Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Guest Laraeaf

What to do about feelings for my second cousin

Recommended Posts

Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hello everyone,

I am new to this website and after writing this, will look through other posts to find some more information that may help me. However, I would love some advice in relation to my own situation. To clarify, the man I am seeking advice about is my second cousin. Our grandmother's are sisters. 

I am 24 years old (female). My second cousin, let's call him Elliot for easiness' sake, and I first met back in 2014. When we first met, I was close friends with his sister as we were living and working together on a family farm. I met Elliot when he was visiting his sister with the family, and thought he was a terrific sort of person, but I had no romantic feelings for him back then, only deep admiration. Once moving away from the farm, I kept in touch both with Elliot and his sister, but only on a casual and friendly basis.

Over the long weekend just past (some 3 years after our first meeting), my own immediate family and I went to Melbourne to visit Elliot's family. We stayed in their home as we are all quite close. I thought absolutely nothing of it, until I began talking with Elliot. We have always had a good friendship, but this weekend saw me begin to feel very differently for him... After talking about his work and hobbies, I began to admire him far more than ever. He is passionate, driven, hard-working and so kind-hearted. Our families are very similar in our ideals and upbringing, and I find the thought of marrying into a random, strange family very unsettling. By the third day of our stay, Elliot and I were beginning to interact in a way that was innocently romantic and flirtatious. To clarify, absolutely nothing physical occurred between us, but to me, it seemed obvious that there was attraction between us. Our body language, our conversations, and the few messages exchanged after we left Melbourne just screamed to me that there was emotion on both parts. We have not messaged since, as I do not want to push it any further and I believe he is the sort to follow the same line of thought...

 

I am trying to decide whether this is something I even consider pursuing. I am attempting to decipher whether what I feel for Elliot is exclusive to him and actually romantic, or a very deep admiration and respect for the character he is and qualities he possesses. Do I simply ignore this and wait to see whether our next meeting is the same? If my feelings remain, do I try to take some sort of gentle action to show him those feelings? Or do I stop all thoughts regarding him as a romantic interest and use Elliot as the bar for other men to reach? I cannot even fathom dating anyone else now, even if I don't ever date Elliot, but that is because I have not met another remotely like him. I have had two healthy, long-term relationships in the past, and one not so healthy more recently. I am unsure whether Elliot is glorified in my eyes due to the inadequacies of other men around me, and my uncertainty that I can find someone who meets the expectations that Elliot so easily did. 

Any advice would be hugely appreciated. Sorry for the very long explanation! I am quite unsure and confused, but my feelings feel so pure and genuine. 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MissPrice    19

What you are describing is attraction growing out of respect, admiration, and similarity of values. There is no better basis for a relationship that I know of. From my personal experience, if you try to use him as a bar for other men to reach, those men will disappoint you.

It is wise to be more cautious getting into a relationship with a cousin than other relationships, because that person will always be a family member. 

I recommend that you take a look at my post "The Benefits of Cousin Relationships". There are both pluses and minuses to this type of relationship, but I'm obviously prejudiced that at least in some cases the benefits far outweigh the drawbacks.

Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hi MissPrice,

Thank you for your advice. I read the article and it was very helpful to me.

You're right, the biggest plus is knowing who he is and knowing we both love the same family. 

I have discovered I am a terrible judge of character and also try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, which makes it exceptionally easy for me to get into relationships that aren't quite right for me. Elliot, however, has never needed to hide who he is from me. All of my family says, as a young boy, he was absolutely lovely and even then, passionate about what he wanted out of life. He is kind to his younger sister (my very good friend, too) who struggled with depression. He is respectful to his parents, and everyone else around him. I just cannot imagine anyone better than him.

Since we live many hours apart (20 hours by car!) I have decided to leave things be, for the time being. If, down the track, I see him more often and find my feelings are constant and developing, I will act upon them then... I am very loyal to my feelings, though, and won't see anybody else until I find someone who moves me on the level he has, which is near impossible to do. I am positively gobsmacked at how much this man has impacted my life for the better. 

