Jump to content

Recommended Posts

Hello! My husband (1st cousin) and I have been married 7 years. We have decided to go forward with trying to grow our family using donor sperm. I must admit to feeling great guilt on the subject; I don't want my own choice to accept the consequences of our taboo relationship to be forced on our children. I worry for them! May I ask about other parents and how they traverse this aspect of childbearing? I want to avoid imposing shame whilst not setting them up for harassment. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

may i ask if your decision to go the ivf route is based solely on your fear of having a biological child with your husband? fears of birth defects or of public scorn? because if that is the case, i strongly urge you to do some research, see a genetic counselor, and then reconsider based on the knowledge you will gain. and if it's fears of what others may say to or about them, then face those fears like you're doing, asking questions and stuff, and learning what the facts are so you can educate people. those who don't want to be educated aren't worth your time anyway.

my daughters were 11 and 12 when i married my cousin. they were at that age when this should have been a huge deal, because there were some children in the neighborhood who were a little less than, in every way. not many people wanted to be around them. and especially not their parents. they seemed like they would fit the *stereotypical* backwoods mountain family... mom had missing teeth, dad was slow, kids were dirty and had constant battles with lice infestations, and i hate to disparage mountain people, and i'm sure they're not all like what TV portrays them as, but this family was what you think of when you hear about people that live in the ozarks. the parents were rumored (falsely i might add) to be cousins, and everybody in our small town seemed to laugh at or about them all the time. especially the kids their age, which included my daughters. 

to top that off, our small town was VERY small, and my husband and i had grown up in it too. so my daughters were going to school with the children of our former classmates. some of their teachers were the same ones that taught us. our relationship had the potential to be devastating to their social life.

so when we told the girls we wanted to marry, we were expecting all sorts of objections. instead, they asked questions. is it against the law (we live in texas, and at that time it was not illegal even for first cousins to marry).. if we had kids together would they be freaks, were we going to go to hell, yada yada yada. we were prepared to answer their questions honestly, and we did. and 20 minutes later they were getting excited about wedding plans. as for how others viewed it? well, the bullies in town tried to tease the girls for about five minutes... and when my girls responded with facts rather than fiction, it turned the tables and made the bullies feel foolish. that was the end of that. people will only pick on people that are not able to defend themselves.

this does not have to be a big deal. in fact, it's only a big deal if YOU make it one. if you want children together, have them. there is very little chance of birth defects, and a genetic screening can detect any concerns before you ever even conceive. and then raise your children with the knowledge of who they are and never make them feel ashamed of their heritage. 

and consider this. you're living in a time when social constructs are being turned upside down. people are giving birth to children and putting "undecided" on their birth certificates where their gender should be. children are being taught that there is no such thing as male and female, that we are all on some sliding scale and that penises and vaginas mean nothing. they're being taught that they can love and marry anyone or anything and that it is A-OK.  it's mind-blowing, really. but with all THAT going on, anyone in the millenial or snowflake generations who decide that it's "wrong" for cousins to marry is just the worst sort of hypocrite. and those are people your children should be taught to ignore.

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for your time in responding! I will get back to you more later, but briefly;

our choice of donor sperm has other reasons too so it's just another "bonus" factor for us that we no longer have to consider that risk. It's not the same as IVF, so the cost and whatnot are much reduced from what you're probably thinking.

What you said about "countering with facts" really struck a chord with me. I am a very science/ fact-based type person (vice an emotional perspective) and can imagine how to do that. I'm letting fear get to me

