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phasechange

1st Cousins, Relationship Advice, Family Help

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I'm 32 Male and she is 24 Female, we are 1st cousins and both currently dating.  She lives in Canada and I in New York.

We didn't grow up together and reconnected about 4 years ago after over a decade of no contact.  We immediately clicked and have been talking non stop since then.  We've become best friends in that time (talking nearly every single day) and about a year ago things got pretty serious.  3 months ago we started dating.

She's a very timid girl with a controlling mom so she doesn't have much exposure to real life struggles and decision making on her own. 

Her mom (my aunt) recently found out about us from a card I sent along with flowers that she accidentally happened upon.  She is absolutely against the idea of us dating because we are family and she keeps telling my cousin how she will ruin her image in the family.  She is so against her daughter dating me that she constantly tells her to leave me or she will cut her off, among many other idle threats including telling her brother and father, these threats keep getting postponed as my cousin ignores her "By next week or else!" "By end of the month or else!" "By new years or else!", etc. The problem is my girlfriend can't seem to stand up to her mom and is constantly stressed that her mom doesn't accept our relationship.  She is afraid of losing her mom and also losing me.  

I told my mom about us and surprisingly my mom is totally on board and has even given my cousin advice on how to deal with her mom (my mom's sister) which includes standing up for what she wants in a respectful manner explaining that my aunt will get over it in time as she wouldn't exile her only daughter (My mom has much experience with 3 daughters who some are wed to people she didn't agree with at first).  My mom and her mom even had a 5 minute phone conversation that got cut short and my aunt officially knows now that my mom knows as well.

She's afraid to visit me because of what trouble her mom will cause with her. Even if I visit her I don't know if she will be able to spend a weekend with me. She's unsure on how to proceed without her mom's approval.  We've gotten into a few arguments about it, because it's frustrating to me that she hasn't reached the point in life where she realizes her own life & happiness comes before anyone else,  she only has 1 life to live. We love each other and it's very hard to be without one another and she tells me this over and over but she clearly has mental roadblocks to overcome.

She mentioned her mom will not accept us & has asked me to wait on her to build up the courage and/or strength to overcome this.  I'm conflicted about this because my brain is saying I will end up getting hurt in the end and it's best to give her the time she needs to mature mentally but on the other hand my heart is in pain at the thought of not being with her.  It's very confusing and I feel like i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.  She wants me but she also wants her mom's acceptance, she wants us to have a normal family life from the get go but I can't see that happening due to my aunt.  I'm sure in time she will get over it but definitely not right now.

 

I seriously need advice from people who are in similar shoes or have been.  This is why I made an account to post here.  I appreciate all feedback including things I may not want to hear, I'm here to seek the truth in answers or atleast guidance in the right direction, thanks!

 

 

Edited by phasechange

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You have a long distance relationship but have you seen each other in this past few months or 4 years? I might be adventuring here since your cousin and I have a similar background and I would only be talking from my experience and maybe projecting myself ... Standing up to a controlling parent isn't easy at all, specially if, as you say, she doesn't have exposure to real life and lives with them, if that's the case, she should work on that first to avoid future internal conflicts in general. She's right on asking time to grow up. And you're Right, in the mean time you might get hurt but believe me, if you truly love her you'll do the right thing for her, otherwise you might just be leading the relationship in your benefit which is selfish. BTW not saying to cut ties, just to let things flow. 

PS. I'm not helpful giving advice, so wait for an answer from someone else.

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I appreciate everyone and anyone who would take the time to give input into this situation regardless.  It's really a difficult situation and any and all help I'm thankful for.

We saw each other last in July of this year.  I was planning on visiting her in January but with the current state of things with her mother, I'm not sure if it's a good idea.  I want to do the right thing for her, I really do.  If waiting on her while being in a relationship with her is the right thing I will do it.  It's extremely scary the uncertainty of the situation, I could wait and months and months can go by only for her to realize she can't disappoint her mother and will have to let me go.  I'm coming to terms with having to accept uncertainty if we are to work and it's not easy for me to do, by nature I'm a very meticulous person who likes to plan and have a set path I follow in all my endeavors.