Thank you again for the advice! : )

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Nattana    17

You say that you are a terrible judge of character - there is a book that may help you.  It is Nasty People:  How to Stop Being Hurt by Them without Stooping to their level.  It teaches you how to recognize bullies and how to treat them in a positive manner.

I found the book years ago and used it to change my thinking.  You can download it from Amazon,

Good luck.  HUGS

Nat

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

Laraeaf,

 It's been a while since I've had a moment to jump in on here, so, (as the long term members know well) this could get windy as I catch up.

First things first. You're 24, and at what I consider a very good age to consider going down this road. You don't mention Elliot's age, but, I'll go ahead and assume he's within a couple years or so of your age. You don't mention where you are, as a mod I can have a little peek, but, with your mentioning Melbourne, and subtle nuances in your English, I'll assume Australia. First cousins are legal to marry there, and, so far as we know, second cousins are legal everywhere in the world, although there are areas where the social stigma would be much greater than Australia. It would seem the 20 hr road trip would end up being your bigger hurdle to cross if you do decide to pursue this. LDR's become cumbersome in very short order. Not insurmountable, as you can read in other stories here, but, it requires both to be on the same page. Which will bring us to further issues....

 It would behoove you to first determine if Elliot does in fact share your feelings. There is a sticky thread here on finding out if a cousin shares the feelings and sharing yours with them. The Reader's Digest version usually boils down to a conversation involving what we call "the old tried and true" "If you weren't my cousin, __________" line. You haven't messaged, nor has he, and you feel he's of a similar mindset on that part of it at least. So, why not go ahead and break the ice, text him telling him you were thinking of him, and, slowly test the waters. Keep the conversation casual, but, if there's already been subtle (and NOT so subtle) flirting, the distance will allow for such to inevitably start up again. Play along. You'll know the time to drop the "If you weren't my cousin" line. By his response, you'll know his feelings. I doubt he would freak out because he's played along face to face. With the distance, I would even expect him to possibly be more bold. Don't be surprised if I'm right. Play along so far as your comfort level allows. I would think if he's truly as described, he won't be pushing you beyond that level anyhow, and both your comfort levels will increase as you proceed. And, all of this hinges on Elliot being unattached. You didn't mention that he is attached, and reading between the lines I assume at this time, you're unattached. Provided you are both available, I see no good reason other than the existing (unwarranted) stigma, and, of course, the physical distance, to not try. Both of which can be overcome with the proper resolve.

 

 So, IMHO, go ahead and text a friendly "Hello, how are you?" See how it goes. If it proceeds, do keep in touch here, and let us know. You need not get overly specific, but, if you do have specific questions, we'll do our best to answer them. Several of us are easily old enough to be your parents, so, chances are, we've 'been there,done that', and can hold your hands and walk you through it. One of the first things I would do if you do find out Elliot has similar feelings, would be to share the link to this site, to get him up to speed on facts presented here as well. Then, the two of you can make a fully informed decision as to how you wish to proceed. If it does turn into a relationship, I'll do my best to give advice on the 'must do's' and probably plenty of the 'what NOT to do's' as well. In my current situation though, I'm not going to be nearly as good at it as I was just a couple years ago. I've had life events in the last year and several months which have left me considerably more jaded than I would care to be, and I wouldn't want to let that affect my advice or your decisions. There are several of the girls here who CAN give you most excellent advice on such matters however, and I would gladly defer to them.....

 

 So, test the waters a little, and Good Luck, M'Dear......

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hi everyone,

 

Firstly, I would like to say thank you so much for your support and advice. It means a great deal to have this place with like-minded people undergoing the same problems, or having resolved these same problems : ) I think you're all very brave.

Nattana, thank you for the book link. I think a few recent rude awakenings, coupled with my experiences with Elliot, have taught me that I must linger in the background before I can truly know someone. I am bad at jumping the gun, assuming everyone is great, and then being hurt down the track. But I am coming to my senses. 

Hawk, thank you so much for all of the information and advice.

