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A.R Wright

Had to Get It Off My Chest. Nowhere Else to Turn

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This is possibly the hardest thing that I have ever done. I did not know where else to turn as this has been eating me up inside for a very long time. I find, and I am sure some others will agree with me, that being in love with your cousin, or, coming out as I call it, is worse than being Gay or Trans in Western Culture. I have found that the prejudice and disgust I get from most people even when, jokingly, I suggest I could possibly be in love with my cousin. And I am. Signing up to this forum to get this horrible thing off my chest was harder than I care to admit and I didn't want to even use my real email address in case it was hacked.

Long winded introduction aside I have been in love with my second cousin for over twenty years. Even since I was a small child. I thought it was a phase and I was even told, by my therapist whom I have been seeing for nine years, that it was and that I would get over it. I have stopped seeing her as even she said to me it is something that I should, under no circumstances pursue and that it is something that I shouldn't even discuss with the cousin in question. I felt that, this deep dark secret isn't something that was safe from anyone, even my therapist the person I thought I could trust with this. What frustrates me is that my our family appears to be lenient when it comes to ALL OTHER forms of love. A 70 year old dating a teenager? No problem as long as she's legal. A man marrying 5 times in the course of 7 years? Who hasn't? But this, this seems to be the one thing that both of us have to hid for the rest of our lives. Every time I see him he gives me these looks which I know are longing. We have been on a few dates and it hurts now even to look at him. He seems to be ashamed of how he feels about me. Anything he says to me now is so completely innocuous that I don't know who he is anymore.  I think of him every single day, I can't sleep or eat and what's worse is I can't tell anyone why. My mother thinks i'm depressed and I am but not for the reasons she thinks. I never thought something like love would kill me slowly but it is. As for him? Last year at our Christmas get together we were being especially affectionate towards each other. No kissing or anything like that but we were obviously infatuated with each other. The looks from my Aunts and Uncles were of utter disgust. As if, we shouldn't even be able to express how we feel without being physically affectionate. He has not seen me all year and I feel like this might be why. He never tells me how he feels, it's always just looks. Anytime we're alone together  I am happier than I could ever imagine. I know that I will never love anyone as much as I love him. I want to tell him so badly how I feel but I feel so ashamed of myself. I hate myself for falling in love with him and it seems that everyone around me is telling me it's wrong. All I needed to do was right this down. Sometimes I can't stop crying because I know that no matter how hard we try our love story will never have a happy ending.

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Man... That sucks, isn't it? :(

I got some questions though. If the people around you are quite liberal with other relationships, how do you know that they are against you guys? You say that you would know by their looks and perhaps their side comments here and there. But was their occasion(s) wherein you can strongly confirm exactly their disapproval of cousin relationships?

Another question, are anyone of the two of you married to somebody else or something? Or are both of you guys single and that just being cousins is pretty much the only hurdle you guys have? What about him?

 

Pooch

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He and I are not married. We are the same age and have just started new careers so we haven't been able to see much of one another. I have posed the question hypothetically to my family to sense if they indeed would be offended by our relationship and it seems that it is the last thing I would be allowed to pursue. I am seeing him this Christmas though so I have going to talk to him seriously. After 20 plus years of hemming and hawing it's time to lay the cards on the table. I am in the process of leaving my relationship as it has become clear to me that I am too in love with him to be in a relationship. I feel like I am playing pretend when I am with anyone else. He is not in a relationship that I am aware of and has had two past relationships. I don't know if it has to do with me, but it seems that he has not been successful in any long term relationships. To be honest a few things have happened between us in the past and we were caught by my Uncle, his father, on more than one occasion. Nothing sexual but we use to enjoy dancing together and apparently that was far enough. I am so glad I found this forum because I have truly been suffering. I didn't know being in love could cause food to lose its' taste or for concentrating on anything to be impossible. Really it is the fact that we are cousins that is the hurdle. At least for him. He seems to be too ashamed of how he feels to express himself in any way. My plan is to ask him how he feels about me so at least I know. So much has happened between us that I don't believe I am making an erroneous assumption by saying he has feelings for me. Thank you for responding. I feel hopeless but less alone :)

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Hi there,

Got it. Lemme respond. :)

Quote

He and I are not married.

Quote

He is not in a relationship that I am aware of and has had two past relationships. I don't know if it has to do with me, but it seems that he has not been successful in any long term relationships

How about you? Did you have past relationships? Boyfriends? Marriage? Coz you said,

10 hours ago, A.R Wright said:

I am in the process of leaving my relationship as it has become clear to me that I am too in love with him to be in a relationship. I feel like I am playing pretend when I am with anyone else.

Like what does this mean!?

Are you currently with somebody and that you have feelings your cousin and that you want to leave your current one? Basically?

