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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Angie

Feeling hopeless

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Hi all,

 

I really don't know how to begin to share with you my 18 years relationship with my first cousin. I first met a tall handsome man at the airport 20 years ago when I came to US , who my family introduced me that he's my cousin (his mom and my mom are sisters). I liked him for very first time we had eye contact and he already had me at hello. Things started to pick up very quickly between us. We both went to high school and college together. We were together most of the time during our teenagers  to early 20s. We had good time, also sad time. We finished college and started our own careers. Then he had to move 90 miles away from home due to work. He came home on the weekend to see me and his parents. I came to see him in the middle of the week, just to spend a night  with him. Our relationship was in the secret and went on for 10 years. Unfortunately his parents found out and tried to stop us. His mom told my older brother about us. We were facing a lot of pressures from both our families. I tried to break up with him 7 years ago because I didnt think we could handle the pressure from ours family. I didn't want him to regret that his life was only me in it because our families would never accept us. I was wrong. He loved me more than I knew. He made me believe and confidence in his love that it will survive. I was so happy that I found my true love. I didn't ask for much in our relationship. I always knew we would never be normal couples. I looked forward to the day that Icould be with him.  I would be happy to spend 1-2 nights with him, doing like normal couple doing. Cooking for him, cleaning the house and waiting for him to get home from work. I know I never have a weeding like most of my girlfriends. I thought about our own weeding. I loved people prefer me as his wife, not his girlfriend. I loved to change my last name to his, but I never told him because I don't want to give him more pressure and stress. Our relationship went on like that more than 10 years. 

I thought he was okay with that. I was wrong. He's tired of our relationship in the shadow. He wanted to be normal like all the people around us, especially all of our friends started to have their own families.  I started to notice the distance between us. I started to notice that he didn't want to share much with me. He was so protective to his phone. I got paranoid. I found out he was unfaithful to me with couple women for the last 3 years. My life was shutting down. I'm lost. I decided to forgive him. I wanted to give us another chance. He's the love of my life. I don't want to give up on us because I believe he still love me.

i was wrong, again. He told me last night that he doesn't love me the same like before. His love for me now like a friend, a sister. He's tired of being in the shadow. He's tired of lying to his parents. He wants normal life. He wants to sleep with his wife every night, to cuddle, to make love like every normal couples.  He couldn't remember when the last time we cuddled or made love (he thinks I don't like sex). I want to tell him that I only want to be his girl, I want to be intimate with him but my health condition is getting worse lately. I am feeling shameful that I cannot give him all the basic things that couples should have.

Last night was the longest night in my life. Our relationship for 18 years just ended. All the memories are coming back. Looking at our pictures to see how happy we were. Remember he's telling me that he's falling out of love with me like a knife just stapled on my chest. I'm shutting down. The man that I always believe that I can share the rest of my life with just left me. I never imagine how life would be without him. Another day just started. The sun is rising. But I'm not me, not myself anymore. We're not the same anymore. He's no longer my man. He will be somebody's man very soon. I still love him so much. I want him to be happy. I want him to live his life with no regrets. Then I should let's him go, to live his life. 

I already miss calling him "honey" or "daddy". How can I go on without him? 

Please help!

 

Thanks!

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I'm sorry this happened to you.  The truth is that a man who will hang on year after year without a commitment is never going to commit.  You've been used terribly and I hate that.  

This will take a while to get over.  In the meantime, may I humbly suggest that you  do some serious soul-searching and understand why you let a man use you like this?  That way when Mr. Right does come along you will be ready to embrace it fully.

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Thanks Serenpidity for taking your time to reply to my message.

I'm sure he's not kind of person to use me for all the years. He did bought me a ring and proposed to me few years ago, but I thought that would add more pressure on our relationship. I thought as long as we are together, as long as he know I'm his that's enough. 

He wanted to move on for the last 6-7 years already but he felt bad for me. I think it's getting to the time that he's tired of living in the shadows for too long. He's sick of it.

He's the love of my life. He's the reason that I had enough strength to carry on for those years. I'm telling myself that whatever life throw at me, I will be fine as long I have him. 

He wants us to move on. But I cannot move on since everywhere I go I think of him, whatever I do I think of him.  I spent all day in bed. I don't want to do anything or talk to anyone in the family. Everything is shutting down on me. He broke me...

 

 

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I can sense that you are hurting terribly and I don't want you to feel like I am adding coals to the fire; but I am going to speak very bluntly to you.

He gave you a ring? Big deal.  Men have been known to do that just to keep a woman hanging around.  If he really loved you he would've moved out of the shadows and into the light of your love.  You deserve so much better than what you have settled for.  When you are able to think more clearly, really look at your relationship objectively.

He cheated on you with several women (some that you know of) - that's why he was so paranoid about his phone.  And yet you forgave him time after time.

You didn't ask for much in the relationship and that is exactly what you got.  He found a woman who would cook and clean for him and spend the night in his bed and that suited him just fine and dandy.  But since you didn't demand commitment from him, he didn't give it to you.

The hurt and pain will ease.  I promise.  But when that happens, what kind of woman do you want to be?  Do you want to be a woman whose happiness is dependent upon the attention of a man? Or do you want to be a woman who can complement a relationship with a man?  A woman who brings strength and decisiveness and a quick sting of a reply when your man is being a pain in the a$$?  Don't allow yourself to be anything except the beautiful, genuine spirit that God created,  Find someone to talk to about all of this.  A friend, a pastor, a rabbi, a professional; someone who will speak the truth in love to you, as I hope you understand I've done just now.

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Thanks Serendipity for taking your time to reply my message.

I think I'm just too naive and stupid. And now I have to pay for it. I believe I only love one man in life. I only kiss and make love with one man in life. I believed he's that man. You're right. I cannot depend on him to have happiness. I should find it on my own. But for now, I need to get myself together, to heal my broken heart. Trying to forget all the memories for the last 18 years is not easy to do. I think it will take long time. 

Thank you! And may everyday is a happy day for you. 

 

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