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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Cotinmiddle

need advice with my girlfriend my first cousin

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Guest Cotinmiddle   
Guest Cotinmiddle

My partner is in love with her first cousin. They are close, very very close and they think I don't know. Or maybe they don't care that I know, because I have mentioned it before both blatantly and subtly. She left with me to another state but only two hours away. She told him while we were at his house that we were getting married. He did not congratulate us at all, he seemed very disappointed. As soon as we were about to move, he had a new girlfriend out of nowhere. My fiance is very obviously, extremely jealous of her. Her cousin and his new girlfriend just got married (all within less than 8 months) and now her cousin and his new wife are having a baby together. My fiance is incredibly jealous of this. She asked him to come down for her birthday this month but he said no as he has to save up for his family now. When we would hang out with him he acted very jealous of me, would sit overly close to her with his arm around her as a boyfriend would do. The chemistry between them was overly obvious and undeniable. You can't hide that sort of thing. Also, her last partner divorced her accusing her cousin and her of sleeping together and kicked them both out. So although she denies it and will continue to till her grave, the truth is horrifically shoved in my face. In all honesty I say, society should not ban cousin marriages because if my fiance was allowed to love her cousin without social stigmatism I wouldn't be here wasting my time with her. They would be together and would be happy and that would be that. I'm all about true love. And if that means with cousin on cousin or gays or siblings then fine. As long as people are happy. True love is such a beautiful idea and if people can find it in each other who cares about taboo boundaries set by society. I don't think related couples should reproduce because down the line it has genetic problems which includes mental health issues which ultimately without proper diagnosis and pharmaceuticals can ruin lives. I am personally a product of inbreeding, I have learning disabilities and have been diagnosed with six mental disorders. I have suffered self medicating with alcohol and drug abuse and gotten clean and back on the right track finally, but I just turned 28 and still don't have a high school diploama thanks to my learning disabilities and mental disorders. I've had trouble holding onto jobs, I've been homeless, I've been in a street gang and done horrible things in my early twenties. I'm on the right track now because I found a woman I love and left the drama in my past. Except that over the past two years I can't help but notice this romance between the woman I love and her cousin. It breaks my heart and makes me blood thirsty at times but I try to be understanding because I'm very fond of the thought of true love. I hope it's a real thing, and if my fiance and her cousin could have it together I'd prefer they do even though it would mean she leaves me behind. She just never wanted to leave me, it's like; she wanted me and wanted him as her side thing and he wanted more. I tried to leave her before over it but she threatened suicide if I left her and knowing her mental state I did not put it past her. I couldn't live with it if she really did hurt herself. If anybody has any advice for me I'd be so incredibly appreciative to hear it! 

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LadyC    98

wow. where do i start with this? 

the amount of understanding and compassion you have towards your fiancee and her cousin is admirable... but why the heck would you want to marry someone who is so obviously in love with another man? you can be empathetic without putting yourself in a position to be used and abused emotionally!

i think it's great that you don't care about social taboos, and believe that society should abandon those. but your assertion that related couples, if you are including cousins, should not reproduce because it will create genetic issues down the line is exactly the reason that society will likely never abandon the taboo. because deep down, they believe a lot of misinformation, just as you do.

cousin marriage does not necessarily lead to genetic problems or mental health issues. in fact, the FACTS are that less than 3% of cousin couples are going to pass on any sort of disability. i could break it down and explain it to you, but we have two pages in our info section about genetics that i hope you'll take the time to read. it cites sources. it lays it out in an easy to read format with graphs and things, so your learning disabilities should not be an impediment.

the problems you've faced with addiction and homelessness are NOT a result of inbreeding. they are a result of choices you have made. there is some science that might indicate that addictive behavior can be hereditary, but ZERO evidence that it could be a result of consanguinity... meaning that if your parents were addicts, it might influence you to be more genetically prone to addictive behavior, but that has nothing to do with whether they are related or not. and even if you are genetically more prone to addictive behavior, the fact that you have struggled with substances is still YOUR responsibility... you made the choice to use substances. and that poor decision very likely led to some of your other problems, like homelessness. and gang activity. and things like that fed other problems... including mental illness issues. i'm guessing some of those include impulse control, depression, anxiety, bi-polar or anger contol problems. those aren't a result of genetics, they're a result of your choices.

