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Guest confused cousin

My cousin thinks it's wrong, but I don't

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Guest confused cousin   
Guest confused cousin

My cousin and I have had feelings for each other for a few years now. I can't speak for him, but I'd always admired him in a different way- even when I was younger. With him being a handful of years older I doubt he has felt that way for as long as I have, but maybe five years ago he and I started spending a lot more time together and had a particularly close evening that ended up with us holding each other, talking about how badly we wanted to kiss, and then chalking it up to being lonely and having drank too much. It felt like more than that to me and I believed it did for him as well, but given the social stigma neither of us felt like we could act on it.

After that we spent less time in person together and inevitably ended up talking less when he met someone, but the moment has come up a few times in conversations between us. He has said things to me that made me wonder if he still thinks about it and he has reached out to me about how unhappy he is/ how little he feels understood by others. 

Yesterday we saw each other for the first time in about a year, and were alone for the first time since...maybe that night five years ago. I'm attracted to him and had missed him and couldn't help but feel like that was mutual between us. We had the option of splitting ways early or spending the evening together out, and when we made the decision to go out it felt intentional. It felt like both of us wanted things to feel like and end up where they did all those years ago, and that's exactly what happened. The night ended similarly, with us holding each other and talking about how badly we wanted to kiss each other...but this time we went for it. We didn't have sex, but it was intimate. We kissed and touched, and nothing else existed for awhile. 

The struggle I'm having now is that while I don't necessarily expect us to be together, I'm hurting so badly because I feel like last night was amazing and he feels disgusted and like something is wrong with him. When we stopped kissing last night he got visibly upset and told me he felt like dying. It crushed me. I don't know what to do to make him not feel that way about it. I don't want him to think that caring about me and wanting me makes him some made whoopie up person. We are two expectional people who rarely feel close to and understood by others. I love that I have that with him and I want him to find it that comforting too.

I guess if I'm being honest though, I would be with him. At the very least I want more of that with him. I don't want last night to be the last time we ever have that experience together and I desperately want him to feel the same way I do. With that said, I'm not sure we can be in each other's lives without having those feelings for each other. We barely spoke for five years and then as soon as we had time alone we fell right into that same place together. 

I don't know what to do. Part of me thinks that if he's uncomfortable I shouldn't push it, and I should let our communication fade and then make sure we are never alone together. What I want to do is tell him I've been reading about cousin relationships all day and can't stop thinking about how good it felt to be with him last night. 

Anyway, I needed to vent and couldn't tell anyone else. I'm mostly using this forum for that reason. Life is cruel. I envy all of you who have made relationships work with the person you love, and it has been very comforting for me to know how not-alone I am in this. 

 

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Justaman    3

I envy all of them too. I love my cousin. I'm actually visiting her now, I know she likes me and loves me, but thinks it's weird for us to be together. I feel like I'm dying in the inside. It hurts to breath, and I can barley eat, when I take her out I force myself, and feel sick after. It sucks, but maybe one day it'll all be ok

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MissPrice    19

Confused cousin - did you ask him, or did he tell you what exactly upset him so much? It's an important question, because there are a lot of misconceptions about cousin relationships out there (like you can't have children together, the bible forbids it, etc.). I just wonder if talking about it might make him more open to the idea. When my cousin and I first kissed, we initially agreed it could never be a thing. Now we're married, and our family and friends are aware of and accept our relationship. If you don't believe that's a possibility though - to have a fairly normal life together - the attraction can be really scary. 

It's a tough place for you to be. I empathize, and I hope whatever happens, things work out well for you.

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Serendipity    68
On 5/20/2017 at 1:09 PM, Guest confused cousin said:

What I want to do is tell him I've been reading about cousin relationships all day and can't stop thinking about how good it felt to be with him last night

You should tell him!

I was much like your cousin until a few years ago.  The chemistry between my cuz and I was palpable and I was too scared to take a chance for many, many years.  Like you, my cuz and I had an intimate moment a few years back and I was the scared one - the one who wouldn't cross that line.  Eventually I realized that there was something real between us and took a chance on a romance; we got married last year.

If you don't talk about this you may spend the rest of your life wondering "What if?".  Don't do that to yourself.  At least have the conversation.  

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Justaman    3
12 hours ago, Serendipity said:

You should tell him!

I was much like your cousin until a few years ago.  The chemistry between my cuz and I was palpable and I was too scared to take a chance for many, many years.  Like you, my cuz and I had an intimate moment a few years back and I was the scared one - the one who wouldn't cross that line.  Eventually I realized that there was something real between us and took a chance on a romance; we got married last year.

If you don't talk about this you may spend the rest of your life wondering "What if?".  Don't do that to yourself.  At least have the conversation.  

I think that's whats happening with my cousin. I think she is scared. I've told her how I feel and she gives me hints of wanting more, but then when we do something a little more romantic, she closes up. How long did it take you to get over the fear? To finally let yourself go.

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Serendipity    68

Oh Justaman, it took me waaayyy too many years from our first encounter.  About 10 years ago was the encounter where I just couldn't cross the line and I regretted that decision.  

In the end it worked out for us, but I really wish that we had come together sooner.

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