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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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RIVA

I told my parents. Things went as expected.

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RIVA    2

Today my cousin/bf anf I agreed that we would be each telling our parents about our relationship. 

This is from his side: he told them that he is having a relationship with me,  there's nothing wrong with it and they knew before hand that he was not  having kids at all and to not blame me for that. Basically that was it. His mother cried thinking she did something wrong but at the end they told him that he is old enough to choose and that he should be thinking the consequences really carefully. To not rush. And something along the lines of choosing me wisely because I am a troubled girl. His mom at some point told him that the only thing she cared about was his happiness. 

From my side. Different story. I gave them a written letter to each, knowing how they would be reacting, and waited for the devil to come loose.
-- My dad told me he couldn't even finish reading it, he was so sad. But he told me to think things well  and try to get the job he's picking for me. Everybody makes mistakes but I'm still on time to leave him and make it like it never happened, he also thinks this is a way for me to punish them for not being there for me when younger...
-- My mom is not approving it at all. She says it is Satan's work that God allowed it to happen. It is less worse if I was dating a hit man. Repeated "leave him" like 20x. From all the people in the world,  why that man? He is taking advantage of my "vulnerable" situation. Blames herself. That this is all wrong. She asked if I was having sex with him and since when we're having the relationship but I didn't answer to any of those questions and some others. But she knows that this has some time happening.... I asked her how does she know this is not what her God wants?  She says she just knows, this is Satan's work. I'm leaning towards Atheism Gnosticism but damn, I am wishing so bad to believe in that devil...
-- My aunt, who is like my second mom, told Me she was nobody to judge but I had so much potential to do other things in life and meet somebody else and be happy (according to her I'm not happy) but that she would respect my criteria.

I have zero support from my family. absolutely nobody. It hurts. It hurts even tho I know that any choice would have been disapproved, no matter what. 

Never did they ask about my feelings. They made assumptions about everything. She thinks that absolutely everybody will know, but they would know because of her. 

My mom wants to talk on the phone to my cousin/bf. We don't know if that's a good idea so we are wondering what would you recommend us to do or how to proceed. Thanks for reading.

Note: I wrote it last night on my phone so I corrected some grammar and added a few more things. 

 

Thank you for reading me.

Edited by RIVA

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LadyC    98

i'm so sorry :( 

on the bright side, the initial shock and anger will probably subside at some point. as for your mom (or was it your aunt?) wanting to talk to your cousin/bf, i'd recommend against it at this point. they've said what they have to say. the only thing she could possibly have to say to your bf would be negative... she probably thinks she can reason with him to break up with you. 

stand firm. you're doing nothing wrong, and you have the right as an adult to be happy, even if it disappoints others.

and for the record, your mom is wrong. this is not of satan. God didn't just "allow" cousin marriage in the bible, He commanded it many times for various people. we have a whole page in our info section about that, complete with scriptures.

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RIVA    2

Well. Today my brother talked to me.  he thinks is a rebellious phase or a way to punish my parents. That it isn't love at all. thatI should open myself to get help.

My mom saysthat god commanded cousin marriage back then because the genes were not corrupted. They were more pure. But now we are impure as humanity. 

I have a long way to go. Very long one. Almost endless. But now I'm at peace. 

They might be throwing a temper  tantrum right now and they are not very good at communicating. so I hope things will get better some day. 

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LadyC    98

your mom's view is shared by lots of people... but it's incorrect. for one thing, what God commands, He doesn't just change His mind about. for another, that theory assumes that the population of the world was very tiny. it wasn't. the number of hebrews (God's people) who were alive at the time of the exodus was over 2.5 million... and they weren't scattered over the earth, they were all in one large group. that is double the population of dallas texas... or tijuana mexico. so that is like if you lived in dallas or tijuana and the mayor ordering you to marry only your cousin. within that city.

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RIVA    2

It is set in her mind that in those days, the culture was different and the genes were not corrupted. 

So far, these days have been ... okay?.

