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Guest wobbles87

I have no one to talk to about what to do! Please help!

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Well I never thought I would be on a website asking for advice about my feelings for my cousin yet here I am. I am going to start off with some background just because I need to get my feelings out and then I will finish with my question, here's to hoping someone on this site can help me with the direction I am going to take.

Ok so I was raised very closely to my cousins here in the LA area, we were all home schooled and attended church together until one of the families moved to MO when my Uncle was offered a great contracting position out there. I was about 7 or 8 when this happened and although the separation from them, especially Lucy and her brother Joseph who were closest in age to me, hurt immensely it created almost an even stronger bond between us all. They would come out to visit for months at a time once or twice a year all through my child hood and us kids were literally the best of friends, doing everything together.  Joseph and I were always flirting and joking around, I remember clearly fighting with a mutual friend because we both liked him but I knew he liked me more. We had kissed as very very small children (my mom still has a photo of us as toddlers kissing its adorable) and everyone in our family would tease us about it occasionally, or say (when we were older) that we were flirting together - causing us both to blush but I was embarrassed because I totally did have feelings for him still (around 9-10). The feelings never went away, and by the time we were in Jr. High I can remember just aching over wanting to be closer to him than just friends/cousins. Over the years they would continue to come out and visit us in CA and i would do the same by heading to MO, his sister and our other cousin and I have been best friends for a very long time and in Highschool us three girls, plus my older sister and Joseph went on a mission trip together through their church. That trip was so amazing, I had seen him shine in other areas (playing guitar, sports, just being an amazing Godly person) but on this trip I got to see a whole other side of him. His compassion towards others, selflessness in regard to himself, and the way he could make me laugh or smile by teasing me or saying something sweet always lifted my spirits no matter what. As more time went by, I began dating a guy when I was 19, Joseph had never had a girlfriend but was going to college and whenever we would all hang out I would tease him about the girls there who liked him, but was secretly glad that he had never found anyone (even though i had a boyfriend... i'm not perfect i admit), he is and was and probably always will be an extremely shy person so he was not really into the idea of finding a girl at the time, but i love that about him and whenever he blushes over something silly it just makes me want to jump on him. Anyways, He came on a few visits to CA and met my boyfriend a few times, he was really nice to him and would always make it a point to ask me if we were still together and how things were going, but he also would always try to get me to not go see him (my bf) when they were here visiting which i found odd. He did eventually get a girlfriend too but I had been with my bf for over 4 1/2 years by that point and never really thought of him romantically anymore, that is until this past year and a half. So although we would all see each other at weddings (my sisters, our other cousins etc.) and talk on FB or texting once in awhile, it wasn't until last summer that my feelings for him came back stronger than ever before. My boyfriend and I had broken up and Joseph (my cousin love) and his brothers and sisters were coming out to spend a week in CA, when he found out that I was single he couldn't believe it and kept saying "your joking... You have to be joking, are you kidding??!" over and over again- he then went on to tell me that he wasn't dating his GF any more either and we made a few jokes about how we were going to be the only unmarried cousins left in the gang. For some reason the look he gave me that day when I told him i was single again is what has started it all again. Ever since that moment I have thought about him almost every single day and my confusion just grew exponentially recently. I started dating my ex bf again in the spring of this year, and while things are going fine- they are really just the same as before and it has been gnawing away at me that this isn't the person I want to spend the rest of my life with. My spiritual beliefs are very important to me and my current BF is the opposite of a strong leader in that area, or really any area. While I know he loves me, I just know that it doesn't feel right, I have always felt dissapointed in our relationship because it is nothing like what I thought being in love would be. He wants a life that is becoming more and more unattractive to me (the financial world, big money, new cars, LA lifestyle... ugh) and doesn't see me for who I really am. I'm not sure why it has taken me so long to realize all of this, especially after our last break up which was for a decent amount of time, but it's true and I will have to end things with him soon no matter what I decide to do concerning Joseph. Ok so back to Joseph, we were all (all the cousins) in NV in June for another one of our cousins weddings and I was so excited to see him, yet a little nervous. I found myself taking longer to get ready before we headed to the rehearsal dinner, ceremony etc, checking my appearance in mirrors and stuff which I rarely do, I was embarrassed to admit even to myself who it was for but it was for him. We had fun but were very busy the whole time with wedding prep and our whole family was there with us so didn't get much one on one time, I did get a chance to find out he was still single, and about to start a 2 yr physical therapy program out in MO, i kept mentioning that CA had some really great schools but he just laughed and said he might move back out here when he is done w/ the program. We took some photos together all dressed up and I must say we would make a great looking couple. They came out again this summer, just in July, and I was so nervous to see him. I was having a hard time making eye contact with him and even hugging him hi/bye was really hard for me (he is simply gorgeous) I feel like he picked up on it a little bit but I really have no way of knowing because we have always had a little sexual tension between one another. After that visit I was blessed by just going out to NV for another cousin's wedding (we have so many cousins it's ridiculous) this last week and seeing him again. he could only make it for 2 days, but when he met us at the rehearsal dinner I literally ran and threw my arms around him, and was pleasantly surprised when he returned my bear hug. I felt the connection even more strongly this time, and noticed he was having difficulty looking me in the eyes a bit too, turning red, laughing at everything i said (i made sure to reciprocate the attention, saying his name a