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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Jonathan Doeble

Very conflicted about 6 year age gap.

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Guest Jonathan Doeble   
Guest Jonathan Doeble

Before you read on, please know that this can be a very touchy situation.

 

Now then. My feelings for my first cousin have grown as strong as my first crush in 9th grade. A strong love that I was sure I wouldn't feel unless I tried really hard to find.

Here's the story. Family comes to visit after 5 years of limited contact, excited to see them and catch up and all that. I get to know them all and find out that one particular person I knew 5 years ago wasn't the same AT ALL! I find out we have pretty much everything in common, pretty much a female version of me. Now, I'm thinking that we're going to get along very well and have made a new best friend. Nothing even remotely romantic happened... until about 6 days pass. We now know each other very well since we've shared many stories, conversations and spent a lot of time playing videogames together. Now the flirting begins. She begins acting quite unusual and is comfortable getting very close to me. Putting an arm around me or leaning her head on my shoulder. Of course since we're cousins my first thought is that she is naturally like this and is simply comfortable being herself. But I see that she only does it with me as more time passes. I realized that girls I used to date in school acted the same way more or less like prolonged eye contact and laughing a lot at my jokes when they weren't that funny. (And I do a lot of joking around) However, I graduated a year ago and doubted my ability to read the ladies.

Now a month passes. (they decided to move in a house a few miles away) The more I think about how much fun we have together, since we share many common interests(something previous relationships have lacked), combined with how she flirts and behaves with me, the more I begin to have stronger feelings for her. But here's the problem, and some may think it's truly disgusting, she's six years younger than me. I'm nineteen... I'M STARTING TO FALL IN LOVE WITH MY THIRTEEN YEAR OLD COUSIN. 

I'm not sure how to feel about myself. I would feel guilty of being a pedophile but I'm not attracted to young girls. I just think her personality is great and the fact that we're basically soul mates prevents me from just saying "okay, she's way too young for you, drop it". She is someone I really enjoy spending time with and she tells me the same. If I were 26 and she were 20 I'd only worry about how were cousins in love. But to be 19 and she 13 is frowned upon greatly and I don't know what to do. I wish to just be her awesome cousin to hang with but being so alike in every way... it's hard not to fall in love.

I could use some help.

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Ambra_Flows    4

If you read the many posts here, you'll learn about how difficult cousin-romance can be.  Because the families are usually against it.  If your families get wind of a 19-year-old with a 13-year-old, it will cause a lot of problems.  

You will have to use some self-discipline and stay away from her, because she is too young.  Get your education and your career goals right, so that you can support yourself and her perhaps some day, as if you did get together even later on, you might need to do that with all of the fussing that your families would do.  For now, keep your life, and your dating life, away from her.

And by the way, falling in love is a decision.  If you Google "is falling in love a decision" you'll get results to that effect.  And this means you can also decide not to fall in love.  She is way too young, and nothing but trouble can come from you pursuing her.

Sorry, it's hard, but that's the wisest thing to do.

Ambra

Edited by Ambra_Flows
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MissPrice    19

Ambra's right, she's just too young. In most places (certainly all 50 states in the US), you are legally an adult, and she is legally a child, so it's not just "frowned upon" for you to have a relationship with her, there are serious legal consequences that could put you in prison for years and on a sexual offender registry for life, regardless of how she feels about you. That's not something to mess around with. 

When you are 26 and she is 20, you can always revisit this. Life is long. If you're soulmates, that will be the time to pursue something. Right now, even if you're soulmates, it's definitely not.

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LadyC    99

i'll put it less eloquently. she's still a CHILD. you, on the other hand, are an adult. you need to keep yourself as far away from her as you possibly can so that you avoid temptation... and jail.

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RIVA    2

You wouldn't be a pedophile  if you have feelings ONLY for your cousin, but ... to the law you would be considered one, since she is a minor and you aren't. So, keep going with your life, treat her as your cousin when you see her.If you both are meant to be together, you will be later on, there's a right time for it.

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Serendipity    68

RIVA: I hate that you mentioned the word pedophile.  Pedophilia is a serious, psychiatric disorder and is bantered about much, much too freely.  And whether the inappropriate feelings are ONLY for a cousin is irrelevant. The law would not label him a pedophile - the law could prosecute for statutory rape, a charge that does not mean you are a pedophile and not all rapists of young girls are necessarily pedophiles. 

This is NOT a case of pedophelia.  This is a case of a young man who has feelings for a younger cousin.  In a few years, the age differences will be a non-issue.  But for now, his feelings, if acted upon, can have some serious repercussions.

 

Jonathan Doeble:  You are in a pickle right now.  You MUST NOT continue to be flirtatious with your cousin.  Your feelings are not disgusting, but to act upon them right now can be a very serious matter.  The two of you are in very different stages of life and the differences are much too large.  For now, you need to back away, focus on your job and/or school and spend time with peers your own age.  Perhaps getting out with friends your own age will help keep you thoughts away from this young girl.

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RIVA    2

Serendipity: I am pretty sure I picked the word from the main post, but I totally agree with you but you just said it in different words than me. Just to be clear, I didn't mean that he's a pedophile but he could get in trouble. That's why I added for him to continue with HIS life and by "meant to be" I meant .... maybe in their 21-27's when they both have their lives "figured out" and legal.

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