Nobody has made any remark about it. They told me to just think about it before making an irreversible decision. I am not moving out with him yet but now I am confused as for what to do next. If bringing up the subject or not. 

I'll have the house for myself this weekend, so that would give me some time to think... I guess.

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pooch    17

Got it.
Let your mom think what she thinks. Do not try to argue or answer back. Otherwise, it will just fuel up unnecessary arguments. You do not need to "prove yourself" over this or that. You know what is important? Your boyfriend.
Ask him about your plans..Ask him about your situation.. Tell him that you want to move out or does he plan to move out?
What are your plans, pretty much? How old are you guys by the way?

Sorry if I got a lot of questions. I hope it gets better. I will keep a tab on this thread. Update often. We are here for yah. :)

 

Pooch

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pooch    17
1 hour ago, RIVA said:

It is set in her mind that in those days, the culture was different and the genes were not corrupted. 

So far, these days have been ... okay?.

Nobody has made any remark about it. They told me to just think about it before making an irreversible decision. I am not moving out with him yet but now I am confused as for what to do next. If bringing up the subject or not. 

I'll have the house for myself this weekend, so that would give me some time to think... I guess.

During this weekend, have a serious talk with your boyfriend/cousin. Set some timeframe so you two can plan on what's the best that can be done. Don't bring the issue up until they do. Live normally. 

I know that your mom is totally against it so don't overly (I mean blatantly) flash your boyfriend or this situation in her face. Take it slow. You have to take care of your mom. You have to take care of your parents. I don't know how close you are to them but they are family. And so you gotta take care of them. After all, your she will be your bf's in-laws in the future. And so it will be wise not to ignite more fire but diffuse it as much as you can. 

At the same time, you gotta talk to your bf and update him on whatever that is happening, whatever it is that you are feeling and whatever that comes up on your mind. Remember that your relationship is no longer secret and so you are free to text him or mention him in the household (for this I am envy of you. lol) from time to time, once in a while. But be careful of not overly doing it as it can hurt your mother. Slowly and surely, she will get your feelings and your intentions with your cousin.

What do you think?


Pooch

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RIVA    2
hace 13 horas, pooch dijo:

Got it.
Let your mom think what she thinks. Do not try to argue or answer back. Otherwise, it will just fuel up unnecessary arguments. You do not need to "prove yourself" over this or that. You know what is important? Your boyfriend.
Ask him about your plans..Ask him about your situation.. Tell him that you want to move out or does he plan to move out?
What are your plans, pretty much? How old are you guys by the way?

Sorry if I got a lot of questions. I hope it gets better. I will keep a tab on this thread. Update often. We are here for yah. :)

 

Pooch

Yep, I basically let her do all the talk the day she found out "for sure". (according to her, she already knew). So far I have not brought up the subject yet.

We are both 26. He knows entirely what's going on. He is living in another city, different from his natal city due to his job, but sooner or later he has to go back, get another project and maybe move out maybe not. So far there are no plans of him permanently moving out to another city. I am going to star studying to get a degree this year (hopefully).

-"We are here for yah"- And thanks!

 

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pooch    17
6 hours ago, RIVA said:

Yep, I basically let her do all the talk the day she found out "for sure". (according to her, she already knew). So far I have not brought up the subject yet.

We are both 26. He knows entirely what's going on. He is living in another city, different from his natal city due to his job, but sooner or later he has to go back, get another project and maybe move out maybe not. So far there are no plans of him permanently moving out to another city. I am going to star studying to get a degree this year (hopefully).

-"We are here for yah"- And thanks!

 

You don't need to bring up the subject again...coz you already did! And you did it big time as a matter of fact. lol. Let her bring up the subject again the next time. But in the meantime, be a good daughter to your mom and dad. :)

I see. At least he got plans for both of you already. :) I read the previous threads and it seems like you are currently looking for work and in the present establishing yourself. I agree with Serendipity that you should have kept it hush hush. Coz it's definitely not the time! But then I guess my post came too late. lol. The cat is already out of the bag. 