She really does care about me it's just the situation with her mother has her riding the middle lane, maybe she is hoping for it all to blow over?  I'm not sure, I try to talk to her and she doesn't have answers to give me, she is really torn.  All she can do is ask for me to give her some time and I understand, but I also have a duty to myself too.  Hope this was clear, it's not easy to talk about feelings.

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I sent her a message on Whatsapp.  It basically was a greeting and I extended her an invitation to feel free to speak to me about everything.  I told her if I was busy at the time of contact that I will promptly get back to her and I wished her well. 

She read it almost instantly and it's been quite a few days and she hasn't replied yet.  I doubt she will.  After the text she asked my cousin to cut off all contact with me.

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54 minutes ago, phasechange said:

I sent her a message on Whatsapp.  It basically was a greeting and I extended her an invitation to feel free to speak to me about everything.  I told her if I was busy at the time of contact that I will promptly get back to her and I wished her well. 

She read it almost instantly and it's been quite a few days and she hasn't replied yet.  I doubt she will.  After the text she asked my cousin to cut off all contact with me.

Oh no..

Whatsapp won't cut it though I think. Have you talked to her personally? Coz I think you should...just to set records straight. Know what I mean?

 

Pooch

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My cousin doesn't feel comfortable with me talking to her mom as she's afraid of her mom making her home life more stressful and taxing.  Honestly I don't think my aunt would even pick up the phone to speak to me.  I don't think she's ready nor has the words to talk to me 1 on 1.  I still felt it right to extend her an open invitation to speak to me as I'm the man and it's what I felt best.

Edited by phasechange

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Does your cousin live with her mother, or is she financially dependent on her? If not, it seems like you could visit her as planned in January and talk to her in person about everything without involving her mom. If so, then she probably has some growing up to do before you can realistically expect any kind of commitment from her. 

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10 minutes ago, MissPrice said:

Does your cousin live with her mother, or is she financially dependent on her? If not, it seems like you could visit her as planned in January and talk to her in person about everything without involving her mom. If so, then she probably has some growing up to do before you can realistically expect any kind of commitment from her. 

Yep. That's true.

 

Pooch

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2 hours ago, phasechange said:

My cousin doesn't feel comfortable with me talking to her mom as she's afraid of her mom making her home life more stressful and taxing.  Honestly I don't think my aunt would even pick up the phone to speak to me.  I don't think she's ready nor has the words to talk to me 1 on 1.  I still felt it right to extend her an open invitation to speak to me as I'm the man and it's what I felt best.

I understand this though. On her side, she needs some time to gather herself and deal with this matter. She mentioned to you that you should wait on her so she can build courage to face this to your mom. She knows her mom better than you so you know... It really must be stressful on her end. You mentioned that you guys didn't really grow up together so pretty much, you have no idea what her relationship with her mom is like. And since her mom is important to her, then of course we gotta respect that.

The thing is though is this:

7 hours ago, phasechange said:

She mentioned her mom will not accept us & has asked me to wait on her to build up the courage and/or strength to overcome this.  I'm conflicted about this because my brain is saying I will end up getting hurt in the end and it's best to give her the time she needs to mature mentally but on the other hand my heart is in pain at the thought of not being with her.  It's very confusing and I feel like i'm wearing my heart on my sleeve.  She wants me but she also wants her mom's acceptance, she wants us to have a normal family life from the get go but I can't see that happening due to my aunt.  I'm sure in time she will get over it but definitely not right now.

You mentioned that you feel like she needs to mature mentally... However, she really is cute, eh? ;) I mean, 24 years old!? Very pretty. And you are 32? Probably on top of your game. Has something going on already in life. I feel yah bro coz we are the same age. And I remembered my cousin when she was 24. She was hot. Really hot. Right now, she still is because she takes care of herself and I know her. But sometimes, our eyes deceive us... But then I know you already know this.. I'm just sayin'. :D For us guys sometimes, cuteness trumps everything. lol. Hard to resist cuteness bro. :D

Anyhow, the rest of my participation on this thread will probably be focused on this paragraph -- as this is the one where I can relate the most. Our parents are important to us and we want their acceptance as well. Who doesn't?! You know..  Normal relationships (so-to-speak) want that.. They will become your in-laws after all...if you guys are thinking of marriage.. coz at least I am.