and you are defining yourself by your learning disabilities, blaming those disabilities (and inbreeding) for the fact that you didn't finish school. well here's the thing... learning disabilities are often more a result of what we ingest than it is of genetics. most people today have some sort of learning disability... or multiple. one of my daughters is diagnosed with learning disabilities and mental disorders... her father is not related to me. my other daughter has also been diagnosed with mental disorders. here's the thing... most disorders in learning or mental health can be controlled through specialized diet. that means that most of those are a result of the crap we feed ourselves these days. pre-processed foods from cardboard boxes... genetically modified meat and produce... the pesticides that are used in agriculture are the biggest threat to our mental health today. not cousin marriage. and i'm not saying this because i'm one of those tree hugging fanatics. i am a huge fan of buying whatever is cheapest... and it's rarely organic, unless it happens to be reduced for quick sale.

now let's talk about your fiancee's suicide threats. that is the result of either her manipulation of you or because of her own serious mental health issues that need to be addressed by a professional. people tend to gravitate towards people whose mental health is just as impaired as their own. in any case, allowing her to bring you down is not going to help her at all... and if you leave her and she commits suicide, it's not because YOU caused it, it is because she didn't get the professional help she needed. but you need to recognize and understand, too, that very often, suicide threats are a manipulation tactic used against someone else in order to get that person to do what the other wants them to do... in this case, she wants you to stay with her because she doesn't want to be alone... and she knows that threatening suicide is exactly the kind of emotional blackmail that will make you stay and be her doormat. that isn't a healthy relationship. it's an abusive one. and you're the target.

so my advice to you is simply this.

1) ditch the girlfriend

2) get some mental health support for yourself... if you can't afford it or get it through medicaid, then seek some through a church. many churches offer counseling for free or on a sliding scale. or go to the county health office and ask for a referral.

3) get your GED. you can study at your own pace, but it will bolster your self esteem and also help you to secure a job.

4) stop ditching responsibility for your own personal choices in life, and recognize that the choices you make determine whether you keep a job, keep an apartment, keep a healthy relationship with a woman. i'm not saying this to put you down, i'm saying it to build you up. when you start owning your actions, you will start learning to make better decisions, and your life will become increasingly more fulfilling. so stop letting your "disabilities" define who you are, and letting those 'disabilities' excuse your behavior.  start writing your own story. one with a happier ending than what you're settling for.

5) educate yourself about genetic risks to cousin couples... not because you have a personal need for it, but because it can give you peace of mind about your own family history. and because your knowledge, combined with your compassion and empathy for others, can be used to help other couples. know this about yourself... that compassion and empathy is a gift! it's a beautiful thing! what wonderful qualities to have! but also understand that there are people in the world who will take advantage of those gifts and qualities... and not necessarily because they're mean and want to take advantage... they may not even know they're doing it. and then those gifts can become a heavy weight for you to carry... like they are right now. lighten your load! you can have empathy without allowing it to drag you down. it is OK to say "no".

 

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RIVA    2

I just want to say that the way you write about your girlfriend and her cousin is so nice. Anybody could tell really easily that you truly love her and care bout her, but care about yourself first.

...Also, I'd like to add that any couple, related or not, apparently normal or not should take a genetic test and even a psychological test before having kids, not everybody is suitable to be a parent. 

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pooch    17

LadyC,

wow. where do i start with this?

Yes! Where should we start from this? :o

Anyhow, my answer would be quite entirely different as I have very high regard for marriage. As soon as you mentioned that her cousin already married another girl?? And that even all the more they have a baby!? For me, it's pretty much case closed....know what I'm saying? but that's just me.

 

Pooch

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