10 hours ago, A.R Wright said:

I have posed the question hypothetically to my family to sense if they indeed would be offended by our relationship and it seems that it is the last thing I would be allowed to pursue

Yup. I understand what you mean. I haven't tried this yet (and I will)... but I think if I were in your shoes, I would not put too much weight on it. It's like being in a closet gay asking a question "What if I am gay, mom?" Though I am against gay marriage myself personally (as I am a Christian), I can see the situation to be more like "Heck no I disapprove..." But when reality kicks in (that yes, their son is really indeed gay) then there is a point of you know... consideration, seriousness, or whatever.. at least there will be some sort of pause! Know what I mean? So my point is that until you really did say that "Oh yeah guys, by the way, uhhh...I have a boyfriend.. and he is my cousin" (along those lines), you are not 100% sure on this one...

 

On your end, on the other hand, their offense would be without basis. This is not, however, ammunition to quarrel (coz we love our families obviously..and we don't want it to be torn apart), but the offense would seem unreasonable given the facts about cousin relationships. I mean, it's not like you guys are doing something illegal, or immoral or whatever..You know? If you are single and he is single and both of you are in the right age and have your lives sorted out or something,....basically clean relationship without any baggage at all, then there should be no other issue... That's why I asked whether that is really the only hurdle..,

20 hours ago, pooch said:

Another question, are anyone of the two of you married to somebody else or something? Or are both of you guys single and that just being cousins is pretty much the only hurdle you guys have? What about him?

And of course, I asked his POV as well about this. But then given your comment above that you are "in the process of leaving your relationship", it sounds to me like... err.. there are still things that you need to sort out...before jumping to another ship.. Know what I mean?

And so, coming from a guy's POV, I am also interested with your cousin's POV. Like, 20 years is a long time huh...But at the same time, quantity is different from quality my friend.. Know what I mean? So although I consider that, I am still withholding my comment with you. Coz you say,

10 hours ago, A.R Wright said:

Really it is the fact that we are cousins that is the hurdle. At least for him. He seems to be too ashamed of how he feels to express himself in any way.

You said, 'at least for him'. How so? What makes you say that? Did he say something along the lines of, "Hey A.R. Wright, if only we are not cousins, I would have _________". Know what I mean? And by the way, about the being ashamed. It depends on the situation. Is he ashamed to you? or to family? Or to friends? To whom is he ashamed? And more importantly, WHY would he be ashamed? Ask these questions or let me know the answers... This is important especially coming from a guy's POV.

 

Keep in touch. Wishing you all the best,

Pooch

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Hey thank you for your thoughtful response it has given me a lot to chew on. Especially concerning him. There are a lot of UN-answered questions I have myself like how he really feels. This is why I am going to confront him when is see him. He seems like he is ashamed to show affection towards me because of our families response now and in the past. When we are alone together he is deeply affectionate and very open to me being overtly affectionate towards him. That is when no-one is around. I don't think he would be ashamed and maybe we would see each other more often if it weren't for our family members.

As for baggage, as with many people, I do have a bit of a past and have struggled with serious depression. I lost my job a year and a half ago and have gone back to school to upgrade my resume. I am slowly getting my life back on track and he is currently substitute teaching about 45 minutes from where I live. As for background, which I know I didn't go into I have been in a relationship with a man for about seven years. He has had two girlfriends in the past and I am pretty sure he is currently single. My cousin and I didn't see each other for six years and reunited four years ago at a birthday party for my great Uncle. We walked together and that is when i realized that the current relationship I was in was based on a lie. At least a little bit. I was still desperately in love with my cousin and had not fully gotten over him, despite feeling, hoping and convincing myself that i was in love with this other man. Recently it has gotten to the point where being intimate with my boyfriend doesn't feel right unless I close my eyes and pretend it's my cousin. I don't want to hurt him anymore so I am trying to break up with him. It has been slow and painful since I want to remain friends but I want to make it clear that it is nothing more than that.

 

I think if we were to pursue each other things would be very tense with our families and we might possibly be banished as in, be told by our parents that they don't want to see us anymore. Best case scenario if we were to get together and, in my wildest fantasies, get married either they would come around and just silently accept that we were a couple or they were embrace that fact that both of us, who to be frank have been suffering to varying degrees over this as in never having a successful relationship, were finally happy and in love.

This Christmas I am going to be testing the waters, to see if he is finally willing to say what he is thinking. And it does bother me that it is such an issue with our family. We are both consenting adults in love and It frustrated me to know end that I feel like I have this burning secret on the tip of my tongue that is destroying me slowly. He hasn't told me whether not he is currently, as in the past few months, been in a relationship but he works every single day and weekends so the likelihood is none-to-slim. I did confess in a way I said via text "When my birthday comes around I miss you. I love you and I miss spending time together" His response as usual was rather innocuous, "I understand how you feel but at least we are closer now. I am living in B and would love to come to T sometime." I had no idea what to make of that.