As a girl, she needs to be a good daughter to her mom if she wants this to happen. It does not come overnight. The flowers were a little bit too much I guess and it went out of proportion on her end. You see, you cannot do anything with that --- coz it's her mom.. It's her mom. It is her mom. I know it's not a western way of thinking but speaking as somebody who was raised in the east, "you love the girl, you must love the parents pretty much"... I know you are not yet there as well. But then she cannot step on the gas pedal and go fifth gear and elope or something, you know? I do believe she respects her parents (her mom) that's why this matter is important to her. Lemme ask you, "Has she dated anybody else before you?" Are you her first guy? Like, you mentioned that her mom is a strict lady with her daughters and stuff like that. So I surmise that you are her first or something along those lines.. It's not like she dated dozens before you, partied hard or something.. right?

But then you are 32.. And probably you are in a somewhat in a hurry too. I suggest to you don't be. Don't break the texts and the LDR for now... See what happens. Be patient. But at the same time, keep your heart on a distance. Don't win her bro.. Coz you have already. It's just the matter of the parents. By the way, how about her dad? Have you talked to him? If so, how and what's the result?

 

Pooch

 

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1 hour ago, MissPrice said:

Does your cousin live with her mother, or is she financially dependent on her? If not, it seems like you could visit her as planned in January and talk to her in person about everything without involving her mom. If so, then she probably has some growing up to do before you can realistically expect any kind of commitment from her. 

She lives with her parents yea.  She has her own job and makes her own money but still lives under their roof.  I don't mind visiting for the weekend as originally planned, the issue being what excuse she will have to tell her mom to spend it with me away from her home.  She definitely has some growing to do but her intentions are in the right place I feel.  It's just the matter of making those intentions reality through action.

 

1 hour ago, pooch said:

I understand this though. On her side, she needs some time to gather herself and deal with this matter. She mentioned to you that you should wait on her so she can build courage to face this to your mom. She knows her mom better than you so you know... It really must be stressful on her end. You mentioned that you guys didn't really grow up together so pretty much, you have no idea what her relationship with her mom is like. And since her mom is important to her, then of course we gotta respect that.

The thing is though is this:

You mentioned that you feel like she needs to mature mentally... However, she really is cute, eh? ;) I mean, 24 years old!? Very pretty. And you are 32? Probably on top of your game. Has something going on already in life. I feel yah bro coz we are the same age. And I remembered my cousin when she was 24. She was hot. Really hot. Right now, she still is because she takes care of herself and I know her. But sometimes, our eyes deceive us... But then I know you already know this.. I'm just sayin'. :D For us guys sometimes, cuteness trumps everything. lol. Hard to resist cuteness bro. :D

Anyhow, the rest of my participation on this thread will probably be focused on this paragraph -- as this is the one where I can relate the most. Our parents are important to us and we want their acceptance as well. Who doesn't?! You know..  Normal relationships (so-to-speak) want that.. They will become your in-laws after all...if you guys are thinking of marriage.. coz at least I am.

As a girl, she needs to be a good daughter to her mom if she wants this to happen. It does not come overnight. The flowers were a little bit too much I guess and it went out of proportion on her end. You see, you cannot do anything with that --- coz it's her mom.. It's her mom. It is her mom. I know it's not a western way of thinking but speaking as somebody who was raised in the east, "you love the girl, you must love the parents pretty much"... I know you are not yet there as well. But then she cannot step on the gas pedal and go fifth gear and elope or something, you know? I do believe she respects her parents (her mom) that's why this matter is important to her. Lemme ask you, "Has she dated anybody else before you?" Are you her first guy? Like, you mentioned that her mom is a strict lady with her daughters and stuff like that. So I surmise that you are her first or something along those lines.. It's not like she dated dozens before you, partied hard or something.. right?

But then you are 32.. And probably you are in a somewhat in a hurry too. I suggest to you don't be. Don't break the texts and the LDR for now... See what happens. Be patient. But at the same time, keep your heart on a distance. Don't win her bro.. Coz you have already. It's just the matter of the parents. By the way, how about her dad? Have you talked to him? If so, how and what's the result?

