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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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kumar

First cousin blocked me on all social media!!

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I know this is a long one just bare with me and please try to help

I'm 21 yr old male and my cousin she's 19 yrs old (my mothers younger sister's daughter),  my feelings towards her started when i was in university, she used to hang out in my house most of the time and we usually talk about random things back then,

recently some time ago things started to get a little bit physical you know showing cleavage(most of the time), she touches me in playful ways,and if i touch her "accidentally" by her chest or butt she never says anything and behaves like nothing had happened (for example: once we all the cousins had a outing to celebrate one of them getting married after that the party was over and it was getting late most of the rids we came in already left  there  was only one car after we crammed inside there was no space left for her in the car and one of my cousins(female ,who knows something is going on between us) told her to sit on my lap, she refused at first after a minute or two she came in and sat on my lap half of her butt was on my stomach like she had no room to fit (but it was a decently spaced car with more room to spare) and she told not to touch her anywhere or laugh on the way, I wanted to tease her and laughed for a minute and she did not take it seriously and told me to stop , I wanted to annoy her more and placed my hand on her thigh she did not say anything i grabbed it tightly but no reaction she was quite and she started to move my hand because she thought someone might see and after that my place came I got out of the car and she gave me a look like it was not angry nor happy(hard to tell), this all happened on Christmas holidays and next day she talked to like nothing had happened and after that we did not get a chance to meet because of our work,

2 months ago i contacted her and we decided to meet in her house after i went there her mother was also there we talked and had lunch together after that her mother went to sleep, we both decided to watch a movie and i sat close to her she did not say anything as usual after a while we decided to talk about relationships, and after some time i decided to leave and i asked for a hug i don't know what came over me and i told that i love her she did not say anything as if she didn't hear it at all and before going i slapped her in the butt (just for a tease and to make her react) she told me that" we should be doing this you should not touch me", i replied that "we used to touch all the time" after a moment of silence she told "that was when we were younger but not now", i said okay fine and casually changed the topic that she can sometimes hangout in my house she said okay and will come after 10 days or so because she had some work and i left after that and later that evening i called her and casually asked what she was doing she told that she was hanging out with her friends and she will meet up later, BUT after that(4 days time ) she blocked me on all social media that we are connected to, i thought i did something bad and decided not to call or bother her and give her space to think,

during this two long months i wanted to see her and talk to her but i decided to wait and  10 or 15 days ago i randomly downloaded a social media app and she was in it but i decided not to talk and 2 days ago i found out that she also blocked me on that app too. i seriously don't know that to do and how to approach her again 

things are playing in my mind like 

what if she tells both our parents and relatives what had happened

what if she hates me and is not going to talk to me again

my birthday is coming up and i invited all my cousins but don't know how to talk to her and make her come to the event so i can have a proper conversation with her

can some one give advice on what to do? please i really love her..

 

Edited by kumar

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None of us are mind readers and I can't tell you for sure what's going on in your cousins head but if I were to guess I would say that possibly your last encounter made her a bit uncomfortable. It's a good start that you've given her some space and I know 2 months seems like forever but if she hasn't made any effort to contact you then I would continue to not push her in to communication, you could still extend an invitation to your birthday party and see what happens from there but be casual about it. What you did may have came off as playful and innocent to you but given you have strong feelings for her and she may have sensed this then she may have found it very inappropriate. I don't think she hates you, I know not everyone is the same but for most people it takes a lot to hold that much anger for one person, she's family and I'm sure she still loves you. I hope I could help a bit, best of luck.

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37 minutes ago, quarter25 said:

None of us are mind readers and I can't tell you for sure what's going on in your cousins head but if I were to guess I would say that possibly your last encounter made her a bit uncomfortable. It's a good start that you've given her some space and I know 2 months seems like forever but if she hasn't made any effort to contact you then I would continue to not push her in to communication, you could still extend an invitation to your birthday party and see what happens from there but be casual about it. What you did may have came off as playful and innocent to you but given you have strong feelings for her and she may have sensed this then she may have found it very inappropriate. I don't think she hates you, I know not everyone is the same but for most people it takes a lot to hold that much anger for one person, she's family and I'm sure she still loves you. I hope I could help a bit, best of luck.

why does she find it inappropriate now?, we used to do these kind of  things like this all the time and i feel that she wanted me to do these things to her and i think that she was surprised that i wanted to move our relationship to more than cousins and she backed off and now i really want to see her and explain that we can take our  time to think about this and don't have to rush it and things can stay the same for the time being but i don't know how to tell her this without scaring her off again.

i don't know if i can wait anymore because i feel that she and I are growing apart from each other by the passing of every single day

how do i make it up to her? 

i have some ideas

1.the gift i bought for her birthday is still with me (I wanted to give it to her long before this happened) and should i attach a sorry note with it and give it to her?

2.come outright and ask for her forgiveness?

3.should i wait and give her more space and time to think (personally i think if i don't do anything she will drift away from me even more)

what should i do?

 

Edited by kumar

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Well being the cousin that was hesitant about my relationship with my cousin I could speculate but it would obviously be from my perspective. At first when my cousin flirted with me I didn't make a big deal out of it, I didn't want to hurt his feelings because at the time I wasn't entertaining a relationship with him. As months went by I felt I was starting to fall for him and it was extremely confusing, we went back and forth constantly, some days I welcomed the adulation and others I would tell him this isn't right and we should stop.

