Hi CC forum,
Im not sure how I am going to word this as my mind is all over the place but here goes.
I will start with my current situation in hopes that it will give a you a clearer image of what I am going through currently. I am 27 year old, graduated University (college) and now looking to start his career (this is my current mindset). During this time I have other goals to achieve which include acquiring my inheritance before my mum passes away. She is in her 60s and her health is not the best. This will cause several issue as property assets are currently occupied with a resident (family member) overseas. By any chance I managed to reclaim the property and sold it off or trade it; I am 1 step closer to my dream of living peacefully with a roof and heating but also having a loving partner and kids in the future.
My mum started the whole topic of me marrying my second cousin (her nephews, daughter). I instantly declined as I did not like the idea of cousin marriage, the genetics problems, the social stigma and the person I am supposed to marry. After a handful of years of trying to convince me, she dropped the conversation because the daughter also said no. Great! i am saved or so i thought. This family is also the one that is occupying the property I am trying to reclaim.
Over the last 3-5 years, I happened to notice my first cousin; My mum's brother, daughter. I was attracted to her physical appearance as she has sharp features but I did not pursue the attraction and left it as just as a crush/lust.
As of last year, my mum brought up the conversation of getting married to my first cousin as she puts it " i want to see you happy with kids and a loving partner that will not break you". She thinks my first cousin will be a perfect match for my personality as hers fits with mine.
As of right now, she is 20 and I am 27. In the past year we have started talking a lot because of this and started to calling each other "babe", she is already sees me as her future husband. I do not mind it but i think i entertained this for far to long but as the time is getting closer to achieve my goal of reclaiming my property I have to deal with this as my mum is using this as a bargaining chip or a trade, hence why i carried on the conversation with my cousin to get things rolling for the property. She wants me to marry her as she requires a assistant and she promised her brother, She spoke to my cousin and she agrees to the marriage as it also benefits her; she will have a better life by coming here to us, financially, education and opportunities. Me and mum have had several arguments about this, and she claims that it is easy for her to get a guy and get married due to the her looks but she rather keep her in the family because of her character and in response i told her if she can get any guy then get her married. in the end the arguments go nowhere and get stuck in the loop. I personally do not agree with the character part as I have seen her talk to other guys that have promised her dreams that she can get by being involved with them (not physically) and thus doing so has shown to be naive and desperate as life in the East is not the best. Fair enough maybe I am being to hard on her. If i do go ahead with this I get my property and money but i will not be happy with this situation internally as this is another thing i need to get rid of in the next 5 years if we do happen to get married. My problem with this are the following:
Genetic defects with first cousin marriage is i start getting attached to her as i am already attracted to her physically Social acceptance and bring up the topic with my kids in the future which includes the acceptance from my godmother and my brother and his family as they were already against it with my second cousin. Her educational level and finance/income (i am a struggling artist so i can not provide for 2 people let alone for myself). I spoke to her regarding this and she expressed that she wants to continue her studies and work here but she has no idea on what to do. Her current grades will be enough to do a course but nothing high paid such as a doctor, lawyer or IT. I have a feeling that she is only agreeing because it will help her get a PR in UK by marrying me as she stated this in our earlier conversation but this later changed or got hidden away as we progressed through our text messages. Texting and video phone calls get boring easily due to language barrier. No moral support of understanding of mental issues of life as she lacks experience or knowledge. Have to groom her for western society. Hope that has made sense and expressed the negativity of the situation and now the positive.
I am not the best at using text messages and calling as i prefer the face to face interaction so the bonding and getting to know her is suffering in that regards. So far we have found out about each other the following (main similarities and goals):
> Wants 2 kids
> Wants to travel and see different parts of the world.
> Have similar fashion sense.
> Wants to get married to someone that will care and respect them and not mistreat them.
For me, these things are not enough to be fully excited over a person. I asked for advice from my mums close friend. She said she will marry a cousin if they are nice but also they didnt grow up together or had much contact. She has many cousins with whom she grew up with since she was young so for her cousin marriage is weird if its marrying a sister/brother like cousin figure and not a semi-stranger. My mums friend said that its best if i give her a chance and maybe things will flourish or if they dont just say they are not working out for you. She (My cousin) has told her close friend of who i am (future husband) and people are interested in seeing me. I do not know if she told them i am her first cousin. My mum, my cousin and her family agree to the wedding but i am the only one being indecisive. When i do go to the East during this year my cousin wants to hang out with me and do stuff which is nice and both parental parties are fine with it as my cousin is the one that helps my mum out when she is here.
In conclusion, deep down i dont want to go through with this headache with the whole marriage thing and my mind is not there yet maybe in the near future. Reading materials about genetics with like reading a text argument between siblings, i am unsure on what side carries more weight. I do not have the resources to help her grow into the person she wants to be because i am trying to grow myself. Even though i live with my mum and so will she if she does move here, it will be a blocker for me as she will probably wants to do things together. Some advice on things i have mentioned will help and your experience as to why you chose to marry a first cousin.
