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getting back together with my cousin, need help please

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on my previous topic i told what had happened between me any my cousin 

on short

I'm 21 yr old male shes 19 yr old (my mothers younger sister's daughter) we had a spark between us for many years, we will always use physical contact to test our boundaries you know the usual accidental boob touch and butt squeeze/slapping , 2 months ago i visited her and we talked to a bit before leaving i asked for a hug and she hugged me the words "I love you" slipped out of my mouth there was a awkward silence for a moment, i panicked and wanted to do something to end the silence and suddenly slapped her butt(both sides), she told me not to touch her and i replied that if she didn't like it, she didn't answer that and again i asked that we used to touch each other all the time, she replied "that was when we were younger" (we used to do this kind of stuff on a monthly basis don't know what she meant by that) after that I wanted to change the topic and asked her to come to my house anytime she wanted,she replied "after 10 days i will because of work", after that on the same day i called her to see if she is still annoyed with me she talked normally, 4 days after that i found out she had blocked me on all social media, i thought she wanted time to process the things that happened and i gave her some space and time to time without wanting to disturbing her (its been 2 months since this happened),10 days ago i downloaded a random chat app and found she was in it, but i didn't want to disturb or annoy her further so i kept quite,4 days ago i found out that she also blocked me on that app too.

what if she never wants to talk to me again? or she told her parents about what had happened?

i really love her and I am sure that she has feelings for me as well.....I don't know what happened this time

I really want to get back to her ,things between us are on and off most of the time but she always gets back but this time its taking too long I'm worried she might never want to be with me again

additional information

one of my older cousin (female) married her cousin (her father's older sister's son) if was months ago (our family circle accepts marriage's like this) that was the time when things started getting more serious between me and her but there is a problem our family circle accepts cross cousin relationships but sadly parallel cousin relationships are a taboo 

we never really talked about our relationship or marriage we only used to do some physical contact stuff to each other (a lot!), i think i scared her off by telling that i love her or it could be the butt slapping thing i really don't know

i haven't tried calling her out of fear 

I'm arranging a get together with all the cousins and i really want her to come so i can talk with her (don't know how to invite her need any advice or help with on the invite plan) 

I'm hoping that being with all the other cousins will ease her and make her more comfortable to talk with me 

this is my plan so far (feel free to tell me if there is anything wrong with this idea or how to execute this plan) i really need all the help i can get, I don't want to lose her 

i know most of you guys went through some kindof problems with your cousins before having a relationship with them so you know or kindof relate to what I'm going through right now please please try to help



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As I mentioned before, you could mail out invitations or have someone you trust pass one along if you're still hesitant to call. As far as the whole cross/parallel thing goes there really isn't much of a difference so as with the taboo of being with a cousin in general it would possibly be the same hurdle most cousin couples face.

