and kids. I didn't plan on it happening, but the attraction was just too much to ignore. I have never felt this way for any other man in my life. Is it because he is my cousin that the love feels stronger? We share an intimacy so deep because of our family history. It's just all so strange and it's hard not to feel like something from a Jerry Springer episode. I want to move on with my life, but without him in it, I don't feel like it's much of a life at all. 

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Nattana    17

ParisSomeday -  I am so glad you bought the book.  When I got my first copy, I read it again and again - I have no idea how many times:  20, 30, 40 - it doesn't matter, I just kept reading.  LOL

Many of us are conditioned to be victims by our early childhood.  Until you learn how the bully operates, you can't understand.  Once you do understand, you way of living will change.  It can be scary at first but soon you will feel a new freedom and purpose in life.

If you have any questions or need more encouragement - just send me a PM.  I really want to help.

HUGS

Nat

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Guest UnderstandingGetsYouHurt   
Guest UnderstandingGetsYouHurt

Hi ParisSomeday,

I want to tell you the story of what happened to me (limited, focusing on the similarities I see with your situation). My cousin and I haven't been together as long as you and yours - we only met about a year ago but it escalated quickly bc we were drawn to each other like moths to a flame. He had a pregnant gf he lived with when we met. He left her immediately for me. I felt like a terrible homewrecker and told him for months to go back to her and try and make it work. He told me he didn't want to be with her, he wanted me but he was in constant contact with her anyways and it came out later than he was still infrequently sleeping with her and leading her to believe that they would be together (bc she was threatening to the child away if he left her). As hurt as I was upon finding that out I tried to be understanding bc of the child and he remained consistent that it was me he loved and he felt trapped with her and was only trying be in his childs life. I told him I would not tolerate being a second option and he said I wasn't. So I told him to prove it or leave me alone. He moved to another state and started a life where I am to do this, finally truly leaving her pregnant but with the intentions of being in his childs life if it were possible.

Fast forward several months. I became pregnant. He changed. He completely freaked out. Still tries to hold it down sometimes, but is the worst I have ever seen him and he says the MEANEST things to me like I "ruined his life" and our relationship was "such a huge mistake" and that he doesn't want to be apart of my life, essentially leaving me alone and pregnant too for what seems like no reason other than resentment and fear . Point blank, my cousin is too immature. There is no doubt that we love and care for each other deeply, but the stress of life coupled with my pregnancy has proved too much and he buckled under the weight and blames me for his own actions and him not getting to be in his daughters life.

Romalee actually advised me on a post I started months back and called it then exactly like it's playing out now. It's awful. I wish he would have just been my best friend when we met instead of a romantic partner, or that I would have left him when I found out he was lying and cheating, or I wish he would have left me right away when I got pregnant rather than say the terrible things he has that I can't unhear. I am glad about my baby though so I remain positive that everything happens for a reason, but I wish we could have salvaged a friendship or some other way to be in each others lives rather than ruin it beyond repair and be alone and pregnant with my fatherless child.

I understand how you feel about losing your cousin. And all the advice you have gotten here is sound. I would say that if you have it in you to forgive him using you (just bc you love someone truly doesn't mean you can't use them) tell him you can only be friends. That way you can keep him but not the romance. This may make moving on difficult but that is a decision you need to make since you are so adamant about not losing him as your only family. If you don't want the relationship sans romance, tell him he needs to choose and prepare yourself for all possible outcomes. There is obviously something wrong with his relationship with the mother or else he wouldn't be cheating on her. He needs to acknowledge how he feels and commit to that - whether it be leaving her or working on their relationship. He can always go to court for custody of his children if there is a fear of losing them. And don't try and convince him either way. Let him decide on his own and listen to his actions not his words. I'm sure you are a strong and resilient person and you can do this. *hugs*

 

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