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Meeting long lost cousin after 20 years

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I am not sure how to start off, but I will start from the last time I saw my cousin.

From what I was told I have not seen my cousin since I was four or Five, my cousin is 5 years older than me. I have no memories of this cousin because I was so young but we connected on Facebook about 10 years ago. We would talk like once every year just commenting on post, nothing flirty at all. I never had a crush on him or anything like that.

Fast forward to the ending of 2016, I contacted him via Facebook to tell him our uncle passed away and he responded but still nothing flirty. I should add that we also follow each other on Instagram. We like each other pictures here and there but I really didn’t think anything of it. Well February of 2017 he messages me on Instagram and just starts asking me questions about the music I make. I am excited because I really want to meet him because I haven’t seen him since I was four and I am 25 now.

As the conversation went on I start noticing that he was flirting and I was confused because I thought he knew I was his cousin, so I thought to myself "why is he flirting with me, should I tell him that we are cousins". I didn’t tell him we were cousins yet because I didn’t want to offend him and accuse him of flirting (which it was). So a week goes by and he messages me again to tell me that he is in my city, so at this moment I thought to myself "okay he must now we are cousins now since he knows what city I live in". I also called him by his government name to give him a clue that I knew him because he was talking to me like I was a stranger.

So I give him my number because I told him I would love if we could hang out. I ended up texting him and I told him “I have a feeling that you don’t know who I am", and he replies with "who are you". So I tell him that I am your cousin and he goes "Okay, I still would love to see you :)" and he continued to flirt. He then tells me that he can’t explain how he feels about me but seeing my post for so many years he loves the person I am (just seeing my post on social media). I asked him did he know if we were cousins when he initially messaged me and he tells me "no". I don’t believe him because like I said I just messaged him on Facebook a couple months back to tell him about our uncle. 

We meet up and it was a bit weird at first because I knew he liked me because he told me a couple days before we meet up. He told me he couldn't explain the feeling he feels when he sees me (via social media). We are just hanging out and catching up on life and asking behind the scenes stuff that we don’t see on social media like past relationships and family. We end up departing but before that happened we were in the car and I don’t know exactly how it happened but we start kissing and it was so intense, all the feelings I felt in that moment I haven’t felt in so long and I loved every second of it. 

I am not trying to be in a relationship right now because I just got out of one and so did he but for so reason it was like I wanted him so bad and I know he did too. We meet up again and this time we aren’t in the car we are at his house that’s in my city. We start talking about family and I ask him why he doesn’t talk to his dads side of the family (My dad and his dad are brothers; they have the same mom and dad). I don’t want to go into details about what was said because I want to stay anonymous. Anyways he has some built up tension with his dad and so he kept his distance with his dad’s side of the family.

We talk for about an hour and I just let him rant and let out his anger and then we end up kissing again and one thing led to another. We ended up having sex and it was so mind-blowing, I mean the kissing was amazing but the sex was just as intense. I tell him that this so wrong but it feels so right, he doesn’t care about us being cousins at all. I mean I can’t blame him I don’t even know him he is a complete stranger really but at the same time it’s something so familiar with him so I instantly felt comfortable with him. I don’t have sex with people that I don’t really know but I know him in a way.

I ended up researching cousins and sexual relationships to just read about people that have similar stories and I didn’t come up with much until I found this site. Again I don’t want to be in a relationship I like having casual sex with him because I don’t know how I would tell my parents about us. He even said comments about “why can’t we be together” and I always tell him “because we are cousins”. I wish that we weren’t but I'm wondering if the sex and everything would still be as intense to me. I think it would but just because we are related it just feels like It has to be a secret about this whole thing.

I can’t talk to anyone about this because I know no one will understand how I feel. I am so glad I found this site. I will post a part 2 when I feel like typing again.

Thank you for reading.

Peace to you all :) 


Edited by Jahni
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  • Old Timer

First off, a question: why does being cousins mean you can't have a relationship? From your post it sounds like the reason is basically that you don't think your family would ever accept it. I totally get that, because it's what I thought. That's not always true though, and it wasn't in my case, for which I am very grateful. But when I first admitted my feelings of many years to my cousin and learned that he felt the same way, we decided it couldn't be a thing, because we didn't want to hurt our family. That, by the way, lasted about 48 hours before I told him screw it, they would learn to deal. They did too, and we're getting married in two weeks, family attending. :)

I get that you're just out of a relationship, but if all you want is casual sex, I would say your cousin is not the place to find it. You two are stuck together as family forever. You could choose to have no relationship, but that fundamental connection still exists. It's inherently more complicated than some cute guy you met at a bar, which, as we all know from romantic comedies can get complicated by itself.