I am 24 and Elliot is 22. While the age gap is not much at all, I personally believe a lot happens between 22 and 24 and would almost rather leave Elliot alone to have those experiences and mature from them... though he's already an incredibly mature individual. Neither of us are dating or seeing other people, either. 

I have tried LDR's before. I am not really a physical being (in regards to lust and sexual wants) so I do not struggle with long distance relationships so long as there is emotional attachment, but my partner usually does. Luckily, I am now considering moving to Melbourne from where I live in Armidale, NSW. Yes, I am Australian : ) This decision didn't come about due to feelings for Elliot, but because my current university in Armidale is not allowing me to expand my horizons. This recent trip to Melbourne opened my eyes as to how brilliant a young person can be (Elliot, his sister and a few more family friends all showed me and really inspired change). I originally applied for Melbourne University 2 years ago and was accepted, but made the last minute decision to go to Armidale in a rural environment - oops! So at the end of the year, I will be moving down to Melbourne. That will rid of the issue of a LDR, IF I decide to pursue this. 

I made myself familiar with the laws regarding cousin marriage here. Frankly, I am not frightened of social stigma on this matter, especially with a second cousin. I believe love is love and will overcome those kinds of hurdles. I would be concerned about telling our family, but that comes much later down the track, I suppose.

My issue, like Hawk pointed out, is figuring whether he has genuine feelings for me. I imagine both of us need to spend more time to decide what we actually are feeling, and I need to keep an open mind and remember he may just be innocently flirting with no intent behind it. Elliot is a man who has been brought up with a lot of strict morals, like my own family. I'd consider us both quite 'prim and proper' sorts, but he even more so (just not in that unpleasant snob way). So... while this situation is quite easy for me to wrap my head around, I feel he would struggle and deny any attachment due to fear... I would help him through that, of course, if the time came. 

I do intend to message him every few weeks, just to stay in contact, but I've become quite tired of relationships over text and phone. I would rather wait until I move to Melbourne, see if he would like to spend time in person, and tell him about my feelings face-to-face if they have continued to deepen at that point. I think past relationships have really shown me what I do and do not want, both in a person and in the experience...  

Anyhow, I will message him in a week or two and let everyone know if something stems from that : ) I am hopeful, but trying to keep my wits about me. I do not want to be one of those people who read the signs wrong. 

 

Thank you all so much!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

He ended up messaging me early tonight about some classical music I showed him while in Melbourne, and saying that he absolutely loves it... To say I'm happy is a big understatement. : )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

And he is learning to play my favourite piece by that composer so I can hear it next we meet... 

That seems like a good sign to me. Inwardly going mad with happiness. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

Laraeaf,

 Believe me when I tell you he is at the very least somewhat attracted to you. He's not going to learn your favorite piece to woo another woman.....js My gut tells me he's waiting on you to match his steps.

 

 Now, how nervy is he to follow up? This is the question which remains to be answered, and will only fully be answered face to face. However, that does not mean you cannot "pave the way" for him so to speak. Text a few times, and then set up a time to talk on the phone. Start it out casual, and see how long it takes him to start flirting. I bet it doesn't take long. I had (wrongly) assumed he was probably a couple years older, but he's a couple years younger. No real problem. I actually always recommend to our young members to wait until they are at least 20, with me preferring 22 as a better number. He's mature enough at 22 to go for it, even if he may be slightly intimidated by you being a couple years older. But, I wasn't scared at 22, and married a woman 8 years my elder. Ill-advised as it was, I wasn't scared, and told plenty of people to mind their own business. Of course, in that case, I should have listened, but, I had to live and learn.....LOL But, the age factor wasn't what doomed the relationship, her behavior did. Had she not had the issues she did, I'd still be with her today. And, with such a large age difference, the drama from everybody else did approach the level it would have had we been cousins. And, ironically, the second cousin I am very fond of is my age, and family would have actually been tickled if we had got together. I know our Mom's would have been, and, them being first cousins, their opinions would have been the only ones which mattered. Moral of the story is, had we waited until we were 22 instead of 20, things could have been much different, and we could have saved ourselves considerable grief we endured with other partners. Had we taken things a little slower at 20, things may have been much different. But, I digress to the world of "shoulda, woulda, coulda ".