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Last thing, can't sleep, and I hope I am not misreading signs here but the reason why I feel like his feelings for me have gotten stronger is that when we reunited we went on a date for the first time. Usually we were just spending time we each other at family gatherings and the like. It was a bit awkward but I was very affectionate and he seemed very comfortable and willing for me to stroke his hair, touch his hands etc. As we were leaving I caught him looking at me as though he was going to kiss me. He then awkwardly hugged me and left for work. The second time we saw each other he never wanted to be more than a few feet from me and had his arm around me when people weren't looking. I keep catching him giving me these looks and staring. But when I try and talk to him alone he just gets all quiet. And I have been asking to see him for a year now and he rarely responds. I am flummoxed. Anytime I see him I seem to be the center of his world but if we are not together I feel like he has forgotten about me. Yet when I mentioned I would be coming for Christmas (sometimes we do things on my fathers side that day) he seemed genuinely excited. I am dealing with an Enigma. Anyways that's all I have really in terms of his perspective.

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HI there,

On ‎12‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 8:49 PM, A.R Wright said:

When we are alone together he is deeply affectionate and very open to me being overtly affectionate towards him. That is when no-one is around. I don't think he would be ashamed and maybe we would see each other more often if it weren't for our family members

I understand. With regards as to why he is like that at present (you think that it's because as to how family reacted in the past), only he can tell us that...not me, not you. So I would withhold my comment on that. However, I am glad that he is affectionate when you two are alone. I guess that brings me comfort. :) Coz if he is the same way when you guys are alone, I'm like "What the heck!?" :huh: you know what I mean? hehe.

Anyhow,

On ‎12‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 8:49 PM, A.R Wright said:

I am slowly getting my life back on track and he is currently substitute teaching about 45 minutes from where I live. As for background, which I know I didn't go into I have been in a relationship with a man for about seven years. He has had two girlfriends in the past and I am pretty sure he is currently single

I see... So you are still figuring things out at present. Well, first of all, I really do hope it works out for you! Seriously.. I really mean that. I hope they call you more often and would get a full time position. Keep your eyes open. 45 minutes for me is a long drive (as I live in a small city) but hey, if it works out for you, then I wish you all the best. Anyways, so you have a current relationship which is 7 years. And you felt that there is a falling out. Actually, I just want to know if you are married or not. Coz for me, if you are married already to your current relationship then pretty much it's a wrap for me... Know what I mean? Like, marriage for me is a big deal so I wouldn't even bother. But then common-law, insofar as a charitable comment is concerned, would fall on the same category -- methinks. Like, if you are commonlaw with this guy for 7 years, I mean, there's gotta be a REALLY REALLY heavy reason for a falling out, girl!? Know what I mean? But then, ok, hands up, it's up to you.. I'm just saying that 7 years is a long time. I would build that relationship and salvage it and invest on it and this and that more than my cousin (this is just IF I were you, okay? So take my comment with a grain of salt... lol) The grass always looks greener from the other side until you are there,....

However, if as you said, the current relationship is based on a lie, then you know your situation the best...better than anybody else here.. If that's the case though, you gotta break it up with him first,... Like clean break up, before embarking on another one with your cousin. What I mean is like don't treat your cousin as your "captain savior". That's gonna be unfair to your cousin. In other words, If you still have feelings for your current, mend it. If not, break it -- BEFORE going for another one with your cousin. If your cousin learned that you want to be with him coz your current one fails, that will not be a good situation for both of you.

On ‎12‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 8:49 PM, A.R Wright said:

I don't want to hurt him anymore so I am trying to break up with him

Maaan... I don't know what to comment to be honest. I understand but at the same time I don't. lol.

You see, you don't want to hurt him but you are going to be hurting him badly...because you are cheating on him. Crazy eh?! Yeah you are cheating on him. Not good. Why are you doing this!? Why go for your cousin?! Why not salvage your current relationship!? That part, I will never ever understand. I have never been in that situation -- and I don't plan to be. So I really don't know what to say, my friend.. A pair of friendly slaps in the face might help to awaken you in your senses might help, perhaps!? lol :lol:

But at the same time, I kinda understand what you feel. You want to be through with your current one and cast him in the deepest part of the pacific ocean, be forgotten, never to be seen again, right? Then be with your cousin forever and ever...only if he step up, not be ashamed, do his thing, clarify things this December what really is the case, and this and that. Right?

My advice for you Ms. A. R. Wright is to be simple in your emotions... Like, don't B.S. things around. Otherwise, it's going to be too much.. too much on your mind, too much on your heart, and too much on your eyes. You will cry again and again if you continue like this! Don't you think!? Seriously! This is horrible.

For example, when he said,

On ‎12‎/‎1‎/‎2017 at 8:49 PM, A.R Wright said:

His response as usual was rather innocuous, "I understand how you feel but at least we are closer now. I am living in B and would love to come to T sometime." I had no idea what to make of that.

Why not ask him, "What the heck do you mean by you are living in B and would love to come to T sometime?" Are B and T places? By the way, don't worry about privacy issues here in this forum my friend.. I don't know you and you don't know me.. Your anonymity is preserved here so don't worry about those somebody tracking you down. lol. Anyhow, so he said that he would love to come to T sometime. I assume that it's a place where you are right now. Then interpret it at face value -- he would love to come to your place sometime. Let him come then! You wait.