 

Pooch

 

Pooch you have some amazing insight bro.  Honestly.  Yes we do have to respect her relationship with her mom.  Agreed.

She's amazingly beautiful and funny.  It is hard to resist good looks, but being in a LDR with her, I've learned to not only appreciate the looks but lacking physical contact as in a typical relationship, I learned to love her other characteristics as well.  As mentioned we've talked for years and she was the first one to open her feelings to me, It must of taken me atleast a year after to finally open my heart to her and let her know that I love her as well.  The future is a common topic that gets brought up and we both have the same intentions, to spend the rest of our lives together.  It's just the mental roadblocks holding us back, atleast on her end.  I'm way more brave and challenging while she is more timid and cautious. 

The flowers, man did she love the crap out of them.  Literally adored them until the day they died.  I actually had them delivered to her job but she went out of way to bring them home on 2 trains and 2 buses.  Your deduction is correct about her dating history, I am her first boyfriend.  She's not into partying, clubbing and doesn't even like to drink alcohol.

As for her dad, he's a lot more open minded than her mom according to her, I haven't seen or spoke to him in over 2 decades but who knows how he would react to this?

Your words are encouraging and I appreciate them, I don't have any intentions to break things off with her due to current circumstances.  I guess you are right, letting things play out while being cautious myself is probably the best bet.  

You spoke of your cousin?  Did you guys end up together?

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Phasechange,

1 hour ago, phasechange said:

Pooch you have some amazing insight bro.  Honestly.  Yes we do have to respect her relationship with her mom.  Agreed.

Thanks bro. :D It has been my experience too, that's why. :D

My cousin and I did not grow together but because my family have to migrate here in Canada, we were transferred by my parents temporarily under my aunt's care. My cousin lives in the same city and the rest is history. I was 17 and she was 15 at that time. Fast forward after 15 years, we are still together... We are in the same city here and see each other everyday. Oh man.. I can tell you tons of stories. We both have ups and downs. We are just waiting for the right time and some practical circumstances... But then pretty much,.. yeah we're it. We're on this. Know what I'm sayin'? She was my only one. And she had only me.

Now I am not saying that you wait for 15 years like me. Heck no. Actually, we may have waited for too long. lol. I understand that each situation and each couple is different, you know? But then looking back, if you believe in God, I believe that He was in our relationship throughout all those years. Anyhow, to briefly respond:

1 hour ago, phasechange said:

She's amazingly beautiful and funny.  It is hard to resist good looks, but being in a LDR with her, I've learned to not only appreciate the looks but lacking physical contact as in a typical relationship, I learned to love her other characteristics as well.  As mentioned we've talked for years and she was the first one to open her feelings to me, It must of taken me atleast a year after to finally open my heart to her and let her know that I love her as well.  The future is a common topic that gets brought up and we both have the same intentions, to spend the rest of our lives together.  It's just the mental roadblocks holding us back, atleast on her end.  I'm way more brave and challenging while she is more timid and cautious. 

Haha! This is so true! I have been LDR with my cousin for a long time too. And this is the time without skype or anything like that, bro... Man, we used to write hand written letters and stuff like that. Then our own private email of course which got thousands of back and forths. lol. And you get to know her. And I can say this qualification (that you can know her) because of what kind of girl she is. I feel like you got a keeper bro. Todays girls/women, at 24, they are like.. err.. I don't want to say anything offensive -- but let's just say liberated (so to speak). I'm pretty sure you already know what I mean. lol

But if you said that you are her first boyfriend?! Dang... Don't mess this up bro. lol. And I am speaking in the context of between you two, ok?... In the context of between you guys and parents and family and other people other than you two, that's where it becomes a little bit more challenging. But then between just the two of you? I'm pretty sure she will love you forever...hands down.

