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I just need to get this off my chest.

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This might be long but I'm having some very confusing feelings and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know about them.

I'm in my 30s and I have a cousin who is in her 20s. I recently started bonding with her after getting to know her better at a family reunion a few years ago. Our family has reunions fairly often but until recently she was just too much younger than me for us to relate to each other and to be honest I barely even knew she existed. I'm not really close with any of my cousins since most of them live out of state and I am closer to my aunts and uncles than their kids or their kids' kids.

She lived very far from me but after getting to know her at that reunion I decided to keep in touch with her through social media and we got to know each other better. I feel like we've become fairly close. She recently moved for work and is now much closer to where I live. So we arranged a weekend where I would go down and visit her at her new place. In the preceding days we were texting each other a lot, just BSing. I helped her with some projects she was working on and we were continuing to bond.

I arrived and we had a fun weekend. We just hung out and talked and watched movies and such. It was fun and nothing out of the ordinary.

On the way home I got really sad. I'm not typically a highly emotional person but I knew that even though I wasn't even an hour into my trip home I missed her already. It was unusual for me that I felt this kind of sadness to be separated from someone, I haven't even missed some of my girlfriends that way I miss her now. My mood sank. I was sad, confused, and the more I thought about it the more I realized that I admired her, really enjoyed her company, and wished that our weekend wasn't over. She is an amazing person and I think that maybe I'm falling for her.

The only friend that I do trust this with thinks that I just might be confused. That since we are starting to bond now that we are older and I don't have that kind of bond with other relatives that maybe I just don't know how to cope with things. I have siblings but they are all also 10 years or more older than me. I am the youngest of the family and I really only ever lived with my brother. However, I am very close with one of my sisters and I love her to death and would do anything for her but I've never felt this way about her that I do about my cousin.

The other kicker about all this is that the cousin I am feeling all of this for is a lesbian, and in no way shape or form interested in men. And there's no doubt about that there. We were talking about past relationships and she knows that she has no interest in men what so ever. So even if by some chance she was open to the idea of a relationship with her cousin, I'm a male, and she wouldn't be interested in me anyway.

So there it is. Maybe I'm just confused about these feelings because I'm not used to missing someone this much after we've been apart, but I don't think so. With time it may die down and pass and I can let her know how much I admire her, how proud I am of her, and how  much I appreciate her without it being awkward.

As I said in the title, I just needed to get this off my chest. I figured this would be a good place to do it.

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It could be that your feelings for your cousin are emphasised because you know you can't have her.

I don't know if that's the case, but it is certainly a possibility. I'm working through it, but its rough. Thanks for replying.

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