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Emma_1

Am I more than a fwb for my cousin?

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Sorry for the long description but I need some advice.

My maternal first cousin recently had a bad separation. His ex cheated on him and broke his trust. Although he told me he doesn't want anything to do with her anymore I think he hasn't moved on completely yet. The reason I say this because I've accidentally found her picture in his wallet.
Anyway, so I met my cousin after 7 years. We had a thing 7 years back but that didn't last for some reason. Now, that I met him again the spark started to return.  We both are deeply attracted to each other and sexual tension is massive. As we didn't want to be in a relationship for a reason we agreed to be fwb. 
I lost my virginity to him and the sex was freaking awesome. He just LOVED sex with me. The sex had always been passionate and hot. He's obsessed with me. He had always wanted to make love to me. He even told me I turn him on like he never thought was possible and to him I was irresistible. He even said he never felt this chemistry with anyone else. I had given him massive turn offs at times yet it didn't stop him from wanting me. Not to mention he genuinely cared a lot about me. He loved taking me out and spending time with me. Used to get offended if I didn't join him while eating. And felt twinge of jealousy if I talked to other guys.
I ended the fwb relationship with him for a reason and told him. He was deeply hurt, I could see a certain pain in his eyes. He reluctantly agreed without wanting to know the reason. And from that day he has become aloof and distant. He still cares about me and talks to me but he's toned down. 
Is it how fwb supposed to feel when the relationship is over? Why is my cousin behaving like this? He's a very experienced man and compared to him I am a novice who can't even give a proper bj, what's so sexy about me that used to turn him on like crazy?

Edited by Emma_1

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So, to summarize: you stopped having casual sex with your cousin who was on a rebound from a bad breakup, and now he's distant. I would say yes, him being distant is pretty normal in a situation like that. What kind of relationship do you want with him? 

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15 minutes ago, MissPrice said:

So, to summarize: you stopped having casual sex with your cousin who was on a rebound from a bad breakup, and now he's distant. I would say yes, him being distant is pretty normal in a situation like that. What kind of relationship do you want with him? 

I want my relationship to be normal now like cousins. No sex or anything. 

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That's a tough situation to be in; I recommend that people only get involved with their cousins when they are interested in committing to serious relationship. A little late for me to offer that advice in this case though, obviously. It will be hard to get back to a normal cousin relationship, and it will definitely take time. It's possible your cousin wanted more than a fwb relationship with you. If that's not something you are interested in, you need to give him his distance. How many people manage to stay friends after they've been in a sexual relationship, even if it's supposed to be just sex? It happens, but it's less likely than not, and that's not taking into account the part about being family. If he's still recovering from his ex, that complicates things too. 

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But is it not rebound if my cousin wants a relationship with me? When asked he told me I am not his rebound and that he imagines a future with me. He showed me a little love note that I gave him 7 years back and told me he kept it safe so that the note didn't get ruined or torn. When I asked why he still kept that note he replied "that's the only thing I have of yours and I missed you all these years more than you think." 

I really don't know what to do. I have feelings for him but I am not sure what he wants from me. He basically stopped having sex with girls after he met me. He still thinks about his ex sometimes and that makes me think I am just a rebound. But then when he cares for me and shows his affection I feel different. He had been so close to me lately that his mum started doubting that he has feelings for me. 

Edited by Emma_1

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Do you trust him? If he's saying that he wants a future with you, what makes you doubt that? 

I'm confused about what this means: "He had been so close to me lately that his mum started doubting that he has feelings for me."

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20 minutes ago, MissPrice said:

I'm confused about what this means: "He had been so close to me lately that his mum started doubting that he has feelings for me."

I mean, we were never that much emotionally close. Both of our families had arguments and fights and that always drifted us apart. But this time things are different as we are trying to bring peace to both of the families so that the family bonding stays. So, him and I weren't that much close.

