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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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shadowhedgie

Should I tell him how I feel?

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So I guess I should start off by saying that I'm in love with my second cousin! I've been in love with him since the day I first met him. I might've been 12 or 11 when I first met him. That moment my grandmother first introduced us it was love at first sight and I felt an instant connection. He was a year older than me, but we instantly got along! The first day my sister, cousin, and me would mess with each other and wrestle! My sister didn't really like him laying on top of us, but I didn't really mind hehehe.... I would tease him about how he sucked at video games and he would tackle me and push me on my bed. I would try to push him off as quickly as possible since I didn't want my sister to get suspicious. I shared a room with my sister and plus I don't have a door so we couldn't really be alone. Also my dad came into my room and told us to stop playing like that so we did. 

The next time I saw him was at my cousin Sandra's quince I was 14 now and we sat across the table from each other. I took off my heels and we played with each other's feet and legs under the table. He would rub my legs and I would do the same to him. We would just smile at each other and we did this for most of the party except when I went to dance with my other cousins. Once the party was over we rode back to my house in the same car he was sitting between me and my sister. He would rub my leg as we drove back and I put my head on his shoulder. Eventually I fell asleep with my head on his lab during the rest of the car ride. 

After that day I didn't see him anymore for another year then when it was my quince party we invited his family. I danced with him to a couple of songs. I think some of my family looked at me weird, but I wanted to dance to every song that was played at my party, so I didn't care. Once my party was over he asked if he could spend the night over and my family kinda wasn't okay with it, but they agreed for him to stay. The next day we sat on the couch next to each other and we had a blanket on each other. Under the blanket he would rub my leg and we would play with each others feet. He would also hold my hand and lay his head on my shoulder. I would try and not make it obvious that we were flirting, but we weren't fooling anyone. When he left my father told me that had the feeling that I was in love with him. I was terrified at that point cause I knew my family would lose it if they found out how I felt. So I tired to convince him that we were just really good friends and nothing more.

I sadly didn't see him much after that. A year later his family came over except this time his parents were divorced and his father had a new girlfriend. We stayed up all night in the living room with the rest of the family watching movies. He was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor next to the couch. During the movie he would drop his arm towards me and grab my hand. My uncle that lived with us saw what we were doing and told us to cut it out. 

After that I didn't see him again until I was 16 or 17. The next time I saw him it was his fathers and step mothers wedding. At this time he had a girlfriend. When I saw her and he introduced me and my family to her I felt a huge pain consume my heart. I was extremely sad, but I tired to get over it and I tried my best not to let it ruin my time at the party. Later that night he and his girlfriend left early when he came to say goodbye to my family he put his hand on my shoulder and gently rubbed it, he smiled at me and said goodbye. 
After that I kept telling myself that my feelings for him were wrong and they were only going to complicate my life if I continued to feel this way.

I didn't think much of him after that! Every time he left I would try to forget him and subdue my feelings for him. However, whenever he came back to visit my heart would be overflown with emotions and I would be reminded of how much I love him. He recently came to visit again for Christmas right now I'm 18 and he's 19 almost 20. I tried to remind myself that he has a girlfriend and that I should hide my feelings away. However, that mental state I had in mind dwindled away when I saw him again. He immediately came and hugged me. I went to sit in the living room next to my sister. While he went to the dinning table and talked to my parents. I heard my father ask him how he and his girlfriend were doing. He replied, and said it was complicated between the two of them. He didn't go into detail at all. Later that night he came to the living room and sat down with his little step cousin. She's like 7, and it was actually cute to see him play with her. After we all ate dinner, daisy, his little cousin, asked me to play with her. I reluctantly agreed and sat at the bigger couch to play with her. We played with her dolls and he sat on the smaller couch where I was seated before. I told him that my sister was gonna get mad at him for taking up the whole couch, so he came and sat by me. I was being very sarcastic while playing with daisy since I wasn't really that interested in the dolls. He later would lay his head on my shoulder while I was playing with her. He didn't keep his head there for long though. Later when we watched a batman movie he playfully put his fist to my cheek. When he touched my cheek I could feel this fuzzy feeling overwhelm my body. His family left around 1:00am and when we were gonna say goodbye he wrapped his arm around my neck and said, "Damn you really are fun size!" Since I'm so short compared to his ginormous height (he's like 5'7-5'9 while I'm 4'11). My mother saw him do this to me and told us to stay like that so she could take a picture. He rested his chin on my head and we took the picture. After that we took a huge family picture with both our families and he grabbed me to be next to him and put his arm around my shoulder. 

Now for the past 3 days we've been texting each other. His dad is coming over to our house for New Years Eve, but he's going to Mexico and won't be back until February. I told him to come visit me at my college campus when he comes back. I live on campus, and he said he would definitely come! I can't wait to see him. These past few days I've been thinking non stop about him. I've also read many of your stories and it makes me feel safe to know that I'm not the only one out there!

So I don't know if I should tell him how I feel when he comes to visit me or earlier or not at all I'm very conflicted and scared. So any honest advice would very much be appreciated! Sorry for this long post!

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Hi and welcome to cc.

You didn't say whether he ever explained the "complicated" nature of the relationship with his girlfriend.

I am going to assume he is still with her,  In that case you probably shouldn't tell him anything about your

feelings for him.  If and/or when he should no longer be in the relationship, then  if you still feel

the way you do for him, then you can tell him in whatever way feels best or right for you.

Until that time, continue with your schooling, become self sufficient and able to live on your own.

 

Best wishes on your journey.

 

Hugs,

 Romalee

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Thanks for your advice Romalee! He didn't feel like talking about his relationship so I didn't bother him about it.  

I'll definitely just continue to focusing on my schooling. 

Thanks again for the advice :)

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