 

 The advice stands at wade off slowly with the communication, let the flirting progress as it surely will, and build the tension to where you'll find out how far he's willing to take it when you do meet face to face. He's already made the first step. I mean, really.... He's learning a piece of classical music he knows you love? Really? And you don't think that's flirting? Pretty bold if you ask me. Play along, and build on it. When it comes up again, (maybe in how he's coming along with it) say " That is very sweet of you, and, even romantic in a way." Not overly bold, but, honest. And, it opens the door for him to possibly come out with the "Yeah, but you're my cousin. If you weren't my cousin, blah, blah, blah." THEN, the ball is in YOUR court. At that point, you can say "What if I don't care that we ARE cousins? It's perfectly legal, and I do find you extremely engaging, and a good man." You will find out very quickly if he's mature enough then.....;) That's when you enter into the territory of what we around here call "The Talk." :D:D:D Usuallly best done face to face, but, sometimes you have to work with what you have, and save the rest for the face time.......

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hi Hawk,

Thank you for checking in again. It is a relief to hear you think he shares feelings for me. It means considerably more coming from a man, too. The problem is that Elliot is just such a good-hearted sort of person, and i'm tempted to believe that him learning that musical piece is just part of what he would do for anyone who shared a love of piano with him. Perhaps I'm wrong, but I do not want to jump the gun...
We have been messaging for the past few days - very long and interesting conversations with no lags. He holds the conversations so well, always asks questions and gives details... He's offered to take me flying (he's a pilot) in Melbourne when I return. He has said several times, "For now, Facebook messaging will have to suffice, but there'll be lots of time for face-to-face once you're in Melbourne." He has said he plans on visiting me in Armidale or the family in Merimbula, and has NEVER expressed an interest in coming to either place before. However, he does always say that "me and my sister will come to visit". Of course, I love his sister so I am happy with that, but that makes me wonder whether he offers to visit entirely for a family catch up, or if the constant adding of "sister" is to cover his bases - because the moment he came alone to visit, the entire family would clue on immediately. 

I was casually speaking to my mother the other day about our trip to Melbourne and she said, "His mother and I think it's a shame you're related, because you'd make a perfect match otherwise."

I would be lying if I said that our talks haven't already become somewhat flirty. There is just a lot of joking amongst the real conversation, a lot of sentences phrased in ways that indicate that there is more between us than friendship. I haven't spoken to any of my cousins extensively (and never flirtatiously) since becoming adults. 

I am absolutely enthralled by him, and becoming more and more sure that my feelings are genuinely romantic. I don't even want to consider any other person. 

I won't be seeing him for at least a few weeks, sadly, but if anything occurs in the meantime, I shall report back here : ) I don't want to have expectations, because I can see that when the conversation gets a bit TOO familiar and flirty, he takes a step back, and so do I. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

I'm also sorry to hear about your romance. Normally I would not consider a 22 year old, because I believe it is too young, but I don't imagine anything will be transpiring between us for a year or two anyhow. I can see how easily it could go wrong if there was an age gap AND a clash of character. Do you have feelings for your second cousin, Hawk, or are you just close as friends/ family? 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MissPrice    19

Laraeaf - I just wanted to say, I think you are being remarkable responsible with how you are thinking and going about this. It also sounds like you have some strong grounds to believe that Elliot has feelings for you. Good luck, and keep us updated!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