If you feel like a relationship is impossible simply because you are cousins, here's some basic info for you: in the U.S., cousins can marry in many states: https://www.cousincouples.com/?page=states. In others (like mine) they can't, but they marry in other states, and then have their marriage recognized in the state they live in. Granted, in some states, most notably Texas, relationships between cousins are a crime. There is a slightly elevated risk to having children with your cousin, but not by much: http://www.nytimes.com/2002/04/04/us/few-risks-seen-to-the-children-of-1st-cousins.html.

I realize you aren't asking (or even thinking) about marriage and kids, but those things plus family reactions are the main reasons people worry about this kind of relationship, so I thought I'd through the info out there.

It sounds from your post like your cousin is really into you, and would like to have a relationship. If you don't, he needs to know that. There's a certain thrill in the forbidden, and if you feel like cousin relationships are forbidden, that can certainly make things hotter. But that will pass with time. What doesn't always pass with time is that someone is super special to you, and you love who they are and who you are with them. If that's the case, be willing to consider more than casual sex. If not, let him go.

Best wishes to you whatever happens, and whatever you choose to do!

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Yes family is the main reason why i am saying no relationship. I forgot to add in my post that i live with my mom, after having my child i moved back in with her. She seems to be curious why we talk all the time and why he calls me so late. I had to end up changing his name in my phone just to be safe. My mom is a pretty open person but i dont think she would understand this at all if i were to talk to her about it. I wouldn't talk to her about it until it got really serious between me and my cousin. I am mainly concerned with my dad, since that is his nephew. I need to realize that this is my life and i can't help who i gain feelings for and love.


I thought about it more and i do agree with you on the casual sex statement. I was actually celibate before this so i don't care to have sex that much. Like i said it all happened out of no where and the connection between us was so strong; One thing led to another. I will talk to my cousin and see where his head is and how he feels about everything because i do not want our relationship as far as family wise to be damaged because of all of this. This is so new to me and i never thought i would be having feeling for my cousin. Thank you so much for your insight it helped me alot. :) 


Congrats on getting married! Thats exciting!! <3 

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Guest TwinFlames

No difference to an arranged marriage or Royal's relationships. The Divine is at the drivers seat. Recognise the union and cherish it. It only comes once a lifetime.

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  • Old Timer

Living with a parent certainly complicates things, especially if you have a kid, and it makes sense to me that you wouldn't want to tell anyone unless you get serious. And people do have certain cultural prejudices, even if those prejudices aren't based in science or most organized religions (I think there's a Catholic ban). Our family really took it better than either of us expected though, our grandmother said it didn't surprise her at all, we always had so much in common. His mom, my aunt, said you can't help who you love, and I think she was actually thrilled, because she and I have always been close, and she didn't always care for his girlfriends. My dad was concerned, but ultimately accepted it. Figuring out when and how to tell family is tough, but family love can handle a lot.  There are actually advantages to cousin relationships too, and our family members are realizing that over time. We love the same people, and we can spend all of our holidays with them. If someone is in the hospital or needs help, one of us is always there. If there's a family conflict, we work together and use our individual strengths to solve it. 

I'm not at all trying to persuade you to pursue a relationship with your cousin, just giving you some additional information to make decisions with that I wish I'd had earlier. If you ever want to message me directly, feel free to, and best wishes!

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If he wasn't your cousin, would you pursue a relationship with him? if you would, would you like to be in a relationship with him now or wait some time? I was in the "same" situation a year ago and was also 25 years old. I had came out of a relationship, came back to live with my parents, and was also surprised that I had feelings for my cousin, we kissed and had those "sparks". Same as you, I didn't want to be in a relationship yet, but I just couldn't let him go and he wouldn't let me go either. I told him I wasn't ready so we agreed that we would let things "flow" and we are 10 months into our "formal" relationship. We haven't told our parents, not because I am not sure, but because I am just waiting for the "right" time. The thing is, I do not regret my relationship, and the hardest part is yet to come (soon) but if you´d like to take my advice... do not preassure yourself, if you need time to heal your from your past relationship, take it, make him clear that you need your space and do whatever you want. If you are "meant" to be together, then go for it. Very likely that in the first weeks or even months you'll have doubts, and it's okay, both of you take your time to figure it out and work through them. Even now I also worry a lot that my family is going to "reject" me because of it, but slowly I am sinking into the idea that they will have to accept it (or at least have hope). 

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