All of it was overwhelming in the beginning and there were times I considered cutting off contact with him because I didn't know what else to do. I get that not talking to her right now is very emotional but you have to consider her feelings as well, you shouldn't come off as desperate because it may push her further away. Like I said in my last post, invite her to your birthday party since it may make her feel more comfortable being around other family members but give her some space, let her come to you.

Bring the gift for her in case she initiates conversation and if possible ease in to your apology if you feel it may help. I would hold off on completely telling her how strongly you feel until you've repaired your relationship, build up your friendship with her and try to take things slow, relationships that last take time and work. 

Edited by quarter25

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thanks thats a good idea now i have to figure out on how to make her come, and hope its not too personal can you please tell me how did you fall for your cousin and what did he do to impress you, It would be really helpful for me if you can share something

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Well as cheesy as it may sound it wasn't really anything specific he did to impress me, he was just himself and who he is is an extremely thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent, loving man. Build a friendship, be you and since you both are still young don't rush in to anything, let the relationship grow naturally and if all she wants is for you to be her cousin then don't push her. It may hurt but if you truly love her do not make her feel guilty for not loving you the same way.

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13 minutes ago, quarter25 said:

Well as cheesy as it may sound it wasn't really anything specific he did to impress me, he was just himself and who he is is an extremely thoughtful, empathetic, intelligent, loving man. Build a friendship, be you and since you both are still young don't rush in to anything, let the relationship grow naturally and if all she wants is for you to be her cousin then don't push her. It may hurt but if you truly love her do not make her feel guilty for not loving you the same way.

thanks for sharing, i will wait for her

and forgot mention before something 

I think her mother knows about us , like whenever we talk she interrupts us and also if we go to an other room or other part of the house she follows us  giving some lame excuses to be beside us,I think my aunt is brainwashing her to dislike me, like if i go to her house my aunt always tries to humiliate or undermine me and badmouths my parents in-front of others and she's even telling lies about me to her i don't know how to deal with that

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Could I ask where you're from? You don't have to be overly specific but a general location may be helpful with giving better advise.

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Just now, quarter25 said:

Could I ask where you're from? You don't have to be overly specific but a general location may be helpful with giving better advise.

India

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Thought so. From my experience here in the forums there isn't a lot of good feed back from there when cousin relationships are involved (no disrespect intended). I've seen that it's extremely tough for the women who have feelings for a cousin, lots of manipulation and threats 😩  Sometimes family can be a pain in the arse, especially if they think they know what's best. If you feel your Aunt isn't treating you very well call her out on it, ask her why's she's treating you so horribly, either she'll answer honestly and you can build a dialogue from there or she'll feign innocence in which case I'd just ignore her. Just be you and remain civil with your Aunt, your cousin will hopefully be able to tell what her mother says is untrue if she continues to get to know you better.

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25 minutes ago, quarter25 said:

Thought so. From my experience here in the forums there isn't a lot of good feed back from there when cousin relationships are involved (no disrespect intended). I've seen that it's extremely tough for the women who have feelings for a cousin, lots of manipulation and threats 😩  Sometimes family can be a pain in the arse, especially if they think they know what's best. If you feel your Aunt isn't treating you very well call her out on it, ask her why's she's treating you so horribly, either she'll answer honestly and you can build a dialogue from there or she'll feign innocence in which case I'd just ignore her. Just be you and remain civil with your Aunt, your cousin will hopefully be able to tell what her mother says is untrue if she continues to get to know you better.

in most of the stories you heard are from north India where cousin marriages and relationships are considered a taboo, but where i live (in southern india) its kind of normal and legal i guess for cousins to marry but there comes the problem get this, your fathers younger or older sister daughter(who should be younger than you) can get married to you if wanted vise verse mothers older or younger brother daughter can get married to you BUT having a relationship with your mothers younger sister's daughter is taboo screwed up right

My aunt is a selfish human begin all she cares about is money, my mother gave up on her inheritance because my aunt practically begged her that she needed the money because of her debt she needed to pay off(later we found that there was no such debt she kept all the money) and she tell lies to all the family members about each other so she can benefit from it , now she is backed by two of the wealthiest family members who believe everthing she tell them ,one of my cousin(the rich kid) will touch her(the cousin i love) in inappropriate places even when my aunt is there(she laughs and lets it go) see how screwed up my aunt is.

Edited by kumar

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Yeah I'm somewhat aware of the cultural differences depending on where you live and if your cousin is parallel or cross. I'm sorry that your Aunt has caused so much distress for your family :( since it seems to be a pattern with her and being not a very nice person isn't new then I would stick with just ignoring her and proving to your cousin how wrong she is about you. We have about an 8 hour difference and I need to be up with my daughter in a few hours so I'll have to end our conversation here. Feel free to message me if you'd like or continue commenting on this thread. Hope I've helped and I truly do wish you the best of luck 😁 hope you have a wonderful day, try not to worry yourself sick about all this and don't forget to take care of you.

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I'm in the same boat too and my cousin blocked me on all social media. Well technically delete her account. Anyway it's going to be rough if she's going back and forth on it. In my opinion I think you should get yourself together first. Because that's very important. But I think you should be brave and accept your feelings first. And tell her that she is wrong to mislead you in that type of way and tell her that you are part of the CC community. It's just my opinion

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