Laraeaf,

 Yeah, she's my favorite cousin, and, I've still got fairly strong feelings for her, and they're shared. We were born a week to the day apart, and once we were old enough to realize that, we've always been "best/favorite" cousins. For a time when we were young, we lived across the street from each other, and were really more like siblings than second cousins. It was all strictly platonic, and I actually had the crush on her (4 yrs) older sister....LOL Anyhow, through a series of events when we were 20, we hung out and things took a change. Things got very intense, very quickly. After a couple weeks, she get scared of what people would say, and, her own belief of the stigma, and we walked away from it. As I said, our Mom's would have been fine with it. They're first cousins. Their fathers, our grandfathers, were brothers. Hers had passed, and mine passed (looking back now, doing the math) a little over a month after our little "moment", and he never knew. At the time, only her Mom knew. I mean, we come in all rumpled up, having obviously just crawled out of my bed, and it was pretty plain SOMETHING was going on. :lol: Her Mom was speechless, (no mean feat, mind you, LOL) but got a huge grin, and never mentioned the "elephant in the room". But, at any rate, she got nervous, I didn't want to push her, and we backed away from it. It did make reunions very awkward for nearly 30 years. Probably 6 or 7 years ago now, we reconnected, aired it all out, agreed much too much water had passed beneath the bridge to go back. Plus, I was married, she has a long term BF, and neither of us have any stomach for cheating. I'm divorced now, and, certain members of the family would actually be thrilled if I were to get her away from her BF, but, she likes him, and just like a cousin relationship, it's not the rest of the family's business, nor MY place to get between them. And, as I mentioned, I'm in no real mood for a relationship of the nature required to be with her. IF her and the BF were to split, and IF I were still no further attached to one girl I'm hanging with, I MIGHT would consider VERY SLOWLY (unlike our first outing) testing the waters again. I really don't see that happening though. It would be another example of our terrible timing as it has always been, where one of us was not available when the other one was.

 I see myself hanging with this gal I'm seeing, and slowly coming out of my jaded state. My longer story on the subject has been lost to site upgrades over the years, but, she's one of two girls I was bouncing between before my cousin and I had our moment. When that became a trainwreck, is when the opportunity for me and Cuz to be together arose. So, me and this gal have met, shes done very well for herself, and is as keen to be with me as she was when we were kids. I see me letting down the wall, and letting her in. We have loved each other for 30 some years now, and did remain friends that whole time, with each other and our respective families. Her family is like a second family anyhow, so that part of it is the easy part. I just have to wrap my head around letting down the walls and doing another relationship. After the last year and a half, it really is easier said than done. But, I'm starting to warm to the idea. She's seen this site, knows some of the history with cuz, and being a highly trained medical professional, knows the facts, and would be fine with my participation here, although I must say, I don't see it being anywhere near as active as it once was. With the work that I do, and the travel it is looking like it will entail from here on out, I'll be hard pressed to have the time to do so.

 With your mother already having discussed this with his mother, I would be willing to bet the drama would not be anywhere near what either of you think it would be. THEY are already thinking the "If you weren't cousins" line, and running scenarios through their heads. It would not surprise me in the least if one or both of them don't look into it, and possibly even stumble across this site. Them actually changing their preconceived notions could take a while, but if needs be, that's where and when you present the facts here to them. As with me and mine, her Mom knew from the visual, and, shortly after we walked away from it, I told my Mom "Don't be surprised if one of these days me and Cuz become an item". She said "As long as you treat her good and you make each other happy, I'll be happy for you". So, yeah, the Mom's will have a tendency to want to see their children happy, and, if they're seeing them make each other happy platonicly, the natural progression would not come as a shock. Just take your time, and let the visual of you two interacting set in. And DON'T rush to present them the visual me and mine did to her Mom...LMAO :lol::lol::lol: Do be sure your clothes are on right side out, and brush your hair.......:blink:;):D:rolleyes:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hey everyone : )

Thank you, MissPrice. I am trying to handle it well, slowly and smoothly. I need us both to be certain we have deep, long-lasting feelings for one another. I've had enough of relationships that do not last, and I want the next person I date to be the final one. And so, if anything happens between Elliot and I it will be something that progresses slowly, so that we can gently test the waters and ensure that we both make the right choices. Our families are close, so we either need to last for a long time/ forever, or need to back out before turmoil ensues. I realise that's a narrow minded view and that dating for a few months or years could still be fine and end on a happy note, but I would rather be absolutely certain that we have something special (no matter how long it takes to ascertain that).