And in the meantime, fix your current relationship -- that is if you still have the heart to do so... ?

I mean, if you already went out for a date with him,... err...

On ‎12‎/‎2‎/‎2017 at 2:16 AM, A.R Wright said:

I feel like his feelings for me have gotten stronger is that when we reunited we went on a date for the first time

You are having a date...while being in a relationship for 7 years... see the disconnect I have here?

On ‎12‎/‎2‎/‎2017 at 2:16 AM, A.R Wright said:

But when I try and talk to him alone he just gets all quiet. And I have been asking to see him for a year now and he rarely responds. I am flummoxed. Anytime I see him I seem to be the center of his world but if we are not together I feel like he has forgotten about me. Yet when I mentioned I would be coming for Christmas (sometimes we do things on my fathers side that day) he seemed genuinely excited. I am dealing with an Enigma. Anyways that's all I have really in terms of his perspective.

I feel for your cousin.. hehe.. really. I will post more about this paragraph later as I need to get back to work..

 

Pooch

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Continuation:

1 hour ago, pooch said:

But when I try and talk to him alone he just gets all quiet. And I have been asking to see him for a year now and he rarely responds. I am flummoxed. Anytime I see him I seem to be the center of his world but if we are not together I feel like he has forgotten about me. Yet when I mentioned I would be coming for Christmas (sometimes we do things on my fathers side that day) he seemed genuinely excited. I am dealing with an Enigma. Anyways that's all I have really in terms of his perspective.

First of all, what are the stuff that you talk to him about? If you talk to him about the weather, is still 'quiet'? Or do you ask him about like big stuff, say "What do you think about cousin relationships?" If this is the case, I surmise that he "gets quiet" when he comes to the "big stuff". If he is also quiet in 'small stuff' then let me know.. But then I am under this assumption right now. At any rate, I do think that he is quiet with the big stuff when you talk to him because he is still gathering himself. He is composing himself as to what to tell you. Give him some time. Don't be impatient with his answer. Having said that, spending time with him is utmost importance if you really want to know what's on his heart. That would be in the long run though. In the meantime, you need to be used to him in exchanging emails. Emails are better for you (not text, nor phonecalls) because at least in emails, you can gather your thoughts...you can compose yourself. Know what I'm saying?

When you feel like he's forgotten about you, the reason is because you two are not  yet together! You still have your current bf. I mean, if I am your cousin, I WILL stay away from you! Because you still have baggages and stuff... not to mention my busy schedule at work! And so, it's not that he has forgotten you. You gotta check your biases as well.. It may be the case that you merely interpreted that he feels distant -- but really he isn't. Just a consideration. However, in the light of your current relationship, it is no wonder that he will tread on some mines here and there..you know? There's a lot to figure out here, Ms. A.R., Wright..

 

Pooch

 

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As someone who waited nearly 30 years to marry my cousin, I'm going to encourage you to go for it.

I noticed that your signature is Pilipino.  I don't know what the social or legal norms are there concerning cousin marriages/relationships.  Barring any legal complications, pursue this relationship in spite of the flack your family may give you.  They don't get to decide your path to happiness.  They don't have to walk in your shoes everyday.  I've learned that my family doesn't truly wish me well due to their cold-shouldered response to my  husband.  That's their loss.  Yes, it's easier to say that to accept - I still cry on occasion over  their actions towards me.  But ultimately, I am happier with my husband's love than with the conditional requirements of my family.

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7 hours ago, Serendipity said:

As someone who waited nearly 30 years to marry my cousin, I'm going to encourage you to go for it.

I noticed that your signature is Pilipino.  I don't know what the social or legal norms are there concerning cousin marriages/relationships.  Barring any legal complications, pursue this relationship in spite of the flack your family may give you.  They don't get to decide your path to happiness.  They don't have to walk in your shoes everyday.  I've learned that my family doesn't truly wish me well due to their cold-shouldered response to my  husband.  That's their loss.  Yes, it's easier to say that to accept - I still cry on occasion over  their actions towards me.  But ultimately, I am happier with my husband's love than with the conditional requirements of my family.

Hi Serendipity,

Yep. Same here. I would say go for it... as long as it is clean. :D

Anyhow, with regards to the Filipino culture (I admit my bias), family is quite important to us...and this involves both the likable ones and the unlikable ones...if you know what I mean. It's just the way it is, I guess... The flack that family might give a couple can be a heavy burden for one of the spouse...a weight that is so heavy in a tight-knitted community. Filipinos have close-family ties and really are like honeybees. lol. But I understand what you are coming from.. That there's gotta be a point wherein sometimes you gotta take care of your own happiness. You know?! It is normal. It is natural to be happy -- still doing "disapproving things that will make you happy" even if it's in conflict with the happiness of other relevant relatives.

