Jump to content
  • Announcements

    • KC

      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

      Be informed on better ways to stay safe on the web -- Source: Mozilla
Karui

Need some help

Recommended Posts

So I am a 25 year old male that is interested in his 19 year old cousin. She and I have known each other since we were really young and I can't stop thinking about her. The problem is, I am engaged. I intend to break up with my fiancee, but am having problems doing so, because of money and lack of a job at the moment, but that's a different story for another day. What I really want advice on is the fact that I feel so wrong for having these feelings for my cousin. She's beautiful and intelligent and I can't stand the idea of her being with anyone else. At the same time, I know our family would never accept our relationship even if she had mutual feelings for me. Should I just move on and repress these feelings I have for her and maybe seek further counseling (I had counseling before for PTSD) or should I just pursue it? I am just so afraid she will reject me and will never speak to me again. I don't want that to happen, I love her so much.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

it's not wrong to have those feelings for a cousin. what IS wrong is dangling your fiancee along just so you can use her for temporary financial security. or for any other reason. now we can't help you man up and stand up to your family who might (or might not) object to you being with your cousin. we can't help you gather the courage to tell your cousin how you feel. all we can do is tell you to grow a set and do the right thing by your fiancee. tell her that you don't have any intention of spending your life with her so that she can move on. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I second Lady C. There is nothing wrong with your feelings for your cousin, but there is a right and wrong order to do things in. You don't have a right to tell her how you feel as long as you are engaged. I was engaged to a man for three years, and I knew the whole time that I was in love with my cousin. I considered a relationship between us impossible, but eventually I realized that it wasn't fair to my fiancee if I was always comparing him to my cousin, and he was always falling short, so I broke up with him. I left him thinking I would probably be single for a long time, but I ended up telling my cousin my feelings, even though I didn't think there was a chance for anything between us, and even though I believed that even if he did feel the same, our family would never accept us. We are married now, and our family does accept us. You'll never get what you want if you aren't willing to take risks. If your cousin cares about you at all, it is highly unlikely she will never speak to you again, and if she doesn't return your feelings, that's on you to carry. No matter what, you absolutely owe it to both yourself and your fiance to get a job and leave her, because you have put her in a very unfair situation.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry I took so long to reply.

 

On 7/12/2017 at 2:16 PM, LadyC said:

it's not wrong to have those feelings for a cousin. what IS wrong is dangling your fiancee along just so you can use her for temporary financial security. or for any other reason. now we can't help you man up and stand up to your family who might (or might not) object to you being with your cousin. we can't help you gather the courage to tell your cousin how you feel. all we can do is tell you to grow a set and do the right thing by your fiancee. tell her that you don't have any intention of spending your life with her so that she can move on. 

I understand what you're saying and I have no intent to sound hostile, but I get the feeling you would do the same if you were in my shoes. It's literally either do this or starve on the streets. It's survival and I have no real choice. I blame myself for bringing it up and/or not going into full detail. I had no idea there would be such a fixation on this. So, I suppose I'll explain by saying that I have been looking for a job quite a lot and have sent quite literally 15-20 job applications. I haven't got a single call back and finding a job has been impossible. As of now, I do have a plan though, I am going to get a CDL and become a truck driver and compensate her for putting up with me. I am not doing this because I enjoy it and I really hate myself for doing it. I was raised to be independent and here I am depending on someone, I was in the Army for 3 years and I am by no means a coward as you imply. As I said, I really hate myself for doing this and it isn't how I imagined living my life. I assure you, I am doing everything in my power to get out of this spot and make it right to her.

 

That being said, back on topic, I have decided to simply repress these feelings. I have decided it isn't worth the risk and that she could probably do better than me anyway. Thanks anyway. 

One last note, I did genuinely love her at one point. At one point I wanted to marry her, but 4 years together I learned that we are nothing alike and I feel we both would be happier if we found someone else more similar to ourselves. She's a liberal, I'm a moderate. I enjoy video games, she enjoys watching TV. We just have very little to nothing in common.

Edited by Karui

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I would say repressing your feelings for now is appropriate, but once you are single and employed, you could always reconsider. Good luck, whatever you decide to do, particularly with the job hunt.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

i'm calling BS on this one. sorry, some other punk got me riled up. that may spill over into my response, because i really wanted to say this a little more gently. but buddy, where there is a will, there is a way. and besides, lots of people live on the streets and survive it. and i know this because i was once facing a dillemma that was just as difficult (though not the same circumstances) and i literally started researching how to live on the streets, or more literally UNDER the streets, in the tunnels under the city of las vegas where i was living. i talked to a lot of homeless people on a daily basis because i worked with a food pantry, so i was also learning where to get food, showers, etc. so pouring out a sob story about how you have no choice but to take advantage of your fiancee for financial gain because you don't want to be inconvenienced and live on the street just isn't going to garner my sympathy. newsflash, very few people who live on the streets WANT to live like that. they do it because they have to. many of them do it because the alternative is to cheat or steal or otherwise take advantage of someone else.

and that's what you're doing. you're being emotionally abusive. big time. you are taking advantage of someone who is IN LOVE with you because you're too gutless to man up and take responsibility. grow a set of balls. tell her the truth. AND tell her your fears. she has every right to kick you to the curb, but because she loves you, she may extend you a little grace and continue to support you long enough to get your CDL. but she deserves to know that you really have no intention of building the life she's dreaming of with her. she deserves to have the choice to say "no more nookie for you", because every time you have sex with her and she thinks it's the forever kind of sex, you're raping her. and yes, i mean that. you are raping her because you are taking away her ability to make an informed choice. you're raping her both physically and emotionally. and those emotional scars will run deep and last a long, long time. you've been through counseling for PTSD. what you are doing to her is every bit as traumatic to her as whatever you experienced. 

and you don't care. you don't care because you need to use her. because you're afraid of what will happen to you if you don't use her.

what she should do is tell you to go grovel before your cousin and see if she'll take pity on you. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×