Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
RIVA

When should we tell our families?

Recommended Posts

RIVA    2

Hello everyone, I found this website by accident and I profoundly thank you for it. I know it is not meant to be for me but it definitely helps to know that we are not alone.

My main concern is when should we tell our family that we are dating. The situation is:

*He lives alone in another city (nearby) and there´s not much problem telling his mom and/or dad about our romance.

*I am not working and also living with my parents so the main issue is telling my family about it.

We've been dating for about 6 months as a "formal" couple, so, from a point of view, it'd be maybe too soon to tell my family he's whom I love and spend the rest of my life with even if we were not related, but, as many of you, I can not help feeling the way I do about him.

If this question was previously answered please excuse me.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

RIVA,

 There is no real set time I would think, but, more of a point when things come together to where it could be or is becoming obvious. I personally would refrain so long as you are under your parents' roof, unless you have very ample indications that they would take it well. If they don't take it well, you could be out of their house. Which, by the way, is what I would recommend anyhow. What would be your prospects of getting a job in this nearby city where he is? I would be working toward that as soon as I could. If you can get work there, perhaps the two of you could get a place together. I always recommend that, and at least initially, get a two bedroom place. You have your room, and he has his. The actual sleeping arrangements are NOT for public, OR family consumption. It keeps up appearances, PLUS it DOES give each of you your own space. You'll find out just how important THAT can be, once the two of you are under the same roof, LOL. It also gives family time to adjust to the visual of the two of you together. Even though you may be moving faster than appearances indicate, it does give the impression that, even if there IS something going on, the two of you are making the effort to be discrete about it, until such time as it is plainly obvious. At that point, "inquiring minds will want to know", and you can spill, and let the cat fully out of the bag.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serendipity    68

How old are you?  If you are still in high school or even a college student relying upon the generosity of your family for room and board, then your romantic situation may be limited if your parents do not approve.

If you are an adult who is out of work for now, then my advice might be different.

Your age and independence level are important here.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RIVA    2

Hello Serendipity, thank you for your interest. I am sorry for taking so long to reply.

 

We are both 26 years old. He is an engineer and I am going back to get my degree this year. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serendipity    68

Then I'd go with Hawk's advice.  As long as you are beholden to your parents, things could go very sour very quickly for you if your parents are going to be difficult.

How is the job search going for you?  Being able to be on your own and living independently will emboldren you to live life on your own terms.

FWIW, my cuz and I waited about 3 months to tell our families.  But we are a tad bit older than you and are at a point in our lives where we can tell others to go jump in the lake and not give a flying flip about our families reactions.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RIVA    2

Thank you both Serendipity and Hawk!

 

Well, thing is,,, my mom very recently made a comment about a first cousin once removed of mine is getting married with his cousin-s cousin (they are extended family from my dad's side so I have not met them, but I understood they might not be related, maybe veeeery distant cousins) and she was very uncomfortable with the idea. The comment she made was that is "not okay".

So, it will be a "no, no" from my mom's. I don't know how my dad and brother will take it.

Unfortunately I have not been able to find a job. His job will move him to another city in a few weeks but it is not clear yet to where, just until the project he is currently working on is finally over.

My brother just wrote me a letter a few days ago, asking me to not move to another place. He is 34 y.o. but I do not understand his exact reasons. I will be digging into it there days.

 

Well, that is it. Thank you again for reading. I appreciate your advice very much and told my S.O. about it. He is also willing to follow your advice.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Serendipity    68

Your mom does not get to decide your path to happiness.  Neither does your brother.  Whatever his reasons for asking you not to move, none of it matters. You will get work whereever you can and if you decide to move close to your sweetie, that's a decision you get to make.

If you are going to stay in your parents' home for a while, then my advice is to keep your relationship hush hush.  There is no sense in stirring up the pot while you are under their roof and are obligated to them for food and shelter.  If you and your cousin decide to really push forward with your relationship, then pack up your bags, move close to him and then tell your family where you're going as you walk out the door.

You can't let fear of your family's reaction dictate how you live your life.  In the end, you will regret that you didn't at least see if you and your cousin can make a go of this.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
nisouc    0

Hi RIVA.

I am glad about the advise I've read here because these worked in my case too. :)

Cousin love and I were into our 4th year of being a formal couple when we told our families about our relationship. By that time, we both have our jobs. I am not sure if there is really a perfect timing, but I think it really helps when you are both stable. It was easier for us to just say it... not asking for permission or what... I think it gives them  the impression that we really thought about it a lot and arrived at this decision. There were massive problems... but yeah...

Fast forward, our son is turning five years old this year. Still got some conflicts with our parents... but nevertheless, everything is quite stable now. :)

I hope you'll have the courage to fight for your happiness too. If you'll follow your heart, expect a lot of headaches though. :P But still, if you are sure about him, it will be worth it. 

 

All the best. :) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
RIVA    2
On 17/2/2017 at 9:21, nisouc dijo:

Hi RIVA.

I am glad about the advise I've read here because these worked in my case too. :)

Cousin love and I were into our 4th year of being a formal couple when we told our families about our relationship. By that time, we both have our jobs. I am not sure if there is really a perfect timing, but I think it really helps when you are both stable. It was easier for us to just say it... not asking for permission or what... I think it gives them  the impression that we really thought about it a lot and arrived at this decision. There were massive problems... but yeah...

Fast forward, our son is turning five years old this year. Still got some conflicts with our parents... but nevertheless, everything is quite stable now. :)

I hope you'll have the courage to fight for your happiness too. If you'll follow your heart, expect a lot of headaches though. :P But still, if you are sure about him, it will be worth it. 

 

All the best. :) 

Hello Nisouc, thank you for your response. 

Well, comparing my relationship to yours, yeap.. we are kind of "early", but everything has felt right, and fit so "perfectly". 

I'd like to tell a little bit more about our story, just in case I forget to share it later on....

About a year ago, I came out of a very difficult situation.  It was a huge mess and decided to go back to live with my parents for a while to heal and take a break. 2 weeks after I arrived (to my parent's house), my dad invited me on a trip, and my cousin "R" was there, we both did not know that we were going to be there since we had lost communication for a while. We did some catching up and when nobody was around, he said "I like you" and to my surprise I replied back "I like you too" without me even expecting it (always denied it to myself). We started talking a lot about what we were going to do (pursuing a relationship or just staying as "friends") on the phone. At the end, we went for it. He was living about 6 hours away from me, he came to visit me a few times, and 3 months into our relationship, his boss had him placed in a closer city (about 3 hours away) so the visits became more often. I went to visit him for his birthday (October) and ended up staying there for 3 weeks, the main reason I came back to my parents house was because I left my 2 cats with them and also because it did not feel the right time yet to move in together. I made my second trip to spend New Year's with him. After I have been back, the feeling is that it is becoming the right time. The only thing that holds me back is resolving some issues with myself and my family (not related to him). We have not set up any date.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×