The tallest hurdle that I can see on this one, however, is the pressure on her at present. Being in a different timezone was a challenge for me and my cousin in the past. She was living in the Philippines while I am here in Canada and the timezone was the most brutal. Add to the fact that the standard of living is completely different, my reality wasn't hers and those were the rough periods in our relationships. But then with you, you are in New York and she is in Canada, if she is in Toronto or somewhere in the east, you even got the same timezone! Both of you are in North America, dude. Members here in CC lives in India, in the Philippines where I was from or somewhere more difficult and have messed up relationships and heavier baggages and whatnot. Come on man.. :D 

You said that the future is a common topic that gets brought up -- I say that's very good. :) Because she contributes to the relationship and she loves you. You know what, and this might be a stretch or whatnot, but take it for what it's worth: I can see you jumping ships from New York to Canada. First of all, cousin marriages are legal here in Canada. Second of all, being the guy, and being the one stronger and the braver one, you will be able to "take care of her in terms of her parents situation" when you guys are going to be closer. Now, I am not saying that you kidnap her from her parents. LOL. But I'm pretty sure that's on your mind already if not on your conversations with her.. so whatever dude, I know you will at one point or another.. You will kidnap her with permission from her parents. That's the best way to put it. hahaha. lol

As for now, just do what you are doing. I think you are doing okay... If you are working in your career right now, do well and stuff but at the same time, look for opportunities as well where she is or within the city nearby. Don't worry too much on "creating more attraction" for her or whatever.. Dude, you got her already. It would be better to slay some dragons (ahem..ahem.. her mother) when the time is right and when your girlfriend is ready to fight with you. Perhaps in 2-3 years you can do it...

What do you think? ;)

In the meantime though, if not too much, in order to maintain your relationship, you got to see her at least once a year...maybe two if doable. I think that would be good enough so you can provide more leverages for the two of you. You mentioned that you haven't talk to her dad for decades? You better make that one of your priorities. Ask your girlfriend how is her parents (as this is very important to her). She will gladly talk to you about them. You have to show that you are a "good son-in-law"... that you are "harmless" so to speak... and can be trusted. I know that you can only do so much at this point because it is LDR but that is what phones are for at this point. Believe me, you haven't known her like know her since you are not yet in the same city and are together. But then it's a start... Or I should say in between knowing her in a physical way and knowing her emotionally. At least, there's a restriction to the couple. That what makes it more exciting. lol. And so, LDR is a good phase too. As long as there is no pretending, and there is pure honesty, I believe it adds value to the relationship. So I support you with that. You are not dating/seeing anyone other than her, I suppose, eh? Because if you do, I'm pretty sure, if she knew about it she will be hurt big time.... X_X

1 hour ago, phasechange said:

I guess you are right, letting things play out while being cautious myself is probably the best bet.  

Yup! Exactly.. Don't worry too much on it.. You are on the right track. ;)

1 hour ago, phasechange said:

You spoke of your cousin?  Did you guys end up together?

Hopefully. Not yet in marriage though. But pretty much we're it. We have our promise rings and stuff.. But yeah, I am just waiting for the right time and the right circumstance.. It's just that I have this feeling that "those proposal, wedding thinggie, happily ever after and whatnot" is just easy.. It's like the "graduation" part but the 5 years of studying overnight, the projects, the midterms, the group works, the walking to the school, catching the bus and working while studying and college experience...those are the real stuff. So yeah, on the one hand I am hurrying but at the same time, I am not. On her end, she understands it too. We have the same worldview, same vision and goals in life together. Our relationship has passed lots of tests too! I mean, average North American marriage I heard from the last survey was 7 years or something..? Then they end up in divorce 50% of the time..? I dunno.. something like that. But yeah, if you find a keeper, make sure you keep her and "put a fence around her" (not in a superpossessive, controlling way.. lol) but you know what I mean.. :) 

 

Pooch

 

PS: Okay, my posts are becoming waaay too long. lol. But I hope I helped you in any way. ;)

 

 

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1 hour ago, pooch said:

Phasechange,

Thanks bro. :D It has been my experience too, that's why. :D

My cousin and I did not grow together but because my family have to migrate here in Canada, we were transferred by my parents temporarily under my aunt's care. My cousin lives in the same city and the rest is history. I was 17 and she was 15 at that time. Fast forward after 15 years, we are still together... We are in the same city here and see each other everyday. Oh man.. I can tell you tons of stories. We both have ups and downs. We are just waiting for the right time and some practical circumstances... But then pretty much,.. yeah we're it. We're on this. Know what I'm sayin'? She was my only one. And she had only me.