Hello, CC. I've been in a relationship with my second cousin (or so that's how I was told we're related.) for almost two years now. While we're still young (between 18-25 years old), this is definitely the most loving, healthy, balanced and caring relationship I've ever been in and she can say the same for herself (I'm a female and she's a MtF transgender. She's on estrogen and testosterone blockers and is infertile as a result). I believe with all my heart that she's the person I was meant to be with. Growing up, we were always told we were second cousins by our family members and when things started getting romantic, we were very relieved that second cousin marriages were legal in every state in the U.S, where we reside. We've both always loved the idea of getting married and having families of our own and when our relationship started to get a little bit more serious, we decided to do our own "homework" so to speak, just to make sure we had the legalities figured out.
Well, apparently, we didn't. Apparently your parent's cousin is your first-cousin-once-removed (1stCOR), not your second cousin. Which is fine, because 1stCOR marriages are legal in every state but 6. We'd statistically be in the clear, right? Wrong. Of course we had to reside in one of those 6 states (Washington). Not to mention, we can't even get married in a state where it's legal and then come back, as the state will consider the marriage void. Now, it's legal for us to be in a sexual/cohabiting relationship. Just no marriage. When I first read that, I first got angry and defensive. How the heck would the state even know? We don't do blood tests or anything so how would they even know? Then I found out when you apply for a marriage license both parties have to record their parent's first and last names on the application. Now, neither of our parents have the same last name, but my girlfriend's mom is my maternal grandmother's sister. They both have the same maiden names. Then my mind started racing and I got anxious, thinking "during the three day waiting period the state must do a background check where they check your family tree to make sure you're not related so if we apply for a marriage license we're gonna get denied and that'll be a whole other level of embarrassment and I can't deal with that."
So now I'm in bed at almost midnight being drinking tea. I'm no longer angry and defensive, and I somewhat understand why the law is in place. It still just sucks and I'm super sad. I just want to marry my best friend. I wish I didn't look it up because at least I could claim ignorance, blame it on the terminology used by my family my entire life. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to just... get it out? Since I can't talk to my family about it (they know of the relationship but 95% of them are very unsupportive).
By The Riddler
Apologies if I make mistakes, very new here. I’m extremely happy that there is a community like this, in the world we live in.
I need your opinion on my situation.
Off the bat, I’m in love with my first cousin and I’m sure she feels like same but I need to be 100% sure so that I can make a move becoz I intend to.
We are an affectionate family, we all hug and kiss.
I’m 24 (m) and she’s 32(f) married with 2 children who I get along with well. She’s in a toxic marriage that won’t last much longer.
This sexual tension between us has been building over the last 2 years.
Whenever we see each other, we always sit next to each other and our legs touch etc for example she’ll always use my knee as support when she gets up IMO just to touch my leg.
We were recently under a blanket and I made a move to hold her hand but interlocked hand holding which she was okay with. I have hugged her from behind and she likes it.
When I hug her it’s always a bit longer plus my hands are around her waist and our legs always touch, we always give a bit more of a kiss than a usual peck. Not sure if I’m reading too much into it.
When she fixes my pants becoz they falling down she will let her hand run across my bum.
I often pass each other by and give a little shoulder rub or a hand glide on the back.
Im definitely more forward than she is but she has never seemed uncomfortable with the interactions and has initiated some herself. She regularly puts her feet under my legs.
I think she might be holding back for the same reason i am.
What do you guys think and how should I make a move? I’ve already held her hand and now I’d like to French kiss her and cuddling.
Possibly make love if it can get to that. I love her a lot.
I am in a relationship with my 1st cousin once removed, My mum is his 1st cousin. We are very much in love and happy. This was not planned and has a been a big surprise to both of us, although he has always been my perfect guy. We hardly saw each other and were not close with his side of the family. We are in our 40’s both with children. He is going through a divorce with his narcissistic ex wife (who left him for another man and living with that man) and has two grown up children, 23 and 20. Both live away from home. We have been together a year.
His two adult children gave the ultimatum of “We will never speak to you again if you carry on with this relationship”, “you will never meet the grandchildren” Initially he said fine and went three days no contact but it didn’t last. Then he finished it with me for five days which didn’t last and we decided to carry on in secret.
All the rest of our family and friends have no problem including my 14 and 19 yr old. They are happy we have found each other and wish us all the best. We have an amazing life planned together.
Unfortunately the two most important people in my partners life hate the idea. Call it embarrassing, incest, totally wrong and sick. It seems to me they only want him to be happy on their terms and also their heavily influential narc mother, who disowned her own father because he met and married a woman she didn’t like (never spoke to him again)
we are curious as to other people’s experiences with their adult children. What happened? Did they change their minds? How do we do this? Will it calm down after the divorce? When did you tell them? How long did the threats of disowning last? Help. Thank you ?
I was very scared when I found out I was pregnant with my first cousins baby. I was so afraid I would give birth to a baby who had defects. After discussing with my Dr. about why I was concerned about the pregnancy, he told me, I could have a normal & healthy baby like any other woman. He did the normal tests that you get done while being pregnant and everything was fine in my case. I gave birth to a very healthy 8lb 3.5 oz baby boy. To this day, we have a normal, healthy 40 year old. :-)
I would suggest you talk with your Dr. first and see what he/she thinks. I am quite sure blood tests can provide the information needed so, you can decide what course of action you and your cousin should take with having a child.
Wishing you all the best.