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      In the last week she was here she began to play with my hair one night, and that's when I truly thought there was some sort of chance, as the last thing I remembered from that night was passing out on her in that bed. The next day she said I had to repay her by playing with her hair, which ended up happening while we watched a movie. She had her head relaxed and on me for almost two hours, sure my hands were dead at the end of it, but she really enjoyed it. The following day was completely unplanned as we managed to get our hands on some liquor and pot, yes I know we shouldn't have been doing it but we weren't able to celebrate New Year's due to travelling, so we wanted a way to make up for it. We got lightly drunk, but we got very high that night. We had planned to get "smashed" because we missed our New Years, only to find out my mom (the last of my family besides my cousin that was still visiting) was too tired to leave that night and decided to stay over, which was a major problem. We lost most control of ourselves that night, but we couldn't let our mom know what we did so we were confined to my room. All we ended up doing was laying together in that bed. We originally had plans to go in the sauna again that night together while we lightly drunk, but my family didn't approve of it for obvious reasons as they found out we were drinking earlier, so we were a bit bummed out about that. Because I was high I got the munchies, so I was constantly leaving the room for food, but I remember one time I came back to the room to find my cousin had switched her clothing. She had switched her long pants for these extremely small shorts that exposed half of her backside, which could've been mistaken for underwear, and she was lying under the covers with them. This was unusual as she was from Hawaii so she wasn't used to our Canadian winters, and even a room set at 30 degrees Celsius was still cold for her, so for her to change her clothes into something more free and cool didn't add up. I remember I was flirting with her all night and I couldn't hold myself back, there were points where points where she would lightly flirt as well. Whenever it got to points that it seemed obvious I was making a move on her she would just comment saying I was stupid or ridiculous in a funny and somewhat sarcastic and embarrassed  tone (I don't know how to explain, but you've all heard it before). There was one point that night where she took off my glasses and said I was a lot better looking without them off and put them to the side- and of course after saying that I didn't put them back on for the rest of the night, and shortly after got me to lay my head on her as we were lying down. Later on my aunt walked into the room and told us that my mom had apparently been over hearing some of the things we were saying in the next door room and was uncomfortable that we were alone in a room saying these things after knowing we had some drinks (she didn't know we were high though). Once we found this out I told my cousin I had to hangout with my mom in the other room to reassure her we weren't doing anything weird, but she didn't come with me as her eyes were bloodshot red from being so high. After this she stopped flirting with me, and when I came back later to tell her my mom had went to bed she said she was too tired to do anything and immediately crashed, she even refused to do any of our random shenanigans (like a light tickle, poke, or head rest) that night- she also changed her clothes back to before. I was extremely confused by this, as she was flirting with me and seemed like she was in an affectionate state earlier, only to be the complete opposite now. I just assumed she had possibly tried to get close to me but got a little too close and didn't notice it as the drinks and all that made it easy for her to go with whatever, and that alert from my aunt was a call for her to draw back and stop. I remember waking up in the middle of the night with my arm on her chest. I was still high at the time so I didn't see it as a problem, I then tried to do some sort of poking as a joke only to find that she was out cold, naturally as a guy I got somewhat curious and poked away for a bit, I began to get touchy but my cousin was still out cold and I felt it was a bit too much at that point, so I just went back to sleep. 
      The next day was her last, for most of the day we watched movies and she made me play with her hair again, except it was for over three hours straight- sure my arms and hands were dead but it was worth it to see her in such a relaxed state, as even in my past relationships I had never felt that feeling of relaxing someone on your lap/chest while they close their eyes and enjoy it- it's almost as if you can feel it too. When we went to bed that night she begged me to play with her hair even more that night, but she got extremely comfortable as we were lieing down. She wrapped her arms around me and held me as she lay her head on my chest and fell asleep on me as I rubbed her head and neck and played with her hair. She woke up an hour later and we talked for a bit, she said she had a bad dream and I consoled her and told her it would be okay and all that. She then proceeded to say that it was my turn to relax and encouraged me to lay on her. I wrapped my arms and held onto her this time as I laid my head on her chest, I had never been so happy and relaxed in my life. It was hard for me to enjoy the hair massage because my heart was beating so fast, but she talked to me all night and I calmed down and we had a very close talk. I told my cousin that I had poked her inappropriately the night before when she was out cold and how guilty I felt about it, I apologized to her and told her I shouldn't had violated her body even as a joke. I explained that I was high so I couldn't control myself and I took it too far, but I felt guilty about it even though she had no clue about it. She took what I said lightly and didn't get angry, in fact she almost seemed happy I was honest with her and forgave me. Honestly, that moment was the one where I have ever been so close and open to someone before, I don't think any other time in my life can compare. I passed out on her, but only for around 10 minutes, as my alarm sounded shortly afterwards. We had to get up extremely early to get my cousin to an airport so she could get on her flight. We spent some time together at the airport talking, but she could tell I was depressed that she was leaving, as well as still feeling bad for what I had did to her before. When she left we hugged and all that, but it was short and sweet- she never turned around or waved us goodbye from afar after we said our goodbyes. She still had to wait a few hours to actually board her flight as she was travelling internationally, but she had to go ahead to an area that we couldn't get to as we didn't have tickets. Soon after we left she instantly texted me, we talked back and forth, we messaged each other nonstop until she was finally able to board her flight, and when she landed she messaged me immediately and we still messaged each other quite a bit. It's been a few days since then and we haven't been talking as much, only sending a few messages a day, I try to talk to her as much as possible but she doesn't answer very often. I know she's busy with studies like me but she's also dealing with a job and I know she has a boyfriend back home. I'm beginning to think she's distancing me again now that she is physically able to be with her boyfriend again, but I can't really tell. 
      When she left I was super depressed, I felt empty inside. I didn't start classes for three more days, but during those days I almost didn't do a single thing. On the first day I took it slow and relaxed because I knew I would feel this way, but on the second day I tried to ignore it by doing other things such as cleaning up the leftover mess from the holidays and I also cleaned myself up a bit. I still felt depressed no matter what I did, I couldn't distract myself no matter what I did. I tried watching movies, playing games, talking and hanging out with friends and family (was extremely hard because I didn't want to interact with anybody), sleeping, and just doing any of my usual hobbies. On the third day I was surprised I still felt the way I did, that's when I knew it was genuine and I wasn't just making my feelings up in the moment. The depression I got afterwards hit me like a massive brick and it has been a reminder of how deep my affection for my cousin has grown, especially over this Christmas holiday- but it only took her to leave until I finally noticed how much I love her. I don't know what to do with these feelings or how to deal with them, I haven't told my cousin how I feel but now I'm seriously debating it because of the strong emotions I'm feeling. I've fell in love before and been in relationships, I have asked girls out and been rejected, so don't mistake my feelings as "my first time blindly falling for someone", I've also been rejected- so please don't think I'm afraid of that.  I don't know if I should tell her how I feel or not, I just don't want to ruin our relationship and I'm afraid that if I tell her we may never be as close again. Honestly I would've told her how I felt just the other day after recovering a bit, but the fact that she has a boyfriend she loves scares me too much to have done it. She was so close to me when she was here even though she had a boyfriend, but I know she still has strong feelings for him as she would always bring up things they would do together or how they would move together and do things together in the future- it hurt when I heard it but she always opened herself up to me still- I'm so confused about the whole situation I don't know what to do or say. Normally I'd feel like she's giving me an upper hand over her boyfriend and that possibly she likes me more but when I look at all her social media all I see is just pictures of her and her boyfriend, both recent and old- and always constantly with each other. They constantly were messaging when she was here and there isn't a moment that seemed like she wasn't in communication with him besides when she was in bed with me.  If it wasn't for her boyfriend I would've thought she had fallen for me or something, but I'm not sure anymore. I don't know what I should do, should I risk our current relationship and tell her how I feel about her even though she has a boyfriend? Or should I wait it off a bit even though it seems almost impossible to live on without her.. I know looking at it realistically I have almost nothing to gain here, logically I don't stand a chance- I can really only lose from this situation- but I'm still at a lose as to what to do.
      Some advice and/or help would be greatly appreciated!
      (Sorry for the long read, I just wanted to get the whole story off my chest..)
    • By pb
      I'm sure this is a long shot, but I was wondering if there is such a thing as a local support group for married cousins.  I am very thankful for the online support we can get from this site, but I think my husband and I would benefit from getting to know others personally in the same situation as we are.  We currently live in Mesa, Arizona.  If there are any other married cousins in our area, perhaps we could get together in person for support and fellowship.
      Thank you.