Now I am not saying that you wait for 15 years like me. Heck no. Actually, we may have waited for too long. lol. I understand that each situation and each couple is different, you know? But then looking back, if you believe in God, I believe that He was in our relationship throughout all those years. Anyhow, to briefly respond:

Haha! This is so true! I have been LDR with my cousin for a long time too. And this is the time without skype or anything like that, bro... Man, we used to write hand written letters and stuff like that. Then our own private email of course which got thousands of back and forths. lol. And you get to know her. And I can say this qualification (that you can know her) because of what kind of girl she is. I feel like you got a keeper bro. Todays girls/women, at 24, they are like.. err.. I don't want to say anything offensive -- but let's just say liberated (so to speak). I'm pretty sure you already know what I mean. lol

But if you said that you are her first boyfriend?! Dang... Don't mess this up bro. lol. And I am speaking in the context of between you two, ok?... In the context of between you guys and parents and family and other people other than you two, that's where it becomes a little bit more challenging. But then between just the two of you? I'm pretty sure she will love you forever...hands down.

The tallest hurdle that I can see on this one, however, is the pressure on her at present. Being in a different timezone was a challenge for me and my cousin in the past. She was living in the Philippines while I am here in Canada and the timezone was the most brutal. Add to the fact that the standard of living is completely different, my reality wasn't hers and those were the rough periods in our relationships. But then with you, you are in New York and she is in Canada, if she is in Toronto or somewhere in the east, you even got the same timezone! Both of you are in North America, dude. Members here in CC lives in India, in the Philippines where I was from or somewhere more difficult and have messed up relationships and heavier baggages and whatnot. Come on man.. :D 

You said that the future is a common topic that gets brought up -- I say that's very good. :) Because she contributes to the relationship and she loves you. You know what, and this might be a stretch or whatnot, but take it for what it's worth: I can see you jumping ships from New York to Canada. First of all, cousin marriages are legal here in Canada. Second of all, being the guy, and being the one stronger and the braver one, you will be able to "take care of her in terms of her parents situation" when you guys are going to be closer. Now, I am not saying that you kidnap her from her parents. LOL. But I'm pretty sure that's on your mind already if not on your conversations with her.. so whatever dude, I know you will at one point or another.. You will kidnap her with permission from her parents. That's the best way to put it. hahaha. lol

As for now, just do what you are doing. I think you are doing okay... If you are working in your career right now, do well and stuff but at the same time, look for opportunities as well where she is or within the city nearby. Don't worry too much on "creating more attraction" for her or whatever.. Dude, you got her already. It would be better to slay some dragons (ahem..ahem.. her mother) when the time is right and when your girlfriend is ready to fight with you. Perhaps in 2-3 years you can do it...

What do you think? ;)

In the meantime though, if not too much, in order to maintain your relationship, you got to see her at least once a year...maybe two if doable. I think that would be good enough so you can provide more leverages for the two of you. You mentioned that you haven't talk to her dad for decades? You better make that one of your priorities. Ask your girlfriend how is her parents (as this is very important to her). She will gladly talk to you about them. You have to show that you are a "good son-in-law"... that you are "harmless" so to speak... and can be trusted. I know that you can only do so much at this point because it is LDR but that is what phones are for at this point. Believe me, you haven't known her like know her since you are not yet in the same city and are together. But then it's a start... Or I should say in between knowing her in a physical way and knowing her emotionally. At least, there's a restriction to the couple. That what makes it more exciting. lol. And so, LDR is a good phase too. As long as there is no pretending, and there is pure honesty, I believe it adds value to the relationship. So I support you with that. You are not dating/seeing anyone other than her, I suppose, eh? Because if you do, I'm pretty sure, if she knew about it she will be hurt big time.... X_X

Yup! Exactly.. Don't worry too much on it.. You are on the right track. ;)

Hopefully. Not yet in marriage though. But pretty much we're it. We have our promise rings and stuff.. But yeah, I am just waiting for the right time and the right circumstance.. It's just that I have this feeling that "those proposal, wedding thinggie, happily ever after and whatnot" is just easy.. It's like the "graduation" part but the 5 years of studying overnight, the projects, the midterms, the group works, the walking to the school, catching the bus and working while studying and college experience...those are the real stuff. So yeah, on the one hand I am hurrying but at the same time, I am not. On her end, she understands it too. We have the same worldview, same vision and goals in life together. Our relationship has passed lots of tests too! I mean, average North American marriage I heard from the last survey was 7 years or something..? Then they end up in divorce 50% of the time..? I dunno.. something like that. But yeah, if you find a keeper, make sure you keep her and "put a fence around her" (not in a superpossessive, controlling way.. lol) but you know what I mean.. :) 