Hawk, that's a rather dramatic turn of events! I am sorry to hear about your cousin and you. It's a shame it was rushed into (as it so often is when we are younger). But like you've said, perhaps circumstances will change in the future, and then you'd already have your families on board. How nice of them to accept it and even encourage it! I am so, so happy you've found yourself in a good relationship with this other 'gal'. For her to accept all that has happened in the past really indicates she is a good person. I wish you guys all the best : ) 

Over the past few days, I've discovered a few things about Elliot. He told me he hasn't really been in a position to date anyone. He went to a unisex high school, and works a male-dominated profession. He isn't an idiot who goes out and gets drunk every weekend (sorry to be so crude, but it is Australia and most men I know do go out every weekend to drink themselves stupid). Because he has been working so hard to become a pilot (it is no easy process), learn piano, as well as follow other passions, he does not really have time to socialise all that often. However, he does have a lot of good friends, even a few girls who he just hasn't been interested in. So now, apart from the glaringly obvious hurdles to overcome, I am debating whether I should be putting him in this position given it would be his first time dating somebody. Maybe it would be better for him to date someone he already knows and trusts, and has similar interests with. But then maybe, if it didn't work out, it would hinder him in the future. I care for him and so don't want to make any mistakes by him. 

Elliot and I both talked about Russia and how much we would like to visit, and I just jokingly said we could travel there together in the future. He said "that would be breathtaking," but it came across as a kind of 'brush off'. When I apologised for being too familiar, he just said, "What are you talking about? No need to apologise and please don't feel bad, your offer made me all warm and fuzzy."

 

It occurred to me that my mother might find this site while trying to find information about it. It even occurred to me that Elliot might start trying to find some info and stumble across it. Do I need to go back and edit messages so it isn't so glaringly obvious who it is about?!
Yesterday while my mum and I were driving together, Elliot messaged me and my mum saw it and said, "That's a long message!" We talked a little bit just about he and I keeping connected (in a friendly way), and she eventually said, "Maybe it's okay to be with your cousin? I don't know the laws about it, but I don't think there'd be problems with it if you are just second cousins and not heavily related." Given absolutely nothing is clear to me yet, I just kind of brushed it off and said, "I don't know." I think mum's opinion may drastically change if I actually said, "Yes, I have feelings for him," and she also mentioned that Elliot's mother may not have a problem with a relationship, but might have an issue with Elliot settling down at 22 years old with a 24 year old - which is perfectly reasonable. 
 

Ohhhhhh, Hawk, don't you worry about that front haha. As I said in a past message, I am not a physical being unless there is an absolute emotional connection. I would not be rushing into this, especially if it is his first time dating somebody. 

Things may quieten down a little bit now. I have university starting next week and was thinking I may use studying as an excuse to cut the heavy contact with Elliot for a few weeks, until we actually see one another again. I'd like to talk to him face-to-face and the conversations have become deep enough that I think we need to stop them before truths are blurted out, since I want that to be done in person. 

A random guy at the supermarket actually slipped me his number today while I was getting cash out. When I realised what he'd done, I just kind of chuckled and said, "I'm sorry, I don't consider myself available," because my thoughts just instantly went to Elliot and that there isn't a man alive who can outshine him. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

Laraeaf,

 Don't worry about editing your posts. Plus, I'm reasonably sure you'd have to be a member and logged in to edit anyhow. You're anonymous enough here. She may not have been here yet, but, maybe she has. It doesn't really matter, because even without it, the mothers are obviously talking. I had a feeling that was going on. Believe me when I tell you that Elliot is a much better behaved and settled individual than I was at that age. (I resembled the description of 'idiot' you gave, and still do on occasion....LOL I do try to not get stupid though...) He sounds busy, but still needs the interaction, so, you may as well provide your share of it to the extent you can. Don't worry about the conversation getting to a point that should be better said in person. If it does, just say "Yeah, I really want to talk to you about this, but I'd really rather be with you when we do." 