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

  • Similar Content

    • By Jordan Colbert
      Our story started roughly 2 years ago when my cousin confessed she had feelings for me. At the time she said this is wrong and we should not be doing this. But we continued developing our relationship anyway. We planned of our lives together after marriage, babies, places to visit, things to do and so on. We lived a happy life. Now after two years of constant back and forth of; this is wrong we should not be doing it and it’s ok let’s go ahead with it, she wants to end the relationship but isn’t doing it, just putting a halt to the boyfriend/girlfriend aspect and just wants to be friends. She says, “I should have been the adult in the room. I don’t want to continue doing wrong.” She feels that when we inform our family about our intentions we will end up creating a huge and permanent split in our family. We will be the reason for our family to break apart. People will hate us. Previously at the beginning of our relationship she had said that she doesn’t care about what other people think of her. When I brought this up she said well I do care now. I tried convincing her that I’ll deal with all the heat from the family, you can even say he is the one pushing for it I’m not that interested. I’ll be able to make the family come to terms with us. But she still says even if you convince the family I know it’s wrong and my mind will not be at ease. She says even if we get married I won’t be able to live a happy life because I’ll be disturbed about the fact that we are cousins and we shouldn’t be married. Also whenever she sees other cousins they remind her that we are doing wrong. She feels bad when she sees them. Sometimes she says that I look like her brother and that makes it difficult for her. The thing I don’t understand is that these are issues that were there during the first year of our relationship, why are they becoming unbearable now. She was able to put these thoughts aside then. Why can’t she now? I asked her do you want to end our relationship? Her reply was, “Yes, sometimes I want to end it. But sometimes I don’t. I don’t know.” I said why don’t you end it then. She said, “You’ve done nothing but loved me. And that’s why it’s difficult for me to end it. I’m thinking about our relationship in a realistic way and you think in a hopeful way. There is no way our family will allow us to be together.” 
      I feel that if I can convince her that we are not doing anything wrong. We love each other and there’s nothing wrong about it, she might change her mind. The thing is I’ve tried everything I could to do that. But she doesn’t accept it. I’ve given her examples of cousin marriages happening for so many decades. Her response is that if people have been doing wrong that doesn’t mean we continue doing wrong. 
      You may think she does not love me anymore and is trying to find excuses to end our relationship. That’s not how it is. She is a tough independent woman. She does not let other people’s opinions play any role in her decision making. She thinks for herself and sticks to her decisions however painful they may be. I know her very well. She still loves me. Just not enough to marry me. 
    • By ngoclinh23
      I was very scared when I found out I was pregnant with my first cousins baby.  I was so afraid I would give birth to a baby who had defects.  After discussing with my Dr. about why I was concerned about the pregnancy, he told me, I could have a normal & healthy baby like any other woman.  He did the normal tests that you get done while being pregnant and everything was fine in my case.  I gave birth to a very healthy 8lb 3.5 oz baby boy.  To this day, we have a normal, healthy 40 year old.  :-)
      I would suggest you talk with your Dr. first and see what he/she thinks.  I am quite sure blood tests can provide the information needed so, you can decide what course of action you and your cousin should take with having a child.  
      Wishing you all the best.
    • By Yankeeshakes4313
      I'm going to share and express my thoughts about cousin marriages... Stay tuned... Good subscribe to Sage Nation.... The episode will come in two weeks... I'm going to start my podcast again on Thursday March 15th.... Please subscribe and support my channel
    • By DF
      Hi everyone!
      Thanks for having me. I joined this group because my mother dated her first cousin, and although some may think it's a a weird thing to do, she was really happy, and I was happy for her! It made me think, why is this such a taboo thing when it isn't wrong AT ALL? So I've decided to do something to help "normalize" cousin relationships in a big way. 
      I'm a professional stand up comedian and will be filming a comedy special/documentary in March of 2018 in Los Angeles. I am looking for cousin couples who are dating, married, etc. or relatives of cousin couples - basically, anyone who is connected to a cousin relationship who is willing to speak about it on camera. My goal is to inform my audience about the statistics, facts, and normalcy of cousin relationships in a funny way (not making fun of it, speaking positively about it), in order to help attract the positive attention it deserves. It would be a short interview, a chance to tell your story. I'll be interviewing my mother as well! It will be distributed via a major company/network. 
      I will be holding pre-interviews in February of 2018. If you, or anyone you know, may be interested, please have them contact me for more information: [email protected]
      Thank you!
      Delanie
      www.delaniefischer.com 
    • By kielan
      GOOD DAY EVERYONE!
       
      Kamusta po kayong lahat? Some of us couples became successful, and some are still waiting.
      As you can see on the news right now, our President Duterte said he accept same sex marriage, now he insists marriage equality here at Ph. Wala akong comment about LGBTs, pero there might be a chance na eto na ang upbringing naten. Some of us may mga anak na, syempre lahat naman sa atin gusto magkaroon ng legal basis sa pamumuhay, how about we voice out our concerns? Makita nila na marami tayo? How come that they can accept same-sex marriage while cousin marriage is not? Family code is about to change, the law is about to change. Kailangan nating kumilos, para makita nila ang hinaing natin. Im sure, sa buong pilipinas maraming kaperaho natin, humihingi din ng tulong, natatakot lamang. Actually i have to migrate sa ibang bansa para lang maayos na pamumuhay namin. Pero alam ko this year God will do something. may hinanda na siya, kaya inaanyayahan ko ngayon mga ka cc makapag usap tayo ng mga ideas natin sa thread na ito. We need corporate prayers to make this happen!
×