And to a Filipino, it is definitely a struggle.. And in the context of cousin relationships, because even though we want to disappear from them, elope, or I dunno... live in the North Pole (or something?), it is a given that we gotta at least consider the feelings of the family around us. Like we gotta do some due diligence on this and that.. Not really to ask permission or what but it is almost like that. It is what it is though. :D

But you know what though? It is both a blessing and a curse. lol. And so when you said,

Quote

I've learned that my family doesn't truly wish me well due to their cold-shouldered response to my  husband.  That's their loss.  Yes, it's easier to say that to accept - I still cry on occasion over  their actions towards me.  But ultimately, I am happier with my husband's love than with the conditional requirements of my family.

I envy you! I really do. And I wish I can do that. And I want to do that actually.... I just need the right timing. It's not a band-aid that you just peel off. I mean, I can do it -- but I will regret things at the same time if we (me and my cousin) do it incorrectly. So conservatively, I kinda choose the safer route. The thing is though, this ("That's their loss") is my stance too! Especially if push comes to shove, you know? But I don't want to come to a point that even they would have that loss.... know what I mean? I want them not to lose anything. Families are not bad people -- even though some of them or a lot of them are unlikable. lol

Soooo yeah.. There goes my bias. Thanks for the 2 cents though! :) Appreciate it.

 

Best,

Pooch

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Hello again! again I am so glad that I found this forum I cannot tell you. I have felt so lost and alone that I couldn't even tell my therapist. Anyways I do have quite a lengthy response but I was so happy to hear advice I am typing part one during my class break.

I have an extremely complex relationship with my current boyfriend. And at this point, to be fair, I wouldn't even consider it a relationship. We are friends with benefits at best. For the first four years of our relationship it was certainly amazing. I had thought, wow I am finally in love again, and was completely dedicated and ready to be serious. Things fell apart rather quickly as I discovered that he is extremely possessive and disappointed me over and over again. I won't go too into it but after about four years I felt that I was ready to move on. We never moved in together and we see each other once or twice a week at best. In the beginning it was more often. I did love him at one point but it has become clear to me that I am no longer in love with him. When I reunited with my cousin four years ago it was clear to me that I was still in love with him. I suppressed this and did make a concerted effort to salvage my current relationship. Recently I did actually confess to my boyfriend that I was in love with my cousin. I asked him why he thought my cousin was staying away from me and he said that because it is morally wrong and that he felt my cousin didn't want to be tempted to "do something stupid". We certainly have hurt each other in the past but for the past three years I have been very much more honest and forthcoming when it comes to my feelings. I do not feel like I am cheating on him as we both know where we stand in terms of our relationship. It is mostly physical and we are fulfilling each others needs. He has made it clear that he is not interested in marriage, I am. He wants kids, I don't. We are on two completely different planes in terms of values and understanding each other.

 

As for my cousin, he probably does feel like I have some baggage but then again who doesn't? Otherwise the world would be a perfect place with no divorce lol. At first I though I was seeing him as a shining knight on a white horse type of situation (you know, come save me from my sorrow and this terrible relationship) But as time went on and my relationship became more transparent I realized that of course, I can only save myself from sadness, and that my relationship was a dead end. I guess I do need a clean break but for the past year we have make it very clear that we are just friends who sleep together not boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess I should have made that more clear. I certainly don't want to B.S anyone especially someone I care about and I do still care about this man I just am no longer in love with him. Something I have told him myself.

What I am hoping will come out of this Christmas is more of an understanding of where my cousin stands so to speak. I have just been feeling this way for a very long time. I even told my mother in a very obscure way. She warned me that it is a Davies trait (her side of the family) to get more than they give and not to get myself hurt. She warned me that that side of the family can be selfish and two faced and to make sure that I don't get hurt. I told her I missed him so much and that I wanted to see him so badly. She told me to let him come to me as I was they one to go up to the suburb where he lives and see him rather than him driving to the city to see me. It's 30 minutes in good traffic I should say, 45 in bad. He said he wanted to come to the city where I live. I believe him and I want to believe he hasn't changed for the worse and that he means what he says. As for the quiet attitude, he is a deeply shy and self conscious man my mom also told me not to take his withdrawal personally. She says its amazing that he texts me since that side of the family is so unreliable. There is a long and hurtful history behind her words and I am hoping to discover on December 25th that the love of my life is different.

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I should also make it clear that my cousin and I, our date, was really just catching up to get a coffee. We were probably more affectionate towards each other than we should have been I suppose but this was two years ago and my boyfriend and I had been trying a trial separation so to speak. I should also say I probably do need quite a bit of clarification from my cousin. We have both been told our entire lives that the feelings we have for each other are morally wrong. I was constantly reprimanded by my Aunt and Uncle even just for being so close to him. If he feels anything for me he is burying it deeper than I ever have. B is the suburb he lives in and T is the city I live in. I don't think that I would be pursuing it right away I just think I need to get my love for him off my chest and tell him to relieve 20 years of pain and heartache. I want to know how he truly feels about me and maybe at that point either we will both be too chicken sh** to do anything about it and continue in a relationship half heartedly for the rest of our lives or there will be some sort of discovery. As for my boyfriend he knows and feels that I am morally wrong for feeling the way I do. We both have physical needs that we fulfill for each other, but long term I see no future. 

