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      Get Smart on the Web   09/16/2016

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Missy

In need of help!

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34 posts in this topic

Ok, I've been in love with my 2nd cousin sine as long as I could remember. He is 9 years older then me and can honestly say that he was my 1st love/crush as a kid, I didn't see him for over 15 years and BANG! The 1st night we seen each other we slept together.

But he was in a relationship and shortly afterwards I began dating his bestfriend, but a year later I go down to visit family and we're both single. Right away he starts hitting on me and we sleep together again....this lasted 3-4 days before he began dating another girl but that didn't last long either. The whole time he said he was thinking of me and hoping that maybe she would be willing to have a 3some together once he got to know her long enough to bring up the subject (just so that we could be "together" again).

We talk now all the time and he always says that he loves me, but that we can only have casual sex secretly because we are cousins....this is really confusing because we have so much in common and seem to be a perfect match for each other in almost every way.

I hate the fact that people are so touchy when it comes to stuff like this, and know that if we did become anything more most of our family and friends would not accept it! Is it okay to be in love with your 2nd cousin??? If so then why are people so touchy about it?

Whenever I see him I become weak to my knees and butterflies in my stomach....I know he feels the same, but thinks it's also wrong because we're family. He says he thinks it's exciting because it is "wrong", and that is why he feels so crazy about me.... How should I cope with the fact that I can never be with the person I've been in love with for over 20 of my 28 years of life?

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Let me get this straight:

The first time you see each other after 15 years, you sleep together.  He was in a relationship at the time.

You see him again a year later and sleep with him for 3-4 days before he starts dating another gal.

He then asks you to participate in a threesome.

He then tells you that he is crazy about you because your relationship is "forbidden" (not because you are a beautiful, intelligent, passionate human being).

I would imagine that people are much more touchy about him being a complete a**hole than they are about you being 2nd cousins. 

You need to walk - no run - away from this guy.  Cousin or not, he is using you and you are worth more than that.

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^^^^^ yep what Serendipity said.

Except I would add run~~VERY FAST away from him!

While 2nd cousins are legal everywhere, your case doesn't count as a relationship because

you are only being used for sex and not appreciated/loved for the worthy person you are.

Get thee gone from this man!

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Ummmm, ok maybe I didn't explain it the best....when we 1st slept together it was a 3some with me, him & his girlfriend, and I used him that way because I got my other cousin to set it up even before going to see him. We seen eachother regularly after that as friends. When he hit on me a year later he asked very shyly at 1st about hooking up that night and I said yes and it went frm there.

His ex (the 1 that was part of the 3some) found out that we were hooking up and freaked out on him so he jumped into a relationship with a girl he just met that looked and acted a lot like me. We talked about it and he told me that he was ashamed of us messing around, and that it wasn't like we could date anyways. We still talked and hung out on a regular basis, and that was when he mention about us having a 3some again because he didn't cheat but could stop thinking of me. They only dated 2 months and she broke up with him cause she said he was trying to turn her into me...these are her own words to me, not his.

We still talk almost every day, and he keeps saying he loves me, but at the same time is scared if the family even finds out how much we talk. My uncle (by marriage) knows what's going on and is telling him to forget what the family thinks, but he is still worried about it.

He has been rationalizing why he feels this way is because it is "wrong" so it is exciting. The fucked up thing is that he didn't even sleep with the last girlfriend and hasn't slept with anyone since. We are both into the casual sex with multiple partners, but don't cheat when we're with someone which is why the 3some-thing isn't weird or uncommon

I'm not just going by his word either about the sex-thing, his recent ex was constantly texting me - as we had became friends - and she was complaining about it.

Maybe that explains things a little better.... :/ 

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Not really, just digs the hole deeper and my advice still stands.

Regardless he thinks it is "wrong" and it excites him!

You are both using each other. Not good for either of you.

And not good grounds to start a serious relationship.  If it

was even a possibility.

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You know, you have set yourself up to never be considered for a serious relationship with this man - or perhaps any man.  A cavalier attitude toward sex may work for a short while, but it will never be a foundation for a committed relationship.

Your more expanded (honest) explanation of what really happened only makes the situation worse. 

From your first post:

We talk now all the time and he always says that he loves me, but that we can only have casual sex secretly because we are cousins....this is really confusing because we have so much in common and seem to be a perfect match for each other in almost every way.

Even by your own words, the most important thing to you is the sex aspect.  You don't say, "we can only see each other secretly" or "we have to keep our dates to ourselves", you say that you can "only have casual sex secretly".  Do you really believe that the relationship will be anything else?  It won't. 

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I guess it doesn't make sense to some ppl about the attitude towards casual sex unless ur into the sub-goth lifestyle...

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Pretty much it's like why date if u can't due to what ppl think....no one will except it, that's the point of not bothering to secretly date

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Because 90% of the family would not except it and even disown us, along with 98% of anyone else who finds out we're 2nd cousins...it's the way society works!

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Hi!

I can't help you much for me and my 2nd cousin didn't know eachother till about 4 months before we started dating, but if you two truely love eachother then you will stand up to society and your family for the name of love. I have and it has turned out to be great. I mean are family doesn't get together with his family because of a family problem that happened before he was born and so he's not aloud to any of our family functions and my parents house in general which is the odd thing but you'd be suprised how much family still sticks around. Of course there not going to agree with it but i highly doubt they will disown you forever, it might take them a little ime to get use to the idea of course.

And as for society, :bleep: them all. I'm sure society looks at you weird for being a goth or paragan, but that doesn't stop you from believing in what you do. I say give the love a chance!