 I have a feeling that if you play this right, your mothers will begin subtly nudging the two of you toward each other. If he's mature enough to be in the position you describe, he's mature enough to start a relationship with a 24 year old, provided you're both willing to get on the same page, and go all in. Look for his mother to be subtly nudging him that way. I have a feeling she's seeing "All work/studies, no play (to speak of)" making Elliot a dull boy, as the saying goes. Not that Elliot is dull, just that it's a busy, yet perhaps boring or monotonous life he's leading at the moment. And, I can beyond all doubt assure you both of your mothers are already wondering when there are going to be grandchildren. WAY out in front of where the two of you are, but, nowhere near out too far in front of where they are thinking. His Mom may think 22 is yet a bit young, (and I would tend to agree there), but she's already thinking about it. You being 24, there's absolutely no doubt your mother is thinking about it. Their thought process will go something along the lines of "Yeah, she's a couple years older, but he's a good boy, she's a good girl, she'll bring him along...." Now, if this does progress like I see it, the subject of genetics is going to pop up rather early on. I'd be willing to bet that's their only reservation at this point, or they would have already been more bold in their statements their slipping in. Let's get that part out to you now. If you go to the genetics page, you will find that second cousins share only very slightly more DNA than any random couple. There are NO known increased risks to the offspring on second cousins because of their relation. Now, that said, the normal issues that could be a concern with random couples would come into play. For instance. There's an increased instance of A-fib in mine and Cuz's shared side. Our Mom's just lost another first cousin to a myriad of problems, with A-fib being one of the underlying factors. His dad (our grandpas' youngest brother) had it. My grandpa had it. I have it. My Mom has it, and at least one of my brothers has it. At the same time, Cuz doesn't have it, her sister doesn't, her Mom doesn't, and, so far as we know, her Grandpa didn't have it. So, even though the tendency is there, it would have still been a crap shoot as to whether any offspring of ours would have had it. And the same goes for diabetes, cancer, or, who knows, ingrown toenails, anything that could be an inherited trait. Even in totally unrelated couples, if the tendency is strong enough on one or both sides, there's a chance said issues could pop up. But, the rarer and more serious issues sighted between first cousins does not apply to second cousins, and, has been exaggerated to the point of being a reason to prohibit first cousins from marrying in the places it is prohibited. And, unreasonably so. The chances are about the same of those same sort of issues popping up in women who get pregnant over the age of 38 or so. You will NEVER see any push to prohibit a 38 year old or beyond (at least up to late 40's) from getting pregnant. The gal I'm seeing had her son when she was 38. The boy is perfectly fine, quite smart, and already at 12 taller than her, and she's at least 5'8" or 5'9". Suffice it to say he's a healthy boy. There is absolutely no genetic reason the two of you could not marry, and have anywhere from one to a house full of children. DO NOT listen to the first iota of nonsense to the contrary. Again, WAY out in front of where you two are, but something very good to know up front, because it's going to be one of the first issues to come up.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Haha, Hawk! You scared the jeepers out of me talking about children! For a starter, I absolutely despise children and my mother is very, very aware of that. She is under no illusion that I am going to give her children, now or anywhere in the future. However, it is good to know about all of the genetic issues and I will be sure to look into that A LOT should this situation ever get to that point - eek! I did read somewhere a while back that in second cousin relationships, the probability of having children with issues is the same as any normal couple - low! 

Elliot's mother never pushes him into work and study, and she probably does worry a little that he doesn't 'get out' enough. Elliot pushes himself because being a pilot has always been his dream, and so he works extremely hard at it. It's a hobby as well as a job for him. Quite frankly, that is something that appeals a lot to me. I would rather somebody be set on their dreams and a little more anti-social (like myself). 

Sadly, I don't think either of our mothers would ever actually 'like' for us to be together. They wouldn't mind and they might accept it easily enough, but they are never going to push us to get together, nor would they actually want us to. I can understand your thoughts on that matter. The mums also don't 'talk' outside of seeing one another in person, so they're not concocting any sorts of plans haha. 