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Hi there,

27 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

Hello again! again I am so glad that I found this forum I cannot tell you. I have felt so lost and alone that I couldn't even tell my therapist. Anyways I do have quite a lengthy response but I was so happy to hear advice I am typing part one during my class break.

I'm just glad that we here in CC can be of help! :)

28 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

I have an extremely complex relationship with my current boyfriend. And at this point, to be fair, I wouldn't even consider it a relationship. We are friends with benefits at best. For the first four years of our relationship it was certainly amazing. I had thought, wow I am finally in love again, and was completely dedicated and ready to be serious. Things fell apart rather quickly as I discovered that he is extremely possessive and disappointed me over and over again. I won't go too into it but after about four years I felt that I was ready to move on.

I see....

To be honest, I don't think I can comment on this paragraph with empathy, A.R. Wright, because this hasn't been my experience. I never had a FWB relationship nor knew anybody within my social circle that has been one. So I am very sorry. I hope that some other members in the forum can chip in...

At any rate, here's what I can say though, 4 years?! That's a long time... I mean, after 6 months, a girl would've been like "checking reality already", isn't it? As to why you did invest 4 years to this guy is beyond me... 4 years of your heart, 4 years of your weekend, 4 years of happiness, both ups and downs...You don't have to answer but for me it's puzzling. I do think that you still have feelings for your current one during year 4 but eventually faded away during the last three years. And now you want to call it quits. But then you said, "I don't want to hurt him anymore so I am trying to break up with him" which shows the deep complexity of this web of feelings. Soooo yeah.. I will let you sort that out. Again, you don't have to answer but I just want to say that because if I am the guy (your cousin), I will run away as far as possible from you. Because you bring drama and complications to my life. You know what I mean? Being in a relationship is hard already, let alone cousin relationships! Yikes. Sigh...

But on a positive note, I do believe that you have learned your lesson already on this chaos. I really hope so. I wish you all the best in your conversation with your cousin in 2 weeks. You gotta be straight up with him though. However, don't pretend. Be honest with him. Do it alone with him, tell him what you feel straight up from your heart. However, here's the catch: I suggest that you compose yourself first. You cannot just "jump right in" coz sooner or later it might go bad on your end as you will go deep into the pool so fast you don't even know. So make sure you compose yourself when you talk to him. If you can spend at least 1 hour or 2 hours alone with him with serious talk, that's the best.

That's all that I can say...

49 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

I guess I do need a clean break but for the past year we have make it very clear that we are just friends who sleep together not boyfriend and girlfriend. I guess I should have made that more clear. I certainly don't want to B.S anyone especially someone I care about and I do still care about this man I just am no longer in love with him. Something I have told him myself.

Got it. If he is seeing somebody and you are with your cousin here on the other side, then I guess it's even. *shrugs* Does your current FWB know your cousin personally? Or vice versa? I mean, have they seen each other? Or talked/introduced to each other? I hope not...?

51 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

She told me to let him come to me as I was they one to go up to the suburb where he lives and see him rather than him driving to the city to see me. It's 30 minutes in good traffic I should say, 45 in bad. He said he wanted to come to the city where I live. I believe him and I want to believe he hasn't changed for the worse and that he means what he says. As for the quiet attitude, he is a deeply shy and self conscious man my mom also told me not to take his withdrawal personally. She says its amazing that he texts me since that side of the family is so unreliable. There is a long and hurtful history behind her words and I am hoping to discover on December 25th that the love of my life is different

Perfect...!

I think you will be fine! Keep ya head up. :)

 

Pooch

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32 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

I should also make it clear that my cousin and I, our date, was really just catching up to get a coffee. We were probably more affectionate towards each other than we should have been I suppose but this was two years ago and my boyfriend and I had been trying a trial separation so to speak. I should also say I probably do need quite a bit of clarification from my cousin. We have both been told our entire lives that the feelings we have for each other are morally wrong. I was constantly reprimanded by my Aunt and Uncle even just for being so close to him. If he feels anything for me he is burying it deeper than I ever have. B is the suburb he lives in and T is the city I live in. I don't think that I would be pursuing it right away I just think I need to get my love for him off my chest and tell him to relieve 20 years of pain and heartache. I want to know how he truly feels about me and maybe at that point either we will both be too chicken sh** to do anything about it and continue in a relationship half heartedly for the rest of our lives or there will be some sort of discovery. As for my boyfriend he knows and feels that I am morally wrong for feeling the way I do. We both have physical needs that we fulfill for each other, but long term I see no future. 

