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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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ITGeek

How to get past the scared state

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ITGeek    1

Hi all, 

Cliff Notes version:

Facbook Messenger --> set her up with a friend, date went well, not attracted to friend.  One week later, we are still messaging/texting back and forth, she comes to see me and family, my brother was in from out of town.  My brothers read all the signs, but mum is the word.  Whirlwind month of seeing and dating one another, with the constant worry, for her, of our relative status.  A month later she decides it is more than she can deal with.  

During the month we were dating, she did tell her mother, her mother was understanding and seemed considerate of the situation.  I told my brothers officially, and a few friends who I really did not know which way they would lean on the issue, but everyone I had discussions with were overall approving.  

We rarely communicate now, and I still think about her morning, noon and night.  1st cousins once removed.  but most have no idea what that really is.  I am good with 2nd cousins as a label.  I am 99% sure I am done having children.  She is open to the idea of more kids, but we are in the 40-44 age group.

How do I help my cousin  get past her scared state?  There were some very strong feelings on both sides, and there still are.

 

 

Edited by ITGeek

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quarter25    21

Have her do some research, bring her here if you'd like. I know how it feels to be terrified of what others will think and it can take a bit of time to reflect on if the relationship is worth it but the two of you are old enough to make your own decisions in life and to heck with what others have to say about it. As long as the both of you are unattached then best of luck to you.

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ITGeek    1

Feel like I am waiting her out right now.  I do not want to push to hard.  She will have to changer her mind on her own.  She has initiated communication a few times. I do get that relationships are hard.  This type most likely will add one more hurdle to get over. When the opportunity comes up, i will ask her to have a read, and maybe she will contribute.  Kind of doubt she will, but I have been wrong once before  :).

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quarter25    21

That's really all you can do at this point. I was the hesitant one before my cousin and I started our relationship and I know how that fear can be but eventually it got to the point I had to give it shot. Just give her the information, her curiosity will probably get the best of her and she'll most likely lurk. Keep us updated :)

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quarter25    21

The usual. Judgment from our family, thought it was a sin and that if we had children they would be disfigured (very silly now since we have a beautiful and healthy 2 yr old daughter).

What helped me was this site and getting to know my cousin better. They have a section on Christianity so I realized that the way I felt or wanting to pursue a relationship wasn't sinful, I looked at the genetics and saw that was a load of crap and as far as family, though I obviously love them dearly it just got to the point where I didn't really care what they thought. I didn't get a choice in who they dated or married so why should they have any say in my relationships? 

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ITGeek    1

Small update, 

We had a small conversation today.  It was nice to hear from her. It was a nice, how are you doing conversation. Whats going on type conversation.  While I miss the deeper conversations we had it was nice.  I did not push for anything more.  I wanted to tell her to come check the site out and maybe become a member. Just did not want to push her away.  

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Hawk    29

ITGeek,

 I know you don't want to push her. But, you have to at least try. It's been a long time since I was real active on here, so the several threads that could be pieced together telling my story are long gone to updates of the site. Even the CliffNotes version is windy. But, I'll try to not get too carried away.