 

Pooch

 

PS: Okay, my posts are becoming waaay too long. lol. But I hope I helped you in any way. ;)

 

 

Wow! Where do I start?  Honestly, truly speaking from my being, your words are extremely encouraging.  I came here looking for experience and man did I find it.  I read and re-read what you wrote numerous times.  Your words hit me hard, not in a bad way but in an emotional way.  No shame in admitting it, it brought a few tears to my eyes, I had to stop and listen to music and get back to reading.  My cousin, ahem I mean my girlfriend, see what I did there ;) has been following this thread and I hope she will read it after I fall asleep later (our work schedules are different) -- I'm sure she will.

Well let's continue this shall we? We are both in the same timezone, I used to think of it as a distance thing but after browsing through the forums and reading your posts here, I can see we really do have it easier despite all the hardships.  

She wants me to move there, and I want her to move here.  I have no difficulties moving but our entire family literally is in Canada.  I'm not sure I want to be around them, I feel like they would create more stress onto our relationship.  I'd rather her be here away from them and I as well.  At the very least, atleast my immediate family will give us support.  I'm not against it though, as long as she is willing to deal with it.  Sometimes it's better to remove yourself from the problem if you're not willing to fight the problem, know what i'm saying?

The one thing I can say about our relationship is there is alot of honesty and openness.  I hold no punches and she doesn't either.  To answer your other question, no I'm not seeing or messing around with anyone else.  I don't want to hurt her.  She is the sun to my earth.  Can't think of any other way to phrase it.

I commend you and your significant other, you definitely have been through similar hurdles as we are (me and mine).  I'd glad to hear things are going strong, all the best!  

The fact your posts are long shows alot.  You clearly must find the similarities in my situation that I do with yours.  Thanks, seriously for taking the time to share your insight with me (and my girlfriend who's reading).  It has helped me immensely and given me hope.  Maybe you can tell her something directly!  She's the type of girl who needs a push to get started moving, you know?  Amazing advice, thanks.

Edited by phasechange

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Phasechange,

14 hours ago, phasechange said:

Wow! Where do I start?  Honestly, truly speaking from my being, your words are extremely encouraging.  I came here looking for experience and man did I find it.  I read and re-read what you wrote numerous times.  Your words hit me hard, not in a bad way but in an emotional way.  No shame in admitting it, it brought a few tears to my eyes, I had to stop and listen to music and get back to reading.  My cousin, ahem I mean my girlfriend, see what I did there ;) has been following this thread and I hope she will read it after I fall asleep later (our work schedules are different) -- I'm sure she will.

:) I'm happy that I can be of an encouragement to both of you! :)

14 hours ago, phasechange said:

She wants me to move there, and I want her to move here.  I have no difficulties moving but our entire family literally is in Canada.  I'm not sure I want to be around them, I feel like they would create more stress onto our relationship.  I'd rather her be here away from them and I as well.  At the very least, atleast my immediate family will give us support.  I'm not against it though, as long as she is willing to deal with it.  Sometimes it's better to remove yourself from the problem if you're not willing to fight the problem, know what i'm saying?

Yeeep!

I will comment on this one in a bit more detail later... Hopefully I don't forget. It's preparation for payroll on my end here today so I will be a little bit busy at work. :D

15 hours ago, phasechange said:

The one thing I can say about our relationship is there is alot of honesty and openness.  I hold no punches and she doesn't either.  To answer your other question, no I'm not seeing or messing around with anyone else.  I don't want to hurt her.  She is the sun to my earth.  Can't think of any other way to phrase it.

I commend you and your significant other, you definitely have been through similar hurdles as we are (me and mine).  I'd glad to hear things are going strong, all the best!  