Anyhow, I shall fly beneath the radar for a little while unless something terribly interesting happens. Thank you all again for the huge amount of advice : ) it has been so helpful and comforting. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

Laraeaf,

 I don't necessarily despise children, but, they do get on my nerves enough that I never had any!!! My Mom knew her chances of getting grandchildren out of me was very slim long before I had my first girlfriend. 

 However, this WOULD have been a problem with Cuz. She has two, and them and the grandchildren now are her greatest joy. She would have wanted a couple, and I would have resisted. It would have been quite the hurdle to jump. It sounds like Elliot could be, (at least for now) on the same page with you with regards to children. And, even with the mothers not talking unless it's in person, they will still see (probably already have, hence their comments) the chemistry between the two of you, and I think will come to terms with it.

 Do pop in if you would like to share or need further advice...

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hi all,

I thought I would share 'the news' with you.
So.... everything came to fruition last night. I went to a close girlfriend's house for some drinks. I never get drunk, but I suppose there is a reason alcohol is called liquid courage. Elliot and I were messaging throughout the night and I had the nerve (or stupidity) to subtly hint that I had feelings for someone I probably shouldn't. He very gently asked if I would tell him and said he would not judge, to which I just continuously said, "It's too strange. It's too strange."

In the end, he was the one who plucked up the courage to say, "I think I have an idea where this may be doing, and I would be so happy if it were true." 

Next message, we both got spooked and backed off, and he said goodnight.

Luckily, the man has some gall and about 45 minutes later messaged me again to get it off his chest. He admitted that he has feelings for me and that he is fairly sure I feel the same, all while ending the message with, "Please do not judge me if I have fallen into a crazy fantasy that is not real." Of course, I told him that is exactly the case, that I had felt for him since leaving Melbourne. 

He does not seem to have the 'ick' reaction at all, but rather just said there is social stigma surrounding it, but it did not seem to worry him much.

And so, the night ended on a rather excellent note. We have not spoken much since then as it was about 4am by that point, and he had work early this morning. But... it looks like only good things will be happening. I will tread carefully, ensure we are both making the right decisions for ourselves and one another, and we will talk about where to go from here, I suppose.

Again, thank you all. I do not think I would have had the nerve to pursue this without everyone's support. I am absolutely over the moon about this. I did not sleep a wink in the night and really do not think the situation could have unfolded any smoother... 

Thank you everyone : ) xx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Hawk    29

Laraeaf,

 When the topic of the stigma comes up, get him in here. He sounds like a very intelligent young man, and will soak up the facts of the matter rather easily....

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Thanks Nat : ) I am so happy. I don't think my heart has slowed down all day. 
I sure will, Hawk. I wouldn't be surprised if he has already looked into that, or knew prior to now. 
We shall see : )

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MissPrice    19

Yay, that's wonderful news! I'm so excited for you. I also had a couple of drinks before I finally told my cousin. We're married now. :) Good luck!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

MissPrice, that's amazing! The stories I've seen thus far have kind of ended on a not-so-good note, so to know you are married is really, really comforting and inspiring. : ) Thank you.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Laraeaf   
Guest Laraeaf

Hi guys,
Just wanted to let you all know how well things are going. 'Elliot' and I decided to become a proper couple about a week ago. We are both ecstatic about the situation. He's booked flights to visit in a few week's time and, though we are obviously craving one another's company in person, we are coping quite well with the long-distance - just lots of texting and phone calls! We are going to date for at least a few weeks before telling our parents, as we figure our parents may be more supportive if they know it isn't just a 'fling', which it definitely is not. We are both fairly convinced our parents will be accepting of it. 

Hope you're all well : ) 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
MissPrice    19

I'm very happy for you both. :) I think it makes perfect sense to wait on telling your parents; we waited about three months. My dad was still concerned about what would happen if we broke up, because we'd still be cousins. I told him that I respected that, but that we were very serious about our relationship, and if we did ever break up we'd figure it out, but it was worth the risk. Life is long, but as of yet, I have no reason to regret that decision. What started as a more intense attraction than I'd felt before has grown into profound love, commitment, and trust that I wake up every day grateful for. I hope as much for you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×