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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest GlassHouses

How long should I give it?

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Guest GlassHouses   
Guest GlassHouses

I have been in a relationship with my first cousin once removed (second cousin? Not sure) ... For about 3 months. When we first started, we were acting on an attraction that we both have for each other, with the understanding that no one could ever know about it, for fear of how families would react.  However, it isn't a totally sexual relationship; we really do enjoy each other's company and we don't have sex every time we get together. There is a real bond there beyond just the physical that we both admit to feeling. Real feelings have started to develop, though he plays his emotions close to the vest and has admitted to "pushing feelings down" because of the situation and uncertainty of reactions. Keeping emotions in check isbalsobpaer of his general make up, and job (public safety). I, on the other hand, am much more in tune with my emotions and I was starting to feel uncomfortable living this "double life." I have told two friends and two family members...reaction with friends was non issue...reaction with family was surprise at first and then acceptance. He hasn't told anyone. Not a soul..,and is still reluctant to do so. And even though we have agreed not to date others while we're working through this, I told him an arrangement like this can't go on forever. We can't keep hiding out at his place.  He realizes this and is truly conflicted with what to do. I have given him the "out" more than once and he said he doesn't want things to end. I don't want to pressure him and I don't want to give him an ultimatum.  But I'm at the point of saying "I'm willing to deal with whatever reactions there are...but the thought of telling people and what their potential reactions would be makes him cringe. I get that, but I also have to look out for my best interest...so how long would you give something like this, waiting until the other is comfortable (if it ever happens??)  It's only been 3 months....so...six?  A year??

Jas anyone experienced anything similar??

Thank you!!

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RIVA    2

There is no real time set.
Here's a post from a similar question link
And this is something I asked, also related to your question link

But, according to what you are explaining in your post, it's not the right time for you to come out as a couple.

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Serendipity    68

You are already tired of being the forbidden fruit, so I must respectfully disagree with RIVA.  The time is now for the two of you to figure out how you are going to move forward.  

Here's the thing; you can hold off telling family until the two of you are sure you want to be exclusive.  There's no reason to upset the apple cart until you know that there is something worthwhile to defend.  And friends don't really need to know your cousin status; unless they are already aware of it, why bring it up?  It's really a non-issue for other's knowledge.

It seems to me that you need to find out just how serious he is about this relationship.As a general rule, people who are in love, or who have the potential to be in love, don't want to hide from the world. Are you sure that he wants a real relationship with you and that the tabboo of a cousin romance isn't making this rendezvous with you feel forbidden and therefore exciting?  You most definitely need to figure out with him what the near future of your relationship is going to look like.  I would hate to hear that you waited another 3 months for him to make a decision and then look back and say that you wasted 6 months of your life.

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Guest GlassHouses   
Guest GlassHouses

Thank you for your advice.  I told him that I couldn't go another 3 or more months as a secret, and asked if he could see himself starting to tell some people. He couldn't give me an answer right then. Said it still felt uncomfortable for him. So I told him I had to stop, for my own well being. I wasn't asking him to guarantee the future, but simply if we were on the same path to eventually go public. Its something neither of us considered going into this, but my mind changed after I told a few people and I started to think, "hmm...maybe it's not so crazy after all..."  For everyone who says "there are plenty of fish in the sea," believe me....it's hard to find someone you're so compatible with. He was reluctant to say goodbye and said he didn't want to lose me...said maybe we just back off a little until he figures out what he wants. I told him fine, but that we can't have any contact...it would be too hard; I would be getting my hopes up every time we talked. So...that's where we left it...he has texted a couple of times; I've responded, but not continued any kind of conversation. If he needs space, he's got it....and if it's meant to be, it will be I guess. But it's sad. 

Thank you for this forum. 

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