Jump to content
<?php echo esc_attr( get_bloginfo( 'name' ) ); ?>

The Benefits of Cousin Relationships


Recommended Posts

  • Old Timer

This is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, because I see so many people struggling with their feelings, and with how the world will/is responding. And I too struggled for years, and thought the idea of being with my cousin was impossible, and thought that if we were together, if by some chance he felt about me the way I felt about him, things would be impossibly hard.

We've been married for about two months now. At the very least, members of our family(ies) accept us, and some of them are very happy we're together. Our friends all know and accept us. We are very lucky, and our world is not going to be what everyone gets, but I've learned that there are some advantages to cousin relationships that most relationships don't have, and I want to share that, because I think a lot of you don't know that, and are scared and confused, and I want you to know that not only are cousin relationships NOT impossible, but there are some things that make them special.

So, for one thing. If/when your family accepts your relationship, here's a big plus: you are both invested in the same people. When our mutual grandmother (she just turned 87 and lives by herself) needs help, we are both right there to do everything we can. If one of us is more available than the other, that person spends the night at her house. If she's not feeding herself right, we both remind her of that, and if one of us decides to buy her nutritional supplements out of our grocery fund, the other one is happy about that. This is our family. We take care of them, and we both know why, and we both agree on that.

Related, if there is a disagreement in the family, we send in the one of us who is best positioned to handle it. So, my husband/cousin's mother's husband (no relation to either of us) emailed the family saying he thought we should all come together and force our grandmother (again, no relation of his) into assisted living. And we talked about how to respond, and in that case my husband/cousin handled it beautifully. And I'm the one who calls our grandmother at least once a week, and tells her we both love her, and checks in on how she's doing, because I'm better on the phone.

All of the above is about family, which is really important. But the personal is even more important. My husband/cousin and I saw each other a couple of times a year when we were kids. We didn't see each other for about ten years from adolescence to adulthood. After that, we saw each other again about twice a year, until I moved close to him and things got complicated. But at that point, I already knew him. I'd known him my whole life. We always talked freely about our relationships to each other. I watched him be a father to another woman's three girls, who weren't his, until she made it impossible for him. I knew what he would be like in a relationship before I was ever with him. I knew his strengths, and his flaws, just as he knew mine. And I knew that his strengths were exactly what I needed, and I knew that I complimented his flaws. I walked into this relationship knowing exactly what I was walking into, and loving him for who he is. 

To me, that's the most powerful potential about a cousin relationship. That you can know the other person, so well, on other terms, before you become romantically involved or commit to them. That's not something most people get to have.

Anyone who reads this and is struck by it, or anyone who is struggling with the possibility of a cousin relationship, please feel free to respond here, or to message me directly.

And for those of you who are in happy cousin relationships: anything to add?

  • Like 7
  • Upvote 3
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Administrator

i agree! and let me add this...

in most romantic relationships, both the guy and the girl will put on a mask... trying to be what they think the other person wants them to be. eventually that facade breaks down and you are stuck with the real person that you might not have known existed. in cousin relationships, most times you know each other as cousins, as real people, warts and all, before you begin having any romantic feelings. there is no mask to uncover. you get what you see from the very beginning. that's a huge plus.

and the family connection really can't be denied. when mark and i moved back to texas after a decade in las vegas, i had to (nearly immediately) go to florida for a few weeks while our grandson was born. mark was going through a really rough transition... things he had to overcome. quite frankly he was going through withdrawals. and then he failed a drug test which meant he didn't get the job that he'd been expecting to have when we moved back. and he was depressed and trying to find work, and i wasn't there. this is where our aunts stepped in. well, my aunts, his great aunts. my mom and three of her sisters were sharing an apartment and they rallied around him. they invited him over every day after his job search. they fed him meals. they gave him companionship. they gave him encouragement. they told him family stories he'd never heard before. they loved him unconditionally and never passed judgment on him, never criticized him, never made him feel bad. they were a HUGE part of his recovery, and i have no doubt that they were a big part in him being able to stay clean and sober for these last six years. 