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oh missy, my heart just aches for you. i know, it shouldn't, right? you have no concern whether or why my heart would go out to you, because like the others here, i have some misguided, frigid outlook towards sex. right? isn't that what you're thinking?

but girl, i gotta tell ya something. your generation hasn't invented anything new! i know it's hard to imagine that us old folks could ever have been free-lovin' sexual beings, but guess what? we were all you, once upon a time, to some degree or other. it kinda reminds me (slightly off topic) of when i see magazines in stores about the latest sexcapades that will blow your lovers' minds... new? HA! NOT! who do they think really came up with those ideas, them? LOL, hilarious. this generation doesn't have the creativity to come up with anything new, sexually. don't get offended, my generation wasn't either. in fact, neither was my mom's generation. the same "new" ideas in cosmo, etc, are the same old tired recycled ideas that they published 10 years ago. 20. 30. 50. longer.

listen. the difference between you in your 20-somethings, and us in our 40-or-50-somethings is HINDSIGHT. we've learned that we wasted a lot of years and heaped onto ourselves mountains of heartbreak because of our cavalier attitude towards casual sex. we learned the hard way that the feeling of power that comes along with getting what we want sexually eventually crumbles into a lack of self-worth and an abundance of self-destructive patterns.

and as i read your story, i see how little you respect yourself (i'm sure you don't even realize it), and how you are inviting and encouraging men (and other women) to treat you with disrespect. i see myself 25 years or so ago. and i see my daughters, one of whom has finally grown out of that stage, and the other who is just getting started in it.

your second cousin is not off limits to you... not legally, not genetically, and not even morally... at least from the perspective of it just being that you are related. but as for any possibility of a long term relationship? you've both made that totally out of reach and impossible. there's nothing to build upon. sex is such a small part of a long term relationship, and sadly, you can't even claim that as something intimate the two of you shared. it was just a wild time with multiple partners. that's all it will ever be... just a fun time you can look back on in later years, maybe with fondness, maybe with regrets. but you will never be anything more than a piece of arse to him. you've shot down your own chances of happiness, at least with this guy. and you have only yourself to blame.

the thing you need to start asking yourself now is, do you want to continue blowing your chances? you're 28 years old! you're NOT getting any younger! oh, and guess what else? you're not getting any prettier either. it's all downhill from here baby. if you want to grow old, fat and ugly with nothing to show for it than a few pierced holes and tats, then ignore everything any of us tell you. it'll happen to you anyway, whether you want it to or not.

maybe it's time you start asking yourself what you want to be when you grow up.

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I have grown up, I got my education, carrer, was married for 6 years, had children... I was not asking how I ruined my chance with him but how to deal with the fact of maintaining our friendship while knowing it will never be because of society....

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really? because from your posts it sounded like sex was the reason for everything between the two of you. but i know it's hard to relay an entire history in a few posts.

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No, even as kids we were close, we just fell apart cuz of me being in another province.... and ever since we began to hang out again we talk all the time about anything and everything....we're eachother's support system because we have a lot of the same pathology problems that we struggle with. We don't even talk about sex or the times we have done it together. I guess it just messes me up even more when he says he "loves me" all the time.

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Truthfully, I would but he''s not ready for that! Plus he's completely uneducated about stuff....like at 1 point he made a comment that we could never have kids because they would end up deformed...I thin it's more that he struggles with his views on the subject the most. Plus his parents WOULD disown him, they have disowned their other son for something a lot less then that!

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Well, educate him with different sources about cousin relationships and put ease to his mind with that. Then let the rest fall in to place with knowing you two can have a normal relationship.

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well maybe you need to ask him to define the kind of "love" he's talking about.

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Well just had another sleepless night talking to him...he told me that it slipped out to a friend of his that we had slept together through someone else who accidentally found out & now they're not talking to him...he said it will never be anything more then what it has been because this has just supported how he already knew people would take it....sigh

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Pardon my bluntness but that sounds like BS from him imho.

So apparently it 'accidentally slipped out to a friend' , (surprising that this lil bit of gossip hadn't worked it's way back to you via other mutual friends), and it conveniently validates his prediction of other people's reactions?? 

Sure I'm prob just being cynical.  I'd like to be proved wrong but from the other posts you've published over the last few days, this guy, cousin or not, doesn't seem worth your devotion.

*sigh*  we are supposed to bring children up to be kind to others and treat others as we want to be treated ourselves.  Just how does that seem to dissipate by the time people reach adulthood? 

:(

*hugs*

Lori :)

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by the way, i merged the two topics, and since the opening post of each was pretty much the same, i elected to remove the one that was more detailed. we often get younger people here too, and we like to keep it as clean as we can.

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Well the gossip wouldn't have gotten to me cause I live in another province currently hours away.

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Because 90% of the family would not except it and even disown us, along with 98% of anyone else who finds out we're 2nd cousins...it's the way society works!

Get them to read issacc and Rebecca out of the bible, might help them understand better. Good luck with your future and stuff anyway  :smiley:

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Well just had another sleepless night talking to him...he told me that it slipped out to a friend of his that we had slept together through someone else who accidentally found out & now they're not talking to him...he said it will never be anything more then what it has been because this has just supported how he already knew people would take it....sigh

I must agree with Lori on this. I think your cousin is making this up. Seriously, his group of friends who, I assume also participate in the same liberal, alternative lifestyle, won't talk to him because he slept with his cousin?

The bottom line is that, whether he is making up excuses to avoid committment or whether he just doesn't have the balls to face any criticism from family and friends, it's time for you to move on. He's never going to commit to you 100%, and in my opinion anything less than 100% is not the basis for a happy, long term relationship.

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