Understood. :)

Can I ask you a question though? What if your cousin wants kids? :ph34r:

As to the disapproval of your Aunt and Uncle, I just have a curious question: Is it legal for cousins to marry in your state? The thing is, that might (not saying that it will, but 'might') affect their feelings towards both of you if ever you discover something between the two of you, you know what I mean? ;)

Pooch

 

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Thanks again! My class just finished so I have a quick response. As for my previous relationship on a final note. Things were actually quite happy for sometime before things went south so to speak. We did manage to sort out his possessiveness and I was pursing a career that I thought I enjoyed. There was drama, as with all relationships but we did love each other very much. It was a learning experience for both of us and as for time, I consider it precious time spent. It is extremely complicated, as I said, and difficult to explain in full, which makes it seem much more drama filled than it is. We did actually officially end things almost two years ago so in reality it has been an off again off again thing. I have been very involved in school and work so I haven't really had the time or want to be in a dedicated relationship. I wouldn't judge FBW relationships too harshly. Although it is not conventional, we have both put our drama out the door and focused on being their for each other as friends. I find it is much more constructive for the both of us this way. When I said I didn't want to hurt him, at the time, and I know that was only I week ago, he was beginning to send me mixed messages about our relationship. The marriage and kids conversation didn't even come up until we were three years into our relationship. Neither of us had really thought of it and were caught up in, what at the time, was a bit of a whirlwind romance. We have had an in depth discussion about this relationship I have with my cousin and the feelings I have harbored for him. My friend (I think that's a more accurate way to describe him ) told me how he felt about it and we discussed what he thought I should do about it. I am actually Canadian so it is legal here it is just considered immoral among most people. My friend is not seeing anyone at the moment and we see each other once a week at best. We discuss our careers and the like but we are finally on the same page with regards to our relationship. As for my cousin, I am a complex women and so I am sure there will be much to discuss when I see him. I am by no means going to pursue anything until I have my career and my relationships fully sorted out. My last intent is to laded an already extremely controversial relationship with excess baggage. My hope is that we can both come to an understanding of how the other feels, cards on the table, and maybe where we both are at. Even if things don't pan out I do miss being as close as I used to be with him so I am hoping at the very least for a repaired friendship. I am past the knight in shining armor complex I had and am ready to face reality with an open heart. A lot of things have happened this week. I have come to terms with a great deal and that initial post seems to me like a distant tear filled cry of a desperate girl. whatever may be may be but I am glad to have been able to hash this out among like minded folks with similar conundrums. 

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21 minutes ago, A.R Wright said:

I am actually Canadian so it is legal here it is just considered immoral among most people.

Yep! I am so glad that it's legal here! LOL

Pooch

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Sorry and I also meant to add a ;) After don't judge too harshly I am sure you're not judging FBW you just have not experienced it for yourself which is completely understandable.

Also thank you Serendipity! Once I climb out of purgatory (I am doing odd jobs to jet by but honestly being in-between jobs in an expensive city is like living in purgatory) maybe my cousin and I can have a happy ending of sorts. We will see. I will definitely be sharing the outcome of our conversation in December. Thank you so much again. It was your words Pooch that encouraged me to have a serious discussion with my mother and friend about my cousin. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest. I am finally  being honest with my feelings and don't feel like I am somewhere where I will constantly be shamed for feeling this way. Here's hoping there will be another chapter to my love story :)

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An unfortunate update to the story. I have been told that we are not going for Christmas this year. I don't know why but apparently my mom says we absolutely have to do Christmas with my fathers side on Christmas day. I was furious and distraught. I still don't understand why we don't do what we used to do which is rotate and do Christmas with my father family one year on Christmas day and the Next year rotate it to boxing day. I am completely numb. She told me about three weeks ago and since then I have been in and out of a deep depression. I no longer care about Christmas. We were supposed to go up there in the afternoon to visit as a kind of compromise but my brother is going away for work and has to leave Christmas day in order to get there on time. So no we have no way of getting up there in the afternoon as he has the car. I don't know what to do with myself so I am writing on this forum.

My mother and I had a very long talk about my relationship with my cousin.  I broke down in tears when she told me that we were'nt going up to the suburbs to see that side of the family. I couldn't stop crying and I even told her that he is one of the few people that makes me truly happy. I told her how I felt about him completely and her response was well, interesting. She told me that the relationship I have with him is an illusion likely brought on by depression and the fact that I associate him with a time long past, a happier time, my childhood. And that anything deeper I felt was just nostalgia manifested by loneliness and not enough to do. She re-iterated that she felt that it was his responsibility to make the effort to see me and that we were only going to go up there every two years from now on. Which made me so furious considering we NEVER see that side of the family and we see my father's side all the damn time. That she made her choice and that my fathers family is more important to her. I have tried many times to see him this year. That side goes up to their summer home where we used to have a place before the recession. He wanted me to come then. I didn't. At thanksgiving I didn't see him. We have been in touch all year and I have been told again and again that it should be him to make the effort. I have wanted to see him but I been told again and again by my mother that that side of the family is so too faced that I shouldn't trust that he really wants to see me. That what we had was nothing more that being cousins. Not even a friendship. I don't know if she was trying to plant the seeds of doubt but it seems to have worked.