Well, well, well... What can we do? You gotta get out of the house pretty quick. I am suggesting a year (maybe two) of discomfort between you and your mom. But then you are 26 years old so get any job at this point. Seriously! Be it Mcdonalds, waitress or whatever. You gotta have something -- because your relationship is difficult so don't put an additional burden on it. The goal is to keep you busy and be 'out of the house' so to speak. That will give you fresh air and some time to think. The more you stay in the house, the toxic it can get pretty quick... 

And being just by yourself with zero support from family except for your boyfriend can make you feel alone. I mean, how much more when you guys fight?! Have you thought about this!? I'm not trying to scare you -- but you gotta take on something for the meantime just to get something on your hands. Then when the right job comes up, you can be ready for another decision with your boyfriend..

In my experience, it took me years...and that is because I love my girlfriend/cousin. I love my parents and family. Sometimes, you pretty much just needs to pick your battles. :) But if your boyfriend has plans for both of you, make sure you ask him two important things:

1. How and When

2. Challenge him respectfully

So that both of you can move forward peacefully. :) 

 

Pooch

PS: If you find that spending time in the forum takes a lot of your time, just drop by once a week and that will be good. lol. As much as we would want you to update us or whatever in the forum, I personally would want you to get out of the house by looking for work and stuff, finding yourself, and figuring out stuff with your bf. The next weeks are pretty critical to both of you so keep communications open. ;)

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RIVA    2
On 2017-5-5 at 15:03, pooch dijo:

You don't need to bring up the subject again...coz you already did! And you did it big time as a matter of fact. lol. Let her bring up the subject again the next time. But in the meantime, be a good daughter to your mom and dad. :)... 

I can't really be a good daughter. Never been. Never was. Not like they were good patents either... I know that I don't owe them any thing consciously since they were the ones who decided to have me and therefore they have that obligation towards their kids but subconsciously I crave for that emotional support that was never given to me.  there were some factor that made us rush the decision in our lives but I don't want to expose them. 

 

I am so heart broken. We found out that my parents are making plans to separate us but we don't know exactly. What is going on.  Btw I live in Mexico. 

Edited by RIVA

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RIVA    2

I just feel so frustrated that they are going behind my back. Even tho it shouldn't be a surprise.they always done that. 

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pooch    17
On 5/10/2017 at 9:59 PM, RIVA said:

I can't really be a good daughter. Never been. Never was. Not like they were good patents either... I know that I don't owe them any thing consciously since they were the ones who decided to have me and therefore they have that obligation towards their kids but subconsciously I crave for that emotional support that was never given to me.  

You are bitter. And from the sound of it, I think your relationship to your parents, especially to your mom is irrepairable. :( That is sad. But I guess you have to live that way. It's just that I find that your life would be easier if your parents are at least neutral if not only slightly against your relationship. Otherwise, if  you plan on going long term with your cousin-boyfriend, you will have a very difficult road ahead, my friend.... I mean, you are still living under their roof. I fear that, oh boy, it can get toxic pretty quickly. I am a Filipino so I may be able to little bit relate to you culturewise, I dunno. But for sure your boyfriend needs to double his effort in stepping up; otherwise, there will come a point when you yourself will give up. I am telling you that this will happen based from my experience... And so either drop the entire thing and break up  with him while it is still early or you gotta figure out a way that you can go on and everyone involved will be amicable... You know what I'm sayin?

Quote

there were some factor that made us rush the decision in our lives but I don't want to expose them.

I am so heart broken. We found out that my parents are making plans to separate us but we don't know exactly. What is going on.  Btw I live in Mexico.  

Uh-oh.. You are not telling us that you are pregnant, aren't you?

 

On 5/10/2017 at 10:01 PM, RIVA said:

I just feel so frustrated that they are going behind my back. Even tho it shouldn't be a surprise.they always done that. 

Let them talk amongst themselves. Who cares. But what does your boyfriend say about all of these? That's what's important. Have you talked to him? If you do, what was your feeling afterwards?

 

 

Pooch

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Guest amerobie   
Guest amerobie

how long have you been together? dont worry i have the same status as you are both, only my gf is giving up on us....

