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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Redfield

I love her, and she doesn't know it

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Guest Redfield

I'm in love with her, but she doesn't know. I want to tell her how I feel, but I have no idea how she'll react. She's my second cousin so it's legal where I live. We talk over facebook, I would love to talk to her on the phone, but I don't have her number and I can't seem to find the right excuse to give her mine.

so is there anyway I can broach the subject through texting?

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How old are you? Do you never see her in person?

Why don't you ask for her number? That's generally a good move when you're interested in someone. I would caution against informing anyone via FB that you are in love with them.

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Guest Redfield

I'm 17, she is as well. I don't see her in person often because she lives in another state but that won't be a problem soon because my family and I are moving there soon.

I haven't asked her for her number yet because I feel my reasons might be obvious.

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Redfield,

 Lucky you. You get my broken record speech.

 First, focus on your schooling, and encourage her to do the same. You don't have to be rocket scientists, but you can learn a trade or skill that will allow you to make a pretty decent living. It will be very important to be in a position of independence should anything come of this, and family have drama over it. You know, their roof, their rules, your roof, your rules....

 Second, put all of this on the back burner. Once you are in the same area as her, you can have her show you around. Build the friendship. Keep your feelings to yourself, but keep your eyes open for subtle clues from her that she may have similar feelings. If she does, and should by some chance be bold enough to voice her feelings, at that point, you can spill too. DO NOT MOVE BEFORE THAT. If you see subtle things you think MAY indicate such feelings on her part, as cliche as it is, you can always go with the "If you weren't my cousin, ___________" line. Fill in the blank as circumstances dictate. Who knows, SHE may come out with that line to you. If so, you can agree, then go into how it isn't so totally out of the question as everyone has been led to believe. If you seem genuinely concerned for her, but not necessarily THAT into her, it will ease her mind to the point she may start to see you in such a light. If you move too quick, or get clingy, you're apt to turn her off, possibly forever.  But, should it come out that there are mutual feelings, do keep the hormones in check, and keep your pants on. At least for the most part. You aren't 12, and in shorter order than you think, you will be 18, and adults. Some exploration wouldn't be unexpected. I'm an old fart, but I'm not stupid. I've killed a LOT of brain cells, but not so many that I don't recall being your age. I know how these situations play out. BUT, IF anything should develop, it REALLY behooves you to NOT get yourselves in a "parently" way, before you are emotionally and FINANCIALLY ready to do so. So, keep the shenanigans under control. If you don't, you risk major drama now that you may not face, (at least nearly so intensely) when you are say 20 to 22ish, as I generally recommend. It won't be easy. Initially, the sneaking around, and keeping it all on the down low IS very exciting. Eventually, it becomes drudgery. Realize too, that should something develop, the parents will pick up on it MUCH easier than you realize. It's probably not been as long for them as it has for me, since they were your age, and I'll assure you that if the two of you were in a room with me, I would know if there were feelings out of one or both of you. You'd have to be VERY slick for me to not pick up on it, and even slicker for them not to. They know you better than you know yourselves right now. Sux, but trust me when I tell you that. And again, this all hinges on her either having or developing similar feelings.

 

 If you find out at some point that you ARE both in the same place with the feelings, you're certainly old enough to set down and have what we around here generally call "The Talk". You know, the whole " Is this right, Where do we go from here, How do we do this" type of thing. At that point, both of you get on here, and look through all the info pages. Get up to speed on the facts. They are liable to be your only friends, at least initially. Know them well. Remember too that we are here to hold your hands and walk you through it, and (for the most part) the only stupid question is the you you didn't ask. As a mod, I have certain privileges, and I avail myself of them. One of them is that I can have a little peek at where our members and guests are. You didn't mention it, and trust me, I shan't either. However, where you are, AT LEAST TILL YOU MOVE, first cousins (which I'm assuming you are) ARE legal. It depends on what State you're moving to as to the legalities there. Once you get there, (or now if you want, you're perfectly anonymous here) let us know what State it is, and we'll let you know where you stand legally there. We aren't lawyers, and don't give legal advice, but, we have a pretty good grasp on such matters. If you could get yourself in a bind legally, we WILL be able to tell you that. Luckily, there aren't too terribly many States that fall into that category.  

 So, bottom line, focus on you, have her do the same. Encourage her even. Put this all on the back burner and down low until you see how it's going to play out when you get there. Go ahead, and ask her in a pm for her number if you want. Actually, give her yours and say "Hey Cuz, you know we're going to be moving there before long. Here's my number. Let me know about the place so I'm not totally lost with what's going on there when I get there." You know, cool about it, AND it builds the friendship. And puts the ball in her court, and the "power" of "educating" you about the place in her hands. Once you get there, play it by ear and see how it plays out.

 Good Luck, and keep in touch. We'll help you any way we can. If you start to screw up, we'll smack you in the back of the head too. We want you to succeed the right way, and will help you do that to the best of our ability.......

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