and when, one by one each of them fell ill, he was right there with me, every step of the way. he didn't have to be. he'd barely known these ladies when he was growing up, because they were his father's aunts. but he'd become so close to them during that time when we'd moved back that he was very invested in their every need. my mother moved in with us and lived here with us for five years. mark would move heaven and earth for each of the aunts when they needed something done. if one needed to go to the hospital, he was there to take them. if one was frantically trying to hide in someone else's closet in the middle of the night at the nursing home she'd moved to, mark was dressed and ready to go help calm her and get her back to her own room, no matter what time of night, even when he had to work the next day. when my own mom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, my husband took three days off from work just to be here with her and help her adjust to the fact that she was dying. and he would sit up with her well into the night. he would take care of her as best he could. (which reminds me, years 15 years earlier he'd taken such good care of my father in much the same way, always being there to help if he had fallen or if he'd lost control of his bodily functions.. he would be there to take care of the things i was too squeamish to deal with). 

so yeah, there are a lot of awesome benefits to being married to someone who shares the same family. and i know that a lot of people in non-cousin marriages have spouses who would go above and beyond like that too, but they're few and far between. 

and here's one other thing, totally on a different subject. there's always a lot of fear regarding things that might be inherited because of the kinship. but many of the wealthiest families in history, even in america, (including the DuPont family, whose empire produces things that we find in nearly every aspect of our daily life, including our clothing and our carpet and our cookware, and kevlar for our military and police, etc.) the Factor family (think Max Factor Cosmetics), the Rockefellers (still big in government today) all understood that cousin marriage could STRENGTHEN the family bloodline because of desirable traits that would be passed down. in those families back in the early days cousin marriages were preferred. because the patriarchs of the family understood that. of course it also served to keep the money in the family. 

animal breeders understand that same concept that the rockefellers and duponts and factors understood. that's why horses and dogs are often bred with what would be called a cousin if it were humans instead of animals. cousins are far enough distant that deliterious genetic conditions can be recognized and identified (and therefore the pairing of those two avoided), and also that POSITIVE genetic traits (strength, endurance, speed, etc) can be identified and therefore purposely pairing those two to produce offspring with those desired traits.

and there's my two cents. now i'm going to sit down with the grandkids and watch a movie.

  • Like 1
  • Upvote 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • LadyC pinned this topic
  • Administrator

ps... i have pinned this to the top of this forum. thank you miss price for starting such an important discussion!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Its really nice to see someone having cases like mine actually succeeded in marriage with their cousin. Unlike here at the Philippines where cousin marriage is still forbidden, and if we try to get married on other countries, once we go back here it will be nullified, plus immigration costs will be so much pain for us. But then I realized, it's God not the papers, We trusts God that he will shower us the blessings of victory, we're putting all our faith to him, Please pray for our success. Thank you hehe, from here now on, we're claiming our VIctory!

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Soonerfreak

 I would definitely I would definitely like to talk to you about some questions that I have about this whole situation. I'm from the United States and my cousin is from the Philippines

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
  • 4 months later...
On 9/7/2017 at 3:27 PM, Cousin Lover said:

You know each other from day 1

Same family, you can share old memories with each other making good pillow talk☺. You know the mother-in-law. Cousins tend to be more fertile. 

Some famlies like to keep the blood line pure. 

Yes, old memories are some of our conversations too!  It’s ashamed society has to judge cousin relationships - I feel like it’s my business who I choose to love...  one thing we cannot control is our emotions!

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...
  • Old Timer

Edward, you might want to make a separate topic and share some more details, such as you and your cousin's ages, the country/region you live in, whether you are both single, whether you are both financially independent from your parents, etc. 

