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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Guest Itsamemario

General advice

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Guest Itsamemario

I've been pondering posting on the forum for some time now (maybe a year) and have finally decided it would be worth doing. This could be pretty lengthy, but I'd appreciate any advice that could be offered in terms of how I should move forward.

I'm in love with my first cousin (female), who is 13 and I am 15, 16 this month. Honestly, I'm not too keen on the age gap, yet regardless of that the feeling won't go away. I'm fairly certain I've liked her for a long time, but it didn't really hit me until a year and a half ago, at which point I didn't really know what to do. So I looked to the all knowing internet and discovered this site along with other accounts which helped. We live a couple of hours from eachother, but I get to see her fairly frequently. One of the biggest obstacles is guaging her feelings, I realise that the only real way to know is to ask her, but with her being my cousin it's even harder to tell. She doesn't mind when our arms brush and we tend to walk very close to one another when out, close enough for our arms to be touching most of the time. Also on the topic of touch, if she's showing me something on the computer or in other circumstances, I'll just touch my hand to hers and she doesn't pull away and I also poke her stomach if exposed (I find it cute). She frequently makes an effort to make conversation even when I'm doing my own thing in a different room and takes an interest in what I'm doing. We don't really text eachother much, but I don't really text at all and neither does she. 

At the same time, we don't hug anymore, she also doesn't hug my younger brother though, if that's of any relevance. I'm not sure whether to tell her, but that isn't my main concern at the minute. Mainly, I'd like to get closer, we were much, much closer when we were younger and it's only in recent years that we've drifted  apart a bit. My family also wouldn't be too comfortable with it from what I gather, so that would be an issue in the future.

Anyway, that's a general overview of my current situation, any advice would be greatly appreciated.

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 That's not lengthy, my standard reply to young members like yourself is usually VERY lengthy. But, for now, I don't have time to camp out on here to do it. 

 The TL/DR version is :

 1) Focus on school. If there's ever going to be a chance of things happening in the future, you'd best get smart. Get or keep the grades up.

 2) Put it all on the back burner. You're WAY too young to face the drama you certainly would at this early stage.

 3) You want to get close, like you were. Very good idea, but, sometimes not so easily done. Do your best, but don't overthink or overdo it. You have plenty of time.

 4) After putting this all on hold, except for doing the subtle little things to get closer, by the time she's 18, and you're 21 or so, you can step it up a little. Even in the meantime, if it seems as though you've gotten closer, you can use the old "tried and true" line of "If you weren't my cousin, _____________". Fill in the blank with whatever fits at the moment, like "you'd be the perfect GF for me", "I'd ask you to go out/be my GF", or some such. This is WAY out in front of where you are at the moment though, unless SHE comes out with something similar."

 5) If things do begin to progress, as I've mentioned, you HAVE to keep it on the back burner and down low until BOTH of you are of age. I personally recommend 20 to 22 years old or so. I know it sounds like forever, but it really does behoove you to wait. If you move too soon, and family finds out about it, they will most likely keep you separated. And, that will most likely ruin any chance there is in the future. You HAVE to get an education, get a job, and get out on your own before you get real carried away. You know, your roof, your rules. You also have to be sure legally you aren't going to get in a bind. As a mod, I can have a little peek, so, allow me.....  Ok. Where you are, (provided the index is correct, and you're not running a proxy) it is perfectly legal. And, I'm not totally sure about the laws there, but, the age of consent is probably lower than most places. Not a factor in my advice. I still say wait till you're in your 20's. Once you are, you'll find it easier to broach the subject, have a better chance of a positive response, and outcome.

 Do take your time, and keep in touch. We'll do our best to walk you through it as you go......

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I know your situation is difficult, Guest Itsamemario, because I experienced something similar to what you are going through, except I was the 13-year-old girl-cousin.  Pursuing a cousin-romance opens up a big can of worms, which is daunting enough to face when your an adult.  But facing it as teenagers is often a no-win situation.  I have read many posts on this board, and many cousin romances start in the teen years, as mine did.

The problem is, as teens, it is much more difficult to handle the family fall out, then when you're an independent adult who is paying his own bills.  Also, have you considered your cousin?  Even if she likes you, she may feel very uncomfortable having a romance with her cousin.  At 13, she's at such a tender age, and may not fully understand her feelings towards you.  She may even be in denial of her feelings towards you.  I think you should wait until you're older until you say anything to her.

You might want to read the information on this site to learn why cousin-marriage is okay, in case you ever need to persuade your cousin or other family members.

For me, my attraction to my male cousin started the instant I first saw him when I was 7.  My feelings were very strong for him instantly, and I knew even at age 7, that my feelings for him would never change, and they never have.  We only saw each a few weeks each summer, when our families visited each other in the different cities we lived in.  As a child, I always very afraid to tell him how I felt, because I was terrified of his rejection.

When I was 12, and he was 14 - almost 15, we had a small cuddling session in his family's trailer.  And then nothing romantic happened between us for another 5 years.  Except the summer that he kept tickling me non-stop, until his Dad stopped him, lol.  But we were kids, and our families would have crushed our tender-love hearts with their strong disapproval.  And since we were dependent on our parents, there wasn't nothing much we could do about it.

When I was 17 and he was 19, we did have a 4-month romance, until my Dad broke us up.  And we never got back together or spoke about our romance after that.  

So you have to gauge what you do and when, carefully.  This is not just an ordinary boy meets girl dating experience.  Dating your cousin is a big thing in a family that disapproves, so you only want to pursue it if you're serious about her, and when your both old enough to handle all the fall out that can happen.

Good luck .... Ambra

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Hi, I am a 13 year old girl. I have a cousin who is 15 and I have known him my whole life. About a little over 2 years ago, the both of us started getting really close to one another. He is extremely overprotective with me which I find weird considering he has a little sister and other cousins, but he only acts this way towards me. Around last September, he started 'tickling' me and while he 'tickled' me he would pull me into his lap. His hands would go a little far but I never thought anything of it. But then I started realizing he would do this every time I saw him when there were no adults around. He would always look at my lips too. But whenever he would hear someone walking towards the game room that all the cousins would hang out in, he would take me off his lap and then act as if we were just paying attention to the game the cousins were playing. He just recently started wrapping his arm around my waist. I started trusting him a lot more and I tell him a lot of stuff. I sometimes would tell him that there's this one guy that i think is cute, but he would get super mad and then he would tell me that I am never aloud to date. I feel like I am starting to develop feelings for him. He has a girlfriend but he never talks about her with me and he tells me a lot of stuff. I always hear it from his little sister that he would go on a date with her every once in a while, and I would get jealous. The other day he shared his dessert with me even though I was totally capable of getting up and getting my own dessert. I don't know if he likes me or what but please help me! Should I confess my feelings for him?

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