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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Joseph

Got to get this off my chest

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Hey guys - I wrote a very long story about the 8 years I've been on/off with my cousin:  it was two pages long so i have hidden it in a spoiler.

Spoiler

So i have a pretty long history with my cousin (since 2009) - so I'll try to be brief with the details, and I'll then get to my point.... This is extremely difficult for me to type out, and I'm very sorry about the length.

So in 2008 my ex-wife cheated on me and things ended... I had a hard time dealing with things for a while (partner of 8 years) and I ended up talking to my cousin a lot via facebook - I'll call her "C". She was going through some pretty rough things too and we connected.

She came to visit me, needed a break (an 8 hour drive) - our hugs lasted forever - (later she told me that she was trying to signal me that she wanted me) - at this point nothing had developed from my side. She was very sullen through most of the weekend, very hot and cold.... she left a bit earlier than I was expecting, with a bad excuse, and at this point  I realised I had feelings for her, and was trying to deal with that. She was very mean/abrupt/rude/quiet to me from that point, and it wasn't until I said, "is it something I've done?" "No" "Is it something I haven't done" "Yes" - was when I realised - she had actually wanted me to make a move on her.

Things got odd from here - she would be loving to me one day, then outright mean to me the next. I decided to go visit her, one thing led to another and we kissed, then I stopped..... it was all very fresh and odd for me (she was nothing like my ex, and C was the second girl I've ever kissed (at 26)) , and on top of this I was spinning out about her being my cousin. I told her all of this and she was nothing but mean/quiet/sullen to me from that point. I knew that she'd wanted me to make a move on her before, so at one point I tried to comfort her...... but that just made things much worse.....

Then at this point everything got a lot worse. By the end of the week I was there, I'd given up all hope of her ever talking to me again - so I left for home. (my car broke down on the way and there was a horrible story after that, but only slightly related)

Around a year later she came back into contact. We chatted as usual - i had no idea what was going on but I was happy we were repairing bridges.... from there, things got very passionate and when I drove to see her, she and I were instantly in each other's arms. One thing led to another, and we were in bed - but I couldn't perform. Aside from my ex-wife - she is the only other woman I have ever been with, and on top of this she is my cousin, so I couldn't shake these things from my mind and it affected everything.

She took this as a sign...... and again things got to be hot/cold again. At one point her mother made it clear that she knew about us two - and wanted me to keep trying - she encouraged us to dance together when we were out and I had one of the most enjoyable/memorable nights of my life.

I left, this time happy, but had to go home for work - and then the rude/nasty emails started again - this time accusing me of some horrible things..... rape.... using the family......to this day I still don't know why she carried on this way...... (this was the point i left cousincouples.com - I thought it was over for good)

Flash-forward 2 years (now 2013) - I had been talking to a girl from America for a year, and things we seemingly going well. I had booked a flight there to see her - and then C gets back in contact with me, out of the blue. She seemed nice - her parents needed some help and I was the best person to talk to - She even apologised for the way she had behaved. She wanted to make amends with me, as family, and that was that - just friends. I was happy with this - it had been causing a few dramas with some of our family - She would talk about other guys, and anyway at one point she asked what I was doing for the rest of the day, and i mentioned that I was going to talk to this American girl on skype - she completely lost it and blocked me on all social media.

Once I got back into contact with her a few weeks later, she acknowledged that she must still have feelings for me that she needed to deal with - and requested I don't mention other girls to her.

She said that i should come for a visit - her mum wanted to see me, I get along great with the whole family, so i drove down - at one point though i made the fatal error of telling her mother about how i was going to fly to America to see this American girl - He mum was delighted and blurt it out at a family dinner - C said she felt sick, and the whole dinner got completely destroyed from that point on - She left rather abruptly - her mother apologised to me, she had no idea that C still had feelings for me, her father at that point first found out, so did her sister - the whole thing was awkward, and from that point I didn't hear from C for over 3 years. Something I feel terrible about, but it wasn't my fault :(

So, now it's 2017 - she came back into contact with me around 5 months ago - "help with her router" was the reason this time. She has been married, had two kids, and is now separated - going through hell with her ex-husband. I've been helping her out with it all - giving her advice and being there for her generally. The feelings are quite clearly there from both of us - and she wants me to come and visit.

I hope that she just wants to be friends - but all the signs are there again, the way we talk on the phone, the hellos and goodbyes, even how she's missing me - (I've been in New Caledonia for a few weeks and internet is terrible)

On top of this I can acknowledge that I still have feelings for her.

Anyway to summarise - We have had a very turbulent relationship that was more off than it ever was on - and she has sent me some very abusive messages over the years.

All of my friends who know about this situation think it's a bad idea, and not so much because of the fact we are cousins (well a little bit of it), but moreso because of the way she has treated me in the past.

On top of this, a girl has recently entered my life (call her B), and while nothing has happened at all yet, I can see a connection possibility with her, and I don't want to lead anyone on. I acknowledge that I still have feelings for C and, C probably still has for me too - but if I see her it feels a bit like I'm playing Russian roulette.

And on top of this - I don't want to mention to her about B - because I don't want to do to her what happened last time - so I can't bring it up - cause I know how she will respond - jealousy, hatred, abuse.

I sincerely want to be friends with her, but I fear for what will happen if we see each other again. Our connection is too strong.

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Not sure if you're looking for advice (though I'm assuming so because of where this is posted) but from what you've wrote I'd say it probably would be in your best interest to stick with trying to fix your family relationship if that's what you want. Personally if someone accused me of rape they would be dead to me.

People can obviously change and from your last post you say that you believe that motherhood has mellowed her out some, which could be true but in my experience when someone is consistently that hot and cold and abusive it seems to be who they are.

I say continue to see where it's going with B and if she happens to come up during a conversation with your cousin and she goes back to her old ways then just cut her loose, it might be hard but you don't need that type of drama in your life, no one does.

 

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Agree with quarter25. There are too many glaring warning signs with C to ignore; I read your long version, and she's already put you in bad positions multiple times, seemingly whenever she's had an opening to. It doesn't sound like there is much potential for a positive relationship there.

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So C's mother organised a social event and I went down to see her, stayed at her place and got to know her kids - I fell into a father role WAY to easy, but I'm kinda happy to say that as far as C and I go there were no sparks between us this time - just happy family love..... so that's a bit of a relief.

On another note B and I have gotten quite close, but I find out she's Polyamorous - so now I have to get my head around that one........ I sure know how to pick the difficult relationship styles!  :-/

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maybe you just need to keep looking for the right person. neither of these two is a good choice.

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