Thanks bro. :)

I'm glad that she doesn't hold back either. But then hey, she is 24, you are 32. If you guys are 16 and 18 respectively, I might call it young love (not saying that it's bad per se..but it's a good start.. It's just that it's way too fast and unreliable). If you guys are 40 and 42 respective, first off I won't be able to relate coz I'm not there yet. lol. But secondly, I think that's gonna be altogether a different phase. I feel like in the 40s both of you aren't gonna change. You are both set. Had some stuff in the past and had lots of history already with this and that, you know? But then the mid-20's to early 30s can be viewed in 2 ways. Either you play games, or you play serious. It's really a risk and a toss coin. If you win, you win big. If you lose, you lose big time. lol. Point is: if both of you don't hold punches, it means both of you are serious and open to one another. Good sign...

But then brace yourself. You will have a lot of stuff ahead of ya... I'm glad that you guys have a 'foundation' already though. 4 years connection, 1 year exclusive and 3 months dating... :)

By the way, may I ask during those 3 months, did you guys went out or twice? Like how did it happen? Did you visit her here in Canada or she visited New York?

15 hours ago, phasechange said:

The fact your posts are long shows alot.  You clearly must find the similarities in my situation that I do with yours.  Thanks, seriously for taking the time to share your insight with me (and my girlfriend who's reading).  It has helped me immensely and given me hope.  Maybe you can tell her something directly!  She's the type of girl who needs a push to get started moving, you know?  Amazing advice, thanks

Yup. I really do find a lot of similarities man.. I didn't know your girlfriend is reading. Is she registered here as well? I hope she register too... It's anonymous anyways.. Unless you share your info, nobody's gonna know you if that's a worry. If she is a private person like my girlfriend, I can understand. My girlfriend knows that I am in the forum but does not read them as she really is a private one.

If I can tell her something directly, it would be this: Take the time all you need. You know your mom better than anyone else. If she tells you anything contrary to your relationship with Phasechange, you do not need to answer back. Let it be. 'Know your battles' and be a good daughter. If you are working, make sure you contribute most of it to the family and not to yourself. Of course you save something, but make sure your parents are okay. The lesser argument you have with your parents, the better off you will be with your boyfriend. He understands the situation and you just gotta be happy. There will be times that you will miss him...and it's okay. Make sure you demand a time with him even if it's 2 o'clock in the morning. But if he is not available, or you are not available, chuck it off for now since you guys aren't ready. In the meantime, make sure you are okay with your parents. Contribute to the mortgage, to the utilities and to the bills. It will come a long way, believe me.

The pressure will come off when you don't answer back to her. After all, all those "objections" have answers. Some may say that "you are the cousins!" and "your relationship is wrong!" and "you guys will have autistic kids!" blah blah blah.. Believe me, all of those have answers. But you don't need to give those out right now. When the time is right, you may inject some good amount of right information here and there. But if your mom is just plainly stubborn because she puts all guys (whether Phasechange, your cousin or like other guys like your siblings had, which are not cousins) under a microscope, then let her. But at the end of the day, it will remain to be her opinion. And it will still be your decision..at the right time. And you better stand firm with it. And if you stand by him, he will stand by you.. for sure! For real... We guys can take those microscope phases like men. ;) I mean, in my experience, I never would be a 'good guy' to my uncle (my cousin-gf's dad). But I am not a 'bad guy' either. I may be a 'good guy' (good in the sense of as a person not as a nephew...maybe) in his eyes so the dissonance must be understood by both of you. Coz If you are weak (especially on  your family's side), your boyfriend will be weak. Coz he does not know anything about 'Canada' and your circle of people... He thinks he knows lol but we guys are cocky as heck. You know your territory better than him. And he respects that. He has pride too, you know. ;)

But keep your options open careerwise. I don't know your situation nor Phasechange's in full. Of course there are more details and stuff. All couples are different. However, keep your options open. If you think that Phasechange's a weakling (lol. kidding bro! :P ) and  won't be able to slay 'dragons' around you and sweep you off your feet, go to a different city --- it might help. Or better yet, look for opportunities in New York (if it's gonna be feasible) or put a business or something... Living in Canada is better though, eh? (I admit my bias despite being negative 20 where I am living now. harharhar). lol. :lol:

 

Pooch

 

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