 I have a cousin who I'm very fond of to say the least. The feeling is mutual. We love each other very much, and have always been favorite cousins. We are actually second cousins. We were born one week to the day apart, me being the elder. We'll be 55 this summer. When we were 20, we had a similar "moment", but it only lasted a couple weeks, and she got scared. Sound familiar? And, at the time, only her Mom, and her best friend and her husband, a good friend of mine, knew anything was going on. My Mom found out immediately afterwards, when Cuz got scared and we backed off. Our Moms, first cousins, would have been fine with it. Her Dad would have been fine with it, and my Dad wouldn't have minded either way. But, she had bought into the old taboos, and was worried about what some of her other friends might say, and what mine might say. I would have straightened my friends out in pretty short order. Some of her girlfriends though, lets just say they were some rough and tumble girls. She was the wallflower of the bunch. I would have told them to kiss it too, but, I could see it being a problem if some of them got smart with me. Plus, there was no internet as such, more less a site like this with so much good and accurate information. Anywho, she got scared, I didn't want to push her, and we let the whole thing be quite awkward for DECADES. Probably about 8 years ago now, I found this site, and eventually became involved. About 7 years ago, a few months after I joined, we got back in contact, had an occasion to speak candidly, and aired it all out. We're agreed that way too much water has passed beneath the bridge to go back at this late date, to relive our youth. Plus, at the time, I was married, and she still has the same long term BF. We're also agreed we have no stomach for cheating with each other, and even though I'm divorced, I still won't cross the line with her. At any rate, the night we aired it all out, I already knew all the facts, having been here a while. I was telling her the laws, the actual relation, (she didn't get the whole 'once removed' thing either, and thought we were THIRD cousins.....LOL) and the genetics, religious aspects.... the whole nine yards. On occasion, I would see her look at me funny, like she didn't believe me, or didn't believe I knew as much as I did. I always assumed she would be extremely upset if she knew I was here, but, I took a chance. I told her at one point to log on, and come here. So, she did, I showed her the info pages, and the conversation continued. It eventually got deep enough, I told her "Log back on, and go back to that site." She did, and I said "You're probably going to kill me, but, click on where it says 'Forum'. " She did. I had posted recently, so, I said "See where it says 'Hawk'?" She said "Yyyyeeeaaaahhhh....." I said "That's me......" I then told her how I found this place, and had been intrigued, and seeing as how our little moment hadn't turned out like I would have had it, I stuck around to advise other young members on how to not make some of the same mistakes, and general mistakes I'd/we'd made. I told her what my "broken record speech to young members was." She didn't say a word, but got misty eyed, and nodded quietly. (I had always known she would agree with what I was advising) So, we aired it all out, are still in some contact, and face time is nowhere near as awkward as it was for all those years. In fact, I'll probably see her this weekend, and may spend the night up there, since she's about 3 hours or so away from home now for work. Not sure, we just talked briefly. We'll see. I would say we'll at least get together for an adult beverage or two.

 All that said, I was not able to convince her to join and give me a hand with the advice. She's a very private person, with no real inkling to do so, and that's fine, I still don't push her. BUT, I CAN assure you that she would have a nice long talk with your cousin if she could. Y'all being in your 40's, and, (I'll assume) both available, I have no doubt what she would say. She would tell her that if she has a chance to be happy with you, she'd damn well better take it. Life is very short. I was maybe a little older than you when I showed up here, and it seems like only yesterday, but it's getting closer to 8 years now. A lot has happened. For me, a lot has changed. Much of it came out of the blue at me last year. I WAS happy, but that all went away. I'm not as jaded as I was immediately after my divorce in 2013, but, I'm much more guarded with my heart. I won't let it be broken again. We have so few chances at happiness, I'd hate to see you two walk away from one. When the "what if's" come, and they will, you want to be sure you did everything you could have to convince her. You may not be able to convince her, but you'll know you tried, and didn't just let her walk. The stigma is still so strong in mine, that I'm not totally convinced if she was available, she'd go for it even now. BUT, I can assure you, YOU have MUCH more information now than I did in 1983, to at least TRY to convince her. She may not be able to wrap her head around it, but, if you don't put some effort into trying, I can guarantee she's gone. You may not want to push, and you can't BE pushy, but you'd best at least push the envelope. I won't tell you to beg, but it does behoove you to do everything you can to get her here to this site, and show her all the facts. Feel free to show her this thread, and the replies, including this one. This should, if at all possible, be done in person, quietly, with only the two of you there, where you can both speak candidly. It's time to test the waters. Don't be scared. When you think you're in over your head, put your foot down. You'll find it's not as deep as you thought it was.......js

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ITGeek    1

I managed to get her to come to this thread.  I told her how I felt. She already knew, I am sure.  Definitely was not the result I wanted, but I respect her wishes and in the end I do want her to be happy.  Seems she is dating someone that has a personality like mine.  I was a bit cheeky, if you will, and said he must be fantastic!   Not sure that went over real well, but anyway.  I do appreciate getting some other points of view.  I wasn't looking for a relationship when this one turned me upside down.  

I still have the memories and they are awesome!

Cheers everyone!  

Edited by ITGeek

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quarter25    21

I'm glad we could give you some helpful information. Sorry things didn't turn out the way you had hoped they would, wishing you the best ❤

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ITGeek    1

Thanks Quarter,

She is amazing, just not in the cards. I will most likely be a lurker as I was before.  Probably best for me to post in the tech forum.

i do enjoy the success stories. Those show lots of courage!  

 

 

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quarter25    21

You're welcome. You would know better than I but from some of the stories I've seen here over the years, who really knows what the future holds. 

The success stories are my favorite part of this site ( besides helping the new members as much as I can of course) Happy lurking 😜

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