Talking about the closeness, well, he will always be there to check on me and make sure I am fine and not having problems. Will sit next to me during family dinner. Every time I am at his place he would just find reasons to be around me. One day he defended me so harshly from an argument that my aunt was surprised. It's odd because nobody has seen us being that much close and truth be told I was surprised to see how much caring he has become.

And yes I trust him. That's why I ended up losing my virginity to him.

Edited by Emma_1

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From what you are saying: you trust him, he's telling you he wants a future with you, he acts like he wants a future with you, he kept a note you gave him for seven years.

Everyone thinks about their exes sometimes, that's just life. 

What's the problem? :)

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Yeah people do think about their exes, I do too but is it normal to keep your ex's picture in your wallet? But then why kept my note if he was in a relationship with that girl?

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Just wanted to say that I agree with everything that Miss Price has said to you. 

Relationships are already so complicated enough, add the cousin factor and a FWB situation and your looking at a whirlwind of emotions.

If you guys were close enough to share a bed then you both need to sit down and clear the air about everything. We can advise you till our fingers cramp but ultimately all this will be up to the two of you. Good luck

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59 minutes ago, MissPrice said:

The only person who can answer those questions is him. Why don't you ask him?

I have asked him, he said she was a part of his life because he had loved her. And he cherished my note because when he used to miss me he would read it and smile. Nobody knows about the letter as he keeps it away in a special place.

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1 hour ago, quarter25 said:

Just wanted to say that I agree with everything that Miss Price has said to you. 

Relationships are already so complicated enough, add the cousin factor and a FWB situation and your looking at a whirlwind of emotions.

If you guys were close enough to share a bed then you both need to sit down and clear the air about everything. We can advise you till our fingers cramp but ultimately all this will be up to the two of you. Good luck

He's confused I think. A part of him hasn't forgotten his ex yet. And another part of him doesn't want to let go of me. He told me that he's gonna hate the guy who will marry me and that he would certainly never attend my wedding. He has given thoughts of me being his wife and we have children together.

That's why I thought giving up being his fwb is a good option. He's going through a rough time and I want to be with him as a good friend. But he just can't separate the sex. I told him to choose some other fwb who would satisfy him more but nope, it's me or nobody else. I'm giving him space now because he's acting moody and hurt. 

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He very well could be. This is why we generally advise against FWB relationships and jumping into any form of relationship before you've given yourself enough time to grieve after a breakup.

If you're done with having a sexual relationship with him and have made your self clear and talked everything out and he isn't over it then giving him space is probably the best thing atm.

Maybe with time the two of you will be able to repair your friendship but it will never be the same. Let him have his space for now, he's obviously very emotional and he needs the time to process his feelings. 

 

 

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Hi Emma,

I just want to let you know that I am reading your thread and I am really learning a lot... I mean, especially with regards to relationship, family, to exes, to this and to that... *chuckles* And as mentioned, it really is a "whirlwind of emotions". I got no words.. No words..

But good luck to both of you! I wish you the best and keep in touch in this thread! :)

 

Pooch

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On 8/4/2017 at 11:02 PM, pooch said:

Hi Emma,

I just want to let you know that I am reading your thread and I am really learning a lot... I mean, especially with regards to relationship, family, to exes, to this and to that... *chuckles* And as mentioned, it really is a "whirlwind of emotions". I got no words.. No words..

But good luck to both of you! I wish you the best and keep in touch in this thread! :)

 

Pooch

Thanks a lot @pooch :) Sure I will. I'll keep updating if anything interesting happens between us. 

@quarter25 @MissPrice

For now, it's only " talk when needed" situation going on between us. Everything's fine when we are with people but when alone he just stays aloof. But on friendship day I made him a friendship bracelet and tied it on his hand. I was so surprised he liked that simple bracelet so much, he was actually looking at it couple of times and smiling. And next day, he gifted me cute earphones. I desperately needed one and he kept that in mind which shows he still cares about me :)

Edited by Emma_1

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