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RIVA    2
hace 9 horas, Guest amerobie dijo:

how long have you been together? dont worry i have the same status as you are both, only my gf is giving up on us....

A few days ago was our 1st anniversary.

 

hace 22 horas, pooch dijo:

You are bitter. And from the sound of it, I think your relationship to your parents, especially to your mom is irrepairable. :( That is sad. But I guess you have to live that way. It's just that I find that your life would be easier if your parents are at least neutral if not only slightly against your relationship. Otherwise, if  you plan on going long term with your cousin-boyfriend, you will have a very difficult road ahead, my friend.... I mean, you are still living under their roof. I fear that, oh boy, it can get toxic pretty quickly. I am a Filipino so I may be able to little bit relate to you culturewise, I dunno. But for sure your boyfriend needs to double his effort in stepping up; otherwise, there will come a point when you yourself will give up. I am telling you that this will happen based from my experience... And so either drop the entire thing and break up  with him while it is still early or you gotta figure out a way that you can go on and everyone involved will be amicable... You know what I'm sayin?

Uh-oh.. You are not telling us that you are pregnant, aren't you?

 

Let them talk amongst themselves. Who cares. But what does your boyfriend say about all of these? That's what's important. Have you talked to him? If you do, what was your feeling afterwards?

 

 

Pooch

- Hey Pooch, I don't consider myself bitter, although life circumstances have shaped my view of things in a way that is not very well accepted for most people. I was just talking to a friend whose parents are like mine and we have lived through very similar circumstances and said something important "seems like your parents are just complaining about you and not really making an effort to improve the situation, when I  confronted my mom about X issues she started changing the way she talked and approached to me but your parents are still the same as before"... So, making some introspection, I am ready to just move out from their house very soon (I am looking for a place that is not my BF's house for my own sake and also jobs) and maybe they might start seeing me as an adult and not a baby girl they can control. If later on they decide not to genuinely love and respect me, then who knows. 
- Nope, I am not pregnant.
- Of course I have talked to my BF! He is respecting my decisions to not to interfere between me and my parents, giving his opinion only when I ask him to, and keeping me grounded in this whole situation. He is also willing to support me no matter what I choose to do.

-"you gotta figure out a way that you can go on and everyone involved will be amicable" About this... We have also talked about it and we can´t figure anything yet, but we are on it. 

I forgot.... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE AND INTEREST! Hopefully next time I post here I will be in a better spot :)

Edited by RIVA

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Guest amerobie   
Guest amerobie

thats nice, me and my gf/cous/ idk if we are exes now, been together for almost 13 years...it will work out for the best, if both of you will fight for your each, in the end they will accept you both, wishing you all the best

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pooch    17
On 5/12/2017 at 8:35 PM, RIVA said:

- Hey Pooch, I don't consider myself bitter, although life circumstances have shaped my view of things in a way that is not very well accepted for most people. I was just talking to a friend whose parents are like mine and we have lived through very similar circumstances and said something important "seems like your parents are just complaining about you and not really making an effort to improve the situation, when I  confronted my mom about X issues she started changing the way she talked and approached to me but your parents are still the same as before"... So, making some introspection, I am ready to just move out from their house very soon (I am looking for a place that is not my BF's house for my own sake and also jobs) and maybe they might start seeing me as an adult and not a baby girl they can control. If later on they decide not to genuinely love and respect me, then who knows. 
- Nope, I am not pregnant.
- Of course I have talked to my BF! He is respecting my decisions to not to interfere between me and my parents, giving his opinion only when I ask him to, and keeping me grounded in this whole situation. He is also willing to support me no matter what I choose to do.

-"you gotta figure out a way that you can go on and everyone involved will be amicable" About this... We have also talked about it and we can´t figure anything yet, but we are on it. 

I forgot.... THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL YOUR ADVICE AND INTEREST! Hopefully next time I post here I will be in a better spot :)

Thanks for the update! :) As long as you know what you are doing and I think you are headed to the right direction for yourself. :) 

Best Regards,

Pooch

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