I feel that my feelings are being manipulated by my family. I thought I knew that I loved him and I am sure I still do. I don't know why this is happening and I am not sure where to go from here. He sent me a text after I told him that I probably wouldn't be able to come and he said the following "Hey! If you are able to come down to the dirty B that afternoon that would be great. If not i'll probably be able to go into T to hang out over the break. I'm sure we'll see each other over the break!" I believe him and I love him and always will. If I am in a toxic relationship it is with my family and the sooner he and I are independent the better. I feel that we are both being kept apart by our families. Both of us, unfortunately, still live at home. Which was fine, but now that it is becoming a toxic block it is harder to bear. I don't feel his family encourages him to see me either. I am hoping that he is telling me the truth and that one way or another we will see each other during the break.

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ok, i know i'm late to the game and i'm being lazy by not reading the entire thread up til now. but my understanding is that you are a full grown woman. why are you getting so depressed over your mother's plans? why don't you just tell her "hey, i have my own plans" and do what YOU want to do? you're not a child who is expected to obey your mom's every wish and command. your mom has an agenda... to keep you two apart. she can only win if you allow her to. so stand up for yourself. and quit letting her dire warnings make you doubt what you feel. 

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I certainly understand not reading the whole thing lady see! It is a very long and complicated story :-) as for why I'm not standing up to her. We have a very difficult relationship and even though I have graduated college and I'm starting a first career things are still a bit tense. It's not really so much that I am afraid of disobeying her it's more that going up to the suburbs where he lives has become technically complicated. It's the same reason that I didn't go to Thanksgiving or to the summer home during this past summer. It involved getting a drive from one of my siblings and then being picked up and taken to this particular place. I will admit I am feeling intimidated by her words and confused about my feelings. As for this particular Christmas the monkey wrench really is that weird now down to one car. My brother is going away for work and he was both my brother and I ride. It is particularly difficult to get to the supper by transit and considering the event is on Christmas day that makes it even more complex. I have actually been hemming and hawing as to whether to go with my grandparents who are also going out to this family event. The reason I haven't high is because my father's family is celebrating this day and I am being made to feel like I'm abandoning them for doing so. My sincere hope is that we'll see each other during this holiday. I certainly am tired of being under the Iron Fist of her and I am going to try my best to stand up to her. Something that I don't usually do. She was certainly successful in planting the seeds of doubt and I began to feel that my feelings were him we're just brought on by loneliness and mental illness. However I do have quite a lot of friends and the only reason I'm depressed is that I was looking forward to seeing him all year. I'm going to try and bring up the courage to pose the question of going with my grandparents. It is strange this is something I feared talking to anybody about because I was so ashamed and now I fear talking to my own mother about it about it.

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Sorry for the various spelling errors. Tis the season to be running around in circles shopping so I typed this response out on my phone. I actually imagined he and I are getting married. We are so similar and is clear to both of us that we love each other. I'm reiterating again that I'm so happy I found this for him and other people who had the courage to pursue true love in the face of adversity and, more importantly, the Wrath or potential Wrath of their families. Possibly the greatest hurdle of all, at least in my eyes

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      In the meantime, here and there my second cousin has helped me by moving my stuff or by us hanging out a couple of times. Even then I didn't really think much of him in a romantic way, although I tend to keep walls up between me and others anyways (or so I've been told). However, that changed when he asked if I wanted to meet up with him a couple of weeks ago. All we did was go to a gun range that he worked at and he showed me how to use different guns (that close proximity to him had me sighing on the inside), because in the past I had mentioned to him that I would like to be able to defend myself and be able to use a gun if necessary (isn't that thoughtful of him?). But suddenly after that I haven't been able to get him out of my mind. What was once an innocent child crush has now turned into me fantasizing about being with him and wanting to be intimate both physically and emotionally with him. Now I get so excited just to even see a text from him or hanging out with him, and even though he's not what I would call my "type", I still find him attractive.The more rational side of me is worried because I'm still in pain from the other past (and current) events and I don't think I could deal with any more pain right now. 
      Now, I'm a little more open-minded compared to the rest of my family so I don't have an issue with cousin relationships as long as it's not forced, the couple isn't too young, and no one is manipulated. The issue I do have is:
      Whether I'm actually having romantic/love feelings for my cousin, or if it's just something out of circumstance and pent-up sexual and emotional frustration  What the family would think or do if anything were ever to transpire between us - I don't even know if my cousin shares the same feelings for me or not.  I guess right now I'm wondering if I really do like him in that way or not, and not just being lustful at the moment. I'm not in any rush or anything, I just want to have a sound/idea-box with people who can understand my situation, I guess. 
      Any thoughts or ideas on this?
      Thanks
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