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

hi I'm so glad I found this forum as i feel so alone in my thoughts. I am 36 and my first cousin is 33. our father's are brothers? We didn't grow up together and only really met each other properly on a family night out 2 years ago. there was an instant connection witj us both which we both now admit. we have been seeing each other secretly for around 6 months and are madly in love. I cant tell my parents as i know they will disown me but he thinks if they see how happy we are they will come round but I know my parents And i know they won't. I dont know what to do as i cant lose my family but I can't lose him either. any advice from someone in a similar situation would be appreciated xx we live in the north of England and I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship x

Edited by Rachael
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Moderator

Rachael - you and your cousin are adults.  Cousins are legal in the UK.  You have the right to live your own life without getting permission from your parents.  I think your cousin is right.  It is scary but if I were in your position, I would rather be with my cousin.  

Do please let us know how things go with you.

HUGS

Nat

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 1 year later...
On 4/10/2018 at 10:56 AM, Edward said:

I'm in love with my cousin but I can't even tell her how I feel about her please help me with that 

It does make a difference what state you live in and how the other relatives feel.  But you must think of it as any other relationship.  She may or may not have the same feelings for you.  If she does, I say you are lucky and go for it.  Move to a state where you are accepted.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 4/16/2018 at 4:52 PM, Rachael said:

hi I'm so glad I found this forum as i feel so alone in my thoughts. I am 36 and my first cousin is 33. our father's are brothers? We didn't grow up together and only really met each other properly on a family night out 2 years ago. there was an instant connection witj us both which we both now admit. we have been seeing each other secretly for around 6 months and are madly in love. I cant tell my parents as i know they will disown me but he thinks if they see how happy we are they will come round but I know my parents And i know they won't. I dont know what to do as i cant lose my family but I can't lose him either. any advice from someone in a similar situation would be appreciated xx we live in the north of England and I have a 10 year old son from a previous relationship x

I was in a very similar boat. We had never met before I was 26 years old ! We both already had children from previous relationships and fell in love. hard. At first it was frightening. We hid it for 6 months or so. Then people started gradually catching on. We did go thru a rough spot of having to explain ourselves to our parents (dads are brothers) and everyone and then an awkward stage of a few of them kinda staying away... not really talking to us. And now... 2.5 years later we have all our families over for holidays. We talk to everyone regularly. Our relationship is no longer the focus of every conversation.  People just need time sometimes. And them SEEING you happy will help. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 4 months later...

I love my cousin but my family do not accept our relationship. They thinks its wrong because its rare for british people to marry a cousin but I love her I hold her hand under the table when we have a family get together. What can we do?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

Alrighty so, let’s start off with I’m only 15, and my second cousin is 17. I’ve always really admired him, and at family reunions he always taught me and my other cousins new cool things. I feel like on some level I’ve always liked him, even before I really understood that we were actually related, because I knew some very close family friends, so I thought he was the same. Now I know that’s not true, and we are cousins, but at least we’re second cousins. I just need advice on what to do about what I’m feeling for him. Do I act on it? Continue ignoring it? The issue is I highly doubt he feels ANYTHING remotely like I feel *screams super loudly into a pillow* please help 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • 2 months later...

Hi guys! For the very first time I'm talking on a public platform like this about my relationship. 

I and my paternal second cousin are in relationship from past 3 years. And v love each other immensely. I don't think in any condition our families will accept us. V r thinking to mk our careers best and stand in front of thm to apologise but also say that v want to b together. Please help how to deal with parents. Because i know they will threaten us by saying they'll die or something like this. V really want to b together. Please help. How to confess to thm 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I don’t know exactly how to post here! 
 

my cousin lives with me this is the second time she has. I asked her when she was not living with me if she would just sleep with me and let me hold her, she said yes, she came over a few times and stayed once i held her for a short time each time, she held my hand and interlocked fingers with me. After she moved back in we slept together a couple of times spooning me touching everywhere but inappropriate  Areas. She doesn’t talk about it much I asked if it was ok if I just stopped asking to come up stairs to her room and she said that was fine. We both have kids so it hard sometimes to wait tell there sleeping and get out before there up. We hug every morning before I leave for work and every evening when we both get home.  Do you think she wants more? Or what should I do if I want more? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
31 minutes ago, Fred0822 said:

I don’t know exactly how to post here! 
 

my cousin lives with me this is the second time she has. I asked her when she was not living with me if she would just sleep with me and let me hold her, she said yes, she came over a few times and stayed once i held her for a short time each time, she held my hand and interlocked fingers with me. After she moved back in we slept together a couple of times spooning me touching everywhere but inappropriate  Areas. She doesn’t talk about it much I asked if it was ok if I just stopped asking to come up stairs to her room and she said that was fine. We both have kids so it hard sometimes to wait tell there sleeping and get out before there up. We hug every morning before I leave for work and every evening when we both get home.  Do you think she wants more? Or what should I do if I want more? 

I should say U.S. she’s 35 I’m 38. Both divorced youngest kid is 6 and she has him every other week. Then there 12, 16, 17 of mine and hers. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Old Timer
53 minutes ago, Fred0822 said:

I don’t know exactly how to post here! 
 

my cousin lives with me this is the second time she has. I asked her when she was not living with me if she would just sleep with me and let me hold her, she said yes, she came over a few times and stayed once i held her for a short time each time, she held my hand and interlocked fingers with me. After she moved back in we slept together a couple of times spooning me touching everywhere but inappropriate  Areas. She doesn’t talk about it much I asked if it was ok if I just stopped asking to come up stairs to her room and she said that was fine. We both have kids so it hard sometimes to wait tell there sleeping and get out before there up. We hug every morning before I leave for work and every evening when we both get home.  Do you think she wants more? Or what should I do if I want more? 

Well, a couple of things: 1) it sounds like you need to figure out if in fact you do "want more", because at least the way you posed the question, it doesn't sound like you are clear if you do or not. 2) It sounds like your cousin is dependent on you for her living situation, which, if true, means you need to tread very very lightly.  You two are obviously close, but all of the interactions you describe are platonic, and you're the one who has asked for more intimacy.  You could easily put her in a position where she feels pressured into something she doesn't really want with you. Also, as you both have children, it's important to think about how a romantic relationship between the two of you would effect them. None of this means you can't be honest with her - in fact, I think you should. Just make it clear that you aren't trying to pressure her into anything, and be prepared for her to feel differently. If she does feel differently, she will probably want to look for another living situation, so there is certainly a risk of losing some of the intimacy that you have. But if you do want a romantic relationship and you aren't honest with her about it, that intimacy is under false pretenses anyway, which isn't fair to her at all.

Link to post
Share on other sites

I know I don’t want to mess up what we have. I want to do more with her and would. We talk about the future camping together with out kids this summer(she brought this up then add with kids sometimes too). She has which could still be platonic many times rolled over and placed my hand on her breast it could just be a more comfortable position and I get that.  I think she is scared of how she feels and I am too because if either of us proceed and the other is not receptive it will change a whole lot. I told her I kinda wished she would have went to an apartment and she responded with so we could come over she new why and had thought about it to.  She could have moved into an apartment but moved back in with me. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

I can also mention that she has sent me pictures wanting to know how she looks when she wasn’t living with me and now comes and finds me and asks. Last one was how do these pants look I just got out of the shower in only under and I told her and that she could come in if she wanted she did and wanted to know how the pants look on her butt. She has also said things like I’ve always loved a man in uniform when I’ve responded with a picture. And told me nice butt when she took a picture of me working on a car and sent it to me.  
we text back and forth all day and talk every night. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Old Timer

It would of course be nice if a stranger on the internet could tell you definitively that your cousin is romantically interested in you. :) Unfortunately, the only one who can tell you that is her. She clearly enjoys flirting with you, but flirting doesn't always mean the desire for a relationship, as I'm sure you know. Good luck!

Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...