lot, laughing, asking Q's etc. trying to stand/sit by him as much as possible... he didn't mind in the least and reacted warmly if not strangely shy every time). He asked why i was so dressed up at the rehearsal dinner right after he saw another guy I didn't know kinda hitting on me, I responded by playfully acting as though I was offended by his comment and he quickly added that I looked really pretty (random), he kept singling me out for conversation and we were both holding a hand of his little sister at one point sitting on a bench by the bonfire. I could barely keep myself from staring at him whenever he wasn't looking... anyways I saw him the next day at my aunts house and there was one point i caught him staring, intensely i might add, at me when he thought I was looking at my phone. My stomach flipped in a way i never knew it could, and when i looked up he didn't even look away. We held eye contact in this amazing, heart breaking, wonderful moment of time long enough for me to realize he just....might...feel something too. I think there might be the slightest chance he has feelings for me too but i KNOW he would never say anything about it (still a very shy guy plus... well i'm barely coming around to the possibility so i'm pretty sure, if anything, he tells himself 'it's wrong she's your cousin'. if anything that is) but i'm considering a course of action for the first time because after doing my research it doesn't seem all that impossible for cousins to just fricken be together! The wedding was so much fun, Joseph and I were in charge of handing out programs and we were laughing so hard at one point over a certain funny lady who scared him, man it was just a blast to spend that time with him after having our intense shared look earlier. (is it crazy to think a look can say a thousand words!!?) After the rest of that crazy night, He came to where I was staying at 5 am the next morning b/c our grandparents were going to pick us and his sibling, my other cousin, up from there to head home. When my grandparents got there, he picked up all my bags for me and opened the car door so I could sit in the middle, once we were driving my grandma asked for something back she had lent to the bride the day before and which I couldn't locate at that moment, so I jokingly told joseph to pray to God I could find it otherwise I would be in huge trouble with the old lady. I knew I had about an hour or so before we dropped them off at the air port and decided to be BOLD (bold for me that is) by scooting closer to him so our arms and legs were touching, i then proceeded to very artfully ( :laugh:) pretend to fall asleep and rested my head on his shoulder. We were basically cuddling (it was pretty cold and dark since it was so early in the morning) and my heart was pounding out of my chest like I had never felt before. It wasn't long before I felt his head gently relax and rest down on top of mine as well. When we got to the airport I said by to his sibling first and then turned to give him a hug bye. I couldn't help but gently rubbing his back as we hugged and using the nick name I had grown up calling him when we were younger. At that point I literally laid down and cried silently into a blanket in the darkness of that cold morning, trying to not let my grandparents see how sad I was and trying to tell myself to not be so crazy as to have feelings for my own fricken cousin. Anyways I finally fell asleep for a few hour and when I woke up i began debating about whether to send him a text or not, just to see if we could keep our connection for as long as possible. I spent over an hour trying to compose the dumb thing, and spent the next 10 hr's of the drive home agonizing over why he hadn't texted me back yet. Once we had finally gotten back home, I had a truck full of texts come through (must have not had reception while driving) and found that he had already texted me before i even sent mine asking if i found the ring and how the drive was going!!!! The feeling i had was one of instantaneous glee at the thought that he immediately felt the urge to communicate with me as I had with him- I responded by texting him a picture of me wearing the ring and filled him in that our gpa had received a speeding ticket, he then replied by saying "man he must have been upset, I'm so glad you were there to calm them all down ;-)" the winky face seemed flirtatious to me, he has never texted anything like that before and so of course my stomach was flipping non-stop once I saw that. We have continued to text until this morning when I mocked him for misspelling a word decided to be BOLD once again by calling him "my dear" I thought that one might scare him off but no! he responded again. It seems that we are now officially communicating, and let me tell you i PLAN on keeping this going with little things like pic messages and whatever, but now i'm at the point where i need YOUR help! I do hope someone has been able to make it through all of this without falling asleep - my heart feels like bursting and i can't believe how badly I want and am praying for this to somehow, someway work out. I don't know how to explain it except that I have felt this way before, but i feel as though God is pulling me in this direction and I don't get it. I do know that joseph is such an amazing strong man of God and whenever we are together it brings out THE best qualities in me, he always makes me want to be the best person possible and always reminds me to put Jesus and others first. I don't think I can tell him yet, i'm pretty sure he would not respond with a "well hey i love you too lets get hitched!" (like i said i can't in any way shape or form assume he would be okay with the fact we are cousins, although i would attempt to educate him w/ the facts as your forums suggest...) so i think right now i'm just going to wait a bit, break things off with my current/ex bf, and just keep praying like crazy b/c God has done bigger things for me before than even this... ugh i'm just so scared. Now that i have let myself actually think of this as a possibility, the possibility of it not happening makes me want to run away and live alone in the mountains. with cats. and write books about my lost cousin love.  SO yeah. Any advice? Suggestions? I really can't risk the chance of telling him and having things be wierd between us or risk having him tell someone else in our family, as i said our family is EXTREMELY close and this would just be... interesting. My mom did make a comment a few months back about how I should just marry joseph and we could adopt kids and be so perfectly happy b/c she always thought we would make a good couple, which really startled me and got me thinking even more about all this.... but i just know there are a few people in our family (like his sister and possibly parents) who wouldn't be able to handle it. k that's it for now so sorry about the leangth, this is the first and only time i will probably ever talk about his, I can't even bring myself to talk to my best friend about it. thanks

- a very concerned and lovesick girl named Joy. PS: he is 27 I am 26 PSS: we would make such cute babies!!


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